View Full Version : The person you marry should be someone who....
catherine
12-30-13, 3:52pm
As I just mentioned in another thread, DD just broke up for good with her BF of almost 5 years. They have been really on the brink since last April, so it was not totally unexpected for sure.
Over the past couple of months, she would talk about what she should do with me and with friends. One of the things she said her good friend's mother told her friend was that the person you marry should be someone you are proud of--someone you are proud to say, this is my husband.
I guess I get that, and that's not a bad criterion for sure. The converse of that is something I saw once on a TV show where an author (I think it was Malcolm Gladwell) stated that future divorce can be predicted in newlyweds by how much condescension towards the other that can be seen in body language.
So, I guess that's true that you should marry someone you're proud of, but it seems like too much of an external measurement--like, "Hey, everybody, look at my husband! Isn't he good-looking/rich/funny/nice," etc.
So what do you think? How would you complete the sentence, "The person you marry should be someone who..."
ETA: What I told my daughter years ago, when she was in college was "The person you marry should be someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated."
There's been something floating around on Facebook lately, a good blog post about how you marry for the other person, not yourself. You sure can't be selfish in marriage. If I find it again, I'll post it.
Simpler at Fifty
12-30-13, 4:41pm
When my niece asked me how I knew DH was the one for me I replied "when I did not have to ask myself if he was the one". My Sister used to tell me I would just know and I could never understand that until I 'just knew'.
"The person you marry should be someone who... you don't keep asking yourself if he/she is the right one"
Check out the Gottman Institute research on marriage.
Teacher Terry
12-30-13, 6:11pm
You would think I would be an expert on this after being married 3x's(LOL). But it took me until the 3rd time to get it right. However, I think being proud of the person you are with is a good element. I think another is someone that you can laugh with. I also like the comment about the person treating you well. Also I think the older you marry the more likely you are to have been fussier about your choice, know your self better and therefore pick a mate better overall. My oldest married for the first time at 36 & they are very happy.
I don't think the comment about being proud of your spouse necessarily means superficial things. You could be proud of them for how they deal with the world; how they handle adversity; how they look out for you (as you look out for them); how kind they are; how perceptive they are, etc., etc.
Also, (and I learned this the hard way), you don't want to marry someone because whoever they are (with, say, their profession), they make you feel more important yourself. You have to like yourself and feel you have worth before even marrying. They can complement you, but not define you.
catherine
12-30-13, 6:58pm
Also, (and I learned this the hard way), you don't want to marry someone because whoever they are (with, say, their profession), they make you feel more important yourself. You have to like yourself and feel you have worth before even marrying. They can complement you, but not define you.
Great point!
The person you marry should be someone who... you don't want to change in any way.
...doesn't want to change you.
...you never have to try to control.
...you are as comfortable being with as you are being alone.
iris lilies
12-30-13, 11:26pm
The person you marry should enrich your life as the two of you journey through it. That's the big picture.
The tiny point is that he should make you laugh.
iris lilies
12-30-13, 11:32pm
About being proud of your spouse: I AM proud of him because he can fix anything. People who I want to socialize with understand how great that is! People who have values I don't share may not care about that talent and that's ok because they mean nothing to me.
My cousin once made the observation that I could be married to Mick Jagger or a world reknown heart surgeon or Stephen Spielberg, but if my husband couldn't fix the screen door, I'd have no respect for him. haha, so true!
The person that I marry must be a friend first that we can freely talk about anything.
goldensmom
12-30-13, 11:57pm
When my niece asked me how I knew DH was the one for me I replied "when I did not have to ask myself if he was the one". My Sister used to tell me I would just know and I could never understand that until I 'just knew'.
"The person you marry should be someone who... you don't keep asking yourself if he/she is the right one"
I never overthought it because I got the same advice from my parents who married after knowing each other for 30 days and were married 56 years when my father died. When I married 30+ years ago the thought of 'is this the right person' never entered my mind because I 'just knew'. Probably if you have to disect the subject, he/she is not the 'right one'.
Teacher Terry
12-31-13, 2:55am
I adore men that can fix things & make me laugh.
catherine
12-31-13, 9:28am
I never overthought it because I got the same advice from my parents who married after knowing each other for 30 days and were married 56 years when my father died. When I married 30+ years ago the thought of 'is this the right person' never entered my mind because I 'just knew'. Probably if you have to disect the subject, he/she is not the 'right one'.
Yeah, I guess that's why DD and her DBF broke up. :(
Then there's her brother, DS35, who started dating future DDIL right after his break-up in April, committed themselves to each other in May, got pregnant in June, told his astonished family in July, and got married in August. I don't think there was a lot of over thinking there...
They are under my roof now while they save up money and take care of some debts before the baby is born, and from I can see, all is well in the relationship department.
This subject has prompted great insights. Thanks, Catherine!
DH and I have been together now for almost 40 years - met when we were 20 which sounds ridiculously young. I never really had a chance to "find myself" as young women do today so I guess we just sort of grew up together. Our bond has been mutual love and respect, shared ideals and common goals, a sense of humor and of course, having a child together. He is my best friend. The past year has been bumpy as we both seem to be in a mid-life funk and trying to reorient ourselves to a changing world. I jokingly asked if he thought we should divorce and he seemed very surprised and said "Of course not - all marriages have rough patches." There is something really special about spending your entire life with one mate. I love seeing really old married couples holding hands. It is a rare sight.
ToomuchStuff
12-31-13, 5:00pm
I had once talked to a pastor friend about "pride verses proud"; their perspective was pride, involved ego in attaching oneself to something or someone. (as in your "Hey, everybody, look at my husband! Isn't he good-looking/rich/funny/nice," and in a lot of cases, is because one isn't happy or knows oneself). If one eliminates the ego, knows them-self, and follows the Shakespeare quote of "To thine own self be true", then one could be happy, caring and content about and for a person (sense of pride).
That said, I never married. The gal I proposed to, told me her goal was to be a kept woman. Never met another woman that I didn't understand why I wouldn't want to spend my life with her.
catherine
12-31-13, 5:14pm
DH and I have been together now for almost 40 years - met when we were 20 which sounds ridiculously young. I never really had a chance to "find myself" as young women do today so I guess we just sort of grew up together. Our bond has been mutual love and respect, shared ideals and common goals, a sense of humor and of course, having a child together. He is my best friend. The past year has been bumpy as we both seem to be in a mid-life funk and trying to reorient ourselves to a changing world. I jokingly asked if he thought we should divorce and he seemed very surprised and said "Of course not - all marriages have rough patches." There is something really special about spending your entire life with one mate. I love seeing really old married couples holding hands. It is a rare sight.
I agree, pinkytoe. So well said. I remember talking with a younger colleague of mine and I told her how much I love every wrinkle on my DH's face, because each one represents a road we've traveled together.
I had a good friend's mom give me great advice. She said that the relationship should be really easy in the beginning, because stuff gets more difficult when you get older. If you're fighting when you're 22, that's a bad sign. Another piece of advice I picked up somewhere was that couples tend to have the same fights/disagreements across their whole relationship, so pick the person with whom you can stand the fights for life. I clearly remember thinking I didn't want to have the same fights with a then-boyfriend throughout my whole life.
So I would say the person you marry should be someone with whom the only thing "wrong", if anything, is something trivial. I remember telling a friend that the only thing wrong with DH when we were dating was that he was a dog person and I was a cat person. It turned out I just don't like ill-behaved dogs, and DH didn't know very well how to train dogs. We both learned how.
Teacher Terry
1-1-14, 2:44am
My first 2 bad marriages we were in sink politically but not in other areas. My DH & I dated for 2 years before we realized we were politically opposite but everything else was in sink. We have been together 16 years & never discuss politics. Every other area we are totally of like minds. I think being older ( mid 40's) when we met really helped since we were each secure in our lives/values. This relationship is mostly easy-my others were mostly hard.
I like Susan Piver's book "The Hard Questions" and have recommended it for family members and others on the brink of getting engaged:
http://susanpiver.com/works/the-hard-questions/
I adore men that can fix things & make me laugh.
DITTO!!!!!!!!!
I knew DH for two months when I moved from one state to another to be with him and in 3 months we were engaged. Engaged for one year, married 17 now and happy as can be. Considering what an overly cautious person I am in all areas of my life, it seems out of character for me.
We gloss over parts of the story for our teenagers because it sounds impetuous, but it wasn't, there just was no doubt whatsoever. That to me is how you know. I will point out however that I dated a lot of frogs before I met him. :)
I knew my husband casually for a few months (we worked in the same place) and got engaged 3 weeks after we "officially" started dating. He tells me he was going to ask me the first week, because he knew, but that he thought it would creep me out if he did.
Married 28 3/4 years, and still the light of my life.
I am so NOT a risk taker. Any spontaneity that people see only LOOKS that way- its usually been long in the planning. I'm measured, and have decision trees for everything. I even had a list of all the qualities I wanted in a husband that I wrote when I was 21. Hubby had almost none of the things on the those lists.
HA! Fate had a better plan for me.
The one good thing my mother told me was to watch how a man treats his mother, because that is how he'll treat you. My MIL is a serious piece of work, and my husband is kind and respectful. And he is with me as well - although I think I'm much easier to live with. LOL.
ToomuchStuff
1-1-14, 11:27pm
I adore men that can fix things & make me laugh.
Red Green is who came to mind from this;
If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
http://blogs.desmoinesregister.com/dmr/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Red-Green.jpg
Teacher Terry
1-2-14, 1:35am
Too funny!!!!!!!!!!
One of the things she said her good friend's mother told her friend was that the person you marry should be someone you are proud of--someone you are proud to say, this is my husband.
."
I was married for almost 20 years to a person I was very proud of. Not because of his good looks but because he was an honest, honorable, kind, loving person. I was proud of the way he lived his life with integrity and honor. Of his simple needs and wants in life and his humility. Of his courage and strong work ethic and drive - not for money or glory or to drive his ego, but to help others in a way that he both enjoyed and felt worthwhile. Of how he saw the best in people and, most importantly to me while we were married, that he not only accepted the way I was (not something most men seem to be able to do :-)) but was also extremely proud of me for ...well... just being me. How he encouragaged me to seek my own dreams in life. Of course those are the same things - each of us following our dreams - that eventually lead to us divorcing but it was a glorious 20 years!!
Red Green is who came to mind from this;
If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Ha ha - of course if you are a woman who can fix your own things and are handy then.....??? But then that stuff is always much funner to do together IMHO! Me back in ye olden days when I could actually fix stuff :-)!
http://www.simplelivingforum.net/attachment.php?attachmentid=1351&d=1388875666
[QUOTE=Spartana;165059]I was married for almost 20 years to a person I was very proud of. I was married for 22 years and I think its sad when people change and can't work it out. The best gift a person can give to another person is their time. Two people working together can accomplish anything. Loving someone for who they are and their values. You don't allways get loved back in return. I believe a wife should be a best friend, wants to do things together. Now at 55 I don't its necessary for 2 people to be married. Do you really need a piece of paper to love somebody? This is just my opinion its not like I will be starting a family now.
I was married for 22 years and I think its sad when people change and can't work it out. The best gift a person can give to another person is their time. Two people working together can accomplish anything. Loving someone for who they are and their values. You don't allways get loved back in return. I believe a wife should be a best friend, wants to do things together. Now at 55 I don't its necessary for 2 people to be married. Do you really need a piece of paper to love somebody? This is just my opinion its not like I will be starting a family now.Well we didn't actually change so much as stay the same. Each of us made many compromises and sacrifices over the years in the "other" important things we wanted in our lives (mainly career stuff as well as personal stuff) so that we could make a life together. But those endless compromises and sacrifices left us both unhappy and very unfulfilled in those "other areas" our lives even though we were very happy with each other. Some people can find complete fulfillment in a romantic relationship or don't need to make any compromises that effect or diminish the other aspects of their lives. Some can find compromises that leave them both fulfilled and happy in both their relationships as well as all the other aspects of their lives. Some people, like ex-dh and I, found that the compromises we needed to make in order to be together left us both very unsatisfied with some important aspects of our lives even if we had a wonderful relationship.
Sometimes I worry about my unmarried kids (that would be three out of four) because I may have unwittingly set up high expectations. DH and I have one of those romantic "how we fell in love" stories (across a crowded room, or in this case, a crowded night club) and I always love telling it, because it does speak to "you know it right away." All the fireworks and such.
But I don't think that has to be that way, or even SHOULD be that way, and I think my kids keep looking for that. Case in point, DS33 has known this girl for about 3-4 years now. She loves him, and we always heard about her through my other kids who live in VT. They think she's awesome--so I was so excited to meet her last summer. And she is awesome. She's kind, funny, so so interested in "you"--she talked my ear off, but really I did all the talking--she just kept asking questions about me. I was hoarse talking about me, and I was no closer to knowing more about her than I was at the beginning of the conversation, which is unusual because I'm usually the question-asker. She's smart and responsible, and to top of it off, very cute. And she loves my son.
When I asked him about her, and his feelings about her, he said something lame like, she has no strong ambition, she's happy with what she's doing now... which I thought was a huge plus, actually, but he feels she has more talent that she could put to good use. Anyway, what a lame excuse. And the only thing I could think of was maybe there were no fireworks when they first met. But so what?
Well, the good news is, it seems that they have deepened their relationship and while I want for my son whatever he thinks is best for him, I would be thrilled to have her as a daughter-in-law. But I really think that people overestimate the value of the fireworks. My best friend was being pursued by a guy who really had a rosy future in front of him. He wanted to marry her, and she said to her mother, "But I don't think I love him." Her mother said, "You'll learn to love him." Well, they've been married 35 years, so I guess the mom was right.
Sometimes I worry about my unmarried kids (that would be three out of four) because I may have unwittingly set up high expectations. DH and I have one of those romantic "how we fell in love" stories (across a crowded room, or in this case, a crowded night club) and I always love telling it, because it does speak to "you know it right away." All the fireworks and such.
But I don't think that has to be that way, or even SHOULD be that way, and I think my kids keep looking for that. Case in point, DS33 has known this girl for about 3-4 years now. She loves him, and we always heard about her through my other kids who live in VT. They think she's awesome--so I was so excited to meet her last summer. And she is awesome. She's kind, funny, so so interested in "you"--she talked my ear off, but really I did all the talking--she just kept asking questions about me. I was hoarse talking about me, and I was no closer to knowing more about her than I was at the beginning of the conversation, which is unusual because I'm usually the question-asker. She's smart and responsible, and to top of it off, very cute. And she loves my son.
When I asked him about her, and his feelings about her, he said something lame like, she has no strong ambition, she's happy with what she's doing now... which I thought was a huge plus, actually, but he feels she has more talent that she could put to good use. Anyway, what a lame excuse. And the only thing I could think of was maybe there were no fireworks when they first met. But so what?
Well, the good news is, it seems that they have deepened their relationship and while I want for my son whatever he thinks is best for him, I would be thrilled to have her as a daughter-in-law. But I really think that people overestimate the value of the fireworks. My best friend was being pursued by a guy who really had a rosy future in front of him. He wanted to marry her, and she said to her mother, "But I don't think I love him." Her mother said, "You'll learn to love him." Well, they've been married 35 years, so I guess the mom was right.
While I don't/didn't ever need bells and whistles to go off in order to fall in love (I always considered that lust or infatuation anyways, not love) I would absolutely have to be in love with someone in order to marry them or make a commitment to them. I can have many friends but only one romantic partner and I want to be attracted to him as well as desire him. And while I don't need to be all swooney and swept off my feet in lust, I do need to have a strong physical desire for them as well as all the other factors like friendship, compatibility, kindness, humor, etc... That is the only reason I would marry them - not because they will be a success or have a rosy future (not sure what that means but I assume it's something I can have for myself without a man) or because I "may" learn to love him. UGH. Nope...I'd have to be in love, would have to admire and respect and really really like him, and we'd have to be compatible in the things we want in life. His rosy future may mean my own life's desires may have to take a back seat to his plans and he may be very inflexible about his (and his partner's) future.
Personally I don't even think the longevity of a marriage is any indicator of love since many people stay together for many years for reasons that have nothing to do with love... they might not even like each other. Just as I don't consider a marriage that ended in divorce as a failed marriage. It might have been a spectacular success but other factors having nothing to do with the relationship made them decide to part ways. So I think your son is very wise to not marry a wonderful woman just because she is wonderful. Love and romance and desire for the one and only person in your life you make that kind of commitment too is just as important as them having all the other character traits that are important to a person. While some of that will fade with time, I know that if I were to be with someone I will want to hold their hand and stroke their hair and kiss their wrinkled old face and cuddle with them just as much 30 years from now as I would the day I met them. I probably wouldn't feel that way if I married someone I had no or little romantic interest in just because they were nice or good to me.
ETA: I also don't think your sons excuse to not marry the woman is lame either. Again I think it's wise of him to look at her wants and desires and ambitions and to see if they are compatible with his own. He already see's there are differences that could effect their lives together and they may not be compatible in the long run. So again, he seems like a thoughtful young man who is looking at the whole, long term picture rather of his/their lives rather than just her good qualities.
Simply Divine
1-4-14, 9:07pm
ETA: I also don't think your sons excuse to not marry the woman is lame either. Again I think it's wise of him to look at her wants and desires and ambitions and to see if they are compatible with his own. He already see's there are differences that could effect their lives together and they may not be compatible in the long run. So again, he seems like a thoughtful young man who is looking at the whole, long term picture rather of his/their lives rather than just her good qualities.
^ +1 I also want a man with ambition. He doesn't have to be rich, but he should be able to stand on his feet.
^ +1 I also want a man with ambition. He doesn't have to be rich, but he should be able to stand on his feet.
I think it all boils down to compatibility in many areas. Compatibility AND attraction :-)! I know that as a non-traditional female I wouldn't want to be with a guy who wanted a traditional spouse/SO no matter how romanticly attracted to him I was or how we got along in every other way. Or if a guy was so ambitious that he became a work-aholic and was overly involved with his job. Or if his rosy future meant that I end up having to give up so much of my own desires in order to be with him. So, for me, the type of life I would lead with someone, and both of our expectations as to how we want to live, is just as important as how much I loved him and was attracted to him. I have fallen in love with a guy or 2 since I was divorced but they would not be people that I would marry or commit too because their expectations of what a marriage/committed relationship should be are very different from my expectations.
My thoughts Catherine are that it is better to be unmarried than unhappily married. To finish the statement, my ideal partner- to whom I have been married 40 years- makes me laugh. He has other great qualities, but that is the one thing that is vital to me. If we couldn't laugh we might never have made it this far. I'm always happy that I am with him and he feels the same...pretty neat. I think of who I thought I wanted to marry...glad I didn't. I wasn't sure when I married this husband and it has just gotten better and better. It was never not good...but now it's even better. I'm a lucky woman for sure. I only wish every one could be so fortunate.
Spartana and nswef: I couldn't agree more. I would never be with a humorless man. Never. "Ambition" is a loaded word--someone who has a passion for whatever is one thing, status- or money-grubbing is another. I'm completely unimpressed--in fact, repulsed--by the latter. And always have been.
The remarks about humor are interesting because one of the key predictions on marital compatibility is if both laugh at the same types of things.
iris lilies
1-5-14, 5:18pm
Fireworks are easy, I was never fooled into thinking that Fireworks=Get Married. In my book Fireworks=Have Some Fun. But then, my orientation in young adulthood wasn't about getting married.
Later, in my mid-30's when I was debating whether or not to marry DH and was having a chat with my mother I said "well, sure, I love him, that's the easy part" and she agreed 'cause luuuurv is pretty easy. It's the rest of it that's is the slog. So my mom didn't have to tell me that I'd learn to love him, haha!
Fortunately, my marriage has not been a slog up hill. I now think that if it is (baring severe health problems) then you (the generic you) are married to the wrong person. Or perhaps you (generic) shouldn't be married at all.
Gardenarian
1-5-14, 7:15pm
My dd has said the only thing she wants in a husband is "he'd better be a good cook, because I like to eat."
Sh'e 14.
I still haven't figured out the answer to this question.
The remarks about humor are interesting because one of the key predictions on marital compatibility is if both laugh at the same types of things.
Yep! I won't even date a guy who doesn't find South Park, Family Guy or The Simpsons funny. Of course I realize that my very refined and sophisticated tastes in humor it may make it hard to find the perfect mate :-)!
Yep! I won't even date a guy who doesn't find South Park, Family Guy or The Simpsons funny. Of course I realize that my very refined and sophisticated tastes in humor it may make it hard to find the perfect mate :-)!
Don't forget American Dad.
Don't forget American Dad.DOH! :doh:
My new favorite is "Ax Cop". Very terrible and written by an adult man and his 5 year old son... and it shows! Reminds me of those very funny AT & T commercials with the kids.
Humor is a big key for DW and I. She is more narrowly focused than me, but I'm trying to help her develop an appreciation of raunch to round out her Woody Allen sensibilities. There's hope. I thought pop was going to foam out her nose when we watched "Bad Santa" together. Now that is sexy!
Spartana and nswef: I couldn't agree more. I would never be with a humorless man. Never. "Ambition" is a loaded word--someone who has a passion for whatever is one thing, status- or money-grubbing is another. I'm completely unimpressed--in fact, repulsed--by the latter. And always have been.The good thing about an unambitious man or woman is that they generally work their 8 hours and then feel it's fine to shut out work and go play! They also seem to be more willing to give up their job in order to move or retire or do something else that their partner want to do because they'll put the relationship above the job. I think traditionally men have been able to be ambitious and still have a regular marriage/relationship because women generally were more willing to keep the home fires burning and/or follow them to the ends of the earth at the expense of their own jobs. That has changed a lot in the past 30 or so years as women develop non-traditional careers and hobbies (climbing Everest for example or playing sports far from home) and now each person has to make big compromises or spend lots of time apart to have a relationship. Think of Gabby Gifford and her astronaut hubby. She was off in Washington and he off in space (hot air verse no air environments :-)!). So those who are ambitious - even if it's not for money or status - it can be challenging to try to find a mate who both accepts you and is willing to make those kind of sacrifices to the relationship so they can be ambitious. I know I generally don't want an overly ambitious guy in my life now as I am in "play" mode and want someone who would want to share that with me. Last serious relationship was with a guy who, while not ambitious or work-driven, was definetly not going to retire until he was 65 - not for 20 more years!. No way I could hack being tied down by "his" job that long if we stayed together, and he wasn't too fond of me taking off alone for long periods of time either. So while he was a wonderful person and we had a lot in common and we were very attracted to one another, that just wasn't enough for me. Of course back in my working days it was sort of the same problem but for different reasons - trying to be with someone who could handle my job and it's long absences and constant moves. Sigh... guess I will continue to remain happily single :-)!
DH is a very funny fellow with that dry British humor. My kids have inherited that same humor, and I find my family to be a riot.
We both share what we find funny--and that's pretty eclectic. I love slapstick, British humor a la Benny Hill and Monty Python. I LOVE political humor and satire (DH is not quite as much into that as I am).
DH and I can only watch movies like Noises Off and The In-Laws if we feel our hearts are in good shape because we just roll on the floor gasping for air every time.
I have to say, I don't mind Raunch Lite, with mild double-entendres, but I really don't find gratuitous off-color humor laced with profanity to be funny at all.
DH is a very funny fellow with that dry British humor. My kids have inherited that same humor, and I find my family to be a riot.
We both share what we find funny--and that's pretty eclectic. I love slapstick, British humor a la Benny Hill and Monty Python. I LOVE political humor and satire (DH is not quite as much into that as I am).
DH and I can only watch movies like Noises Off and The In-Laws if we feel our hearts are in good shape because we just roll on the floor gasping for air every time.
I have to say, I don't mind Raunch Lite, with mild double-entendres, but I really don't find gratuitous off-color humor laced with profanity to be funny at all.I actually like almost all humor - especially that dry British wit. DH and I use to love both the raunchy stuff (as long as it's satirical and ridiculous) as well as old shows with subtle humor like "Are You Being Served". The only kind of humor I don't like is pie-in-the-face and trips-over-the-couch slap-stick. Or direct-insult type of comedy you often see stand-up comics do.
Simply Divine
1-8-14, 2:54pm
The remarks about humor are interesting because one of the key predictions on marital compatibility is if both laugh at the same types of things.
That's interesting. I know a guy at work who is very sweet, and we both laugh at the the same type of things. He has skills in cartooning and creative writing. His dream job is to become a puppeteer. He makes his own puppets and goes to bookstores where he entertains the children. He does his for free because that is his passion.
ApatheticNoMore
1-8-14, 4:12pm
I interpret "ambitious" as: I'll be working all the time and won't actually have any time for you. Well ok, but then what's the point?
I interpret "ambitious" as: I'll be working all the time and won't actually have any time for you. Well ok, but then what's the point?
I think there's a continuum for ambition, just like anything that can be a positive or a negative depending on how the pendulum swings. Also, couples have to be compatible with regard to expectations. Also, for me it would depend on what the ambition was--is a person ambitious towards positive, noble goals? Or just for a big bank account? I could accept ambition in the former, but not in the latter. On the other hand, would I be happy living in a substandard situation because my husband had NO ambition to meet a certain standard of living? Nope.
I believe my kids see me as ambitious because I'm goal oriented and I tend to do what it takes to accomplish what needs to be done. And that meant traveling a lot for several of their growing up years. But I'm not "ambitious" in the sense of killer career woman at all. I gave up a career to raise my kids and re-entered the work force at age 41.
Plus, I also wouldn't want to be married to someone who ONLY has time for me. I respect the other's needs to live out their calling and their potential. Please, let there be spaces in our togetherness!!!
Simply Divine
1-8-14, 6:13pm
I think there's a continuum for ambition, just like anything that can be a positive or a negative depending on how the pendulum swings. Also, couples have to be compatible with regard to expectations. Also, for me it would depend on what the ambition was--is a person ambitious towards positive, noble goals? Or just for a big bank account? I could accept ambition in the former, but not in the latter. On the other hand, would I be happy living in a substandard situation because my husband had NO ambition to meet a certain standard of living? Nope.
This is also how I personally define ambition. I mentioned the puppeteer in this thread -- he's not motivated to make a lot of money. He *is* motivated to get a job on Sesame Street. That's a lot of ambition, and frankly, I find people motivated to make their dream come true as pretty hot.
This is also how I personally define ambition. I mentioned the puppeteer in this thread -- he's not motivated to make a lot of money. He *is* motivated to get a job on Sesame Street. That's a lot of ambition, and frankly, I find people motivated to make their dream come true as pretty hot.
+1
(And I always thought Jim Henson was hot!)
Simply Divine
1-8-14, 6:33pm
+1
(And I always thought Jim Henson was hot!)
Ooh, yes!
http://www.bleedingcool.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/young_jim-300x230.jpg
The only kind of humor I don't like is pie-in-the-face and trips-over-the-couch slap-stick. Or direct-insult type of comedy you often see stand-up comics do.
That is us as well. Unfortunately DW's side of the family LOVES that stuff. Lots of lip biting goes on to maintain peace in the family.
That is us as well. Unfortunately DW's side of the family LOVES that stuff. Lots of lip biting goes on to maintain peace in the family.Yeah I love the sort of gentle ribbing of someone in a humorous way but when it become out right insults masked as jokes it makes me cringe. Having worked with some very salty guys almost exclusively most of my life I'm pretty immune but wouldn't take that kind of ribald humor home to the family dinner table that's for sure.
Yeah, meanness--and its correlate, narrow-mindedness--would be a deal-breaker too. When I cited humor as being crucial, I wasn't so much referring to liking certain types of entertainment as being able to laugh and make jokes and play together as a matter of course every day.
Parenthetically, I used to work with a couple of guys who reminded me of an unhappily married couple. I worked (blissfully alone) on the overnight shift and these two would come in an hour before my shift was over and start in on each other. I think they thought they were engaging in pithy banter, but by the time I left I was so twanged out my teeth were on edge. They even tried to pull me in--a kind of menage-a-trois with nunchucks. Aack! There was a reason I worked nights.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.