Good thing I paid attention to red flags

[Tradd]

You may recall the guy I dated briefly a few years back, who I refused to see anymore after he got extremely macho and was nasty about independent women. This is also the one who stalked me at public events.

Well, it's.a very good thing I paid attention to the red flags. He's been arrested on domestic battery charges. My friends who didn't take me seriously when the stalking was happening have apologized to me.

The guy, his wife, and small child.were at grocery.store. He was apparently extremely verbally abusive to her, as I had seen him do in my presence, before they were married. It was so bad either bystanders or store employees.called the police.By the time the police arrived, witnesses had seen this guy hit his wife and make threats about the baby. I'm told he was also verbally abusive towards to the police.officers, so charges relating to tthat were added.as well.

Friends told me this out of the blue.I'm not really surprised, given the previous behavior I.saw.

[Float On]

I'm so sorry there were no 'red flags' for the wife. Hopefully this will be the catalyst for her to get her and the child away from him.

[rodeosweetheart]

So glad you broke it off with this guy, Tradd--you were right all along and glad your friends have apologized for not taking this seriously.

SO glad you did not keep him around, as you knew he was an abuser way back.

[JaneV2.0]

Once you know the signs, those types are not hard to spot. Congratulations on dodging a bullet.

[Simpler at Fifty]

You are wise Tradd. I am sure the red flags were there for his wife too but she did not or could not pay attention. I wonder if she will stay with him.

[Tussiemussies]

Glad you did see the signs. Very sorry for the wife and also having an infant under those conditions...

[redfox]

I hope she gets support. It takes abused women an average of nine times leaving before she can build the support system and stamina to stay gone. And, the most lethal time for a woman is when she is leaving & has just left. The abuser escalates to regain control, and that is when most women die.

Tradd, is there support is your area?

[Tradd]

Yes, plenty. It's a very large population.center.

[goldensmom]

Glad you were smart (mature?) enough to see the flags. I dated a guy in college and was warned by others that he was abusive. I saw no evidence of his abusive behavior as he was super sweet to me and I really liked him. I terminated the relationship because he wanted me to quit college and get married. He said his wife would never work out of the home. I guess those were red flags but I didn't see them at the time. I was wise enough to see quitting college as a bad decision. These many years later........he married and guess what happened? He quit his job, his wife is working out of the home financially supporting the family and he is an abuser. Even if you don't see the flags, listen to those around you who may see more of the picture than you see.

[redfox]

Yes, plenty. It's a very large population.center.


Oh good. I hope she has a faith network for support, and family. These make all the difference.

[RosieTR]

Years ago I read the Gift of Fear and the author says exactly that. The nagging voice in the back of your head that logic tries to overrun? It's probably right. I haven't had an abusive relationship but have ignored other nagging feelings to my detriment. Even in cases not having to do with relationships, sometimes your subconscious knows a small detail that you can't articulate well at the time but that later makes sense.

[Tradd]

A side note: my experience with this guy was one of the catalysts for me getting involved in shooting. The last time I saw him somewhere, about 18 months ago, he was sort of hanging around me and a male friend. I saw him out of the corner of my eye, and began talking to my friend about having been out at the range recently. I'm pretty sure this guy heard me, as he skedaddled quickly.

[Teacher Terry]

The book the gift of fear is awesome-I also read it. I think it really helps to clarify that we don't want to be rude or unappreciative but not everyone deserves that courtesy. It would be great if everyone read that.

[boss mare]

Yes... The Red Flags..... I got involved with a man ... Seemed like the " Real Thing" Handsome ( think Mark Spitz in his prime) Very tidy... And had horses... That was a huge thing for me I had dated men who thought the horse where cool at first but quickly got tired of the time and money that it took to upkeep them .... There were Red Flags all over the place.... He was beyond frugal... More like cheap.... And very damaged due to his mothers choice to join a cult and his father's choice to ignore the abuse/ damage that was done to his kids and to just go along for the ride
So yes he had horses... but there is a big huge gap between a horseman and someone who has horses. He was cheap to the point of endangering his horses... most of our fights were over horse care
He never ever laid a hand on me. never raised his voice or called me names...But he managed to make me think I was crazy. Seeing the 1940's movie " Gas Light " in 1994 and some other events in 1995 gave me the guts to leave him
From then on... I pay real good attentions to Red Flags in all aspects in my life

[Tradd]

I've actually never read the Gift of Fear before, but I just bought the Kindle version. Thanks for the recommendation. Actually meshes quite well with some things my concealed carry class instructor mentioned.

[boss mare]

going to down load that one today one my Kindle too

too.
I've actually never read the Gift of Fear before, but I just bought the Kindle version. Thanks for the recommendation. Actually meshes quite well with some things my concealed carry class instructor mentioned.

[Tradd]

Odd update:

This guy showed up at my church for a Lenten service this week. He was by himself, none of the other relatives. He stayed towards the back of the church, somewhat hidden by a pillar, but I saw him come in. As we were setting up the potluck after, he began to approach me. Luckily, I didn't have to do a thing. A friend asked me if I'd gotten my concealed carry permit yet. I had just gotten it that day. When this guy heard my answer, I saw his eyes get big and he left. He had no way of knowing, but I was carrying concealed right then, as I do all the time, except for when I'm at work (I'm allowed to keep it locked up in my car).

I don't know what happened with this guy and the domestic violence charge. But I do have the means to protect myself if he tries anything and I will protect myself if necessary.

[jp1]

I terminated the relationship because he wanted me to quit college and get married. He said his wife would never work out of the home.

Back in the 50's or 60's it wouldn't have been a red flag for a woman to plan to stay home to raise the family while the husband supported them. Any woman in the last 35 years who had a man tell her this hopefully went running from him as fast as she can, in my opinion. Major control issue going on. This is a blindingly obvious red flag. I don't know how old you are, but so glad that you dodged this bullet.

[Lainey]

Good for you, Tradd. Hope that's the last you ever see of him.