mother in laws and new grandchildren?

[pinkytoe]

My mostly absentee boss is gone again so that she could be with her son when his wife gives birth to her first grandchild. I am wondering what the common thought is on having one's mil present for this big event. If it were me, I would want to have some time alone in my house with my new little family at least for the first week or so. It would be great to have someone help with meals and other chores but one's mother-in-law? Maybe I'm just not that close to my mil but I am curious what others thoughts are on this. When I had my dd many many moons ago, my mil was just outside the delivery room ready to take over and I've never quite forgotten that.

[Miss Cellane]

My thought is that no one except the husband should be at the hospital or at home for the first few weeks unless invited. That goes for grandparents on both sides, aunts, uncles and friends. The new mom has just pushed a living being out of her body and needs her rest.

And the new mom gets to decide. She's the one doing the work. No arguments about how *her* mother is in the delivery room, so *his* mother gets to be there, too. Nope. The new mom gets to choose who will be there based on who she wants and who she thinks will be good support during the delivery. If there's ever a time a person can say, "Yes, it *is* all about me!" it is while giving birth.

A brief stop where you stand on the doorstep and hand over a meal for the freezer and then leave is okay without an invitation.

[catherine]

I'm in that situation, because Grandchild #1 is due in March (actually due on my birthday). DDIL has invited us to participate as much as we want. DH of course wants no part of the icky stuff. I anticipate my typical guarded presence. I want to be involved as much as they want me to be involved and no more. I expect I will show up at the hospital after the baby is born. Even though I had Lamaze for my 4 kids, which contributed greatly to my enjoyment of the deliveries, I don't want to be there to be a cheerleader for her--unless of course she wants me to--just as Miss Cellane said. And given she's living in our house, I'm sure she wants as much private time as possible.

And I have to say, in terms of my work schedule, if I get a job around the due date, unfortunately I have to take it. I've had a very dry January and expect a dry February. So, I may be coming back home after a business trip to meet the baby when he's a few days old. I hate to say that, but that's the position I'm in right now.

[fidgiegirl]

I think it depends on every person. In my case, only want DH there in the hospital, and I think both sets of parents know that. I mentioned it to my DM and she is totally in agreement, and my in-laws are super that way - they are not people to overstep boundaries. Someone else might be closer to a MiL than their own DM. Now as far as spending time at our house after the birth, we haven't had that conversation. I suppose some DMs or DMiLs are more or less handy/helpful around the house as well.

[redfox]

Seems very individually & culturally specific. My sister's MIL, a traditional Egyptian woman, was in the room during delivery in their apartment in Alexandria. I know many families in my neighborhood with extended family deeply involved, including being at the birth itself.

[lmerullo]

I was present at the births of all three of my grandchildren, along with being at the sonogram. My granddaughter was born to my son's girlfriend (ex) - and I say that we (she and I) share custody and get along fine.

My parents picked me up and then brought me home every day for the first two weeks after dd was born. I did the same for my daughter after her first. I offered for my son's gf,but she declined. When my dd had #2 I kept the oldest for the first week and then had number two for an overnight.

Apparently I am way more involved than most <grin>.

I totally agree that the mom gets the final say. In print I may seem pushy and overbearing but in real life am far from it. My kids and grandkids get my unconditional love at all times.

[Yarrow]

I loved my MIL dearly, had a much better relationship with her than my own DM. That being said, I didn't want anyone with me for the birthing process except for my DH at the time, oh so many years ago.....

My dear MIL was always a big help with my little ones when hubby worked long hours and I am forever grateful to her. She always seemed to know when to help and when to step back. I have such good memories of her!

[rodeosweetheart]

My son just had the first family grandchild, and he wanted us there immediately. We, being concerned that DIL would feel exhausted and overwhelmed, consulted them both and came up with a plan to come down at a month, but that we would all come and stay at a hotel, and have some time with the new family and gush over the new baby.
It seemed to work out really well. Glad that no one tried to stay at their house, as they were getting no sleep, but all in all it seemed to meet everyone's needs pretty well.

I think her parents saw the baby after a few days. She gave birth at home and adamantly did not want her mother there, since she disapproved. They told us first because we had been supportive of them in that decision (you have no choice but to be supportive, as it is their baby!)

I know my son feels that he wishes his family got to see the baby as much as hers, who lives in the same town, not hours and plane rides away. If we lived in the same town, it would be different, and we might have been there in the first week. I do know my son felt very strongly he needed support (baby had some issue with feeding, and they were worried) and spent hours on the phone with me asking for advice.

So I don';t think it's necessarily the new mom is the only one that needs family support. But we were careful to respect DIL's wishes above all else, since she was in a fragile and exhausted state.

[rodeosweetheart]

" It would be great to have someone help with meals and other chores but one's mother-in-law?"

Why not? You seem a bit biased against mother-in-laws--they are the baby's grandmother, too. It seems really sad that mothers-in-law get given such a bad rap. I thought my mother-in-law was the sweetest woman I ever met, and I offered to take her in in her final years. I would also take in my own mom, too, lol.

[pinkytoe]

You seem a bit biased against mother-in-laws
Possibly so but then I have only had one mil and she's something else. Sweet as can be or NOT if she doesn't get her way. Let's just say...we had to move to another city after dd was born because she was so interfering. My own mother kept a respectful distance which I always appreciated.

[Reyes]

I think it is up to the expecting parents. My DD and DSIL wanted me at the birth, in the room, and I was thrilled to be there. His mother was there as well which was great. DSIL's mother stayed on with them for a couple weeks which was a huge help to new parents. I can down after that and helped as well.