Health and aging

There is a town not far from where I lived in Central NJ that was basically one big retirement village. Some of our friends and neighbors moved from our neighborhood there. DH and I did not find this town, Monroe, NJ, to be an attractive option for us at all. Taxes are low because there are no schools. Everyone is 55+

One of its communities, Rossmoor, has been around forever. Here is a description. I looked up single family homes in Monroe and they range from low to high for 2BR/2 baths. But again, the whole town has a creepy "Cocoon" vibe to it. Not for me.

https://www.seniorly.com/active-adul...ssmoor-village

https://www.realtor.com/realestatean...ch/Rossmoor_NJ

There was one I really liked in Beaufort, in Port Royal. It was right next to a nature sanctuary and if you could walk, you could walk to the beach. I could see living there if I had to live somewhere like that:
parris island assisted living - Bing Maps

This is the one my mom was in; see the video for photos:

Sam L. Cohen Households | Innovative Senior Living Apartments (thecedarsportland.org)

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Originally Posted by catherine

I agree, but that's life. We can always expect the unexpected, which I know is your point. In the "old days" people had heart attacks and died. Today, life can be extended ad nauseam, despite incapacitation. Is that a blessing or a curse? I prefer to plan prudently, but not to be prescriptive about decisions that might be our kids' rights to make at that point. I hope that when they tell me it's time to go to a nursing home, I will go graciously, as my mother did. Frankly, I hope I have a life-ending heart attack.

I wonder if we obsess too much about elder care. This is an industry that has been created fairly recently. Again, "in the old days" at-home elder care was taken for granted as a part of life. I'm not saying it's easy, or even possible these days, but sometimes the best things in life are hard.

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At home elder care was more a part of life for several reasons, one being many more diseases caused early death.

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Originally Posted by pinkytoe

In MIL's case, it is a horrible curse. The poor woman pays around $6500 a month for her 1-1 apartment assisted living unit and has been in the same situation for almost five years now. She never leaves her room much less her chair or bed. Aids come in multiple times a day to take her bp or give meds starting at 5am. Falls that occur about once a month when she does move around send her to the ER for yet another scan. If or when she moves up to the nursing home status, her costs will double. What an existence...

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But does your MIL mind her existence? It’s one thing for us to look inside care facilities and think “ oh nooooo! Ugh” but it is another to be a very elderly person living that life. Life activities usually get fewer, scope smaller as we get into high age numbers, but that isn’t necessarily bad.

If your MIL has always sat in front of the tv as many people do, her current life may not be much different from 10 years ago.

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Originally Posted by KayLR

The new rental for us (we like renting for the same reasons stated by Tradd) is a small 55+ community just outside city limits in a small (I think 10 houses/duplexes) loop with woods all around. It's quiet and lovely. We have one of the few single-family homes. It has a small front yard and a nice patio. We have high fencing because there is a herd of deer. Good thing because I have roses inside the patio! I'm growing herbs and tomatoes in pots.

The home is just the right size. We have a small guest room and another extra bedroom which I use as my sewing and embroidery studio. The halls are wide and would accommodate a walker or wheelchair; the master bath as well. It's single level. I've met a few of the neighbors who are friendly and fun-loving, interesting folks. I think we will be here for a while. The M-O is to keep my body well and moving so I don't have to worry about all those accommodations for a long time.

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That sounds ideal. The retirement places I'm familiar with around here are pretty austere and crowded together. Assuming my facilities were in order, a little open space and greenery would be something I would miss.

There are a lot of pay or free services for seniors wanting to live in their traditional home or a downsized version. My neighbors are in their 90's and get along just fine with a little help. We're pretty much in the 50's burbs but just a few blocks from banks, shopping, post office etc. I think one of the things that keeps the husband going is puttering around in the yard and doing some gardening. They are no doubt exceptional, but things don't necessarily end up in some sort of long term debilitating decline. I guess playing the odds one way or the other is the hard part of planning. My current thinking is, they'll have to haul me out of here on a stretcher, but that's currently up for review.

Anyone see and appreciate the animated movie, "Up". It's a fantasy story about an old widower who refuses to leave his home in the city with modern construction trying to raise it for apartments. It's a heartwarming story.

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

But does your MIL mind her existence? It’s one thing for us to look inside care facilities and think “ oh nooooo! Ugh” but it is another to be a very elderly person living that life. Life activities usually get fewer, scope smaller as we get into high age numbers, but that isn’t necessarily bad.

If your MIL has always sat in front of the tv as many people do, her current life may not be much different from 10 years ago.

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My thoughts exactly. My life is severely circumscribed at the moment, but I can still read, browse the Interwebs, communicate with friends, etc. I'm in no shape to hike the Pacific Crest Trail, but then I never was. As long as I have a functioning brain and eyesight, I'm fine.

2 years ago when I got divorced I bought a 855 sq ft condo in a secure building. It has an elevator and is walking distance to some things and a short Uber ride to others. Someone could dispose of all my belongings in a matter of a few hours. My oldest son is local and last year when we had a lot of snow storms he insisted on driving me places if I had to go out because he sets his own schedule. It’s very unusual for us to get that type of weather but he is always willing to help.

My dogs are in my will and my best friend wants them. My youngest son also can work anywhere and told me when I got divorced to buy a place with 2 bedrooms so if I ever need help he can move in. I told him if I ever need more help then cooking, cleaning, etc then I don’t want him doing it. Him and I have lived together many times and get along really well. Neither of my kids have kids and only the oldest is married so they aren’t strapped for time.

All of the women in my family lived to be quite old and took care of themselves and home until a few weeks or months before dying. If it becomes apparent that I had to go to a facility I would just stop taking my HBP, heart and asthma medication while I am still living alone and I wouldn’t live long. There’s no way I am ending my life in a facility.

I helped my mom take care of my dad for 14 years and when my mom went through numerous bouts of cancer I would fly home for weeks helping and then when out of vacation and sick leave go back to work. This was usually after surgery and then she would be able to care for herself again. She lived alone until a week before she died from cancer at 89. She was a tough determined woman.

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

I have always wondered about those step up places, about moving from independent living to assisted living to nursing care, and how all that works financially.

Fortunately, my mom in the nursing home had enough money to pay privately for it because she had insurance that covered part of it, and she was about six months away from her long-term care insurance running out when she died.

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My dad put a lot of effort into questioning the people at the 3 or 4 assisted living places he was considering. His main thing was that he wanted somewhere that would be able to care for him to the bitter end. He wanted to "die at home" even if home was just a sterile assisted living apartment. The place he ultimately chose assured him that they could. And since they had a memory-care wing that really did provide that level of full-on care it seemed believable. They assured him they had nursing staff that would be able to take care of him if his needs increased to being essentially bedridden, they could deliver meals to his apartment, etc. All for an additional fee of course. When push came to shove they proved to not be up to the task. He spent five months in the hospital and left in hospice care. Initially he went back to the assisted living place but basically all they did was bring his meals and then leave them on the kitchen counter if he was asleep. He'd wake up and they were cold and unappetizing so he wouldn't eat and went back to bed. Three days of that and we had to move him to a skilled nursing facility for the last month of his life. It was more dreary than the assisted living place by a factor of ten but at least they were actually caring for him as best could be done for his circumstances.

Like your mom our dad had the resources to pay for the nursing home. He initially was put in a shared room because that's what his insurance would pay for. I went to visit a couple of days after he got there and it was clear that he and his roommate were not getting along. I called my sister and we got him moved to a private room the next day. It was basically another $5,000/month (in 9 years ago money) and he was worried that we were being too extravagant. But he was much happier not having to deal with his roommate and the indignity of being an 85 year old dying man in a shared room. He worked hard all his life so spending some of that money to make his final month of life a little bit more tolerable was well worth it.

Ironically, my mom was sent home from the hospital (maybe to die at "home"? I was not consulted, guardians made decision without my input) and then suffered greatly, and in the last 24 hours of her life was moved again to long term nursing so died in a room she had never been in, so much for dying at "home." I would not put a lot of stock in promises that hospitals and facilties make about respecting wishes to die at home. I think she would have been much better off to stay in the hospital to die there.

frugal-one,

I hope your move went well, and the new chapter in your life will be interesting and pleasurable!

We think we will be downsizing into an apartment in 2 or 3 years.

Cent 'an!