Thoughts on purchasing Xmas presents to relatives who expect them in return

[snowwolf]

I have been trying to reduce the number of material gifts we buy for our children (getting there slllloooowwwly) and between DH and myself. But my big question is that all of our family members (in-laws, cousins, etc.) have always spent a certain amount of money on each of us and of course they really expect the same from us. None of these other family members are trying to reduce material purchases and attempting to live more of a minimalist lifestyle or would value experience over material goods. I haven't the slightest idea of how to -- or even if to -- begin to address this with other family members. Too late to do it this year, but maybe get a head start for next year. I would much rather tell adults to donate money to a charitable cause for my DH and me and maybe grandparents/aunts/uncles can take our children out to a special show/event or do something very special with them and other more distant family members could buy tickets to an amusement park or something. Any thoughts for how to address the "requirement" of purchasing gifts for these relatives and telling them about what we would rather have for our family? Thanks ahead of time!

[sweetana3]

I found this reply from several years ago on another board:

'There's an old saying (I think it was Dr. Seuss)...

"Those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind"

I'm sure your family will understand your situation. The true spirit of Christmas is NOT in spending money on things that we can't afford....it should be about spending time with one another and creating lasting memories.

My suggestion to your nieces and nephews is to create coupons for them.....redeemable for an afternoon of tobogganing or a winter afternoon at the park with hot chocolate at the end."

Most of the replies said to talk directly with each couple, person, relative and explain. It is hard to write a letter or email and make it as personal. Be clear and have the discussion with those in your immediate family first. Husband and wife should be on the same page. There will be those who still send you presents and you will just have to accept and thank them.

I suggest not telling them to donate for you. However, it is fine to suggest time and activities rather than possessions.

[tetrimbath]

A heartening note:
Sadly, I am the only one in my family choosing a frugal life (though lately it has been imposed rather than chosen).
But,
Over the last few years we've all given a little less, and are more likely to give food rather than shrink-wrapped bar-coded merchandise. We've gradually all scaled back, quietly without any great debate. Someone took the first step (and it wasn't even me) and it has become a self-reinforcing thing.
May you be so fortunate. And maybe you're the one who quietly takes the first step.

[iris lilies]

We have this discussion annually on this website. Good for you, start the movement for change in your family!

You can't control what others do, you can only control your own actions. Talk to your relatives saying that you will be cutting back next year (and be specific what that means. I would suggest--no gifts at all for that large tribe you named.) Then stick to it. If they give you things and they will, thank them and be done with it. Don't ask for donations in your name. I would even say: don't ask for time and activities since many who are in the Gifitng frame of mind see that as much of an obligation as you may see buying presents. Don't ask for anything.

I have learned that the present buyers will buy things because that's what they know how to do, and apparently like to do. So be it. I don't need to reciprocate or participate.

Gift giving is fun when you are freed from the obligatory frenzie of buying carfuls of meaningless stuff. You will find yourself buying occasional things for people throughout the year when you see something that reminds you of them.

[Teacher Terry]

Years ago my hubby had a huge family & we were all young & it was getting way too expense to buy for everyone. We came up with the idea that we would draw names for the kids only & this worked really well. Some of the DIL's discussed this among ourselves before we pitched it to everyone & it was pleasantly received. We did keep buying for our parents but that was it as far as the adults go. However, frequently we would decide on one gift from 9 families (blended family) so that the parents got one big thing that they needed.

[Gardenarian]

You are not required to purchase gifts for anyone.
Nor does the entire family need to agree on a gift giving policy.
You are required to enjoy (or ignore) the holidays in whatever manner brings you the most happiness (the same rule also applies to the rest of life.)

[Teacher Terry]

I think that if you have a reasonably nice relationship with your family that it is worth a little negotiation & compromise to preserve it. Now if that is not the case then that is another story. Both sides of our families were awesome so it was well worth the effort!

[razz]

Some good advice given. Years ago, I approached DH's family who live far away from us about skipping the gift exchange as the postage was becoming so costly, they agreed immediately. Neither of us had great financial resources at the time. My stress level dropped dramatically.

We cut back on gifts for immediate family when they were in their 30's as we had no idea what size, colour or item was useful or appreciated. We visit and share a meal, watch DGS open his gifts and enjoy some fun time opening stockings and that is it. We do buy stuff for immediate family when they need it. Stress level is way down. I do celebrate each of the kids' birthdays though with gifts, cake and a visit.

[redfox]

You are not required to purchase gifts for anyone.
Nor does the entire family need to agree on a gift giving policy.
You are required to enjoy (or ignore) the holidays in whatever manner brings you the most happiness (the same rule also applies to the rest of life.)

YES!

[flowerseverywhere]

The person who gave us the hardest time about it has the least amount of money and doesn't like us anyway. Go figure

our grandkids get tons of other gifts from the other set of grandparents. They don't have time to want anything they are given so much. Their closets are stuffed with clothes and toy box overflowing with gifts from them. So DH made the grandsons trucks from wood, and I made the girls dresses with matching doll dresses. We spent little, had lots of fun making them, and the kids seem to like the small affair we have with them. When they go to the other grandparents at Christmas it is lots of elaborate meals, lots of gift giving, lots of drinking and lots of hubbub. I am happy with how we do it and it doesn't stress the kids more. To each his own.

[Simplemind]

Gardenarian +1. Cutting back to just Christmas socks brought us back to a simple and enjoyable holiday season. Now we go to events, have a big family get together that is not on the actual holiday (so we can each celebrate with our own in house family on the day) and have a cookie baking/board game day. Spending time with each other instead of hours shopping for each other has made everything merry and bright.