View Full Version : Ever had someone de-friend you because you're not on the same page politically?
And I mean in the flesh-and-blood sense, rather than the Facebook sense?
People here might know my politics because (to be honest) I'm more comfortable expressing what I care about online. In person, you really have to grill me to find out that....I'm in the center of most things. Boring! :)
Which someone actually did! And in kind of a sneaky way, at that. They mentioned a certain political faction several times, wondering if I went to their meetings, did I know anyone involved in it, etc. When I said that I wasn't comfortable at either "pole" of the political spectrum, and preferred figuring out ways to compromise for everyone's benefit, they nodded and smiled. And I haven't heard a word since -- even in response to emails and a phone message, and a dinner invitation in my kitchen. Unfriended on Facebook as well (don't really care about that) and last night I saw them physically turn to avoid crossing paths with me in our small town.
I don't know whether to laugh or be upset! I swear I'm one of those chronically nice people in person, always voted as little miss "easy to be around," and I have good friends in every political camp.
Did you ever find that honesty had unexpected consequences with "friends" ? What a weird world we live in sometimes...
Probably not a friend to have...sometimes people let politics control all their relationships.
Miss Cellane
10-25-13, 5:41pm
If a friend is going to reject you based on one aspect of you, then they might not ever have really been a friend in the first place.
They might have only friended you because you could have been useful to them in some way, if your politics were aligned with theirs.
This has happened to me a fair bit, but it has served as a useful sorting process.
catherine
10-25-13, 6:25pm
I didn't defriend, but I did hide the news feed of a good friend of mine who I really like, but who constantly posted extremely negative, nasty comments about the "other side." It just was irritating and I didn't like the vibe, so I "hid" her from view.
rosarugosa
10-25-13, 7:24pm
I have some friends whose newsfeeds I have thought about blocking, but I've decided that "know the enemy" is applicable here (not relative to the friends, but about the contents of their posts and shares). I would never "de-friend" someone IRL over political views. I have friends from all ends of the political and religious spectrums. I'm an atheist, and I have good friends who are daily communicants in the Catholic church.
I like what Miss Cellane says about "one aspect" of a person. I consider it one of my personal strengths that I can pretty much always find something that I like about anyone I meet. If there's an aspect I detest, then oh well, I won't focus on that one.
Wise all around. Thank you so much.
It's unfortunate to me, because despite the fact we don't see things the same politically, I really liked them (it is a couple) for their dedication to fairness, fiscal responsibility and community service. Short of someone being a raging, abusive drunk or something, I can almost always find things to appreciate about everyone too, rosarugosa. I guess a little self-examination and then a shrug is in order here. I can't control someone else's choices; I can only try to be a good person and let the rest go.
Tussiemussies
10-25-13, 8:47pm
Definitely it is them not you! Personally think it is really immature to like someone or not based on political sides they take.
Nothing to add, puglogic, except to say I think you have a very good attitude about it. How many of us have spent many frustrating days/weeks/months trying to make a person behave a certain way, only to find out the obvious - we cannot.
iris lilies
10-25-13, 9:28pm
And I mean in the flesh-and-blood sense, rather than the Facebook sense?
People here might know my politics because (to be honest) I'm more comfortable expressing what I care about online. In person, you really have to grill me to find out that....I'm in the center of most things. Boring! :)
Which someone actually did! And in kind of a sneaky way, at that. They mentioned a certain political faction several times, wondering if I went to their meetings, did I know anyone involved in it, etc. When I said that I wasn't comfortable at either "pole" of the political spectrum, and preferred figuring out ways to compromise for everyone's benefit, they nodded and smiled. And I haven't heard a word since -- even in response to emails and a phone message, and a dinner invitation in my kitchen. Unfriended on Facebook as well (don't really care about that) and last night I saw them physically turn to avoid crossing paths with me in our small town.
I don't know whether to laugh or be upset! I swear I'm one of those chronically nice people in person, always voted as little miss "easy to be around," and I have good friends in every political camp.
Did you ever find that honesty had unexpected consequences with "friends" ? What a weird world we live in sometimes...
No.
Fortunately after getting into a rather heated (and alcohol fueled) discussion with some friends of ours at a dinner party last winter, friends who are very sweet and nice, they still invited us to their 25th wedding anniversary party. So that was good.
I can see someone shunning me for continued poor behavior, but not for my political stance as long as it's reasoned and not out-there in rightly field. Though the fact that DH claims the tea partiers as his brethren would probably upset some, but he is a mild mannered polite guy, so he's easy to be around.
We like being "out" as conservatives because we are a definite minority in their neighborhood. But we have LOTS of political discussions in this neighborhood because everything here is political. They may not be democrat/republican issues, but they are political. People here learn to take a stance and defend it. Today it is the politics of having the safety chairman an elected position, yesterday it was the (hideously colored) playground equipment, ten years ago it was the basketball court and the thugs it attracted, 25 years ago it was the open prison, 30 years ago it was the issue of sending a resident to France to sculpt bust of the Marquis de Lafayette. There is always something here to debate.
Like bae said, maybe it's a good way to sort out friends. Having someone drop you hurts, but having that person ignore your phone call is bad manners and just rude and as such is really hurtful! So sorry!
But to be honest, I have a very very thick skin. I may not notice if someone dropped me. Yes, I am that clueless! My close freinds won't drop me, I would notice that. I certainly have been dropped the dropper talked about neighborhood politics as the reason, but I think she felt disrespected and that is a perfectly valid reason reason to drop me and a whole slew of people at the same time.
gimmethesimplelife
10-25-13, 10:50pm
Interesting question.....My politics tend towards the quite liberal - I guess the regulars here know that by now lol - but other than online, very few people IRL know of my politics and some of my stances. I have learned the hard way that some of my views are less than popular and I zip the lip unless you are one of three of my very close friends I can go to with anything. I also have a friend I am in touch with that I met online here that sees things kind of my way and I feel safe with him to be honest with my views.
IRL if someone discusses politics I tend to dodge the subject or find a way to steer the conversation to something less controversial. This is one reason I was so wanting to hook up with Occupy Phoenix and get involved in some of their protests but being the wuss I am I was afraid of getting arrested and in Arizona that could never be removed from my record other than by a governor pardoning it. Didn't want to mess with that possibility. But I bet there would have been people there I would be aligned with politically.
I view my political beliefs as being part of the package of who I really am - and I am not just going to share that indiscriminately with just anybody. Rob
There's something wrong with that person. This middle school turning to walk away so obviously, and not over any kind of personal slight, that sounds like some kind of emotional disorder to me.
mtnlaurel
10-26-13, 9:44am
I am so sorry PugLogic.
And you know what I think is the slimiest... that your former friend doesn't have the cajones to tell you why she dropped you.
Very impolite.
And what's funny is you were derided for a desire of finding middle ground -- it's not like you took your bra off and burned it on the spot!
On the sunny side, now you are freed up to put your energies toward your real friends.
iris lily
10-26-13, 10:35am
I am so sorry PugLogic.
And you know what I think is the slimiest... that your former friend doesn't have the cajones to tell you why she dropped you.
Very impolite.
And what's funny is you were derided for a desire of finding middle ground -- it's not like you took your bra off and burned it on the spot!
On the sunny side, now you are freed up to put your energies toward your real friends.
I don't know that someone needs to "tell you" that you've been dropped. That seems unnecessarily confrontational, and I don't agree that it is impolite.
The polite drop is to "drift away...."
If I were dropped, I'd prefer the drift away method. But I realize that some people like the clarity of "I am DONE with you!" communication and to each his own.
mtnlaurel
10-26-13, 10:59am
I don't know that someone needs to "tell you" that you've been dropped. That seems unnecessarily confrontational, and I don't agree that it is impolite.
The polite drop is to "drift away...."
If I were dropped, I'd prefer the drift away method. But I realize that some people like the clarity of "I am DONE with you!" communication and to each his own.
You're probably right Iris Lilies on the drift away aspect...
But to me crossing the street when you see someone & no further contact abruptly isn't a drift away, it's a severing after a specific event.
A drift away would be occasional pick up of calls, being chronically busy when invitations are extended, and having the nerve to walk down the same side of the street and ushering a 'Good Evening' but keep on walking rather than stopping to chat.
It just ticks me off that's all.
The former friend had a perfect opportunity to voice her opinions when she pigeon holed PugLogic and instead she sat there and 'nodded & smiled' & internally 86'd her.
I just like PugLogic and it makes me mad she'd get treated that way.
iris lily
10-26-13, 11:31am
You're probably right Iris Lilies on the drift away aspect...
But to me crossing the street when you see someone & no further contact abruptly isn't a drift away, it's a severing after a specific event.
A drift away would be occasional pick up of calls, being chronically busy when invitations are extended, and having the nerve to walk down the same side of the street and ushering a 'Good Evening' but keep on walking rather than stopping to chat.
It just ticks me off that's all.
The former friend had a perfect opportunity to voice her opinions when she pigeon holed PugLogic and instead she sat there and 'nodded & smiled' & internally 86'd her.
I just like PugLogic and it makes me mad she'd get treated that way.
We want you as our friend!
Agreed, cold dropping isn't drifting away. A few responses from the dropper in the vein of "I'm too busy right now but we must get together soon" is the polite way to disengage.
Friends, no. Family, yes. Especially my spouse's family in Tennessee.
Miss Cellane
10-26-13, 2:08pm
Crossing the street when they see you, absolutely no contact--that's the Cut Direct.
It's a part of etiquette that we seem to have forgotten about over the years, although it is still clearly practiced by some, i.e. the "friend" in the OP.
From Emily Post's Etiquette, 1922:
"For one person to look directly at another and not acknowledge the other’s bow is such a breach of civility that only an unforgivable misdemeanor can warrant the rebuke.
"On the other hand, one must not confuse absent-mindedness, or a forgetful memory with an intentional “cut.” Anyone who is preoccupied is apt to pass others without being aware of them, and without the least want of friendly regard. Others who have bad memories forget even those by whom they were much attracted. This does not excuse the bad memory, but it explains the seeming rudeness.
"A “cut” is very different. It is a direct stare of blank refusal, and is not only insulting to its victim but embarrassing to every witness. Happily it is practically unknown in polite society."
So PugLogic, your "friend" has clearly cut him/herself off from polite society.
Gardenarian
10-26-13, 2:35pm
Yes. When I started homeschooling dd, I seemed to become something of a pariah. I would like to say "to heck with them, I don't need them!" but it really hurt. I especially hated knowing that women I had hung out with for years were now talking about me behind my back.
They considered me a traitor to the public school system, a theory I still have trouble grasping.
Now that our kids are older, they have become more friendly again, but I'm keeping my distance.
I have heard of some people "simplifying" their lives by weeding their friends. That seems so cold to me. How can you have too many friends? And it didn't sound like you actively disagreed with this person.
I'm sorry.
Another day dawns, and it suddenly seems like all's right with the world. Why would I need someone like that in my life anyway? I barely have time to take care of all the good friends I have in my life, let alone the ones that come with so many strings attached.
It did just seem weird -- I honestly went over all of our recent contacts in my head, trying to find some way that I might have unintentionally slighted these folks. I even looked at my FB posts...did I make the wrong joke at the wrong moment, the wrong people?
In any case, thanks for helping me see all angles of this. I can now run into them on a street corner (if they let me) and not feel at all uncomfortable to say hello, except maybe to feel a little bit sorry for them.
Hugs to all of you folks here. WE don't always agree either, but I still think you all sound like people I'd like to kill a bottle of wine with. Or walk a dog. Or talk about Marcus Aurelius. Or plant a garden. Or whatever.
Gardenarian, so sorry to hear about your "friends." Sorting mechanism, as bae said.....
I don't know that someone needs to "tell you" that you've been dropped. That seems unnecessarily confrontational, and I don't agree that it is impolite.
The polite drop is to "drift away...."
If I were dropped, I'd prefer the drift away method. But I realize that some people like the clarity of "I am DONE with you!" communication and to each his own.
I disagree, just leaving you not knowing what is wrong is far more hurtful then saying that you are moving on because things aren't working. Ignoring someone is the cowards way out. I've been on both sides of that and it isn't nice, even when I was doing it!
think of this as a gift from the gods, those folks are pure poison!
Sorry Pug! Your friend sounds like he's very dogmatic. Maybe he has some other things going on in his life, and he sort of took it out on you?
I had a friend once and we talked alot about all sorts of things that we had in common with me. We gardened, loved wildlife, had kids the same age, etc., etc. But from what she said to me, I think she quit communicating with me because I wasn't a christian. I always thought that was strange.
Anyhow..........I do hope you're letting this go, and not feeling like it was your fault. Sometimes people have behaviors that just aren't understandable.
(((hugs)))
I had a good friend drop DH and me because DH dared to disagree with him about the friend's opinion that Glenn Beck was the prophet of our times and the only "true American" who really loved Israel. Anyone who didn't endorse his opinion was, by his reasoning, someone who "hated" Israel. As the three of us had all made Aliyah (moved to Israel as Jews), I guess doing that wasn't proof enough that we loved Israel. In order to "truly" love it, you had to fawn over Glenn Beck, too! The friend tried the "polite drift," away from us, constantly lying about how much he was "secluding himself for meditation purposes" and was not socializing with anyone, until it became obvious that he was socializing with plenty of people except us. When I asked him, point blank, what was wrong, he "fessed up" and said he couldn't stand my husband for his "betrayal" of Israel.
Ugh.
jennipurrr
10-28-13, 10:40am
I've mentioned my next door neighbor before. She is a feisty old woman (in her 80s) and has some very outdated thoughts on race. She didn't talk to us for six months after DH put up an Obama sign in 2008 in the yard...I don't think it was necessarily political as much as it was a racial issue. She got over it eventually.
I had a former college classmate defriend me on FB because I made a joke on one of his political posts. He is the kind that would post 20 political posts a day, ridiculous, alarming stuff. This was a few days before the 2012 election. He posted some random article about losing ground to countries like Denmark and Sweden. I replied something like I guess we needed to step up our socialism efforts if we want to catch up. He unfriended me and I wasn't sad about that. He's one of those folks who is one step away from living in a bunker somewhere.
I did have one real life classmate and someone I considered an actual friend from grad school defriend me on FB and I was perplexed about that. I was on FB and wondering how she was doing, because she moved to an interesting city and then she wasn't in the friend list. It was just so weird because fairly recently she had posted on a pic w/me and another mutual friend about how she missed us, and now we were both defriended, and there were still other friends we had in common. I decided sometimes you just can't figure out what is going on with people's intentions.
iris lilies
10-28-13, 11:12am
I continually get requests for Linked In friends but I hate Linked In and see no use for it unless I am job hunting, which I am not.
puglogic
10-28-13, 12:30pm
He posted some random article about losing ground to countries like Denmark and Sweden. I replied something like I guess we needed to step up our socialism efforts if we want to catch up.
Sorry, jennipurr, I laughed out loud at this. Good one. :D
But seriously, I wouldn't miss someone like that, and I wouldn't miss someone who was continually posting the latest incendiary quote from Michael Moore or Keith Olbermann or whoever's left of them either, and got mad if you challenged THAT. People who think their religion is the only true religion, or their language is the only language everybody in the world should speak, or who insult the sport you like because they don't ...... All of that. Uck. Extremists of all stripes just wreck my chi, you know? LOL
I disagree, just leaving you not knowing what is wrong is far more hurtful then saying that you are moving on because things aren't working. Ignoring someone is the cowards way out. I've been on both sides of that and it isn't nice, even when I was doing it!
think of this as a gift from the gods, those folks are pure poison!
For me, this is a "it depends."
Facebook is a particular experience. It's different than friendship in general.
When I am friends with someone, drifting away and/or shutting a person out is a hurtful, cowardly method of removing yourself.
Though, there are also times when we just need breaks from certain friends -- and sometimes communicating that is more hurtful than not (ie, when my friend was in the throes of grief over the loss of his mother, he was a real bear to be around. So, i had to choose between my sanity or "supporting" him -- he was very needy and then would be aggressive with you when you came to support him. Ultimately, i didn't want to end the friendship or have him feel that i wasn't supporting him or have him break the relationship off then because he was in such a state. So, i just quietly decreased the amount of time I spent with him, while also making a concerted effort to spend time with him on a regular basis so there was an overall connection.
If you do need to break it off with a friend, it is better -- in my opinion -- to try and work it out first (can we talk? figure out if we can cross the divide?) and if that doesn't work, then say that it's time for everyone to move on. That's the way that I like to do things, but for some people, this is way too confrontational.
When it comes to facebook, though, it's different.
A lot of my facebook friends are people whom I don't really know: people from message boards or high school or friends of friends or similar. I don't really have a relationship with these folks, so there's no real point in me acting as if the friendship is real or in-depth.
When I need to do a facebook cull -- for whatever reasons -- I just do it.
If a person on facebook is an actual friend, then I'll message them and explain the situation, tell them I'm willing/interested in talking with them about it, etc. If a person is not an actual friend, then I just let it drift away -- because it's not that important to either of us. There are some people -- or there were -- on my friends list whom I didn't even know. . . how do I know this person? Why are we on FB together? etc. I figure that these people probably don't know me either, and as such, won't really miss me.
Recently, I put a notice on facebook that I was going to do another cull, and not to be offended if you happened to be culled. I was culling based on really focusing on those people with whom I want to have contact, rather than more "casual friends of friends" whom I've accepted over time onto my list. Most of those "friends of friends" just said "hey, cool no problem." in response to that posting, and others were like "I don't know where I fall, but I understand."
I've basically focused my facebook to actual friends, family, business contacts, and a few online friends whom I've known for a long time online even if I've never met them in person. It's not many people (230), and it's a good number for me to manage. I have contact with most of them most days, which is really nice for me and for my family. It makes facebook work for me.
But sometimes, i just let things go. One high school friend was a mother of a child the same age, and she spanked her daughter for taping her own artwork on the walls of her room. I didn't see this as a spank-worthy offense, and after reading about 15 contemptuous posts toward her child needing various disciplines, I just quietly unfriended her. I think her parenting is pretty atrocious, but it's not really my place to say so, and ultimately, i couldn't emotionally handle the way she perceived her daughter. For my own sanity, I needed to no longer be friends with her on facebook -- which made my process online a LOT nicer. She is totally free to go about her business; I am free to go about mine. We didn't need to have the discussion "yeah, i'm unfriending you because you're pretty much a horrible mother." I don't think she is, btw, but the attitude toward her child was upsetting to me. I think she's probably a great mom, and her kid seems happy and healthy. But I figure that anything I might ahve said would have been taken as criticism, was totally needless, as would any drama that stems from it.
So, you know, I just quietly unfriended her, and that was that. As far as I know, no one had any problem with it. I'm still friends with high school friends who are friends with her, and she hasn't mentioned anything to them as far as I know, so . . . yeah.
ApatheticNoMore
10-28-13, 2:09pm
When I am friends with someone, drifting away and/or shutting a person out is a hurtful, cowardly method of removing yourself.
If was a real close friend that's a problem. But if it's just someone I hang out with here and there I have no problem with it. I think I prefer it that way really than some long explanation which just causes pointless hurt.
FB is just one polical crusade after another, I don't mind political discussions haha, but it's just tiresome all the time: sign this petition today! Support this idea today!
As for people I will always get along best with people I have things in common with, politics may be part of that but it's more than that, and it's not an entirely conscious process.
Gardenarian
10-28-13, 6:09pm
I spend little time on Facebook, but if someone is continually posting things that I find annoying or tiresome or stupid, I just hide them from my feed rather than de-friend them. No hurt feelings.
In my circles, FB is largely social.
During high tension political times (ie, the recent shut down; elections; etc), it gets a bit insane. I have to block a few feeds now and again (particularly from family members). But otherwise, I can pretty much ignore it.
The thing that bothers me, though, is that my sister posts unsupported articles her feed (usually anti-obama/whatever), and when I put up a resource that is commonly considered a good resource (such as cato institute, kaiser in terms of insurance, etc), she then tells me I have a "liberal bias and agenda." It's really frustrating. I'm just refuting her unsupported statements. Sheesh. LOL
I get the same response even with non-political matters - i.e., posting links to Snopes when family members post disproved alarmism.
jennipurrr
11-1-13, 11:46am
In my circles, FB is largely social.
The thing that bothers me, though, is that my sister posts unsupported articles her feed (usually anti-obama/whatever), and when I put up a resource that is commonly considered a good resource (such as cato institute, kaiser in terms of insurance, etc), she then tells me I have a "liberal bias and agenda." It's really frustrating. I'm just refuting her unsupported statements. Sheesh. LOL
The thought of the Cato Institute propagating a liberal agenda made me LOL.
I know! Just goes to show that she won't read a link that I post.
I just did it to someone I knew thru a hobby group when she started posting somewhat hateful responses to my simply posting interesting articles about the ACA on my own page. I don't allow political hate speech like that on my Facebook and is the fastest way off it for people.
The thought of the Cato Institute propagating a liberal agenda made me LOL.
I disagree. If Cato Institute supports classic libertarian positions, I would consider some of those positions to be shared by the left. Ok, out of the box without thinking carefully:
full support of No drug laws
That's classic libertarian but many "progressives" like it as well.
Here's another: a greatly reduced US military worldwide--that could easily been seen as "not a conservative stance" aka "liberal." "cause lotsa liberals like that as well.
etc etc
I thought you meant Facebook, so let's go with that. I've had two Facebook people defriend me on account of them continually sending out a series of stock partisan propaganda. Finally, I commented that I did not agree with the opinion stated therein, each time they would do so. Not in a harsh way, but simply commented that I did not agree. I guess they felt that I was not entitled to express my opinion, though they saw nothing wrong with expressing theirs. So, I was defriended. What these dramatics-fanatics need to know is that there's no point in only preaching to the already converted; and they need thicker skin if they're going to proselytize.
gimmethesimplelife
12-21-13, 5:14am
Yes. I have experienced this, which may not come as a surprise to some due to the few topics that I am passionate about tend to be quite controversial. One case I can think of is my relatives still alive on my father's side of the family - none of which who I speak to and none of which who speak to me. I have a cousin in Milford, Massachusetts - or had, it's been years since we have been in touch - that I believed I was close to for awhile. When my father died in 1987, I had more contact than usual with the relatives in Massachusetts. They didn't care for my stance on family politics nor for my stance on politics in general and since 1995 we have cut all ties.
After all these years, I find it very ironic that these people live in Massachusetts of all 50 states. Reasons being that Massachusetts has some of what I approve of - it's liberal, high tax, was the first state to have legal gay marriage and was the first state to make drastic changes to health care. I have often thought I would be a good fit there in some ways, but I also know it's very expensive and competitive there and I have seen this bring out the worst in human nature. I've also met people from there over the years who were glad to get out - reasons being the cost of living vs. income and the aggressive nature of some in the Northeast.
Getting back to the topic, though, it's sort of sad for me about not being in touch with my cousin - I did think for awhile that this relationship was above family politics and politics in general. I was wrong. I'm chalking it up to having been younger then, live and learn. Rob
I came back to add that if we are going to talk about Facebook, I have lost a few "friends" there by sharing some of my thoughts about the ACA and just liberal posts in general. I was surprised to find how deep of a conservative one of these people were and how deeply offended they were by my Facebook shares - this person sent me a PM about the New World Order coming and then deleted me. I was not happy about this but it cut nowhere near as deep as severing ties with the relatives in Mass.
In real life, maybe because of religious beliefs but mostly when I was a kid and they were told by their parents that they weren't to associate with anyone who wasn't Christian. As an adult, I would likely try to avoid the topic of religion or politics if I knew or suspected someone was pretty far away from my views, but if they pressed then dropped me I would consider it their problem. My sister and BIL get a little like this and it's sort of weird-like they were all pro-Obama in 2008 but then way libertarian in 2012 and now somehow think a single-payer health care system is best but that we should also end the Fed. I try to avoid FB or IRL discussions on any topic that could get into this but I doubt they would drop me IRL. I have dropped friends who are kind of a thin thread online due to constant disagreeable political posts but in real life I might just be a little less in their lives if it was a constant disagreement thing. I think this person was just way into their own thoughts unfortunately, Pug.
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