Gregg
11-8-13, 9:16am
Coming soon (as soon as the nautical industry hires better lobbyists).
Subject: New Affordable Boat Act . . .
The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The Affordable
Boat Act," declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat by April
2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000
each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and
registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair
costs.
This law has been passed because until now, typically only wealthy and
financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new
law ensures that every American can now have an "affordable" boat of their
own, because everyone is entitled to a new boat. If you purchase your boat
before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not
including monthly usage fees.
In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of
owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way,
wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or
can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can't afford to
maintain their boat will be regularly fined, and children (under the age of
26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must
purchase their own boat.
If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you
can’t). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one
anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can't afford one, you will be regularly
fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment.
Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the
desert, ghettos, inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not
exempt. Neither age, motion sickness, inexperience, lack of boating knowledge,
nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.
A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the
port, starboard or stern sides of a boat) will decide everything,
including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your
boat along with how many people can ride in your boat, and determine if one is
too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also
decide if your boat has outlived its usefulness or if you must purchase
specific accessories (like a $500 compass), or a newer and more expensive
boat. Those who can afford yachts will be required to do so…it’s only fair.
The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply
with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.
Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat,
they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of taxpayers.
Unions and mega companies with large political affiliations are
also exempt.
Subject: New Affordable Boat Act . . .
The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: "The Affordable
Boat Act," declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat by April
2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000
each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and
registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair
costs.
This law has been passed because until now, typically only wealthy and
financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new
law ensures that every American can now have an "affordable" boat of their
own, because everyone is entitled to a new boat. If you purchase your boat
before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not
including monthly usage fees.
In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of
owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way,
wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or
can't afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can't afford to
maintain their boat will be regularly fined, and children (under the age of
26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must
purchase their own boat.
If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you
can’t). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one
anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can't afford one, you will be regularly
fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment.
Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the
desert, ghettos, inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not
exempt. Neither age, motion sickness, inexperience, lack of boating knowledge,
nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.
A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the
port, starboard or stern sides of a boat) will decide everything,
including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your
boat along with how many people can ride in your boat, and determine if one is
too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also
decide if your boat has outlived its usefulness or if you must purchase
specific accessories (like a $500 compass), or a newer and more expensive
boat. Those who can afford yachts will be required to do so…it’s only fair.
The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply
with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.
Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat,
they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of taxpayers.
Unions and mega companies with large political affiliations are
also exempt.