And have you left out some things that she has compromised on, as well? If only one person in a relationship has made adjustments or compromises to make the relationship work, that's an uneven partnership and eventually the person making all the concessions will resent it---maybe not right away, but at some point. Or that person will dig his/her heels in and refuse to compromise anymore, which can be just as deadly to a relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler
The dating stage is the most fun part - that giddy phase where everything is wonderful and possible, and magical. Not the best part, mind you, I think the deep contentment and satisfaction of a committed long-term relationship is the best part. But if you guys are not having fun already, when the relationship is all about fun, maybe you need to think seriously about what kind of life you both want. What are the shared activities and values that would make the relationship deeper and stronger over time? And more satisfying?
Years ago I read a book, How to Tell if Someone is the Right Person in 2 Dates or Less, or something along those lines. Basically it encourages the reader to really think seriously about what kind of life they want, what values they hold dear, what they bring to a relationship, what they desire (and don't want) in a mate, etc... By clarifying what it is that you want out of a partner, and what you have to offer as a partner, it somehow makes the whole process easier. And a lot more fun! Most people probably put more research and thought into what kind of car they want to get than what kind of person they want to spend their lives with.
If you are only doing the dates to placate her, I doubt that they will be much fun for her. It seems you would both get short-changed. What is it that draws the two of you together, that made the relationship flourish in the first place?
Unfortunately we don't really have shared activities that we are both passionate about. She is very religious. I am an atheist. She loves to watch TV. I don't even own one. She likes to go shopping. I don't. I help her in her garden sometimes, which is fun. She went fishing with me a few times this season, mostly just to put the time in together. This is a theme.Quote:
Originally Posted by watergoddess
She likes that I am polite and respectful to her. She also likes that I have an education and a steady, decent job. I can also make her laugh.Quote:
What is it that draws the two of you together, that made the relationship flourish in the first place?
try to enjoy them. Ok if one hates an activity this may never happen. But if an activity is one one doesn't mind but just doesn't think is worth the money it might. She likes to go out to eat, well maybe there are cuisines you've never tried that might be interesting (hmm never had Ethiopian food, let's give it a try ....). She likes movies, okay well this new film does look interesting (again this is unlikely to work if one hates all movies). There's a miniature golf course we haven't yet tried, it's in a nice park, so can get a nature fix ... or something.Quote:
If you are only doing the dates to placate her, I doubt that they will be much fun for her. It seems you would both get short-changed.
It's time to find a woman who has the same definition of date as you do.
This is the book I was talking about: http://www.amazon.com/Know-Someone-W.../dp/0785269045
If I remember correctly, it had a religious/faith-based aspect to it, but you can simply ignore that aspect of it. I remember feeling very "selfish" when I was defining what I wanted in a mate, but I think it's healthy to know what you need and want in a relationship. I think both people need to have a clear idea of what kind of life and partner they want to have. Personally, I feel that a good partner/mate is someone who enriches our life by being in it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler
It might be your frustration talking, but right now it seems that you don't perceive a lot of benefits in being in this relationship. I would encourage you to look deeper and find the good, so that you are not looking at this from a limited perspective. For example, if you make her laugh, that's a pretty big thing, but you listed it last. You also have not mentioned what it is that drew you to her, and what you like about her.
The book might be interesting, if it has exercises etc.. The title of course is nonsense IMO :). While one might know one doesn't want to see someone again in two dates (or one), one wont' know the right person in two dates generally, except in the rare destiny at first sight cases and that's rare.
Hey, I listed making her laugh in the top three! ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by watergoddess
I like that she rescued her dogs and that she is okay with remaining child-free. She is also physically very attractive to me.
Yeah, the title is out there. But the author talks about how if we really listen and pay attention to people, they will reveal themselves pretty quickly, in 2 dates or less apperently. I never really tested the theory, but it's true that you can tell who people are pretty quickly if you pay attention and if you are honest with yourself. Someone else said, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." I think our biggest obstacle is being clear with ourselves about what we really want (or deserve, for those of us who grew up feeling that we didn't deserve much). Once we make an intention, it's pretty easy to make decisions that align with that intention. If we are serious about it. And if we genuinely believe we deserve to take care of ourselves.Quote:
Originally Posted by ApatheticNoMore
The book does have exercises - that's what I liked about it. It's kind of a workbook on learning about yourself, what you want, what's important, what you feel you bring to a relationship (so that you value yourself and also look at your shortcomings honestly), etc... I highly recommend it.