Unwanted gifts

Well not really unwanted but un-needed and a bit awkward.
This next weekend we are having a bbq/party that some people may give gifts for but we never do. Still some people always show up with a gift no matter what we say. I know that their hearts are in the right place but it makes for an awkward moment for us and for anyone else who came without gifts, which is most of the guests.
Usually I try to open it quickly, thank them then move on but again, it's awkward for our other guests. I wonder if there is a better way to handle it? Acknowledge the gift and giver without making anyone else feel bad for not bringing anything, which we never want them to do in the first place.
Anyone have a good way to handle this?

A good way? A way that is not awkward?

That is going to be tough. :(

Are you good enough friends that you could really sit down with these folks and talk straight with them?

An unwanted gift? You mean a burden?

Peggy, I agree with you on this, and I am always up for a discussins on obligatory gifting.

Anyway, I wonder if it is necessary to open the gift at the party? I would say brightly "Thank you so much! We'll open this later!" And set it aside. That will regulate the gifting to a very minor event.

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

Anyway, I wonder if it is necessary to open the gift at the party? I would say brightly "Thank you so much! We'll open this later!" And set it aside. That will regulate the gifting to a very minor event.

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Tact in action.

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

Peggy, I agree with you on this, and I am always up for a discussins on obligatory gifting.

Anyway, I wonder if it is necessary to open the gift at the party? I would say brightly "Thank you so much! We'll open this later!" And set it aside. That will regulate the gifting to a very minor event.

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That's exactly what I would do. If I bring a gift somewhere on a purely voluntary basis, I would have no expectation for my gift to be opened and acknowledged at the party.

Well...if I could tell it was a bottle of wine or a food item I'd open it right then to allow everyone to enjoy.


It use to be when we were invited anywhere I would box up a glass ornament we'd made and then I'd hide it somewhere in the hosts house for them to find later as a "thank you for inviting us to the party" gift. I don't think I would ever make a showy presentation in front of others. I think the funnest one was a dear friend who had her guest bathroom done tastefully in Zebra. We happened to regularly make a 6" tall zebra sculpture. I took a zebra to her next party and left it on a shelf in her guest bathroom. She didn't notice it for 3 weeks! That was a fun phone call when she finally realized what we'd done.

Last week there was a Miss Manners column about gifting. The person querying Miss
Manners started out by saying that there is a movement toward minimalism, and people do not want gifts or objects not of their choosing. I thought that Miss
Manners has missed the point, that when people dont want objects not of their own choosing, they dont want objects not of their own choosing! Period. I am not aware that this translates into "give me money, or fund my vacation."

Here is the text of the question, and Miss Manners' answer:


Q: As I’m sure you’re aware, there is a trend toward decluttering and minimalism. This has resulted not only in the idea that it’s rude to give a gift that wasn’t specifically asked for, but also that it’s perfectly acceptable to ask the prospective giver for “experiences” instead of things — e.g., gift certificates for dinner or a spa visit, or cash toward a vacation.
I feel that it’s rude in any case to make such requests, but what if the prospective giver asks what you’d like to have? Is it acceptable to answer honestly?
A: Yes, unfortunately, Miss Manners is all too aware of yet another manifestation of greed in the name of “gift-giving.”(And the irony that people are being covetous to avoid appearing covetous is not lost on her.)
That it should be considered rude to give a present that was not previously demanded is not only an affront to manners, but also to syntax. What else is a gift, but something that is given willingly?
But as you seem to be the rare creature who understands this, Miss Manners will help you to be honest and to demur, if the demurring is executed correctly.
Only when asked (preferably repeatedly), a celebrant may say, “Oh, I just have so many things, I’m really just looking to relax a bit after the graduation/birthday/wedding. Do you know any good places?”
If done correctly, this will appear to be merely conversation aimed at gaining expertise. However, smart listeners who are presumably on the alert for present ideas will see that they can facilitate the delivery. And you will have achieved your goal — without making rude demands.

I think Miss Manners' point is it's rude to put any conditions on gifts. To her point:

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That it should be considered rude to give a present that was not previously demanded is not only an affront to manners, but also to syntax. What else is a gift, but something that is given willingly?

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So to that point, any gift that comes across the transom at the party, IMHO, should be accepted with grace and gratitude, and then quietly put to the side.

Could the gifting be managed discreetly? I am noticing that some organizations are collecting "twonies" aka $2 coins to support an local event or cause. If anyone feels inclined to donate a gift, please consider the twonie jar. Is there a better way to phrase this as it seems kind of clumsy?

Yea ask for food or wine if you can. And enjoy it yourself or share it.

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Originally Posted by razz

Could the gifting be managed discreetly? I am noticing that some organizations are collecting "twonies" aka $2 coins to support an local event or cause. If anyone feels inclined to donate a gift, please consider the twonie jar. Is there a better way to phrase this as it seems kind of clumsy?

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I'm not sure what you mean here.

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

I'm not sure what you mean here.

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If gifting is going on and accepted within a community, try to find a way of directing the gift to keep it modest, simple to do and meeting another's need to gift.

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Originally Posted by razz

If gifting is going on and accepted within a community, try to find a way of directing the gift to keep it modest, simple to do and meeting another's need to gift.

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its nice in theory, but isnt practical a lot of times because

1) the gifter is hell bent on physical objects, it is an object or its not a fit gift in their minds

or

2) its not at all practical to direct people who are bringing small gifts to our homes--and thats where the majority of crap comes from

I think a lot of people have been raised with different "rules" and they don't feel comfortable breaking with that. So if you mother always brought a hostess gift, you might field compelled to do the same.

Another example: I was at a college reunion and one of my friends married a managing partner of a big consulting firm and her son works there. I mentioned to her that one of my former colleagues' daughters just got a part time job there, with the probability of going full time in a few months. So my friend suggested that his daughter reach out to her son. I told my colleague about it and he was very grateful.

Right after that, he said, "by the way, I have a friend who needs market research help. Can I tell her about you?" My friend is Asian and I was wondering if perhaps this kind of quid pro quo is common in Asia. In other words, would he have connected me with his friend if I hadn't connected his daughter with my friend? Did he feel obligated to do so?

I still like the attitude of the upper class Victorians: its rude to give gifts to people you don't know intimately.

ah, that we could return to that time and place.

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

I still like the artitude of the ipper class Victorians: its rude t gift people you don't know intimately.

ah, that we could refurn to that time and place.

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hear, hear!

Sadly, I finally stopped inviting people over.

They were always bringing alcohol, which I think is a fine gift to bring over to share with everyone but I always had a lot leftover. We couldn't consume that much on our own nor do we have the space for all that.
Then I had a get together to have people drink it up, specifically stating we're moving, please drink/take as you desire. Plenty of unopened bottles to choose from, too.
We had even more after that BBQ.
Sigh.

That was it for me.

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

I still like the attitude of the upper class Victorians: its rude to give gifts to people you don't know intimately.

ah, that we could return to that time and place.

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Yes, yes. I do like the idea of thanking them and setting it aside to open later. I had actually thought of that except...isn't there always an 'except'...our crowd is a particularly global crowd, from all over, and I'm not sure if doing that would offend. Several are Indian, as in from India. Not sure of their protocol of gifting. I don't really know them very well, certainly not well enough to sit them down and assure them we don't need, or want anything. But I know of at least one couple who have indicated they have a gift for us. Any Indians here who can guide me on this?
The Germans are fine with their flowers...always appreciated. And hostess gifts are also fine. Several I know always bring a bottle of wine or food. The food i put out with the other food and the wine I put out if it fits the menu or tuck back for later enjoyment. I myself never go empty handed...childhood training. But it's almost always flowers or wine.

Thing is, this is an 'occasion' type party. Our anniversary actually, and a big one at that. I wish my hubby had just invited folks to a bbq without saying what we are celebrating. We really see it as our celebration, and the way we want to spend it is with our friends. (but to be honest, we would have found another reason to have a big party anyway) Too late now of course. Hopefully the ones who plan to gift come early so we can deal with it quietly and quickly.

No, it's not a burden. Friendship is never a burden. Just a little awkward.

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Originally Posted by Dhiana

Sadly, I finally stopped inviting people over.

They were always bringing alcohol, which I think is a fine gift to bring over to share with everyone but I always had a lot leftover. We couldn't consume that much on our own nor do we have the space for all that.
Then I had a get together to have people drink it up, specifically stating we're moving, please drink/take as you desire. Plenty of unopened bottles to choose from, too.
We had even more after that BBQ.
Sigh.

That was it for me.

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I know!

We give dinner parties where I end up with more alcohol than when we started. Two friends have stopped drinking (weight control and medication are the reasons) and iris is always known for liking a bottle of red. Hence, they bring wine, but don't drink it.

and then, weve hosted big neighborhood parties where we end up with half drunk bottles of wine, and a couple of 6 packs. This, coupled with the alcohol we bought means we have too much damned alcohol, and the beer goes to sit in in our basement dor months.


We are a nation of excess.

Oh, don't get me started on the beer! The husband always buys way too much beer and several folks brings some as well. My summer fridge is always stuffed with beer. I hate that. I don't drink the stuff and certain guys shouldn't since it seems to go directly to the waist.
Thank goodness we host several big parties during the summer and fall or we'd never get rid of it.

Interesting how many people have no problem quickly purging any number of items in their homes which are no longer wanted or useful to them, but alcohol in bottles received from well-wishers warrants precious storage space and holding additional get-togethers to get rid of it. Why is that?

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Originally Posted by SteveinMN

Interesting how many people have no problem quickly purging any number of items in their homes which are no longer wanted or useful to them, but alcohol in bottles received from well-wishers warrants precious storage space and holding additional get-togethers to get rid of it. Why is that?

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I have come very close to driving the unwanted beer downtown to give out to the homeless guys hanging out in parks. I contemplate it. I haven't done it, I don't think. I've thought about it so often that it's hard to remember if I actually did that, or not!

Funny, I have no problem throwing out food. Well, liquor (spirits) lasts forever, so that's something.

WE bring either food or drink when we go to a party if we bring something and we don't every time. Our friends do the same. If we don't drink the alcohol then we do another time. Our crowd doesn't do gifts and sometimes you just go and bring nothing. It is very casual and fun. We have people over a lot and I really enjoy it. More fun then going out and cheaper. Also yu don't have to worry about tying up a table for a long time.

My BIL cannot resist free stuff. So when people (usually my parents) give me an unwanted gift, I say: "Hey, BIL... I don't want this. I think I might throw it away or donate it."

And then he says: "I don't want it or need it. But if you are just going to throw it away or give it away, then I guess I will take it."

Then it sits in his garage!

I always bring a dish (asking first), flowers or wine. I was raised that way and feel very uncomfortable going to anything but the most casual of get togethers with nothing. People are probably cursing my wine. Well, my friends? Probably not so much, lol

Here's my take (I think that your are hosting the party): Let's say I am hosting and you hand me a gift:

Peggy, it is so sweet of you to bring us a gift. I open it right then. Thank you so very much, this was very thoughtful of you and so very unexpected. We will certainly enjoy this.

It sends the message that it's unnecessary. It shows genuine appreciation. And if it's an item that can be used during this event you will see it used.

There will always be gift givers. Your other friends will hear genuine appreciation AND that they were not expected to bring a hostess gift. Everyone wins and no one has to feel bad.

We all need to be gracious receivers as well as gracious givers.

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Originally Posted by Gardnr

We all need to be gracious receivers as well as gracious givers.

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This. For some people, giving gifts is (part of) their love language. If someone is speaking to you, it's never kind to either seem like you're ignoring them or to tell them bluntly to 'shut up'.

UL: You would be doing your BIL a service if you don't tell him about the stuff you want to get rid of and just get rid of it. Otherwise you are contributing to a problem. Ugh!

Not my problem.

I would think that due to your upbringing that you should not want to contribute to the same problem for your sister and BIL. My MIL was a hoarder and never did I give her stuff I didn't want. In fact she would offer me stuff and I would take it knowing it was going right to the thrift store. Also it seems to me that they have been kind to you in many ways like living with them. It does not have to be your problem-you can choose to be kind and thoughtful.

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry

I would think that due to your upbringing that you should not want to contribute to the same problem for your sister and BIL. My MIL was a hoarder and never did I give her stuff I didn't want. In fact she would offer me stuff and I would take it knowing it was going right to the thrift store. Also it seems to me that they have been kind to you in many ways like living with them. It does not have to be your problem-you can choose to be kind and thoughtful.

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Hmmm...

That is a valid point.

My sis does not like when I give my BIL stuff because he always takes it.

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Originally Posted by SteveinMN

Interesting how many people have no problem quickly purging any number of items in their homes which are no longer wanted or useful to them, but alcohol in bottles received from well-wishers warrants precious storage space and holding additional get-togethers to get rid of it. Why is that?

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I have yet to see a charity shop with a liquor aisle :)

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Originally Posted by Dhiana

I have yet to see a charity shop with a liquor aisle :)

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True. But I would not be beyond regifting or even pouring out the contents and recycling the container.

If we get white wine or hard spirits, we generally just give it to friends. Wont drink it, why keep it. Friends have adult kids that they can give it to if they don't want to drink it. Note: This whole thing is a rare occasion in our life.

A simple thanks and put the gift aside to open later on. If you are greeting guests and doing bbq things, you have to focus on that task first. It's just a gesture of returning hospitality, they are grateful to be invited and show it with a gift.

I'd be thrilled someone took a moment to think of the hosts. I guess keep a mental note on the gift giver and return it in kind if invited to their house. Or, send a thank you note. I like old fashioned manners. It doesn't matter what it is, I believe it's the thought that counts.

It is common with our group of friends to bring wine for a small dinner party and then we consume it right then. If we get too much we save it for another function or drink it. If we have a big b-bque people will ask what they can bring and i either say nothing or let them contribute like a salad, etc. Just depends how I am feeling. WE also sometimes do potlucks where the host has the main course and then the others bring the side dishes.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions. It was a lovely party, although too cold and windy for my taste. (And in the middle of May!)
Several people did bring gifts ranging from wine/food to crystal. Fortunately, most just put them on a side table in the house and then went out to join the rest of the party. As I was buzzing in and out I peeked at them and made a point of quietly thanking the givers. Followed by a note the next day of course. (See, I really do know how to do it.)

We truly have such wonderful friends. I don't want to give the impression that I feel they or their gifts are a burden. Never. I just didn't want the 2/3rds who didn't bring gifts to feel awkward for not bringing anything. That was my only worry. I would hate for any of my friends to feel uncomfortable. Really, it never occurred to us when we invited folks to celebrate this with us that they would see it as a gift giving type occasion. It only came up when someone indicated they would be out of town but had a gift for us. This is when we realized the mistake we made and when I posted here.

Steve: Really? Pour it out? Come on...now that would truly be wasteful wouldn't it. Not to mention disrespectful to the giver.

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry

It is common with our group of friends to bring wine for a small dinner party and then we consume it right then. If we get too much we save it for another function or drink it. If we have a big b-bque people will ask what they can bring and i either say nothing or let them contribute like a salad, etc. Just depends how I am feeling. WE also sometimes do potlucks where the host has the main course and then the others bring the side dishes.

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This is the usual MO for our parties.
We have hosted many birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, etc...for friends as our place is well suited for large parties, and gifts were given at these. But gifts for the honored guests, not us. This was the first time we were celebrating our own milestone, so to speak. (we prefer our birthdays, etc be small family things)
I never turn down a bottle of wine or contributed food, but those are usually understood as a contribution to the party. Really, anymore you can't throw a party without everyone bringing some sort of food or drink. Even if you tell them to only bring an appetite, they bring food. It's pretty much the norm now. Actually I do the same thing so I can't complain. Now when we have a party I let everyone know what's on the menu. That way they know what would go food and drink wise. it also gives the heads up to any with special dietary requirements. We have a few vegetarians in the group and I usually try to have at least one 'main' dish they can eat, but I don't go overboard with this.

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Originally Posted by peggy

Steve: Really? Pour it out? Come on...now that would truly be wasteful wouldn't it. Not to mention disrespectful to the giver.

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Yes, really, pour it out. This site is chock-full of threads with people ridding their homes of 10, 30, 100 items in short periods of time. There often is advice given about accepting an undesirable gift and then re-gifting it out of that friend network or donating it to Goodwill or the like. People here seem to have no problem moving on items they don't want.

Trouble is, alcohol comes with all kinds of restrictions on where it can go. If you don't drink it and there's no one else to whom you can pass it on and Sally Anne won't take it, you're going to enshrine it in your house forever? The last resort is to empty the bottle and recycle it. Tact suggests you don't do it as soon as you get the gift. It's OK to wait.

As for "disrespectful to the giver", once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient and they get to decide what to do with it. And, again, this does not seem to be a problem for other kinds of gifts; only for booze. I don't understand that. If you don't want it in your house, it shouldn't be in your house, whether it's a bottle of Scotch or a ceramic figurine or a Popeil Pocket Fisherman.