Things don't get simpler as kids get older.

[pcooley]

This is more of an observation than a question. This week I've been feeling very, very discouraged. When the kids were younger, it seemed we were freer to be more idealistic and being a family felt like a more coherent enterprise. I was particularly happy that we did so well for so long living without a car. Not using a car is a big deal to me personally. I feel much happier when I'm bicycling everywhere. I can feel smug about not contributing to climate change (quite as much). We were known throughout the city as "that bicycling family." It was fun to throw the kids in the trailer and head downtown to the Farmer's Market, etc.

A couple of years ago, my daughter made it into a good charter school that's off on the edge of town, (about six miles out a very busy two-lane road with three roundabouts). After much thought, and several bicycle trips out to the charter school, we decided to throw in the carfree towel and buy a car. There is a school bus, but we wanted her, and my son when he joins her, to be able to do after school activities, and the city bus does not run all the way out there past 5:00 p.m.

Still, I naively assumed that we would only be driving five or six hundred miles a year.

The schedules for everything, however, are crazy. She's on the cross-country, swimming, track, and chess teams. My son is already going out to participate with the chess team, though he's still wrapping up his last year of elementary school.

And these teams don't practice just once or twice a week. Practice is every *&^^%# day! And then the meets seem to be every weekend. We're in the car all the time.

Normally, my daughter does take the school bus to school, and my son still walks or bicycles to school, so I bicycle to work every day, but then the afternoon activities require using the car.

This week, my daughter has a sprained ankle, so I'm driving much more than usual, and it's making me very depressed. I arrived at the college where I work and went to the library where my wife works, and she handed me the schedule of swim meets, and I felt like sinking into the floor.

I'm proud of my daughter for her involvement in all these activities, but we no longer have dinner together at our regular time. We usually eat at 5:15, but now she's not home some times until 7:30 or 8:00, and driving is against my environmental, frugal, and simplicity values. This past week, every time I've turned on the car, I've thought about the people in the Philippines. We originally sold the car when we had children because we wanted to teach them to be environmentally responsible. Now I feel like I'm sending the wrong message driving 2 hours to get to a swim meet on the weekend. I'm very conflicted about it. (Not to mention that I'm just very unhappy stuck in a car).

I know I'm whining about life stuff other people take as a matter of course. I just never realized it would be this much more complicated or depressing as the kids got older. Partly it's just a loss of identity. All of my published articles, and my now defunct blog, dealt with living without a car as a family, (and a little bit about being a carfree beekeeper). Now, I no longer know what to write. I haven't made it around the corner to where I can see a bright future and things to write about that include car ownership. I know that's silly, but it's also difficult. My vision for my life encompasses bicycling down to the Farmer's Market; it doesn't include hopping in the car to drive across the state to sit in some bleachers while a bunch of people I don't know go swimming, or running, or chess playing. I not only feel angry and unhappy that I'm not out enjoying the day, I feel like a bad parent for resenting the activity.

[Lainey]

I think it's normal to feel resentful. People think that children under 10 or so take up all your time because you pretty much have to watch them 24/7, and then the tween and teen years arrive and you find out they actually take more time because you have to accommodate their schedules.

I know some parents limit after-school activities to one or two at a time. Also remember that when your older one turns 16, they can start driving themselves sometimes.

The next few years may be tough but there is light at the end of the teenage tunnel!

[catherine]

Every stage has its challenges and joys, and don't lose sight of the joy.. it's normal to feel pulled in a million different directions at this time of your/your children's lives. But it goes really fast..so try to go with the flow. You do have to pick your battles. Is it more important to stick to the dinner routine, or give your DD the flexibility to do things she may enjoy?

And it does feel sometimes like you're losing yourself when you spend your life being chauffeur, chef, and all the different roles parents play. Can you find more time for solitude, like for walks by yourself, where maybe your next writing project will be revealed to you? I had four kids and I have a very extroverted DH, and I'm just as introverted, so finding quiet time for me was critical to my sanity in the midst of my noisy house when my kids were growing up!

I used to hate it when older parents told me to enjoy whatever difficult stage my kids were in, but I'm going to say the same to you.. (sorry :)

[Merski]

I have heard of families limiting their child to one extracurricular activity at a time. It helps with carpooling, homework, focus, sanity etc.

[Florence]

This is a season of your life. You are preparing yourself and your children for their launch out of your nest and into the big world. Treasure the time you are together in the car--very soon they will be gone. I agree whole heartedly that it doesn't get easier as they get older, at least for tween and teen years. It is a tumultuous time for everyone is redefining who they are. Hang in there Paul, remember one of these days you will need your children to take you to your doctor's appointments...

[CathyA]

I understand how you feel. But its okay to limit things. I know........you feel like you are denying them things if you don't let them take part in everything they want to do. Is there a way you can limit things? Maybe drop 1 or 2 of the activities that are the least important to them?
I think this is part of our (unhealthy) culture........thinking that its a good thing to do absolutely everything. So I think its okay to try to compromise somehow.

Also........oh the other hand......like Florence said, its the season of your life. There is ALOT of sacrificing that goes on in raising children. Its the hardest job I ever had. And it continues.........even when they are gone from the nest.

Try to decide how to have several meals together, how to feel less anxious/disappointed all that time you're in the car, and make sure you take time for yourself too.
It IS a challenge. And sometimes it really hurts to feel like your dream isn't jiving with reality. Just try to do your best. There will be a lot of compromising. Hang in there!

[Float On]

Florence said exactly what I was going to say.
My boys are 16 and 17 and neither one has their license (by choice). Both plan to go to college in cities and use public transportation. Meanwhile, we live out of district so I drive them 13 miles to school. I'm making 3-4 trips to town a day. Last week alone was a 3 tank week in the Escape. It would of been 4 if I'd driven the Durango or Ranger. Along the way of children we morphed from a one truck family to three. I'm pretty thankful for a few weeks off between drama production and musical tryouts. Daily it's a 'who needs to be where, when?' conversation. But...it's a season, in two short years they'll already be almost 1/2 way through their first year in college.

[mtnlaurel]

My son does travel sports and carpooling is must. For our little circle it really does 'take a village', as many of my son's friends are the youngest of multiple sibling families and the older ones have their own sport/music/extra-curriculars going on too. So many times we give rides to games and the parents just aren't physically able to make it because they can't be 4 places at once. And the kids seem totally fine with their parents not being at every single game & we cheer them on as if they are our own anyway. We have also doubled up with families riding in the same car to save gas & the kids just love being together. We are VERY lucky that we've fallen into a situation where we genuinely like our fellow team parents because the amount of time we spend together is un-frickin'-believable https://snt148.mail.live.com/Handlers/ImageProxy.mvc?bicild=&canary=IX4h0kxOACTquHSGkLv3vBj5Qj4%2bN0LE4EUZaYRly X8%3d0&url=http%3a%2f%2fwww.simplelivingforum.net%2fimage s%2fsmilies%2f8834%5b1%5d.gif

I am an extroverted loner with boundary issues, so getting mixed up with other people isn't always what I want to do, but it's necessary at this stage of things. I kind of lurked around a little bit and only get involved with other parents that fit my random, chaotic style. (I'm not a very good fit with the super type-A together moms :S ) Maybe that's why we've gravitated toward the bigger families that are just trying to stay on top of the wave https://snt148.mail.live.com/Handlers/ImageProxy.mvc?bicild=&canary=IX4h0kxOACTquHSGkLv3vBj5Qj4%2bN0LE4EUZaYRly X8%3d0&url=http%3a%2f%2fwww.simplelivingforum.net%2fimage s%2fsmilies%2f8834%5b1%5d.gif

I bet in your community of SantaFe you are not the only one feeling conflicted as you do regarding the sustainability of so much car use for extracurricular activities.
Maybe you could find some other like-minded folks to do rideshares, etc. or pep-buses to games ????

My BIL is a dedicated bicyclist and lives in Portland, OR where it is very easy to bike.
He has a hauling commuter bike (that I think cost than my first car) and he coached my nephew's soccer team & BIL would just load that bike up with kids, balls & practice cones and head across town for their practices. It was so awesome.

Regarding young women & sports. I played at least one sport a season coming up and it has helped me tremendously in life. The self-esteem I garnered from sweating, laughing, competing, testing myself, encouraging others, failing & getting back up, working hard with other young women is immeasurable.
My freshman year of college my dorm floor was filled with women from the swim team and their unsung dedication was awe inspiring. The sports your daughter is participating in take a tremendous amount of discipline.

My mom was really vocal about how much she hated picking me up late at night, etc and it made me feel really bad.
My dad on the other hand played one-on-one basketball with me late at night, would play tennis with me for hours ... and those are some of my best childhood memories.

I very much understand the sadness of putting your own interests on hold for a while. My husband & I love camping and backpacking and DS's sport life has put a crimp in that. But when we go for tournaments we try to camp when possible --- although it's not ideal, we try to fit a little bit for everybody in. Or when we go to a different part of the state for a match, we try to find a short hike or park we've not been to and add that to our day. Now that our daughter is 5 we are looking for short overnight backpack trips for next spring on the occasional weekend that there aren't any matches.

Yeah, it's a sacrifice, but I think a worthwhile one in the long run.

Edit to add: I just reread your post and the last paragraph. For certain, find ways to get writing back in your life. I can tell you miss it. Redefine yourself and share your struggles with this chapter of life.

[ctg492]

You are a good parent for doing all you do.
This too shall pass, is a phrase to remember. I understand totally. I went from trying to save the world!thumbsup!, biking everywhere 3,600 miles last year and all the other things that make me feel like I did my part. To......driving 3,500 miles a month, recycling got tossed out, walmart is the quickest no brain shopping >:( I sit here today and say what is happening to my crazy life.....this too shall pass.
I often wondered about the families that give up cars and all the frills when the kids are small, how they could do it when they were teens.

[try2bfrugal]

I sympathize with you, pcooley. We have struggled with the same issues.

The after school activities around us were kind of an American way of life. I didn't really agree with the hectic schedules, but our kids' friends were often in back to back activities, so when I didn't put them in a lot of activities, they felt left out and didn't have friends around to hang out with.

I don't have a solution. If I had to do it over maybe a more rural or lower income area would have been more laid back with less structured / driving activities. I think I would have encouraged more unstructured hobbies and family activities. When the kids were older we joined an archery club and could do that as a family, so maybe we could have started activities like that sooner. Maybe we all should have done Habitat for Humanity work, joined a sailing club or had a community garden plot together.

I know some weeks we would work all week and then my husband and I would spend the day in different cities 100 miles a part for kids traveling sports teams, not to mention the practices during the week and the non-sports stuff.

Even with that, we were still less involved in structured kids activities than some of the other parents and I think that helped with our early retirement plans, because it left more time to work on our businesses. Some of the moms who did the structured kids activities pretty much full time are going back to work now to help pay for college, while we worked more and saved up while the kids were younger. We are ramping down our work hours now in our fifties and looking forward to traveling and having more free time, while some of the other families are ramping up the work hours to pay for college and retirement.

[pcooley]

Thanks, everyone. I'm a little bit over my crankiness of yesterday.

I think what's hard is that few people seem to think about how to reduce the driving. As an alternative transportation advocate, it's a priority for me.

I CAN understand it. If the track meet is out of the city, it's out of the city. It just wouldn't work to try to have a track team, etc., and then say that we would only attend events within bicycling distance. But I rarely run into any other parents that say, "You know what would be great, if we could bike to all the track meets."

We've been the odd family out in that respect for quite some time.

Both my wife and I are introverts too, so we don't get involved as team parents. We're there when we can be, but there are parents of children that our children have known for years, and my wife and I still don't know the parents' names and struggle with the childrens'.

(I'd be a lot of fun if I was not so introverted. I never joined the elementary school PTA because their values are so diametrically opposed to mine. We're coming up on the annual "Turkey Bingo." While the adults play bingo, the kids play "turkey bowling", sliding a dead frozen turkey down the hallway in an attempt to knock over 2 liter bottles of soda. And what do they win? A 2 liter bottle of soda! Seriously?! It's horrifying to do that with a once-living being to begin with. And then to give SODA to children? At a school function? If I were just a little less introverted, I would be on the PTA giving them an earful about their cruelty, stupidity, irresponsibility, etc. I did finally speak up in Boy Scouts to say "No, Boy Scouts should not sell chocolate bars to raise money.")

Our daughter is an incredibly motivated self-starter.

[Florence]

OMG!! That is the worst school fund raiser I have ever heard of!! Wow! Just Wow!

[catherine]

Thanks, everyone. I'm a little bit over my crankiness of yesterday.

I think what's hard is that few people seem to think about how to reduce the driving. As an alternative transportation advocate, it's a priority for me.


Perhaps if it's that big of a priority, you could think about moving to a town with a high walk score. I'm not being snarky--our country is simply NOT alternative-transportation-friendly, with the exception of some towns/cities where families really don't need cars. If that is so important to you, really, why not move? Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for frustration and resentment.


If I were just a little less introverted, I would be on the PTA giving them an earful about their cruelty, stupidity, irresponsibility, etc. I did finally speak up in Boy Scouts to say "No, Boy Scouts should not sell chocolate bars to raise money.

We do live in this society, and I think it helps to withhold judgement on those who hold different values--especially when you are raising children in that community which you have chosen for them. I understand that you are venting right now, but none of us are perfect. A lot of those Boy Scout leaders probably have a lot of redeeming qualities.. despite peddling chocolate bars! :)

(I have to admit that Turkey Bowling is not my idea of a good family-friendly activity.)

[Gardenarian]

That turkey fundraiser - stupid and offensive on so many levels that it difficult to comprehend.

I also have a teen and find my driving has increased as well. It is tempting to say "cut back on the activities", but she's doing some great stuff and learning a lot of life skills.

On the upside, being in the car gives us an opportunity to talk without interruption; at home dd is usually on the phone, chatting, or has on headphones.

[ctg492]

Hindsight 20/20 you know, but......I wish I had spent more time taking the guys places sports and school stuff in 11-12 grade. I gave them freedom of gas and cars for all the right reasons. I looked at it freedom for me. For them it was actually a mistake, their freedom time was used for girls, beer and one a drug bust.....

[Zoebird]

See if her team mates are willing to run carpools. Carpools make a huge difference. DH and I were setting up to join the pool from the city to the school outside of town -- and our requirement would be to pay for gas, since there was a mom who drove and volunteered at the school in between drives. That worked for her. Awesome -- meant less driving for me. Now that we live in sort of the opposite way (we're in a burb and the school is in the city -- we plan on moving when we can afford it), there are other families who live out here. So, we'll car pool with them. I'm not sure yet what the arrangements are going to be with that.

My mother relied on the car pool, too. It meant she drove once a week for the car pool, and other moms drove on the other days.

Though, to be honest, you might encourage her to cut back on activities.

[enota]

Have you considered saying NO. There is no law that says children must participate in every activity that comes along. Certainly, this is a very new concept, because when I went to school back in the Jurassic period, I had too much homework and chores to have time to do anything "after school". I cannot even IMAGINE approaching my parents back then about taking me somewhere after school. They worked all day and were tired. No way would they waste their time carting me around. Their "down time" was precious and they made sure I knew that.

Kids today run the show. I'm sorry, but you have to be a parent and give them boundaries. Otherwise you become nothing more than a mode of transportation for them to do their activities and see their friends. There is no value in something that is given for free.

[razz]

Re the writing issue... can you write about your conflicts at present and what pressures society puts on one in childraising in today's world. I am sure that a lot of people would relate.

[katieb12]

Re the writing issue... can you write about your conflicts at present and what pressures society puts on one in childraising in today's world. I am sure that a lot of people would relate.

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