View Full Version : How did you decide when to start a family?
My husband and I are at a point where we'd like to start a family. However, we keep postponing it because we're always thinking we have to accomplish certain things before we do. For example, I'd like to become more established in my new freelance business (who knows how long that'll take!), we'd like to see a bit more of the world together, etc.
Although I want to achieve these things, I also do not want to wait much longer to have our first kid (I'm 30). But at the same time, it's going to be me who has to put my career on hold in one way or another (my work situation is more flexible than DH's) and I'm not sure if putting it on the backburner now will hamper my prospects in the future. Theoretically, I have family who could babysit if I wanted to work, but maybe I won't want to work at all once I've got a kiddo - there are so many unknowns!
I also find it hard not to approach the matter from a perspective that assumes that we will effectively be housebound and not be able to incorporate kids into the things we already enjoy (namely travel). How can I alter this perspective?
So I'm just wondering: did you go through this mental turmoil when considering starting a family?? Do you have any sage advice? Thank you so much :)
So I'm just wondering: did you go through this mental turmoil when considering starting a family?? Do you have any sage advice? Thank you so much :)
I had kids when thinking about it wasn't mental turmoil. When I wanted a child so much that I wasn't even thinking about how I was going to incorporate kids into things I enjoyed. And when I knew that I wanted my biggest achievement in life to be in raising good, happy children.
Backburnering your career now WILL change your future career prospects. Many moms returning to the workplace end up working at something completely different. Having kids is because you want kids, and yes, there will be other things that go by the wayside. You can have everything, but not all at once. What I'm trying to articulate is that once you have kids the relative importance of all the other stuff declines sharply.
I was 31, going on 32. We'd been at our first professional jobs for almost a year, and felt secure. We'd just bought our first apartment. DH is 10 years older than me, so that was a big factor -- he didn't want to wait much longer, and as the oldest child and only male child in a fairly traditional Asian family there was definitely some pressure/expectations there.
Soon after we made the decision there was a reorganization and I was asked to take on a new role and accept responsibility for starting a new office in China. I agreed, not knowing at the time that I was already pregnant -- confirmed a few weeks later when I was already about 10 weeks along (started feeling nauseous on the subway about a week before that). Thankfully the organization agreed to let us delay our departure. It actually worked out well to move to China when DS was a baby -- not sure how I would have coped with an international relocation while pregnant. I did make an extended trip when I was about 5-6 months, and that was fine. We had also been in China the first few weeks of my pregnancy -- figured out later that me wanting to sleep all day and eat like a horse during that period was because I was pregnant, not because I was jetlagged.
It is hard to predict, but a lot of women find they are incredibly productive at work during pregnancy -- I was like that. Didn't have much morning sickness (except that short period at the end of my first trimester while riding the subway). got amazing amounts of stuff done, especially during the lead up to #2s birth. I put the final touches on a project design at 2am the morning we were leaving at 5am for her scheduled c-section (she was about 10 days overdue at that point and doc decided a VBAC would have been too risky at that point).
Good luck making your decision. You might find doing what we did -- not actively trying to track hormonal cycles, etc. but just not taking preventative measures -- is a good strategy. Just kind of let nature take its course and see what happens. Worked for us both times.
We had been married for 5 years and had pretty good footing at our jobs. We were 31 when we first tried to start a family. For us it turned into 7 years of repeat miscarriages . At age 38 we tried one more pregnancy and that one stuck around... :) Two more miscarraiges and then a second pregnancy held. We have two beautiful daughters and I work 40% FTE. I've kept a foot in the door at work but my main focus and joy come from mothering. Just to say even once you're "ready" there's no assurance things will stay to plan.
As far as incorporating your kids into travel it absolutely can be done. Our girls love to travel and get easier all the time. Next year we hope to go to Japan but we have done lots of domestic travel.
I was 37 and 39 when I had my 2 children. Up to around age 36, I didn't think I wanted kids, because of how I was mistreated as a child. Then I realized that yes, I wanted them!
I'm sure you'll get all sorts of different perspectives here. I had a "career", but I'm a home body, so I didn't feel like I was giving up anything. I have raised 2 beautiful, bright, incredibly wonderful children.
I'm so glad I did!
My "worst case scenario" kind of thinking would factor into my advise for you, Mira. Too much can happen while you're putting off having children. You might never get the chance, for various reasons.
Plus, even though I wouldn't have done it differently, it IS challenging to be an older parent.
Its a very personal decision. But none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. If you truly want to have children, I'd say don't put it off too long.
Once you get your marriage sorted out and on a firm basis, the finances stabilized and discussed and a reasonable plan of action for the next 20-30 years, you can consider having starting a family. I had my two at age 24 and 27 but despite originally wanting 4 in total, DH and I decided to limit to just the two for a whole bunch of reasons.
Sometimes, the $$ were short due to some decisions that we made but we lived well if thriftily with no regrets.
What I am seeing is young people thinking that they need a house with all the latest conveniences, new cars, and monthly expenses that make me cringe and then they start a family. No matter what you earn, or choice of career, that is generally not doable.
Having kids cost money, lots of time, energy and commitment. It means discussing and setting priorities. The employment seems to work out when the rest of one's life is stable.
Backburnering your career now WILL change your future career prospects. Many moms returning to the workplace end up working at something completely different. Having kids is because you want kids, and yes, there will be other things that go by the wayside. You can have everything, but not all at once. What I'm trying to articulate is that once you have kids the relative importance of all the other stuff declines sharply.
I found this to be very true. We originally decided to try when I was 29, figuring my husband would finish his PhD right soon after, then we'd move and I'd stay home a little while. But then I got laid off and ended up in a more hazardous chemical-intensive job. So we set it aside for 4 years until my new company had enough of a budget to hire someone else to do the hazardous work. But then I was 33 and it took me 1.5 years to get pregnant (when I was 35). In the end my husband didn't graduate until 2 years after we thought. For #2, we'd tried for a year and a half and nothing happened. So we gave up and I accepted a promotion at work. Then I got pregnant (at 41, gave birth at 42, figures...) It's been a challenge because the first year after #2 I went part time. Then I decided to try and squeeze in full time - that was a mistake. I don't have the energy for it and my company has made some major changes that mean I'm not enjoying my work at all anymore. Even though in general I still like working, my kids are WAY more important than the job. I never thought I'd feel this strongly. I'm an engineer, manager, been at this 21 years now. Never underestimate the effects of beautiful kids and some crappy management!
I think a lot of it depends on how you old are when you get married/partner permanently with someone. From watching friends' lives, a lot also depends on if the woman had a career or was planning to be a SAHM. I know of several couples who got married mid-late 20s. Their plan was for the wife to be a SAHM. They started trying for babies right away. The wife worked until partway through pregnancy. The only difference was how long it took the wife to become pregnant. Some had fertility issues and it took several years. Some got pregnant within a few months of marriage.
My first career was mom by choice. Had my 3 at ages 21, 23, and 26. Then returned for my nursing degree in the first half of my thirties. Second career was nursing for the last 16 years. I don't know how people do the two things simultaneously. Both nursing and parenting are intense jobs.
I didn't think about if we were ready. It was the 80s and people still just got married and had babies without much planning back then.
Gardenarian
11-2-13, 2:31pm
I was 41 and we had been married for 10 years, mortgage paid off, and I had recently left a job. It seemed like it was now or never! I thought I might have trouble conceiving, and we were both thinking "if it happens, it is meant to be." I went off the pill and was pregnant 2 weeks later, so it seems like it was meant to be.
I took a part-time job at a community college (where I am still working 15 years later.) My husband, who had been working much more than full time in a band (touring a lot) quit the band and took on work teaching music, and gigging once or twice a week. This has worked well for us, though our schedules are extremely complicated, especially when you add homeschooling to the mix.
I had already taken a step back from my career, realizing that writing was far more important to me than librarianship, and this made the decision easier. Though in truth I've done a lot less writing than I planned - you have to be strongly self-motivated (or have a nanny and house cleaner!) to really focus on creative pursuits with a little one in the house. I wrote a novel this year, the first book-length manuscript I've completed since she was born.
I had a hard time during the infant years. I've always needed a lot of sleep and a lot of alone time - both of which vanish when you have a baby. It was an enormous adjustment. The sacrifices - and there are sacrifices, for sure - are absolutely worth it, though I sometimes think that if people really knew what they were getting into when they had a baby, there would be far fewer children in the world.
Having a child does impose some limits, but I know women who have taken their young children all over the world. I have never been much of a traveler, but I did start taking my daughter hiking with me when she was as young as one month. Our adventures were limited more by my energy level than anything else. Breastfeeding and using a sling or baby pack make things pretty simple. (Simple but not easy.) You are fairly housebound for the first few weeks; after that, it's up to you and your dh.
There is a huge difference between the energy level at 31 and 41 - if you want to have an active family, I wouldn't put it off. You are at an age when your body can cope with sleeping a few hours a night - the inability to cope with sleep loss was probably the first thing I noticed about aging.
There is never a perfect time to have a baby; it's a complete leap of faith. In my case, I am forever grateful that we chose to have a baby when we did. It was almost too late - in the following years I had many miscarriages, and she is our only child (which I also think was meant to be.) She is my heart, my joy - never a moment of regret.
Note: I put off having children, thought I never wanted kids, because my parents were - well, not good at parenting, and themselves regretted having children. I learned a lot of what not to do from them.
SnakeBlitz33
11-2-13, 11:37pm
I was in my early 20s when my wife first conceived. I was not in college at the time, and working as much as I could. We lived in a tiny apartment and she was actually in college - student teaching - and was actually in a classroom working on the day that my daughter was born! Our daughter was semi-planned, although we were aiming for a Summer birth instead of a March birth.
What made us make that decision? Hmm... We kept putting it off and putting it off. We had been married for nearly 3 years and had dated 3 years before that... and it always seemed like we needed to establish ourselves more - get a bigger house, pay the house off, try to get that better job... try to graduate college... it was just too much to do and we decided that... really, there is no "right" time for ANYONE to get pregnant. We just took the step - a leap of faith - that whatever happens, happens, and we were going to work through it and life would be better knowing we were raising a kid together. Granted, I wanted a son, not a daughter at first, but after having a daughter - I know I would have been happy either way as long as "it" was healthy.
So,... basically,... there is no good time. There is not going to be a time in your life that will be perfect enough to decide to bring a child into this world. You have to take that first step - that leap of faith (and believe me, I don't have much of it...) to start your family... and know that everything will all work out in the long run.
You have all given me so much food for thought! Thank you for sharing your experiences! Please feel free to continue; I love reading these :)
When I wanted a child so much that I wasn't even thinking about how I was going to incorporate kids into things I enjoyed. And when I knew that I wanted my biggest achievement in life to be in raising good, happy children.
Backburnering your career now WILL change your future career prospects. Many moms returning to the workplace end up working at something completely different. Having kids is because you want kids, and yes, there will be other things that go by the wayside. You can have everything, but not all at once. What I'm trying to articulate is that once you have kids the relative importance of all the other stuff declines sharply
Good points. I definitely want raising children to be one of my biggest achievements and I can see myself not wanting to focus on anything else. However, I am scared of getting myself stuck in the same situation as my own mother - she gave up work to care for us but in the process lost her independence and her self-confidence. I want to make sure I am able to maintain these things by not letting my work-related skills slide. Somehow :/
It is hard to predict, but a lot of women find they are incredibly productive at work during pregnancy -- I was like that.
I REALLY hope this is true for me!! I could do with those extra 9 months of buisiness-building! I keep reading that it's just so exhausting that you actually can't concentrate.
As far as incorporating your kids into travel it absolutely can be done. Our girls love to travel and get easier all the time. Next year we hope to go to Japan but we have done lots of domestic travel.
Good to hear! I even know of lots of people myself who have travelled with kids (my parents included!) but for some reason, I can't relate it to my own possible reality. It'll become easier to envisage and see logistically once we have some of our own, I guess!
Too much can happen while you're putting off having children. You might never get the chance, for various reasons.
Plus, even though I wouldn't have done it differently, it IS challenging to be an older parent.
Its a very personal decision. But none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. If you truly want to have children, I'd say don't put it off too long.
I definitely know where you're coming from; I feel this way a lot. But as I mentioned in my first comment, I'm scared of selling myself short in the long run somehow... hmm...
Once you get your marriage sorted out and on a firm basis, the finances stabilized and discussed and a reasonable plan of action for the next 20-30 years, you can consider having starting a family.
...
What I am seeing is young people thinking that they need a house with all the latest conveniences, new cars, and monthly expenses that make me cringe and then they start a family. No matter what you earn, or choice of career, that is generally not doable.
We've been together for quite some time now and we're on the same page. Finances are good although my freelance work situation is just starting out. And yes, I agree that we're caught up in this myth that we cannot possibly have families without owning a giant home, an appliance for every need and a brand-new car. My dude and I cannot afford to buy the type of home we'd be willing to invest that much money in and we've come to realise that we really don't need a car. We live in a small (maybe even tiny by US standards - 550ish ft2?) rented apartment but have a giant park on our doorstep. Who says we'll have to spend all our time with kids inside?
There is a huge difference between the energy level at 31 and 41 - if you want to have an active family, I wouldn't put it off. You are at an age when your body can cope with sleeping a few hours a night - the inability to cope with sleep loss was probably the first thing I noticed about aging.
I will have to keep this in mind!
We just took the step - a leap of faith - that whatever happens, happens, and we were going to work through it and life would be better knowing we were raising a kid together.
I like your thinking :)
I didn't plan any children - but I have two. Dh and I married when i was 18 and he 20. We used birth control faithfully but yet I had two children and two miscarriages. Some are just ultrafertile. Caused lifelong issues actually with hormonal problems.
That being said - parenting is the best thing I have ever done. I now have grandchildren and am very involved in their lives. I see a big difference in the person I am as well as my skills and abilities. I am much more laid back with the grands. With my kids I always had something to prove - too young, working mom etc. Must be supermom at all costs. Now we are into FUN. Making memories in everyday situations. Checkered pants and striped shirt - no problem, the kiddies have personality.
I don't have advice for you specifically but whatever you chose, enjoy! When you cant enjoy remind yourself that it doesn't last forever. You will soon move into the next phase.
fidgiegirl
11-3-13, 11:08am
Thanks for posting this, mira. We are currently expecting and I share a lot of your same fears, so it's been reassuring to read everyone's answers. For our story, well, I had to go off birth control for health reasons, and from there, we thought we'd kind of leave it in a higher power's hands . . . didn't try, didn't not try, though we were loosely using the Fertility Awareness Method, but not for any particular goal (I mean not to get pregnant or to not get pregnant). And here we are. :) Like Snake, we tried to tell ourselves there would be no perfect time, because we are oooooooverplanners. And we're excited.
I did not know there were so many people on the boards who were by traditional standards older when they had their first kids. I found that interesting as we are 35 and 42 and have been feeling a bit of an outlier - and have had to put up with some nosey damn questions about it, too. :devil:
jennipurrr
11-3-13, 5:14pm
Mira, thanks for bringing this topic up. I'm right there with you with the same questions and worries. I totally appreciated everyone's answers! I don't know when a "right time" will be for me, but I am 31 and DH is 38. We are financially stable. He is saying it is getting to the point of now or never. Just this week I went off birth control for the first time since I was 18! I feel a little bit overwhelmed. I really DON'T think now is the right time. But, we're wrapping up our house renovation (which about killed me) and I am getting to the end of my coursework as I am pursuing a PhD part time. DH says he's not waiting until after I finish dissertation, so we will see. I'm hoping it may take a little while. Sometimes, I really think I want children and then on the other hand, a lot of days I feel like my life might be complete without children.
Fidgie, does "here we are" mean what I think it does? CONGRATS!
fidgiegirl
11-3-13, 5:57pm
Yep, it does, thanks!
Yep, it does, thanks!
Wow!!! Congratulations, Kelli!!!!
My family lived in 480 sq ft very happily. You just learn to adapt.
I discovered that 90% of what people think/feel they need for kids are just consumer items and not really needs.
Otherwise, we knew we wanted children, but didn't feel ready to have them around age 27 when I had my first accidental pregnancy followed by miscarriage. That got a fire under us, and we decided to put our expenses onto a single income, and then reduce those expenses as much as possible. And, learned about how to parent simply -- like how you don't need a stroller unless you have back problems (baby wearing), and you don't need a high chair (baby lead weaning), or a crib (bed sharing/cosleeping). Basically, we needed a wrap, a car seat, and a few baby items (3 hats, a few bibs, a few outfits (really, you don't need many). We didn't even need a lot of diapers (elimination communication). We didn't really have toys until he was 1 or so -- and we still keep that to a minimum.
His biggest expense is his education -- he goes to private school, but it's worth it (totally different pedagogy, not just "fancy" versions of the normal pedagogy). But, we planned for and can afford that, too. Or, we're doing that now anyway. LOL
Also, we were 32 and 36 when we had the boy. It's great, but we see why younger people are built for it. Those all nighters are no problem when you're 22. They are a bit tougher when you are 32.
It's why we stopped at one, really. We just felt that it was best. There's an outside chance of a baby later, but I doubt it. :)
And congratulations, fidgie! :D
It only struck me as I checked to see the new posts ... did one not first start to think of having a sense of family by the initial commitment of the partnership? The idea of adding a child, dog, type of home etc seemed to grow from that initial sense of commitment for DH and myself. Is it all stages and some we opt for doing and some opt out of because it is not our choice for our future together?
Maybe getting too philosophical LOL.
Blackdog Lin
11-4-13, 9:43pm
In my case it was a pure and simple case of hormones: baby fever. (Doesn't/didn't anyone else contract this disease?) I always knew I wasn't really a maternal type, and hadn't specifically planned for children, but the fever was bad. We married at 19, and around the age of 24 my hormones went into baby-overdrive and having one was all I could think of. It consumed me, no matter that I had never wanted children. We got pregnant "accidently on purpose" without ever discussing it. Maybe some of it was that everyone we knew were having babies - we were married 6 years before our son was born, which was quite late amongst our peers.....
With my first, my dd, I was young and, you know, stupid, lol but we didn't even really think about it. You get married and you have kids. And of course, the pregnancy occurred during a few months of no insurance. :doh:
And I really mean stupid because 1 - I kinda knew I shouldn't have married this guy to begin with. And 2 - I am a hemophilia carrier with a 25% chance of having a boy with hemophilia. 50/50 chance in a male pregnancy. And I really truly did not seriously enough consider the implications of this.
When I remarried (big shock huh) we waited 3 years. But that was only because we had to wait for 3 years to be eligible to adopt from Korea. We were definitely more stable than my first marriage ever was. I told my DH before we got married that we would have to adopt since between the hemophilia risk and not knowing what had caused DD's issues, I was not feeling genetically lucky. See I wised up a little bit. lol
But again, we did not really think about it much. We just knew we wanted kids. We have 3 great kids. All with different challenges and abilities. I am blessed.
Just popped in to say congratulations, Kelli! Such exciting news :D
catherine
11-6-13, 12:07pm
I'm curious to know about the trend these days to delay parenting? Mira, your questions are not unlike those of my own four kids, who are between the ages of 28 and 35, and my 35 y.o. is JUST NOW having his first, and none of my other kids have any. Nor are the others married.
I had my kids between the ages of 26 and 33. My parents were younger than that when they had me. So parenting seems to be getting put off more and more. Is it because of career concerns or financial concerns or "fun" concerns or all three?
ApatheticNoMore
11-6-13, 12:46pm
Well and mom was 37 when she had her first kid and my dad, rest his soul, was 51-52 (kids those days putting off parenting for so long). "Through a sleep I ride, feel like a night that shines, with a memory of long ago". I met some family members recently, another one of them had had fathered their first kid even later I think, retired with a 13 year old ...
In my case it was a pure and simple case of hormones: baby fever. (Doesn't/didn't anyone else contract this disease?) I always knew I wasn't really a maternal type, and hadn't specifically planned for children, but the fever was bad. We married at 19, and around the age of 24 my hormones went into baby-overdrive and having one was all I could think of. It consumed me, no matter that I had never wanted children. We got pregnant "accidently on purpose" without ever discussing it. Maybe some of it was that everyone we knew were having babies - we were married 6 years before our son was born, which was quite late amongst our peers..... I never got the baby fever - although I occasionally got a bit of yearning for the cute little tykes but cleared that up quickly by driving by a high school as it let out. Teenagers - the cure for the baby fever :-) :-) . I also never wanted to have kids and married someone who shared that feeling. However, I found out when I was 30 that I couldn't have kids anyways and, even though I still didn't want kids I went thru a big feeling of loss having the potential taken away from me. That only lasted a short time and now am very happily childless. But I do often wonder if the baby urge or fever would have come on stronger the older I got. I don't think so as I know many people who couldn't have kids and they go thru extreme lengths and expense trying to adopt or find a surrogate and I've never had any desire to do either.
...But I do often wonder if the baby urge or fever would have come on stronger the older I got. I don't think so as I know many people who couldn't have kids and they go thru extreme lengths and expense trying to adopt or find a surrogate and I've never had any desire to do either.
Nah, it wouldn't. There's some gene (mest gene?) that is implicated in yearning for motherhood. I'm pretty sure I don't have it.
iris lilies
11-6-13, 8:20pm
In my case it was a pure and simple case of hormones: baby fever. (Doesn't/didn't anyone else contract this disease?) .....
I know what The Fever is because I get it for kittens, but not for human children. I suppose it could be said that I have a low grade infection all the time which is why I'm drawn to bulldogs with their soft round heads and pushed-in faces, like babies. And the best description I've heard of bulldogs is that they are "two year olds in fur suits."
Well I have made it thru 40 years of marriage without any desire by either of us for kids. My mom always said it was the best decision I ever made. No regrets. My Dad has zero grandkids from his 3 kids. Upsets him no end but we don't have kids for our parents.
I know what The Fever is because I get it for kittens, but not for human children. I suppose it could be said that I have a low grade infection all the time which is why I'm drawn to bulldogs with their soft round heads and pushed-in faces, like babies. And the best description I've heard of bulldogs is that they are "two year olds in fur suits."
It's so good to hear from people who knew they didn't want kids and chose not to, rather than having them and not being into it..
iris lilies, your post reminds me of a couple I knew who had a child who, IMHO, was starving for attention from his parents. The dog, on the other hand, got plenty of attention. In fact, the parents once went on vacation and left their son home but took the dog. I'll never forget that.
Well I have made it thru 40 years of marriage without any desire by either of us for kids. My mom always said it was the best decision I ever made. No regrets. My Dad has zero grandkids from his 3 kids. Upsets him no end but we don't have kids for our parents.
The five granddaughters in my family are remarkably un-fecund. One (the outlier) has three, one has one (oops!) and the remaining three of us "forgot to have children."
But oh! kittens. I'm sitting on my hands to avoid burdening myself with another cat.
iris lilies
11-6-13, 10:01pm
...
iris lilies, your post reminds me of a couple I knew who had a child who, IMHO, was starving for attention from his parents. The dog, on the other hand, got plenty of attention. In fact, the parents once went on vacation and left their son home but took the dog. I'll never forget that.
I'm nearly as bad. Once I put my own dogs in the kennel and took our foster dog with us on vacation because frankly, he was just better behaved.
I like hearing about people who never caught the baby bug. It crept up on me. I was NOT expecting it at all...
It only struck me as I checked to see the new posts ... did one not first start to think of having a sense of family by the initial commitment of the partnership? The idea of adding a child, dog, type of home etc seemed to grow from that initial sense of commitment for DH and myself. Is it all stages and some we opt for doing and some opt out of because it is not our choice for our future together?
Maybe getting too philosophical LOL.
Oh definitely! I feel much more like a family now that we're married, even though we'd been living together for about 4 years before we tied the knot. It's hard to explain. But I've been getting terrible bouts of "baby fever" for the last couple years...
I'm curious to know about the trend these days to delay parenting? Mira, your questions are not unlike those of my own four kids, who are between the ages of 28 and 35, and my 35 y.o. is JUST NOW having his first, and none of my other kids have any. Nor are the others married.
I had my kids between the ages of 26 and 33. My parents were younger than that when they had me. So parenting seems to be getting put off more and more. Is it because of career concerns or financial concerns or "fun" concerns or all three?
I think it is a combination of those three aspects that you've mentioned. It has taken me much longer than I ever expected to get myself into an "adult" job (one which allows me to use my degrees, at least) and I want a somewhat solid work background before I take time off to procreate :). I want to be able to go back to work if I feel compelled to. Also, not having been able to get a "proper" job has meant less money to play around with to do things like travel, which is a luxury, of course, but something we greatly enjoy. I think we'd be ok financially to raise a kid though. In short, I feel like I haven't finished cultivating certain sides of myself yet and want to make sure I do before I have to shift the focus onto a brand new little person and cultivate THAT side of myself/mine and my husband's relationship.
Does this resonate with your children's situations? Do the ones without children want them at some point or is it not something they're interested in?
I was 35 and 39 for both kids. Seconding that your career may take a very different track post-children: I was in IT and decided to stay home with the kids after the second came home. My knowledge eventually became obsolete and I never went back to software. Now I have a job rather than a career, and it took a while to find one.
Nah, it wouldn't. There's some gene (mest gene?) that is implicated in yearning for motherhood. I'm pretty sure I don't have it. you're probably right as I've never had that urge after that brief time and never regretted my decision not to have kids when I was younger and could have them. Although I had a career then that I loved where I couldn't/wouldn't have kids so I wouldn't have had them then anyways as I wasn't about to give that up. I actually find myself often saying "OMG I'm soooo glad I don't have kids" pretty often so it was probably the right choice for me. Plus there is a HUGE difference between having the baby or toodler fever and raising kids to adulthood. All that constant child-related work, unless you really enjoy it, is just something I'm not interested in. The seemingly never ending tasks, chores, projects, needs, cooking, cleaning, shopping, the financial and career sacrifices, etc... parents have to do for a their children for 18 years or so each is a far cry from cuddling an adorable baby (one who never poops or cries of course :-)!). I remember having an epithany at 8 years old about marriage and children and knew then that I didn't want either. Everyone told me I'd change my mind when I got older but I didn't (although I did get married to a very open-minded and equal-minded guy). Everyone told me I'd regret my choice but again, I haven't. But I still think babies are adorable - those ones that never poop or cry of course :-)!
We had a strong desire to have kids when we got married at 24 (me) and 20 (him). We had our first daughter 6 days after our first anniversary when I was 25. Baby #6 is due the day after that daughter's 10th birthday this March.
We married in 1973 and believed we wouldn't have children. It was rather unpopular at the time. I had twinges at the 28-30 yr old years but we still decided not to have any. Perhaps regrets but it's too late now. now all of our similar aged friends are child free (except for grandkids that is) and we all have more time for each other. Of course now we're all close to or retired! :) I like kids in fact I work in the children's room of a library and do storytime. They're my faux grandkids!
I'm curious to know about the trend these days to delay parenting? Mira, your questions are not unlike those of my own four kids, who are between the ages of 28 and 35, and my 35 y.o. is JUST NOW having his first, and none of my other kids have any. Nor are the others married.
People's need/reason would vary, but I can explain mine.
I was raised with a "babies will ruin your life" expression. That is, if you have a baby too soon, too young, and "before you can afford it" -- then you'll ruin your life, and theirs too. So, you had to wait until the conditions were "perfect" before you could have babies. Also, boys are a distraction from your goals and your success, so best to leave them be, because they'll entice you to have sex, and sex makes babies and babies ruin your life.
This is serious, because when i was 32, i was scared to tell my parents about the pregnancy because I didn't want to upset them. I hadn't reached any of the goals that they'd set for me. I wasn't living in the right sized house, and I didn't have the right kind of job, and I didn't wear make up. I'd already been married for 5/6 years at this point, and we'd been together since I was 20 -- so the relationship (and sex) were well established.
We waited until we "felt ready" -- which is when we'd basically reached certain goals personally and financially. And then we waited for the feeling.
In terms of having more, it's not a fertility issue: when DS was about 3, we noticed that both of us had more time to focus on our work -- and we both love our work and want to work. Having another baby now means another three years "head down" based on how we prefer to parent (which is probably "too intensively" for some people), and we have goals that we want to meet.
Also, DS is awesome, but he's an intense kid. He's very active, very fiery, and he is a lot for DH and I. Perhaps two would just be different or better or whatever, but we're happy with just one baby (the three of us). And, it'll allow us to travel more.
We're setting up our holiday for the summer -- we're going to upstate NY with friends to do a hiking/lake camping trip. So, the only expenses will be food/gas. They have all the equipment that we need and are going to share it with us. So that's sweet.
catherine
11-14-13, 6:30pm
Zoebird, your story about being afraid to tell your parents when you were pregnant at 32 hit home.. And I laughed when I saw you were 32! It's not like you were 16!
In my case, when I told my MIL I was pregnant, she simply said, "I thought you were going to buy a house first."
She was equally unimpressed when I was pregnant with #2 and #3.
But #4 was the best. Now, I was petrified to tell BOTH my own mother and my MIL. My mother was the most go with the flow person in the world, but even she said, "Well, there are abortions." I know that might sound shocking, but without divulging my circumstances at the time, I have to say that a 15 year old single mother with no job would have more good reasons to have a baby than I did at that time.
We intentionally didn't tell MIL for months and months. I was obviously pregnant in the summer but she never caught on. Then one day DH was on the train going into NY with her and they were talking about health insurance and he let it slip--he said something like, "Well, with catherine being pregnant and all.." Well, I'm sure that the train engineer probably thought he hit something or somebody because my MIL shrieked "WHATTT??????" so loudly it could have wakened the dead.
In spite of everyone's misgivings, DD was born joyous; one of her teachers called her a "magical child." And she was. And still is. So the important things work out as long as you keep them the important things.
And don't worry about what your parents think.
. Baby #6 is due the day after that daughter's 10th birthday this March.
Wow -- congratulations, Stella! If you announced this elsewhere I missed it. Hope all goes smoothly in the coming months.
lhamo
It was simple. Package deal. Fell in love with a woman 35 years ago. The two kids came with her. Three (of the five) luckiest breaks of my life.
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