A difficult question...would you do it over again?

Every now and then, you read of these surveys where they ask parents, "If you could do it all over again, would you have kids?" To the best of my understanding, many of them say, "Nope."

Well, I have a survey/question of my own.

If you could get married to your current spouse again, would you do it? This is not the same as asking if you want a divorce.

If you met the same person today, as they are now (not as they were then) would you remarry them?

This is on my mind as an important anniversary in my life comes up.

Wondering what other people's takes are on this delicate issue.

I like to think so.

There are some other life decisions I would have made differently that would have likely made the future so that DH and I never met. Big one, the main reason I went to college where I did was because my current boyfriend at the time was there. What a ridiculous reason and of course it wasn't even a valid reason for very long. Junior year of college I met DH.

We've been married 8 years and it has been mostly good. We are definitely still learning as we go and it is still a lot of work! I told my friend who has been dating a girl for a couple months, who was complaining about the difficulty of it all, that if it is hard two months in, the relationship is not marriage material...wait until you have to share a bathroom with someone. We have both changed a lot as people, but we have grown together. Meeting him today DH would still make me laugh all the time with his horrendously corny jokes and the core of his person hasn’t changed in that he is a solid partner and caring person. My complaints (of which he is well aware) that he works too much and is far too stubborn haven’t changed over the course of our relationship, and I can believe he would pretty much say the same about his issues with me.

At this time I would answer your question with a solid yes, but ask me again in 30 years, lol.

I think that if I did say no though, it would really be tough for me to reconcile that answer with the issue of not divorcing. Years ago in some economics course I learned the concept of sunk costs and how they generally aren’t relevant to future rational decision making. Just because I invested time into a relationship, if a marriage has been so bad that one wouldn’t do it again, I can’t imagine a scenario where I would stay in it and endure that same thing for more time. That is, unless there was some sort of outside force to think about like children, being shunned by a community, or being unable to support oneself, etc...

OK. Here is where I stand on that after thinking carefully.

I made a ton of mistakes with regard to how I handled the relationship earlier on. I was motivated by a lot of issues I hadn't dealt with. Now, IF I had been emotionally and psychologically sound, the truth is, our relationship would never have gotten off the ground. It never would have gone past the first date.

As it turns out, we've been married for 36 years now. I can't second guess this decision--who knows what the alternative paths would have done for me? But this path has given me an interesting life, a fun life, a joyful life, a mother's dream of a life with four unbelievably wonderful kids, and ultimately a very un-lonely life even though it's been a life also beset with emotional disability at times, poverty at times, and mental anguish at times. But who doesn't have that?

Short answer: If I had been strong and fully equipped, I never would have gotten to second base in this relationship, but I'm glad I limped all the way home!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by catherine

e even though it's been a life also beset with emotional disability at times, poverty at times, and mental anguish at times. But who doesn't have that?

---

I don't know...I didn't think that those issues were very common. Maybe I just don't know enough people. Or maybe those I know don't talk about it. I have issues like that and quite frankly, I feel isolated and lonely and depressed.

A thousand times yes. DH and I are lucky in that we are even happier & healthier together now than when we married fifteen years ago (and things were good even then). Honestly, though, I can't imagine who DH and I would be today if we hadn't lived the last 15+ years together, become parents, etc. So if I met DH today, and both of us had been single all this time, I can't really picture who we would be. But the DH that he is today, I would marry him over again in a heartbeat. I do think, though, that I have been exceptionally lucky in DH and in the way we have grown together instead of apart, and the way that the hard things (parenting!) have only brought us together and made us feel like more of a team rather than the alternative. I give DH more than 50% of the credit for this. I am a lucky, lucky woman. Things are not perfect, of course, but that would take the flavor out of life, anyway.

Really hard question and depends on what moment you ask me. After 37 years together, I feel like we are joined at the hip as we think alike and share the same history. That provides a great level of comfort and support which is golden. I know I would never have had my lovely dd without this union so that in itself is worth any doubts. Any regrets really seem to center around my own insecurities about who I ought to be/what I should have been so blaming him for any of those shortcomings would not be fair. I went straight from my mother's house to living with dh, so never had any time on my own and that was probably not a good thing in retrospect.

Ditto what sallysue said, minus the parenting references. That said, I'm not all that big on "what if" scenarios like this and don't really find them helpful in my life. I prefer to look forwards, rather than back.

Kara

Right now, Yes, as difficult as it has been. If I could make one change is stop listening to people who poo poo our lifestyle choice- living simple, small, not much stuff and preferring not to settled down- always a gypsy life!!! : )

I adore my son, as crappy as it was to take care of him completely by myself while hubby was literally deployed for 3 years straight. From around 1 to 4, hubby was gone a lot. BUT I learned alot about my strengths and weaknesses and what I wanted out of life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by frugalone

I don't know...I didn't think that those issues were very common. Maybe I just don't know enough people. Or maybe those I know don't talk about it. I have issues like that and quite frankly, I feel isolated and lonely and depressed.

---

Well, in spite of some dry spells over the years, I love my husband and we're soul mates in many ways, which is what has kept us going.