I need some feedback on how to act in this situation, please.

[bke]

I'm not big on airing my dirty laundry in public but could really use some insight about something.

My parents separated in October after 45 yrs. of marriage. There is lots of negativity that I could tell you about but lets just keep it simple by telling you that my mother did something so horrendous to me, my dh and son that she and I are no longer on speaking terms. I lost my mother on Oct. 17th.

My father and I have been working on putting the jagged pieces of our relationship together. We don't have much left to call a family so we've been working pretty hard at moving forward together. I don't want to lose him too but I'm very aware that it very well could happen.

Dh and I are doing a private dinner for 40 of our closest customers on Sunday. I invited my father thinking it would be a good chance for him to socialize with some good people. Last night he called and told me that he has a lady friend and that she really wants to come to the dinner. He was asking for permission to bring her BUT he had already mentioned it to her and told her that if she couldn't participate it would be because his daughter (me) said no.

I've never met this woman. I didn't even know she existed. Now I have had to tell my son, who isn't over losing his grandmother, that grandpa is bringing some lady to dinner. He just looked at me funny and said ok. All I could think to tell him is to decide for himself whether he likes her or not, that there was no wrong way to feel, and to feel free to talk to me about it anytime.

So, how the hell am I supposed to treat this lady? I'm meeting her for the first time in front of all these people, some of which don't even know my parents are separated. Talk about drying your laundry in public!! I don't want to act ignorant and rude, but I also can imagine finding it in myself to make much of a positive first impression when all I can think is that I'm not ready for her to exist.

Any advice would be very welcome. I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

[rodeosweetheart]

Here are a couple of things that jump out to me:.

There is lots of negativity that I could tell you about but lets just keep it simple by telling you that my mother did something so horrendous to me, my dh and son that she and I are no longer on speaking terms. I lost my mother on Oct. 17th.

That is very recent, so perhaps the wounds are too raw to try to cope with the breakup of your mom and dad's relationship so publicly?

Dh and I are doing a private dinner for 40 of our closest customers on Sunday.

That is a big party, and sounds rather work related--maybe you don't want to bring this personal element into what sounds like a work event?

I invited my father thinking it would be a good chance for him to socialize with some good people. Last night he called and told me that he has a lady friend and that she really wants to come to the dinner. He was asking for permission to bring her BUT he had already mentioned it to her and told her that if she couldn't participate it would be because his daughter (me) said no.

Well, that was not very nice on his part, but you can't worry about being responsible for his bad behavior

I've never met this woman. I didn't even know she existed. Now I have had to tell my son, who isn't over losing his grandmother, that grandpa is bringing some lady to dinner. He just looked at me funny and said ok. All I could think to tell him is to decide for himself whether he likes her or not, that there was no wrong way to feel, and to feel free to talk to me about it anytime.
I think it would depend on your son, how old he is, and again, this mix of work and homelife sounds a bit risky, from the blow up standpoint

So, how the hell am I supposed to treat this lady? I'm meeting her for the first time in front of all these people, some of which don't even know my parents are separated. Talk about drying your laundry in public!! I don't want to act ignorant and rude, but I also can imagine finding it in myself to make much of a positive first impression when all I can think is that I'm not ready for her to exist.

I would tell your dad that you've reconsidered the meeting and the work party, that it is a work related party and not the place to have a delicate meeting; suggest a meeting with your DH and dad and his lady friend, at a restaurant, without your son present.

Maybe separate things out a bit, give yourself a little emotional space?

[redfox]

I would strongly suggest that you arrange with your father to meet his new friend for the first time in private; optimally before your dinner.

[razz]

Keep work and family separate. It was inappropriate for your dad to include anyone and he made the decision so must live with the consequences. He is being manipulative to you (even abusive with probably a long history of doing so). Sorry to say that he will continue to do so until you make the boundaries clear and keep making them clear.

Keep your dad out of your work life and its engagements from now on. If you want to maintain contact, do so in private settings not public.

[lhamo]

I was writing a long response with lots of quotes and questions, but i'm afraid it will be taken the wrong way so I'm going to change approach here.

First, I'm sincerely sorry for all the pain you have been going through. Sounds like a very difficult time for you and your family.

But, in spite of that and maybe because of that, I think you need to focus on what is important here. Do you love your dad? Do you want to maintain a relationship with him? If so, then I would graciously welcome his lady friend to your event and do your best to give her a chance. He is trying to move on and if the way you represent your mother's behavior is accurate, then he should be applauded for doing so. He has not handled the introduction of this friend well, but she exists and she is a part of his life and for that reason you should get to know her. There is no reason to be ashamed about the end of your parents' relationship or the fact that your father has found someone new. There is also no need to go into the details of what happened. Just the facts, mam, and only if asked -- it isn't like you have to stand up and offer a toast to your dad's new partner. Your dad and your mom have separated, and dad has a new friend. Treat her with grace and courtesy, and try to be open-minded and open-hearted about it. She may be a disaster, or she may be the best thing that ever happened to your family. You won't know if you shut her out and alienate her at this point.

[Dhiana]

It sounds like she may be a victim of circumstances (your father's manipulations?) as much as you regarding this situation.

I see no reason why you should not treat her with the respect you treat each new person you meet. She is likely as worried as you regarding the meeting.

[goldensmom]

I can only say what I would do in such a situation. I would treat her like anyone else that I have just met. I would be courteous and cordial. She has no relationship with you beyond that at this point so simply treat her as you would want to be treated which I think would be in a kindly manner.

[sweetana3]

Llamo, what a lovely response. Dhiana too.

[new2oregon]

If your mom was going to be there and he was going to bring a lady friend just to throw it in her face I would say it was wrong. Your Dad will allways be your Dad and he is bringing a friend so I would make the best of it. Like goldens mom said treat her how you would want to be treated. He might have been dealing with more than you know and therefore wasn't as good to you as he wanted to be. Divorce is hard and brings out a lot of anger. I hope you and your Dad can build a relationship before its too late. None of my parents are still alive and I wish I could have done better when I was younger. Good luck to you.

[bke]

Thanks for all the responses. I came very close to telling him that I didn't want this new woman there after reading the first couple of responses. (Especially yours, razz, because there is probably more truth to what you said that I'm able to absorb at the moment.)

The other side of me feels very much like what Ihamo described. I don't know her and its not my normal reaction to treat a stranger poorly. I'm going to treat her as I would any other customer. If the people there want to be rude towards me, gossiping or questioning the situation, that is their problem. My head will be held high. Plus, who knows, she could be along for years to come and I really don't want to make an enemy of her from the get-go.

I still think this is a very inappropriate situation. My father is being very rude and disrespectful towards me. But, life is kinda crappy right now and we're doing the best we can. I know part of my problem is that I'm just not over what happened in October. But, I'm not a child and need to make sure I don't act like one.

I live in a very small town so business and personal life mix all the time. This is good and bad of course. My son is 14 and will be helping with the party tomorrow. He has been instructed to be polite to this woman when he is introduced but to not linger at the table. Treat her like anyone else there. I have told him that I don't like his grandfather's behavior and that its not how I would want ds to act.

Now is they show up and she's some money grubbin' little bimbo, all bets are off!!!:0!

Thanks everyone. I really needed to vent yesterday and get some feedback. I'll let you know what happens....

[RosieTR]

I think it's pretty natural to feel bitter about any new person in a parent's life, especially after a long marriage and especially if there is a divorce rather than a death. My friends whose parents found new "friends" after the loss of their marriage one way or another had a hard time with it. Treating this person gracefully will be more a reflection on you as a person than your father, and hopefully send that message to your customers. If it's a small town, there will be talk. There is always talk. Your close friends, whom you feel can be discreet, would be good sounding boards/support. Otherwise, I wholeheartedly agree with Llamo. To stick to facts, some phrases may help: "I'm sorry, but I'd prefer not to talk about that right now" or "You know, even I don't know all the details at this point" and/or "Well, you might ask (dad) about that, because it's really his business rather than mine" etc.
As for dad, not getting much more information it's hard to say what's going through his mind. He may just be wildly reacting to the whole thing and not really thinking about how this might be making you feel, or your son feel. It's sometimes difficult to see other points of view when you are in a lot of pain yourself, which may be where he is. If he has a history of being inconsiderate, this may be right in character, however. If the latter is true, you'll have to decide how much you're willing to put up with or go out of your way for.

[ToomuchStuff]

From your fathers perspective and not knowing the whole "dirty laundry". He lost his relationship and has a jagged one with you (from your post) and hopes to bring someone who he feels comfortable with, along.
You both are looking for a comfort zone place to work from, as I see it.

[shadowmoss]

Being a bimbo doesn't necessarily mean she's money-grubbing. What I mean is, she may be young and/or beautiful. Don't hold it against her if she is unless/until she proves her priorities one way or another. :)

[bke]

Well, things turned out ok Sunday night. My dad brought his friend into the restaurant and directly to the kitchen so that he could introduce us all properly. I was really swamped at the time so I simply told her that it was nice to meet her and that I hoped she would enjoy her dinner. They sat in a booth alone but my dad chatted a bit with the table next to them where there were several people that he knew. I served them just as I did everyone else and when they left she and I exchanged the usual pleasantries and she suggested we get together again sometime when we can actually chat.

The only comment that I heard from anyone was from a guy that went through something similar 2 years ago. He said it was nice to see that my dad was moving on and not sitting in the house waiting to die.

[nswef]

I'm glad to hear it worked out better than expected.