Can DH veto anything and everything if he so chooses?
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Can DH veto anything and everything if he so chooses?
That would depend on your definition of "can". If he made me choose between the stuff and him, I would choose him. And I would be sad, angry, and resentful. Indefinitely.
We do not have a relationship of ultimatums - 20 years ago in Ohio I had to sign a permission slip for him to get a vasectomy because apparently fertility is marital property. I wanted more kids. But he did not, and as we both agreed that a person should have control over their own body, I perjured myself and signed that I wanted him to do that. I don't think he would have left me if I had refused, but i don't think it would have improved our sex life (ironic understatement)
the pressure is not bad for me. And I think the system is working. It is a "treatment" approach we have agreed on. We have set a shared goal of space we can both be happy in. We have broadly defined that goal and continue to negotiate the fine tuning. It isn't his job to tell me what I can and can't have. I am not a child, and that would not help me develop the skills I need. It is his role, as my partner, to help me face the reality of my available space and the need to make decisions., and to support and encourage me.
He is quite saintly.
Hey, he's not perfect either! Explain to me how a person with a Ph.D. That includes extensive training in thermodynamics and a job involving heat transfer cannot understand that while yes, turning the fans on to make the air move makes the house feel cooler, opening the windows when it is ten degrees hotter and far more humid outside does NOT.
ultralite, you'd have crossed the county line at "I want six kids." It's not apples and oranges, it's apples and moon landers.
Also, I am quite willing to agree that my dh is a saint compared to UA. :laff:
This is what dehoarding looks like - today I found the legs to the plastic shelf. I was looking for them this past weekend. I had not seen them in months (perhaps over a year?) Because the shelf was taken apart in the "empty the basement for construction" project.
i realize that ultralite angler can touch everything he owns in less than an hour, but when you are digging out from hoarding - having something be lost for less than a week is a big deal. Dd2's birth certificate was lost for 7 years.....
How does this make you feel?
Pretty happy. Proud of myself.
i'm working on tossing the negatives right now. That is really really hard. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. I had to take a break. I'm trying to go fast and not think about it very much.
Why does tossing the negatives bother you so?
I threw away one pound, seven ounces of negative strips. Just the negatives. The paper envelopes are getting recycled.
i kept half an archival photo box of duplicate pictures to deal with later, and the negatives from the photos dh took of ds one afternoon when ds was 4 mos old (a really good photographer with a really good camera)
i emptied a paper ream box. Then I stuck all the scrapbooking stuff that was in the wobbly pile of 10 shirt boxes into labeled file folders and put the file folders in the paper ream box. I realize I am churning, but I got rid of over a pound and a half of negatives and there is no longer a pile of shirt boxes on my work surface. (There is a pile of crushed shirt boxes that I jumped up and down on on the floor - because the recycling bin is totally full. It goes up tonight. I will clean them up tomorrow)
i feel exhausted.
we posted at the same time. Negatives - sentiment, connection to the events/people, what if something happens to the photos....
some of your posts are sad because it is so hard for you to get rid of things. However, you don't give up which I think is great and keep making progress. Hope it gets easier with time.
I think it is fantastic how you eating that elephant, even when it's difficult and wrenching. I'm hoping the cleared space helps you continue as you can.
Thank you, I think I am probably done cleaning out for the day - except carrying the trash cans and recycling to the curb. I went back down to the basement and I couldn't see any areas that seemed like I could get rid of anything. But I've been there before. Many times. I've learned to shift focus and come back to it.
teacher terry, I'm sorry if the posts are sad. Sometimes I get discouraged, but usually when I post about how hard it is to do this stuff, it's more because I want encouragement than sympathy. I mean, I am doing it. But, given the nature of this board, I want people to understand it's not like the kid who push mows your lawn said "this morning I walked up the stairs." (Yeah, good for you?) it's like your 70 y.o. Uncle who had both knees replaced told you "this morning I walked up the stairs."
the outside work is getting done, but there's a lot more inside work behind it.
Oh I have empathy for you not sympathy. I just can tell how hard you are struggling. But we all have struggles with different things and the support on this forum is great. I just keep hoping that these types of things get easier for you. But you have a great family, etc so lots to celebrate too.
CL, I just wish I could take a small bit of my own psyche and insert it into yours so that you could experience the rush of joy when a shelf is cleaned off, when a drawer is emptied, when space is made on walls.
It is a high!
Any more I get cranky when peole foist stuff off on me, but
I dont worry about the stuff I myself pull in because I know items I choose can easily be jettisoned.I actually look forward to the process! Yesterday when I put away a batch of ribbons for possible future use, I found a group of files from my job. Now I am looking forward to winter when we have a fire in the fireplace so I can burn them.
and in a year, if I havent used those ribbons,
i will toss them.
Oh, I enjoy it when I get a space cleaned out, but my reaction us more "now I can set this up the way I want it." I'm not a huge fan of empty space. My guest room feels really cold to me right now because I'm not hanging any pictures until I gave everything else done and am sure about where the furniture goes.
i really liked getting the boxes off my table because now I gave space to work, but my first response to the empty box was "now, what can I put in here so that something else works better."
my my kitchen is looking really good these days. I'm sure UL would call it crowded and cluttered, but I could go in there right now and bake bread and serve it to 6 people with tea and jam and all I would have to do first is move my notebook and grab two more chairs. There were months when it took ten minutes before we could sit down to eat takeout off the wrappers.
Do you ever feel visually overwhelmed?
It sounds like you are making good progress. I used to think empty space felt sterile but have since changed my mind. Although, I would not want to live somewhere with no pics, etc.
I feel visually overwhelmed every time I go into a mall or big box store. My eyes actually glaze over and I zone out if I'm not careful. I try to avoid going to those places alone.
Today I was exhausted.
I think this is a function of getting less than 7 hours of sleep on week nights - because of farm chores and dh work schedule, and dealing with the negatives yesterday. It's frustrating to me that stuff like that takes so much out of me.
i didn't find anything to get rid of (yet?) today. I didn't paint any boards.
I did my regular farm chores. I crushed a bag of cans, I called the trash people because they didn't pick up my recycling bin, and then after they picked it up I filled it again with piles that were waiting in different rooms. I put dd1's table runners from the wedding into a box. I talked to my mom on the phone. I moved a file cabinet, and I lay down.
when dh came home, the breakfast dishes were still in the sink, the flowers that are going by were still drooping and smelling like they need their water changed, the goats had gotten loose and were eating the landscaping, and I was asleep.
he is working on the house, but I am avoiding him because I think he's mad at me.
CL - your post touched on something I've been thinking about for a couple of days so I'm going to do a post about it... not sure where I'll put it ...
CL: you had one of those not so good days-ugh! We all have them. Your farm sounds like a lot of work.
The farm is a lot of work, but it's a labor of love.
the day got better. Dh wasn't mad at me (he was mad at the goats). Dh had some dinner and pie and we talked. He's concerned that trying to go pick up the table right now is creating too much stress in my birth family, but I told him the timing can only get worse, not better. This stuff needs to get done.
i cleaned up the kitchen and took care of the flowers, and as I was getting ready for bed, I saw the tiny pretty plastic bottle that I have added water to twice to use "the last of the lotion" and I threw it in the trash can!
Mad at the goats:~). I am too lazy to do that much work.
Posted elephant update in wrong thread
CL:
How much totally unstructured down time do you have each day?
Well, I structure my own days - so, all of it? None?
i spend about an hour with my coffee and my iPad on mornings i don't work. I have 2.5 hours of basic farm chores a day. I make dh breakfast and pack his lunch (about 30 minutes?) every weekday morning.
today my day says (in no particular order)
chores - shots
16' boards
glaze
bake pound cake (cheesecake?)
groceries, get peaches
laundry (whites!)
clean stalls
Plus dishes and general clean up and dinner.
and then there is another list for the week on the off chance I finish all those things.
This is a pretty information and especially concise article on hoarding and recovery.
http://www.statesmanjournal.com/stor...xton/85999014/
Ultralite, we all have 24 hours in a day. We all do something during each minute that makes up those hours. I have more choice about how to spend those minutes than most people on the planet. What you are really asking me is "what would your day look like if you had to give up some of your choices?" Unless you are asking "what would your day look like if your dh decided to hire a full time cook?" In which case I would sleep an extra 40 minutes on weekdays and spend a little more time on the stuff I am already doing.
i don't have a reasonable fantasy life where I should be thinking about making changes, the only things I don't want to do are cook meals and clean the house. And I would rather do those things than have one of us work more to pay someone to do them or divert money from other uses. If you gave me magic elf servants - I would still do my chores and clean the stalls. (The elves could also fetch the groceries)
i am am curious what you think this has to do with the hoarding though.
edited to add: also, according to your article, I have absolutely zero hope of recovery as I am not in therapy (alternative thought - hoarders who recover without therapy are not participating in studies. Seems reasonable as it would stem from similar personality traits)
i also don"t buy that whole "loss trigger" thing. I would agree that any trauma could worsen hoarding, and perhaps significant life events can take you from "organized hoarder who is coping" to "person whose life gets out of control enough that they lose control of their environment." (Three much wanted and loved kids can do that too)
if if we live long enough, we experience loss. And if one is a hoarder, if one lives long enough, one runs out of space.