View Full Version : How long to feel at home?
rodeosweetheart
1-19-14, 4:26pm
For those of you who are empty nesters and have made a move to a different part of the country, how long has it taken you to feel at home?
We moved in october to Michigan from South Carolina to be closer to grown kids. We picked a beautiful area, very happening (shows up in NY Times travel section a lot, etc.) While yes, we are somewhat closer to the kids, this move is not feeling very good to me, probably because of a massive case of Seasonal AFfective Disorder and constant, daily, endless, snow. We live on the dream farmette that everyone talks about wanting, and all I can think about is why didn't I move to a bungalow in Savannah when I had the chance. My husband does not do well in the south and spent May-October depressed due to heat and bugs. Up here, I am the same way due to snow, snow, darkness, and more snow. It is gorgeous here in the summer, and we live near a wonderful town that is a great size, with many nice things to do. But come November 1, it turned into Siberia.
With this endless cold and snow I feel almost disassociated. It is horrible. It does not help that we work at home, do not meet people, find the neighbors culturally very foreign (lots of noisy snowmobiling, fast driving, and a general yah hey approach to life.) I loved South Carolina because I got it there--my reactions seemed to be like those of other peoples, things made sense. Up here, folks are not talkative, seem taciturn and unsmiling, and almost, well, rude.
I am sitting in front of my light unit right now and also taking St. John's wort. I am trying.
How long, if ever, did it take for you to feel at home? I am really regretting coming here, I gotta say. I am looking for jobs down south and in the sun. It almost feels like I am having to choose between a husband and a pleasant place to live.
It usually takes 3 years for my new house to truly feel like my home.
When we moved to MN from AZ at the end of September nearly 10 years ago, it was very difficult. I didn't know anyone; I had a very needy toddler and had to do all of the move and unpacking by myself as my DH was beginning a new job; we left wonderful neighbors and found that our new neighbors were largely from a different generation, different political orientation, and generally didn't care that we were here because they'd lived here forever and didn't need any more acquaintances.
Far northern winters can be really rough, and here in MN this has been a particularly cold and snowy one - so maybe that's the case for MI this year, too. If so, take heart, because maybe future winters will be better. Here's what works for me in winter in general:
- lots of warm clothes. Don't feel cold. If it comes to it just turn up the thermostat. It's miserable to be always cold.
- vitamin D. Wow, was I ever deficient when I was tested. I really feel my mood perk up when I take it in winter (after a few days). I take 2000IU/day in winter and 1000 IU/day in summer.
- get outside when it's reasonably "warm" and sunny.
- light therapy lamps. I find this makes it easier to get up on cloudy winter mornings when it's even darker than it would normally be (and I'm a complete morning person, too). Right on the nightstand so when the alarm goes off, I turn it on.
- have a winter project. Something that you can do instead of getting cabin fever. Something that requires you to stay in your cozy house. Some of my winter projects include photo albums (one year I organized 80 years of photos from my grandmother), cleaning out file cabinets, decluttering the house, writing, learning new skills, etc.
Most importantly, make new friends. Find your peer network and create some social events. It's hard when you first move - it took me several months to find a group of moms and since then I've been thankful for them every single day.
rodeosweetheart
1-19-14, 5:38pm
Rosemary, thank you for a wonderful, thoughtful reply--I feel better just to know someone else has been through it, and your ideas are SO HELPFUL--you are right about being cold. Just turned up the thermostat. Have started taking Vit D but I am not taking enough, and I was tested as deficient before we moved to SC, too, where it was not a problem as outside in sun year round. I did get a lamp and started with it 2 days ago, but I really like your project idea--that is brilliant. Maybe start with family photos and put in albums. . .
And yeah, they are saying this is worst winter since 1931, way more snow than usual, and much colder.. .
We moved from Alaska to Indiana to NC to Indiana. For friends, try to get into interest groups. Library, craft, etc. Take classes. I am into quilting and joined to guilds and then smaller groups. Hubby started volunteering at Habitat for Humanity and found a great group of guys.
Try to establish somewhere in the house you can sit in front of a window that is on the south side. I find the light and sun is much better. Even when there is little, seeing something outside fufills some needs. I dont even have a curtain on this window over my desk.
Try to join a gym for exercise. Being with others in a warm place doing physical things (even yoga classes) is great in the winter. Warms the core and a way to be with people and be doing something. We are lucky and found a class for older members where everyone gets to know each other and we have even gone out for lunch as a group.
Sometimes it takes time and work and I have found that the first 6 months are the hardest. This is when you learn where things are and how things work.
new2oregon
1-19-14, 6:02pm
Rodeosweetheart, When I first moved to Oregon I felt at home here because it a slower pace of life. I hard a hard time this winter because it gets icy and didn't want to venture out and get stuck on the other side of a mountain pass. Also the only one I really know here is my daughter who is going to school. Its hard to meet people in a small town. You might need to be in a place that is warm in the winter. Some people do better spending winter in Florida and then going back home. The weather is getting better and I am getting out to enjoy it. Hope it works out for you. Oregon has rodeos and I have never been so that will be new to me to check out this summer.
rodeosweetheart,
if you both work at home, is it possible for you to be snowbirds and live in MI for 6 months and then down south in a warmer climate for 6 months?
My job doesn't afford that opportunity but I'd do it if I could avoid the AZ summer heat.
rodeosweetheart
1-19-14, 6:21pm
Sweetana, the groups idea is really good. I should try to find the money to join a gym--honestly, the biggest problem is the constant snow and fear of the roads, which are awful--they don't seem to believe in salt, and they plow much less frequently than they did in Chicago--I have seen spin outs, crashes, and Ive gotten kind of phobic about it. I know you are right, but I am terrified to drive the roads to get to the town with a gym. When we lived in Chicago, there would be snow like this every couple of weeks, but here it is constant, every day. It's about 25 minutes to get anywhere, so that has been my biggest impediment. I had also wanted to do dog training with my dog, meet some dog people here and work with her, and then she died when we had lived here about 6 weeks. So that was out, and I think that is really disorienting me, too. I'm also in a job where I work excessive hours at home, and now they are monitoring our computers to see exactly what we are doing, and increasing workload, etc. That is a big strain right now. I'm just not coping very well. Sorry to be so whiny.
New2oregon, I'm glad you feel at home because of the pace of life; I think that is important, and SC definitely a slower pace than Michigan. I have the same issues with winter driving. I am thinking maybe I am being two binary, maybe I need to rent something in Sc the worst 4 months of the year here or something. I am glad the weather is getting better where you are. It will be months here, and I just can't seem to take it anymore. I have a son in Oregon, and the weather is much milder there, although I know parts of ORegon get pretty cold, too, right?
This is interesting to me because we are still in the planning stages of possibly moving to Colorado or New Mexico from Central Texas. Today, it is 72 and sunny here. Everyone is outside enjoying it. However, I know that come August and September we will be beyond miserable in the heat. I think anytime one moves to an entirely different region, that it must take at least 2-3 years to grow accustomed to things.
We moved from rural Ohio to phoenix 4 yrs ago. We had lived in south Carolina for a year and in Wyoming for 4 years earlier in our marriage. It was harder at age 50 to move. But after 2 years we had a network of friends. We moved to downtown after the first year, after we got to know the area. Thats when friends were found. We had to find our subculture ... what fit us best.
Just wanted you to know that there are others who have gone through this experience.
When my parents made a major move with my siblings when I was 10, I never felt at 'home' in the new place as I expected to leave in a few years once I got older. I developed the "nomad" mentality - I am going to move and it will be better.
Unbeknownst to me, DH had a similar experience. It took about 18 years of being in our current place before we realized that we were 'at home'. Be careful of the 'nomad' mindset.
Usually neighbours will be cautious until they get a sense of who you are - nosy, borrower, messy, kind, interesting, goo cook ... That may take about 2-3 years before it is all sorted out and you know them in the same way.
What worked for me was following my interests. I walked the dog along the local roads and met and talked to all the neighbours winter and summer. I joined a horticultural society and volunteered to help in a small job. I joined the local artists' group. I did things by myself and mentioned in general conversation what I was doing and gradually others joined me in going to the Metopera HD productions, the local Little Theatre productions or local movies. I have different groups that circulate books, jigsaw puzzles, etc. It started with just one person each time and grew. Your DH will have a different experience so don't keep waiting for something that both can do together.
Different couples have worked out a mid-winter vacation for the partner that experiences SAD. Just plan it and go without guilt if you possibly can do this.
Hope that helps.
I also have gone to local greenhouses for my vitality fix when needed. If it is a commercial greenhouse, I make a point of buying their products in the growing season so they get to know me.
I have lived in 5 different states and it has taken different amounts of time to feel at home. Part of that was how quickly or not I found friends that I really enjoyed. It can take up to a year or 2 to feel at home. Rural areas often can not afford to use salt so use sand which does not work as well. It can be so lonely at first. This is one reason when my hubby got laid-off that he took an early retirement and a P.T. job instead of us moving for a job. I just did not want to move again.
We uprooted from a home of almost 20 years just a few years back to relocate to the state where we're both from and where we still have lots of family. It was a soft landing because of the social network we had in place, but hasn't been all roses. Turns out most of the network was mine. DW has some lifelong friends here that are wonderful, but she is still struggling to find her niche. That is somewhat backwards from what our personalities would indicate, btw. Its a work in progress after ~4 years and may still not work out completely.
I think this is a good cautionary tale (not that anyone listens). Beware the suburban drive to get or do anything with anyone if you have issues with driving for any reason.
That is why walkability is #1 on our list when considering new living arrangements. We have good snow tires and drive defensively but I am staying home during this latest plague of bad snow days. Thankfully, if I am desperate, my whole area downtown including the library and grocery are within walking distance.
rodeosweetheart
1-20-14, 11:36am
I am really appreciating the thoughtful responses. Yes, Lainey, we work from home, which is why we could do this but also part of the problem--hard to be social and make connections when you are working at home 12 hours a day.
Sweetana, yeah, somewhat of a cautionary tale, but it was either make this move or get a divorce and go for walkability. Still not sure I made the right choice, am trying to work with the situation. I am definitely at my happiest when I can bike eveyrwhere, as I did first time we lived in SC. This house, believe it or not, is a compromise, but I think the driving is definitely the big problem for me. The weather has me down--when it is summer and drivable, I will be able to get out and make friend,s just don't feel ready to commit to area, i guess. And miss the sunshine.
I think once you experience the spring/summer/and another Fall there, you will probably tolerate the winter better.
Try not to be discouraged. It will get better! I think alot of us in the midwest (and elsewhere) are experiencing the blahs/cabin fever/sadness this winter......even when we've lived here for 40+ years. Hang in there!
(And take that Vitamin D!!)
rodeosweetheart
1-20-14, 11:50am
I have lived in 5 different states and it has taken different amounts of time to feel at home. Part of that was how quickly or not I found friends that I really enjoyed. It can take up to a year or 2 to feel at home. Rural areas often can not afford to use salt so use sand which does not work as well. It can be so lonely at first. This is one reason when my hubby got laid-off that he took an early retirement and a P.T. job instead of us moving for a job. I just did not want to move again.
Terry, 1-2 years sounds like my experience, too.
Gregg, that is really interesting about going back where you started--part of me wants to return to Chicago area where I raised the kids, where DH as family, and where one son is living now. But it is EXPENSIVE!
Miss Cellane
1-20-14, 12:12pm
Growing up in a military family, the longest I lived any place was three years. One to two years was more like it. Now I live in New England, which has a similar climate--at least as far as short days and lots of snow. I think you may be dealing with colder temperatures, though. And as an adult, I keep moving around as well. So I'm used to dealing with new places and new people.
To address some of your specific issues:
The Cold: Turn the heat up. Get good long underwear. I wear silk knit longjohns around the house--not fancy lingerie, but stuff designed to keep you warm. Outdoors, I wear Smartwool longjohns--silk is not so good if you are moving around and sweating. Get a good, warm throw to keep you warm when you are sitting still--I have a down throw that cost $19.99 and is fantastically warm.
The Dark: The light unit is good. But also try to get outdoors for 10-15 minutes a day, even on cloudy days. Add more light to the house with brighter light bulbs. Experiment with light bulbs that cast different colors of light to see if there is one that makes you feel better. Just turn on the lights more.
The Driving. When I was learning to drive, in the days before anti-lock brakes, my dad took me to empty parking lots that had been plowed, but still had some snow around the edges and patches of ice. He made me skid out, so that I could learn to control the car. I think what you need is some practice driving in the snow.
First, look at your car and do everything to make it safe to drive in the snow. Get good snow tires if you don't have them. Put some sand or kitty litter in the car--both for the added weight, which can help in some situation, and to use for traction if your car gets stuck. Check out the DMV website for your state, which should have good information for your area. Then find a place where you can safely practice driving. A lot of the accidents you see are more the result of people not driving in a manner appropriate for the weather, or some fool who thought that 4 wheel drive meant he didn't have to slow down in the snow.
The key rules to driving in snow are 1) Slow down. 2) Leave extra room between your car and the one in front of you. 3) Start braking early, so you can do it slowly and gradually.
Check around at local driving schools to see if they offer a class on how to drive in the snow. If they don't, ask if an instructor can take you out for a few one-hour sessions, to give you tips and suggestions on how to drive in snow.
Because I think if you can learn to do this, you will be able to deal with the isolation much better, because you will be able to get out and go to town more often. I'm not saying that you should get out there and go to town during a blizzard, but gaining confidence in driving in the snow will open up opportunities for you.
And if you are really feeling isolated, what about getting a snowmobile and learning to drive it? You may not be able to bike places in the winter, but a snowmobile could allow you to visit neighbors, get to the nearest store for bread and milk, etc.
Or snowshoes. Which are also good exercise.
Friends. You may not find a ton of new friends where you are, but you should be able to find a few. You say that there are interesting things going on in town. You will probably find the non-snowmobiling crowd at the events that interest you. I have found that I tend to make a lot of acquaintances, perfectly lovely people with whom I enjoy doing things, and one or two close friends, with whom I can sip tea and talk about the meaning of life.
That's advice for the short term.
Long term, I'd look at getting a 4 wheel drive vehicle, if you don't already have one. Also consider moving in-town. The driving and the distance from town seem to be two big factors in your current situation, and there probably is no quick fix for them.
I live in a small New England city. Within a mile's walk are the post office, town hall, the library, a really good bakery, my church, and a couple of drug stores and restaurants as well as random small businesses. No supermarket, as they are all on the outskirts of town, but the drug stores and a small market carry enough food that I could survive if I had to for a few days. My street is right off Main Street, yet if you drive a mile and a half away from the center of town on it, you hit a farm. I don't know if where you live has any areas like this, but if you really don't like where you are living, moving to a more congenial location might be worth a trial, before moving out of the area altogether.
I think all these issues are solvable. The problem is that they all hit you at the same time, and you are also dealing with stress from your job. That's a lot to handle. I'd pick one issue, any issue, and work on that. Then move on to the next. Chip away at the mountain bit by bit.
rodeosweetheart
1-20-14, 12:14pm
CAthy, thank you, your encouragement means a lot. Will go take my vit D. Can I add that your gorgeous nature photography is one of those things that encouraged us to make the move back to a farm--you have an extraordinary gift and I really cherish those photos, you are inspiring me to try, too.
rodeosweetheart
1-20-14, 12:25pm
"I think all these issues are solvable. The problem is that they all hit you at the same time, and you are also dealing with stress from your job. That's a lot to handle. I'd pick one issue, any issue, and work on that. Then move on to the next. Chip away at the mountain bit by bit.
Miss Cellane, thank you for the wonderful, thoughtful, and detailed advice. I think my favorite idea is getting the snow-driving lessons.
I used to drive in Chicago in the snow without this kind of anxiety. I am definitely out of practice, I guess. We also spun out coming back from Wisconsin once and ended up in a ditch, and that definitely was a bit traumatizing. 4- wheel drive would make a huge differnce--I always had 4 wheel drive cars in Illinois for just this reason, plus good snow tires.
Thank you rodeosweetheart! There will be so many beautiful things that will be available to you when things start growing again. But winter is also beautiful.......so keep your eyes open for that beauty too.
I feel your pain Rodeosweetheart. I too am living in an area of the country I dislike quit a bit - coastal Southern Calif. I have lived here off and on for years starting when my Parents moved here when I was 14, but have never liked it or adjusted to it - especially after living in other area of the country that I liked much better. I think that for some people, that adjustment never comes and you just find a way to tolerate the bad times. You tolerate it in order to enjoy both the nicer weather times, as well as to compromise with your DH - who may have never adjusted to the S.Carolina summers (which I would never have adjusted to either). For the most part I can tolerate it in the winter here when it's cooler (although it's been in the mid-80's and dry and windy this past week or 2) and there are less people around. But come summer and fall (the really hot dry season) and I am a basket case. However I a 90 minute drive from the MUCH cooler mountains so can easily go there if I wan to get relief from the heat and smog. I am also retired so can travel during the hot months to someplace cooler and that does help a lot. Plus I am in the position to move without having to make any compromises either. But if you aren't in a position to do that then you may just have to force yourself to tolerate it there. Try to find the positive things you can about the area in winter (even if it's just being able to stay harmonious with a DH who would swelter in S. Carolina and being able to stay in your relationship and cozy up to the fireplace together on a cold winter night) and see if those trade-offs are worth it. They probably are if you are happy with everything else in your life/relationship. And your winter has been extra brutal this year - what with the Polar Vortex and now the Polar Plunge - so next year may be a whole different story. Hang in there - Spring is on it's way!!
I feel for you. I don't care for winter (or summer). My perfect arrangement would be Michigan in the summer and FL in the winter. It was funny when we did art shows we ran into so many of the same customers in Michigan (St Joe) and Florida (Naples).
Working at home...you just have to start creating community on your own. Make a goal of inviting people over for dinner. (My goal is once a month with the idea that we'll start a supper club). Does your library offer any classes or groups? What about vo-tech through the school district? Ours offers all sorts of night adult classes - basketweaving, sewing, fly fishing, photography, etc.) I've really found that people don't just come to me....I have to get out there to meet people that I like.
Maybe create some time where you can take a personal retreat and hop a plane to Savannah (we'll be there in March ourselves) by yourself - go get recharged and then you can face another month or so of winter. There is nothing that says we can't vacation on our own or that we have to be with our spouses 100% of the time (sometimes distance does make the heart fonder).
My husband is from SC and we've considered moving there several times. I love how warm it is in February...but not sure I'd enjoy the July/August heat of the South East.
Also try www.meetup.com to find people and activities of all sorts in your area. It's not a singles thing but just a way for people to meet new people who have shared interests. Don't know if there is anything in your area if you are very rural, but worth checking out. For instance I live in a suburban area with a high population and I just checked for meet ups in my area and there were over 3,000 groups within 5 miles of my city that had every activitiy or interest you could think of. You can even start your own if you have a specific interest - say a meet up for ex-pat South Carolinians or Georgians. Also, if you are close to a town or city you might want to look at community recreation classes thru the city. They have everything from sports and recreation to hobby-type things like crafts and art, foreign languages, computer classes, cooking ,etc... Good way to meet people and have fun or learn a new skill.
Oh I hear you rodeosweetheart. I have moved/ way to many times since 1980. I am currently commuting between TN and MI. For me and just me, the time is ONE year. At one year things changed where I left, I know where to shop in my new area, where to walk/bike/run/go out to eat and such. Given the choice every single time 28, I would have gone back in the beginning. As easier said then done and I need to take my own advice today, Join /go out/ get involved/read town going ons, seems to be the way I am able to settle in. Today I have to return to MI every week from TN to check on folks. I will never settle in TN while this is going on, while my home is still in MI.
On a side note, I see the foot of snow on the ground and felt weirdly happy to feel at home. It is not endless, spring comes to MI and you forget the snow till next winter ;) Adding, see my Detroit Bile picture, ah Michigan. There you go I just got to TN yesterday, ugg.
rodeosweetheart
1-22-14, 1:50pm
Thank you, all, these are such good ideas. I am reading them and then kind of watching my reaction, a I think part of the problem is now coming clear, that mabye I don't want to adjust to the winter here, and maybe I should put my energy into a bifurcated living plan, with two very cheap houses (have one up here already) in different parts of the country.
Just put 550 into the propane tank, 6 weeks after the same amount. We locked in a dollar cheaper than it is available now, thank God, or would be out 500 dollars more already. Not sure yet whether I care to learn to drive up here, or whether I want to flee instead, lol.
Meet up is a great idea, Spartana, and St. Joes/Naples sounds good, as do TC and SC. CTG, you split your time between two places--I instinctively shy away from that because it is complicated, but honestly, this winter is destroying me. Will have to ponder some more.
And unfortunatley, spring really isn't coming--it's apparently at least 3 months away, from what folks say here.
I've toyed with the idea of buying two condos and splitting my time between here and Portland. My heart is here, but friends and family are in Oregon, and we're all getting older. I can't think of an area in or near Portland that excites me; in fact the whole idea of leaving here is depressing--somewhat more so than having no social life. So I completely understand dilemmas like this.
Thank you, all, these are such good ideas. I am reading them and then kind of watching my reaction, a I think part of the problem is now coming clear, that mabye I don't want to adjust to the winter here, and maybe I should put my energy into a bifurcated living plan, with two very cheap houses (have one up here already) in different parts of the country.
Just put 550 into the propane tank, 6 weeks after the same amount. We locked in a dollar cheaper than it is available now, thank God, or would be out 500 dollars more already. Not sure yet whether I care to learn to drive up here, or whether I want to flee instead, lol.
Meet up is a great idea, Spartana, and St. Joes/Naples sounds good, as do TC and SC. CTG, you split your time between two places--I instinctively shy away from that because it is complicated, but honestly, this winter is destroying me. Will have to ponder some more.
And unfortunatley, spring really isn't coming--it's apparently at least 3 months away, from what folks say here.You could look into just renting a vacation house down south somewhere for a few months. Lots of very inexpensive places if you get them by the month or for multiple months. They are fully furnished, generally include all utilities, yard care, etc... Just pack a bag and you're all set! And you can try out different areas each winter. Much better and cheaper then actually owning second home imho. You can check out long term rentals on such places like www.homeaway.com, www.vrbo.com, Craigslist, or a local realtor (my favorite option).
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I have a childhood friend that lives in Michigan now and she swears that people are very unfriendly there.... she has had a very hard time adjusting too. However, she does like the cold weather and enjoys participating in the winter sports there like cross country skiing, etc.
And I'm very sorry you lost your dog! What a heartbreaking event so soon after such a major move. I don't know if you feel ready or not, but maybe adopting or fostering another dog would be a good thing for you....might really perk you up. A dog always makes it feel like home. Just a thought...
rodeosweetheart
1-23-14, 8:48am
maybe adopting or fostering another dog would be a good thing for you....might really perk you up. A dog always makes it feel like home. Just a thought...
Maybe so! WE're probably ready--maybe in another couple of months--I have started looking, but pretty half heartedly, I figure when the time is right, it will feel right, you know.
Spartana, you right on the renting and thank youfor the homeaway link. I think furnished, no worry about maintaining place in absence, would be a good place to start. My mom is trying to get me to buy something, probably so that she can come live there too if she lives longer than my dad. She is not going to be able to live alone and she wants to be further south; she would happily share the cost of buying something, I just feel confused about the whole thing, and it gets complicated. My husband is pulling in the northern direction, my children are pulling in the Midwst diredtion, mymother is pulling in the southern direction, and she really is going to need help, and I hate to miss whatever years she has left--I cherish her company.
If it were just up to me, I realize I would just go back to SC because the year round gardening is wonderful. To heck with it--the kids could get on a plane, or I could. They are so focused on their own lives, we will never have that wonderful proximity and closeness we had when they were young, and living in the same town (for a while we lived in same town, they came to dinner Sunday, I could drop in a couple of times a week if I wanted to say hi.) Now they all live in different parts of the country, and one couple is particularly hellbent on leaving the Midwest, anyway, to go to New England. So why move back to Chicago to be near them?
This place is gorgeous in the summer and fall. I don't think they get a spring, from what I am hearing.
There really is no problem here except the weather. IT makes getting to anything kind of impossible, and I am afraid to be outside much, as I have severe asthma that is triggered by cold air. So if I go out at night to try to do something to be around people, I usually end up paying for it with an asthma attack. So this was an experiment, but my husband seems to think it is permanent, and not an experiment. I told him last night, no one is asking you to give up this place, you can have it, it's yours. (There goes my retirement account.) I just don't think I want to live here in the winters.
So this was an experiment, but my husband seems to think it is permanent, and not an experiment. I told him last night, no one is asking you to give up this place, you can have it, it's yours. (There goes my retirement account.) I just don't think I want to live here in the winters. My ex-DH and I often spent many months apart due to our jobs (we were both in the coast guard on ships). We often lived in different states. It was very workable for a long time but it was hard. And became harder and harder over time and eventually was one of the things that lead to our divorce. In our case it was the constant moves and transfers we each faced separately (never know where you are going to next) and it was even worse once I got out as I was very unwilling to move and leave my job and life for his career (and I was very unhappy with civilian life too and greatly regretted getting out of the service but did it for the marriage). But I think it would be much easier if you just do a few months of living in S. Carolina during the worst part of the winter (and DH can come visit often if he also works from home). It can even be very romantic and exciting. However, I know that constant compromising can be extremely hard on a relationship even if both people are willing to do it, so only you know if this is something that would be workable between you two. Otherwise you can work on trying to convince DH to move back to S. Carolina - but then he may be just as miserable there in summer as you are in MI. in winter.
Of course you can always rent a place like this for a couple of months :-)!
http://savannah.craigslist.org/sub/4300126326.html
Gardenarian
1-24-14, 6:35pm
I was just reading a novel and a woman was saying she had lived in a place thirty years and at some point it had "turned into home." It made me stop and think. Thirty years - seems like most people don't stay in the same place that long. Maybe it takes a lot longer to put down roots than we think.
I know some people move into town, volunteer for everything, make a lot of friends, and then move on a few years later. That is not me. I have been in the same small town for over 20 years but sometimes I still think the grass is greener somewhere else - even with a great climate, wonderful neighbors, a pretty great house. Maybe it's because I moved a lot as a kid; I feel restless and still feel like I'm not entirely home.
Also - the change in flight patterns has made our town very noisy and I can not overemphasize the impact this has had on our quality of life.
Sometimes the neighborhood/town actually is the thing that changes and you no longer feel "at home" any longer. This happened to my Mom who had lived in her house for 30 years. The neighborhood changed very dramatically in a short period of time. Everyone she had known had moved out, the local stores, shops and restaurants changed, the area lost it's cultural and ethnic diversity and became much more mono-cultural (and one in which she didn't speak the language or understand the culture). So after 30 years in the same place, she no longer felt "at home" even though she was in the same place the whole time.
I am more of the "home is where ever I live" kind of person. So picking up and moving to a new place (something I've done a huge amount of) doesn't effect how I feel about the "homeness" of a place but other factors, like climate, natural areas, people, etc., do. The only place I ever actually felt was "home" was when I lived in Maine. And I lived on a CG ship then and didn't have a home, but it felt like the place I belonged.
I envy perhaps a bit jealous of those that stay put, find home and are there a life time. My folks. Then the other gypsy side of me feels sorry they did not get to see if the grass was greener somewhere else.
The same thing happened to the folks as Spartana mentioned to her mom. The world and neighborhood changed around them since 1956. Everyone knew each other. A phone call and they would help a neighbor or get help. Kinda like over staying a welcome. They know nobody, they had not one neighbor to put on an emergency call list for council on aging. Honestly just sad. So not sure one place is the best because nothing lasts forever.
DH and I are "old" (70) and we've move around a fair amount with his job, longest time 22 years in one place, and have always found our "connections" with our co-workers and church (UU). While we were working there didn't seem to be a lot of interaction with our neighbors, really. We're retired now, and moved to Idaho to be near our kids, and have substituted them and their friends for co-workers, and still have our UU community. We're very very involved with our church and its many activities -- classes, working at sponsored church activities such as homeless and LGBT issues, etc. Getting together socially with friends for lunches and dinners and "tourist" traveling (weather permitting) to interesting places around and about. And some other community activities we're involved in. And DH is quite a handy person so he's always building something and always always busy, and while I'm not the energizer bunny he is, I find plenty to do with what little time we find to be at home with "nothing to do". Although always on the go has a way of being tiring for me, and I do need my down-time. If we were to move again, and that's not really out of the question as Idaho is awfully "red" for us, I know we will have no real problem getting involved in a UU community wherever it is, and that's a life-saver for us.
Finding a community has always been important for us ...
Teacher Terry
1-29-14, 1:11am
For years I found moving exciting & a new adventure. However, now I never want to move again. Have been in the same town for 17 years. I think people benefit from having varying experiences.
For years I found moving exciting & a new adventure. However, now I never want to move again. Have been in the same town for 17 years. I think people benefit from having varying experiences.
+1
Moving opens one to different points of view, culture, perspective, understanding and opportunities that cannot be determined from a distance.
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