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How do you deal someone who never stops talking. It's my mother. It drives me nuts lately. She didn't used to be like this. How can I stop getting so irrated by it? I feel guilty for feeling this way. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I will be watching the thread closely. There is a nonstop talker in my life too and I find myself avoiding answering the phone or calling the person if I need to. Probably someone just needs to point it out, to be honest - but how to do that gently, I'm not sure.
To address the OP's question, the first thing I'd look for is an answer to the question "why now?" Is there some change in her life such as loss of husband, retirement from job, etc, that has taken away a major social outlet? Perhaps she's just lonely. My dad never used to be especially talkative but then after mom died when I'd call him to see how he was doing he'd talk and talk and talk.
For talkers who are/have always been talkers I plan accordingly and limit my contact to them to times that I can spend a lot of time listening to them. I've only got one major talker in my daily life now and she respects my need to not be overtalked. About once per week she calls and we'll talk for maybe 45 minutes to an hour. The rest of the time she emails, since she knows that's my preferred communication method since I can answer when it's convenient, etc.
Simplemind
3-3-14, 11:29pm
For an introvert I somehow have more than a couple of extroverted friends. I love them dearly but they wear me out. I have had lunches that lasted 6 hours and my legs have fallen asleep. When I know it is coming up I rest before and after. I am in two paint classes with women and it is three hours of multiple conversations. I love them all but I have to come home and recharge with silence.
My mom would often try to catch me on the phone and then do her best to keep me on. I will listen to you for hours in person but I hate the phone. I would give a million bucks if I could talk to her for five minutes now.
Lordy, I am a high extrovert.... SIX HOURS?? Sheesh. That would do me in too.
onlinemoniker
3-3-14, 11:40pm
Why not just say "I gotta go now" and hang up?
ToomuchStuff
3-4-14, 3:26am
Why not just say "I gotta go now" and hang up?
The "Oh S*&#" hangup can work wonders, but it can backfire (they start calling right back, or drive over). DAMHIK.
Is this in person? If so, wear ear plugs for a while, and when they come over and tap you, pull one out and say you were working on something you needed to concentrate on.
Otherwise, I think jp1 has the right idea.
As a lover of the 'Gift of Gab', my first reaction is, "Well, what are you supposed to do if you don't talk with someone?"
Conversation is like a sport/hobby to me - I love to do it, I love to hear what other people have to say....
Could you just be honest?
"Mom I love you with all my heart and I want to spend time with you and be close to you. When we are constantly talking I get nervous(?) somehow, can we just be together quietly for a bit? It makes me really happy to be with you in other ways than just talking."
You may have to just show her/teach her what you are looking for.
jp1's questions are great. Is it what she is talking about? Is it the pitch? Do you get a chance to respond or are you just being bombarded with words incessantly?
(I love my daughter with all my heart but the pitch of her voice (she's young) after a full day can really get to you if you are off-balance)
onlinemoniker
3-4-14, 8:45am
I just think some of this is about the talker respecting the boundaries of the captive audience which ultimately can't happen unless the listener lets the talker talk. Six hours is outrageous. At some point the listener must assert herself and say "it's been great talking to you but I have to go do____." Hopefully that moment will happen when the listener has stopped enjoying the conversation (unless the talker has some kind of genuine crisis and the listener is trying to be a good friend.)
I know it's easy for me to say this. Easier said than done and I do have an aunt who I simply ignore because every time we got on the phone (once every month or two) it was 1.5 hours of her complaining about her life and childhood and what a crappy sister my mother was to her.) It was so DRAINING. Regardless of whether or not it was true, I got sick of focusing on it after about 15 minutes. Now, two years later she's still sending me cards I don't open bc I don't want to be sucked back in. And I feel GUILTY. I don't know what to do. So I do understand. I'm not exactly dealing with this situation and she is my elderly aunt! But damn it! I'm not her therapist!
And Fidgie, I really don't know how one could point it out gently to the person that they're long-winded and tiresome. I don't know how anyone could say that to me and not hurt my feelings. I think management is the key. Not that I'm too hot at it...
yes this does correspond with when my dad died. But that was four years ago. And yes simplemind I know there will be a time when I wish she was still here talking to me but that doesn't change how I feel now. And no she does not give me a chance to respond.
Now, two years later she's still sending me cards I don't open bc I don't want to be sucked back in. And I feel GUILTY. I don't know what to do. So I do understand. I'm not exactly dealing with this situation and she is my elderly aunt! But damn it! I'm not her therapist!
You may not be her therapist, but you are entitled to set your own boundaries.
And Fidgie, I really don't know how one could point it out gently to the person that they're long-winded and tiresome. I don't know how anyone could say that to me and not hurt my feelings. I think management is the key. Not that I'm too hot at it...
The first thing you need to do in such situations is to disrupt the flow. My experience with Olympic-class talkers is that many/most of them don't easily catch social cues that their listener(s) have checked out. Wait for the talker to take a breath. If they don't seem to take a breath, just say their (preferred) first name. Just about anyone will stop for a moment at the sound of their name. Or excuse yourself to the bathroom. Or (a little rude, maybe) check your phone for a message you're "expecting" or to check the time. Whatever breaks the chain of smiling and nodding.
Once you have the floor, for the people harping on a topic for the umpteenth time, declare that you realize that topic is important to them, but you really can't -- and won't -- listen to it any more. Often there's some action the talker needs to take to address the situation which is not being taken and they are perpetuating things. You cannot change that -- unless you can (offer a ride, help locate resources, whatever). Then change the subject. Talk about the weather or ask about a restaurant or movie the talker experienced recently. Rinse and repeat. If necessary, end that entire conversation.
That also works for the people who can change topics, but you can leave out the advance-the-situation talk. If you need to, end the conversation and do something else. Bathroom, leave, make coffee, whatever. Maybe eventually the talker will get the hint. If not, you have at least preserved your sanity. And your sanity is worth at least as much as theirs.
Gardenarian
3-4-14, 12:30pm
This is probably not the problem, but since I lost my hearing I find I'm talking more in conversations because I can't really hear anyone else, and what I can hear is painful to my ears (hyperacusis.) The hard of hearing are infamous for loquacity. This is not a myth; a lot of studies show that when your hearing goes you start talking more. Has your mother had her hearing tested?
Sad Eyed Lady
3-4-14, 1:47pm
I have a neighbor that is a marathon talker. She is a sweet person, a good neighbor and very caring to others. BUT, she TALKS & TALKS & TALKS. There are genuinely things I want to know when talking to her and If I ask the question, instead of answering with a simple explanation she goes into not only the back story, but each side, top and bottom! Sometimes to the point that even she will stop and say "now, where was I going with this?". That is the part that drives me crazy, not the high dose of talking but the L-O-N-G explanation when I do ask a question. She is a teacher, and I have often wondered if that is part of the reason - talking to a classroom all day? Don't know. And, OP, I don't believe there is a way to tactfully say something directly about it, especially to a family member.
On another but somewhat same note, (and I know this will probably not sit right with some), I don't want to hear about everyone's grandchildren, (or grans as it looks like they are called today), all the cute things they do and cute things they say! Yes, babies are cute, toddlers say cute things but this is not unique to that person's grandchild! I am at that age where most of my friends do have grandchildren, and they sure like to talk about them! lol!!! Sorry if this mini-rant is offensive to anyone here, but there's a limit.
onlinemoniker
3-4-14, 3:06pm
On another but somewhat same note, (and I know this will probably not sit right with some), I don't want to hear about everyone's grandchildren, (or grans as it looks like they are called today), all the cute things they do and cute things they say! Yes, babies are cute, toddlers say cute things but this is not unique to that person's grandchild! I am at that age where most of my friends do have grandchildren, and they sure like to talk about them! lol!!! Sorry if this mini-rant is offensive to anyone here, but there's a limit.
Why would you want to listen? Especially if it's a person you barely know or children you've never met.
Gardenarian
3-4-14, 3:43pm
Why would you want to listen? Especially if it's a person you barely know or children you've never met.
Some people just like to talk; it makes them feel alive. My dh and dd are this way. Do they care if it's interesting to you? Not really!
...I know there will be a time when I wish she was still here talking to me but that doesn't change how I feel now. And no she does not give me a chance to respond.
I always feel bad because intellectually I know there is the "someday" as well, but agreed - it still doesn't make it enjoyable now. :( I can converse all day long - but that implies there is a two-way exchange of information. The person I'm thinking of just talks AT you and usually it is complaints, complaints, complaints. Sorry margene that you are coping with this in someone so close to you. :(
DH (an extrovert and excellent at connecting with people) gets bombarded with people who go on and on, and he always says, "Don't they have anyone to talk to? They must be so lonely!" And I always discourage him from judging them to be lonely just because they like to talk to him, but sometimes it's hard not to make that connection.
I think if people are that disconnected from how they are impacting other people, it's OK to say "I'd love to talk more, but actually, I'm in the middle of something." I am NOT a telephone talker AT ALL, and I simply can't tolerate sitting on the phone for even 15 minutes.
If your mother is there in person talking your ear off, it's a little more difficult. I guess I can just say, honor your own time commitments and boundaries, but consider the times in which you can offer your mother an ear to be a real gift to her.
Years ago I read an article by a drama teacher who emphasized behavioral training, e.g., when someone says something positive you praise them or respond enthusiastically, and when they are complaining or being negative, you do not respond at all. (yes, almost like training a kid or a pet!) After a while her mother caught on that it was a much better experience for both if she kept the complaining to a minimum and then they could happily discuss other things.
Don't know if the OP has a "trainable" mother, but maybe trying this wouldn't hurt.
I have a few clients who are talkers...some of them don't have anyone else they can talk to, so it has become part of their therapy. I have one outside of work...she is a neighbor of mine and it happens to be that we went to high school together for freshman year before I moved away. The longest she held me hostage for was three hours and I did use the excuses that I had things to do....but she just would not stop talking! I had the worst headache after that lunch! I haven't hung out with her since and she has tried to keep in touch and schedule another lunch/dinner. I keep my responses civil, but no way in hell am I going out with her!
onlinemoniker
3-5-14, 9:20pm
Lainey:
I think sometimes they just aren't trainable. They're too self-absorbed to realize the impact they're having.
dado potato
3-6-14, 9:51am
I have told talkative people (truthfully in various situations): "It's good talking with you (just being Minnesota nice), but I've got to (fill in the blank)." And then I increase the physical separation, turn my back, and pick up the tools to do what I said in the blank.
Speaking of Introverts, I just read Susan Cain's book "Quiet", which addresses the many difficulties introverts deal with 'in a world that can't stop talking'. I don't have time to put in the link right now, but there's a pretty good lecture Susan Cain gives on Youtube.
iris lilies
3-6-14, 11:25am
I've known one pathological talker, a nice woman, but socially disabled by her inability to stop blathering. She was in our dog group and was shunned by almost everyone. She would come to my house for the one dog club event I hosted each year because I would sit and listen to her, for a while. I only saw her once a year so getting caught up on her family news wasn't a burden, it was just once a year that I had to listen to her.
Unfortunately she would quack and quack during the dog show (another event) while dogs were in the ring, so I would never sit by her during that time.
Then we've had women in our neighborhood social circle over the years who talk a lot, but it's not pathological. Still, it's a lot of talking! One of those neighbors is now deceased and I honestly cannot say that I miss her or would like to hear her voice.
ToomuchStuff
3-6-14, 12:38pm
We used to have one elderly lady, whose mom everyone cared for. The elderly daughter, however, was commonly referred to as Mrs. Kravitz, from Bewitched. Now the one I have, that is a talker is the boss. I don't think he realizes how much being a talker is costing him, especially since he has never figured out how to talk and do anything at the same time. Drives us (includes his brother/business partner), crazy.
I've known one pathological talker, a nice woman, but socially disabled by her inability to stop blathering. She was in our dog group and was shunned by almost everyone.
That's funny.. I have one of those in our dog park social circle. Maybe there's something about dog lovers who talk a lot--dogs are such good audiences.. they'll tolerate blathering all day long as long as they get fed!
My longest friend--from 1971--talks compulsively. DH says after being around her, "it hurts my ears." I don't think she could control it if she wanted to. I think for her it's oral stimulation (she also eats a lot more frequently than anyone else I know). Fortunately for her many great friends, she's really interesting and has great sense of humor.
I'd love to know how to deal with this too!
I always wonder: are these people lacking the intuition and social skills to make them aware that their audience is wilting?
The extremely talkative people that I know tend to tell stories and not ask many questions, so "conversations" are often one-sided and draining, no matter how anyone else tries.
It bugs me that these people are often perceived as having great social skills, while someone like me who prefers to listen and ask questions is considered "quiet" or even "shy".
I know it's easy for me to say this. Easier said than done and I do have an aunt who I simply ignore because every time we got on the phone (once every month or two) it was 1.5 hours of her complaining about her life and childhood and what a crappy sister my mother was to her.) It was so DRAINING. Regardless of whether or not it was true, I got sick of focusing on it after about 15 minutes. Now, two years later she's still sending me cards I don't open bc I don't want to be sucked back in. And I feel GUILTY. I don't know what to do. So I do understand. I'm not exactly dealing with this situation and she is my elderly aunt! But damn it! I'm not her therapist!
My mother used to do that to me. Like backing an emotional dump truck up into my head. Eventually I told her that I couldn't handle the emotional venting though I knew she needed to do it, and was there someone else she could talk to about that kind of thing. She stopped doing it!
Is it just me or is typing on this forum sometimes very awkward? I have to hit every key slowly and it doesn't always 'take'. But then sometimes it does
There was an endless talker that came to my Bible class for a while. I stopped her by physical holding my hand up in the 'stop' signal and saying, thank you <name>, but right now we're discussing <verse>. She hushed, and then never came back.
onlinemoniker
3-8-14, 8:39am
There was an endless talker that came to my Bible class for a while. I stopped her by physical holding my hand up in the 'stop' signal and saying, thank you <name>, but right now we're discussing <verse>. She hushed, and then never came back.
Were you happy with that outcome?
As far as the problem with the site, go to the thread "does this forum have a virus?" and do what it says. There's a link. It worked for me. I had the same problem but now it's fine.
Ha Ha - When I first clicked on this thread I though it was for "Non Talkers" as it says in the title. A place for me as I don't like to talk much or engage in much conversation (yes, I know I blather on here :-)!). But now I see it's about compulsive talkers and I do have one of those in my life. It's VERY trying for me as a person who prefers silence or minimal conversation even when hanging out with other people (tend to do active activities with others where you can't talk much rather than have conversational-type get togethers). But she's very sweet and kind and I enjoy her even though after an hour or so I pretty much want to hang myself :-)! Not sure really what to do but generally just let the conversation go as she directs it and nod in the right places. I do find I want to spend less time with her rather than more though and that's sad. But I found that trying to direct her stream of words into a give and take conversation is futile. Resistance is futile! So I just go along. It's only a small amount of time out of my life and she seems to need it.
This is probably not the problem, but since I lost my hearing I find I'm talking more in conversations because I can't really hear anyone else, and what I can hear is painful to my ears (hyperacusis.) The hard of hearing are infamous for loquacity. This is not a myth; a lot of studies show that when your hearing goes you start talking more. Has your mother had her hearing tested?I'm just the opposite. I rarely engage in conversation - actually try to avoid it if at all possible - mainly because of my hearing loss. Even with hearing aids it's difficult. I'm not a big talker anyways but have found I talk less since I lost my hearing back when I was in my late 20's. Just sort of nod and smile like an idiot and try to plot my escape from the conversation :-)!
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