Christmas Gift for Nephew...excited but tentative

[jennipurrr]

I haven't posted a lot here because I have been swamped with school and working on fixer upper that DH and I bought in August. Some of the long time posters may remember my DH's family...always a lot of dysfunction going on, nothing really changed on that front. We have been able to stay out of it for a while now.

Our nephew is super super bright (not just saying as proud aunt!) but no one in DHs family really cares about fostering him academically. He has been in 4 schools this semester due to instability (so sad) - nephew's mom oscillates between super high functioning and total non functioning, which is where she is now...DH's brother has gotten custody back, so hopefully that is somewhat settled now.

Long story short, DH feels like a summer he spent with his aunt an uncle got him on a different track than the rest of his family, so we've always encouraged nephew to come visit, etc, but due to all the custody issues he has never come for more than a day trip (we live 2 hours away).

We would like him to come visit for 4 days in the summer and participate in a fun (sneakily educational) program the local university puts on, and we thought it would be a good Christmas present. There are two different dates so we could be flexible w his schedule. MIL and DH's brother are all for it. I haven't communicated with nephew's mom in a while (no bad blood between us) but I was thinking about emailing her, although I just don't know with everything going on with her.

Please help me think this through...I can't help but think this may end poorly and I would hate for him to be disappointed.

[early morning]

jennipurrr, forgive me, I don't remember what your financial situation is or how much the program you're considering costs - but this little guy sounds like he could really use you in his corner. Is there any way to NOT make this a Christmas gift? Buy him a present, go ahead and set up a visit for one of the program dates available, and make it a "surprise" for his visit, an extra special just for him thing. Believe me, if things go south, he does not need to feel he missed out on a special visit AND his Christmas present. Everyone needs to learn how to handle disappointment but it seems likely he already has plenty of those experiences.

[Gardenarian]

Go ahead and email her, I'm sure you'll be very diplomatic about the whole thing. As a parent, I would be delighted if my sister emailed me: "We have so enjoyed X's visits that we were hoping that he could spend X week with us this summer. There is a neat summer camp going on nearby, so he won't be bored ;-)"
BUT - I don't know your family dynamics, and if this is liable to cause holiday craziness...well, you know best.

I agree with Early Morning that getting your nephew a small gift (bookstore gift card?) would be nice as well.

[jennipurrr]

Thanks for the replies! I read them over the holiday and then did not get back as we were finally moving.

We talked to BIL and decided we are going to plan on doing the day camp, but we didn't do it as his "present". I forgot I had already purchased a kit of gross movie makeup, how to make yucky looking monster makeup and blood, lol...he loved that.

We have not mentioned anything to nephew's mother. Over the holiday she was battling with on again/off again husband and creating a lot of turmoil for herself. As the situation stands right now she voluntarily gave up custody, we will see how that plays out over the next few months. She is one of those people who at times has so much going for her, but then her substance/mental health issues/personality disorder end up derailing everything.

[early morning]

The movie makeup kit sounds great - my own kids loved that sort of stuff! Let us know how the day camp works out. I work with kids -mainly boys- who are off-track, and I firmly believe, as your husband's experience points out, that spending time with caring adults who are in a stable relationship and environment can make all the difference in the world. Bless you all for wanting to provide that for your nephew. And having him with his father sounds like it will be a huge help - but boys especially often really struggle emotionally with being separated from their mothers, even when said mother is clearly toxic. Just what I've observed...YMMV

Oh - and congrats/good luck on your move! Hard work, moving!!