No, you're right. That's true. Slap 'em with a prescription, usher out the door and "next!"
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No, you're right. That's true. Slap 'em with a prescription, usher out the door and "next!"
Yes, that's what I meant. Also, just not taking a depressed person's actions too personally. Not excusing them, necessarily, just not getting sucked into the negativity. I know that can be quite hard to do, but it's good to find that place where you can have some level of OK no matter what's going on around you.Quote:
I agree, it's important to keep level-headed no matter what is happening in my marriage. Is that what you meant - lol?
I agree with bae, too, about seeing a doctor.
Sorry you're having to deal with this, kitten. FWIW, a friend's BIL suddenly turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and it turned out to be diabetes.
I know your hubby has had lots of medical tests, but this behavior sure sounds like it has a medical basis. I hope there's some explanation found soon, for both your sakes.
Congrats on your book deal!
I don't have any suggestions other than what you've already been given above, but I hope things work out for you and your husband.
Marriage can be very hard at times. Having been married myself for almost 38 years I can attest to this. :) Hang in there. Examine what you may be doing negatively yourself to add to the mix - I am often guilty of this... and like others have already said, have your DH see a doctor that will get to the root of his problems. If his problem isn't physical or mental, then maybe time for marriage counseling, which can be quite helpful for some. DH and I sought marriage counseling when we had been married about 10 years. We learned how to communicate more effectively, which has been immensely beneficial for all of these years since...
And, definitely live the life you wish as he works through his medical stuff - or not. This is a talking-to I am also giving myself. My younger DH is not happy with his trajectory, and he's 43, hitting that mid-life re-evaluation. (Maybe yours is too, among other potential issues.) I cannot postpone my life while my DH catches up to his. This serves no one.
It does read like an underlying condition. With my husband, we started working with a naturopath and it's made a *massive* difference. He had all kinds of gut flora issues, and according to some new research, overgrowths of these particular colonies of bacteria release toxins that connect to both anxiety and depression behaviors.
Since he's been going through the protocols to get his gut decolonized and properly recolonized, his mood has changed *immensely!* So many things that I thought were personality or organic to his brain structure or what have you, turned out to be biochemical based on the biproducts of these bacterial overgrowths! It's truly amazing the differences.
He is still cranky sometimes? does he still get anxious? Yes. But, he's not as quick to anger AND he's also not likely to go toward his "OCD-like" tendencies (or go into a shell where nothing exists except whatever he's fixated on at the moment) which makes our relationship really challenging.
It's been about two years, and honestly, we have been under more stress in that time than ever before, and he handles it like it's *nothing* -- all since sorting his gut flora.
He still is working on a couple of protocols with her, but she even reversed his "greying hair" -- which is to say he had two grey hairs about 6 months ago, and those have likely fallen out or something because there are not grey hairs on his head anymore. :)
There's no point adding anything about him, medically, as I agree about what the others have said.
But some other points: Does he think there's a problem? Does he know that you think there's a problem? Is he fine with just being cranky with you? Does he want to feel better? Does he care if your marriage ends or continues?
As far as you: What do you do when he's in his moods? Do you call him on it? Do you sit there and take it? Leave the room? Go out? Snap back? You can only control what you do.
Do you have your own space in your house? It's nice to have somewhere to just do your own thing.
As far as marriage, yes, it's supposed to be for life, etc etc. But, let's face it, today, you CAN leave a toxic marriage. I believe in keeping my marriage going through hard times but I don't believe in putting my marriage before my soul or my mental health. If my marriage reached a point where it was ruining my life, I would leave. People also say you should put your spouse before yourself. I only feel that works up to a point. I won't put him first if doing so ruins my own psyche.
His possible illness doesn't override your right to live in a safe environment. You have to decide what you will and will not tolerate and stick to it. You need to find a way to live your own life alongside his, if he doesn't want to participate in yours.
Best of luck to you and keep us updated.
Whether there are kids or pets or major economic inequalities to address or not, ending a marriage is A Big Deal. I agree with the others that a bad marriage does not have to go on till one of you dies. And, kitten, I understand you've been in this spot a while (per your post). But you probably would not turn out not-so-DH if he was diagnosed with diabetes or anemia; if there is an underlying chemical/hormonal deficiency, it should be addressed.
DH is unlikely to want to find a new, more "aggressive" doctor at this particular point in the cycle, so, kitten, is there any way you can ride out the current dip until things get back to a more even keel so you can make a more-readily-received suggestion to address the issues between you and for him to see a doctor? Could it be that you could ask a clergyperson or doctor friend to make the suggestion? Maybe it would sound more important if DH hears it from someone else whom he respects.
Beyond that, the reaction to whatever goes on is yours. Only you can control your reaction to what's going on; in DH's case, right now he seems especially inable to do so, and that may well be tied to a medical issue or some long-underlying emotional issue he has not yet addressed. And you will not be able to "motivate" him to do anything he does not want to. All you can do is provide the stimuli that can make choosing a certain path worth his effort.
Finally, I would suggest doing a Web search for the phrase "emotional divorce". One of you (including you) may well have decided (rightly or wrongly) that this marriage cannot be saved and may already have "checked out", making it even harder to survive the troughs in a relationship.
Good luck.
Glad for the clarification. In my personal experience I have also found this to be the case, and have never found a fail-safe way to find one short of perseverence and continued networking and being willing to "dump" most other doctors along the way - kind of like dating, actually!Quote:
Originally Posted by bae