View Full Version : Balance vs Intensity
Hi,
I happened to pop in this morning and am so glad I did! I'm very taken with your comment about "clarity of purpose and intensity of life." I'm one of those people who is very intense and highly-motivated when I have a clear purpose or goal. But you hear SO much about the importance of BALANCE, so I've been doggedly pursuing balance. It's not working. I like intensity and focus.
Sorry, this has nothing to do with status symbols. They hold little appeal for me. (and this site makes typing really difficult! what's up with that?)
But I would love to have a conversation about finding that inner "balance," whether that means achieving external balance or embracing our internal makeup (which might not be "balanced/moderate" at all, and maybe doesn't have to be).
In pcooley's thread about consumerism and social capital, I was very taken by one of his comments about clarity of purpose and intensity of life and made the above comment. But rather than hijacking his thread, I thought I'd post a new one to start a dialogue about it.
As we age, we naturally become more balanced and wise, and I think balance and moderation is part of wisdom. Which is why I've been working hard to cultivate them. And while I do believe that I'm much more balanced and wise than I was 20 years ago, I still find it to be an ongoing challenge. But what if one is naturally predisposed to a more intense personality that doesn't really work well with balance? Does one work hard at changing said personality and internal makeup? Or does one work with the strengths given and embrace those things that make us unique? I might not be "moderate" or "well-balanced," but I have fantastic energy, curiosity, and enthusiasm. Is one not as good as the other?
This kind of reminds me of how in the past, lefties were forced to become righties to fit in with what was the norm. And sure, it can be done. But at what expense?
I realize that this forum is heavily skewed towards introversion, so many of you might not identify with the intensity part, but the same could be said for any other character or personality trait. I guess it's really about acceptance of who we are (with its pluses and negatives), versus trying to change who we are to be more socially/culturally appropriate. Both choices come with their own costs and benefits.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
I don't know.. I think unless you are unhappy or you feel you're "off-track" somehow, I don't think you should pursue balance for the sake of it. I think of all the fantastic people in that "intense" space--i.e. Steve Jobs--who dedicated their lives to their passion, and were probably rarely "balanced." If we are doing what we are called to do, I'm sure there's an intensity about it that excludes other things at times.
I say, be who you are, and it sounds like you are rightfully happy about that. I think inner balance has nothing to do with what may appear to be "a balanced life" to others.
Hi Catherine,
I appreciate your perspective. I think the reason I've been working so hard at balance is that my DH is a very balanced person, and I see the benefits of that. But, it's just not me. And actually, DH fell in love with my energy. So my quest might be ill-advised :).
I really like how you distinguish between inner balance and "a balanced life." I like that a lot.
In my post, I was not thinking of intensity and balance as opposed but complementary. Being mindful of the moment brings both intensity and balance. I am thinking of the kind of intensity that allows you to fully appreciate the deep blue of the sky, or the texture of an orange peel, not the kind of intensity that drove me to try and drive thirty hours straight when I was in college. (I didn't make it quite back home. I had to pull over because I started seeing gnomes running across the road). Likewise, I see wisdom and intensity as the same thing. It might be easy to mistake wisdom for the ability to accept what happens without wishing for something different, but if you do not have the intensity and intentionality to enjoy what is happening, you don't have wisdom but merely resignation. To me there is a big difference.
fidgiegirl
2-28-14, 6:20pm
I am really happy you posted this, watergoddess. With the impending arrival of our little one I have been fretting about how it will throw our lives out of balance, but then thinking about - well, have I really been that happy "balanced," anyway?
I first started thinking about it when I discovered The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle Laporte. Here's a little video. I am at my happiest when I am "on fire" about something - a lofty goal that I'm working my butt off, a new idea I'm developing and putting out into the world (I think that's why I've been unhappy in my job this year - feels like all my ideas have been blocked by layers of unnecessary "planning" and "procedures," so I've stopped altogether :( )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jh9DvFDmm4M
Funny but just had a confrontation session and felt really badly afterwards wishing I had shown more balance than intensity. I do value intensity more than balance but find that the general contacts in my life find my intensity overwhelming so I have to tone things down a lot. Very frustrating when one has a new idea and runs into the usual resistance to change before quiet contemplation kicks in and considers the merit of change.
pcoooley - I think the way that I define balance is when we aim for a balanced life, ie, in a given day I expend energy on all the important areas of my life, without neglecting or overemphasizing one or the other. Often, for me, intensity means that I pour all of my energy into one project, at the expense of the other, equally important aspects of my life. So I might go all out on a project, but my laundry piles up, housework doesn't get done (and I could care less if it gets done or not), and dinner is leftover soup, simply because I have no interest in anything more involved. When I'm intense, I never check out of life, or do things that are dangerous or risky; I always remain present in the rest of my life and take care of all my responsibilities that need taking care of, but the majority of my mental/emotional energy is focused on one key goal. It's very exhilarating and quite productive. But not "balanced" per se.
Kellie - I feel exactly the same! Thanks for the video, that was very interesting - though I can't really call myself a creative genius :).
I definitely think that there are pros/cons to seeking "a balanced life" and/or bursts of intensity. But I'm coming to realize that acceptance of our innate makeup is the key. I've also noticed that for me, being bored is really bad - I become totally unproductive and blah. I need that "fire" to light me up, and then I really bloom. And hey, Congratulations on your baby! How exciting. I'm thinking you will definitely be on fire very soon and for a very long time!
Razz - What you said is very interesting - about feeling that you have to tone down your intensity. Sometimes I feel that I should do that too - more to conserve my energy and use it wisely though, not out of concern for others :|(. I think that when I'm with others, and when I'm being intense, I don't really notice it, or feel it as excessive. It feels very natural to me. I feel at home in myself.
Ok, what is meant by balance? I'm reading it as equanimity. If equanimity -- a state which is very personally defined, IMO -- is the center post, I swing on either side of it, and through it, constantly. My swings have gotten less extreme as I have lived longer and had more self-reflective time, and tempering life experiences.
I have a question for everyone. Since we all pretty much agree on what "a balanced life" looks like, from the outside, what does inner balance look like to you? Your inner balance. How would you describe it? How do you create it? What does it feel like? etc...
And maybe even, what sacrifices are you willing to make to keep/achieve/maintain it?
what does inner balance look like to you? Your inner balance. How would you describe it? How do you create it? What does it feel like? etc...
And maybe even, what sacrifices are you willing to make to keep/achieve/maintain it?
I guess I would say first that balance, like a marriage, is rarely 50/50 or 33/33/33 or 20/20/20/20/20... Some things come in their own seasons. If my work requires a 12-14 hour grind in one day to get to a shoot, take the pictures, return, and process them on a deadline, many other things will not get done that day. But because such long hard-stop workdays are not the rule, I can accommodate them without a lot of stress. I know I will have time tomorrow or the next day to get my clothes washed or cook real food or visit with family or friends. OTOH, the idea of a poolside vacation with some shade, a book, and drinks with umbrellas in them sounds appealing to me for all of about 20 minutes. Not my idea of leisure time. Dedicating so much time to that activity means there are other interests I can't attend to.
Without writing a novel (you know I can do it :D), I would say that inner balance means being able to work toward personal goals and attend to interests over a reasonably short period of time. I do that by setting boundaries (for example, I don't accept every social invitation offered, I'm not OCD about the laundry), keeping the house calm (I try to keep it a sanctuary despite what goes on outside and despite the fact that I work from my home), and evaluating often what I'm doing to see if it's really keeping me on the track I want to be.
I don't know what anyone else's "balanced life" looks like, only what mine does. Is there some kind of standard I am unaware of?
"what does inner balance look like to you? Your inner balance. How would you describe it? How do you create it? What does it feel like? etc..."
To me, inner balance is the feeling of serenity when life is simply flowing like a brook with a few ripples, some pebbles but a healthy flow that feels rich and right.
ApatheticNoMore
3-2-14, 3:36am
I don't know what anyone else's "balanced life" looks like, only what mine does. Is there some kind of standard I am unaware of?
+1 me either, not sure what a balanced life looks like on the outside. I've only heard the term "work-life balance", so yea maybe most people would think a workaholic was not balanced (most people have no great passion for their work either so it is only sensible given that). And if you neglect your spouse and kids to be a workaholic (or an anything-aholic) maybe most people would see that as failing your human commitments as well and I guess imbalanced. But other than that???? Work life balance would be a nice idea :)
what does inner balance look like to you? Your inner balance. How would you describe it? How do you create it? What does it feel like? etc...
I'm probably a stereotype introvert, I need downtime. Time to reflect inward and time to do the things I want to. Time to socialize and time to rest between socializing. Of course all societal pressures run in the other direction.
As I approach 70 this year, I am very aware of the "balance" I have in my life now. It feels so much better to me - much calmer and serene. Yes, there is a time for intensity and I can still get there, but now I can return to balance much quicker.
I used to be a very, very competitive person, much to my own angst. But I have learned that I don't have to be right, or the best - who I am is good enough. I am able to listen to others more without feeling that I have to interject my thoughts, because it really doesn't matter. Maybe I have finally learned not to take life so seriously. That brings balance. The intensity, although exciting, can sometimes make me crazy. I now prefer serenity.
I might add, though, that I am in a place where balance comes easier. I'm almost retired and I care about different things. I am no longer on the fast track so that makes a big difference. I can slow down and smell the roses, as they say. Maybe one needs wisdom in order to achieve balance.
Linda
To me, balance is staying true to my Center. I get to my Center through meditation and prayer (my orientation is Ignation Spirituality + teachings of mystics such as Richard Rohr and Bernadette Roberts, and Buddhism). If I am letting "mind" direct me, I am off-Center.
I have an image in my head when I meditate of a glass jar inside me. But the glass jar is covered with all kinds of black icky stuff, like grease or tar. That ickiness is my belief system, my "store-consciousness," my experiences, my past hurts and joys which have patterned false perceptions in my mind, and my precious ego.
When I meditate I imagine God (or The Divine or whatever you want to call our Oneness) entering my Center and warming it up a little and then melting away little windows of clarity.
I'm balanced when I am acting on the basis of the light shining through those little windows.
I don't know what anyone else's "balanced life" looks like, only what mine does. Is there some kind of standard I am unaware of?
Hi redfox,
Thank you for this question. It made me stop and really think about it. What I meant with that statement is that we all have a pretty good idea of what a balanced life would look like for us individually, from the outside. To me, this is the big picture that is different, but right, for each of us. Hence, all of us can agree that my idea of a balanced life is the right one for me, and your idea of a balanced life is the right one for you, even if they are completely different.
This is what a balanced life looks like to dh and me - but I don't need to have it validated, nor am I confused about it:
taking care of our health
practicing loving-kindness with ourselves and each other
nurturing our relationships
taking care of our home
saving for retirement
living within our means
staying out of debt
having an emergency fund
being an active part of our community
fostering growth and learning for ourselves, each other, and others
And lo and behold, when I looked at the big picture, at this big goal, and where we are in relation to it, I realized that we actually have a very balanced life. It took looking at the big picture to see things clearly. So thank you for that! :) Now, if I were to look at each day individually, I might find that some aspects are temporarily out of whack, but we always manage to bring things around.
I think the part I was getting stuck at is how to arrive at that balance. Dh is a very moderate person and he feels happiest when he does a little bit each day, for every area. Maintaining an equilibrium, and going the "slow and steady" way is the most satisfying for him. Me, I thrive on the bursts of energy of tackling one big project at a time, and the sense of accomplishment that I get from that.
One goal, two completely different approaches to it. But we actually complement each other very well, and as long as we value our individual strengths and remain conscious of our weaknesses, we are a great team.
I'm seeing that my inner balance is one where I can honor my natural preference for intensity and focus, but to be aware of how that might become misaligned if I don't monitor it. I will have to be careful about building structure into my approach so that I don't burn out or squander my time and energy.
I really appreciate your thoughtfulness & reflections, watergoddess. I too have my own checklist. I asked the question because what balance is, is deeply personal. My Egyptian relatives, who live eight in a two room apartment, might define balance as making sure they are all fed and rested enough to pray five times a day and celebrate holidays with family. My neighbors across the street, who are from Northern Mexico, and live in a single Mom headed household might say they have balance when everyone has enough to eat, jobs, and health. My immediate neighbor, Mandarin speaking, with whom we share a fence line sweeps their front porch, driveway, and sidewalk daily, leading me to think that this is a part of their balanced life.
Often I see articles about "balanced lives" that hold forth white, middle class, and privileged values, and assume that these are true for all. I have the luxury of thinking about it all. Some of my family and neighbors may not, given their circumstances. I think it's important to be reflective about assumptions that are held as universal truths. Your reflections are beautifully written, and I love that you own them as yours alone, with the unique qualities of your circumstances and preferences. Thank you!
Gardenarian
3-3-14, 3:43pm
Thanks watergoddess; I was unsure what people meant by 'balance' as well.
It seems like it means assessing what is important to you and spending that assessed proportion of time/energy/space on it. A little different from living in tune with your values.
I certainly have some conflicts in this area, with things that are of high importance not necessarily getting the attention they deserve. I think if I made a pie chart of what I think is important and what I am actually doing they would look very different. (Does anyone know of a site where you can do this? create a sort of balance graph or chart? I really need visuals sometimes.)
My family is going through profound changes (dh and I both having mid-life issues and dd in adolescence) and I have had some enormous physical challenges, so it's not surprising that we've got off course.
I tend to work in sprints too, and then lie fallow for a while. This works - but only if I have my goals fixed firmly in my mind. Which I don't, at the present. I'm burned out - not on work really, just burned out, period.
I'm taking the entire summer off to sort things out.
Sometimes taking the entire summer off is restoring balance.
Gardenarian
3-3-14, 6:11pm
Sometimes taking the entire summer off is restoring balance.
I sure hope so!
Thanks watergoddess; I was unsure what people meant by 'balance' as well.
It seems like it means assessing what is important to you and spending that assessed proportion of time/energy/space on it. A little different from living in tune with your values.
I certainly have some conflicts in this area, with things that are of high importance not necessarily getting the attention they deserve. I think if I made a pie chart of what I think is important and what I am actually doing they would look very different. (Does anyone know of a site where you can do this? create a sort of balance graph or chart? I really need visuals sometimes.)
My family is going through profound changes (dh and I both having mid-life issues and dd in adolescence) and I have had some enormous physical challenges, so it's not surprising that we've got off course.
I tend to work in sprints too, and then lie fallow for a while. This works - but only if I have my goals fixed firmly in my mind. Which I don't, at the present. I'm burned out - not on work really, just burned out, period.
I'm taking the entire summer off to sort things out.
Hi Gardenarian,
I'm sorry that you're feeling off-course and burned out. I remember seeing a pie chart a while back, if I find it again I will post it here for you. But you might just be in a necessary dormant stage. I've often said that I'm like a deciduous tree!
I think my big picture idea of balance is very values-centered. That's what guides me in how I define the goals that make up my balanced life. But it feels like my inner balance is more of looking at how to reach my goals/live in alignment with my goals, given my particular makeup. So while "moderation" is a good value, and a healthy goal, how moderation looks for me is going to look and feel different than it does to dh, for example. It might be that for me, moderation means allowing myself to find the rhythm that feels most satisfying and most productive to me (not dh, not anyone else), but being mindful of excess in doing so, either in lack of structure, or in lack of opportunity to engage in what is satisfying to me.
I hope this makes some sense. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. It's a new concept for me.
Gardenarian
3-4-14, 3:03pm
Watergoddess - it makes a lot of sense. I can see this in terms of my writing. It takes a certain amount of self-discipline, but I don't want so much structure that it is no longer fun or sparky.
I want my house to be organized, and get through my list of must-do things, but want to do so in way that is mindful and happy.
The only helpful visual I've found so far called the Life Wheel (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm). I've done them before, and they do show areas that are really out of whack. I was hoping to find something a little more in depth...
I'm not unhappy or anything, I'm just going from one thing to the next without being entirely present. Stumbling down the path without enjoying the view.
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