Calling heath department on hoarding parents?

bae is right about the risks of calling the authorities in my view (although you might want to talk to Rob about the cops :)), you never know what might happen, they can use deadly force. I've called the authorities but on drug use making people 1) violent to others or another time 2) drug use and a suicide attempt. Regret that? Nah, but there was an immediate danger of course.

Even though I said my parents were hoarders it never got to the extreme you describe, which is not to say it wasn't bad, I mean there was some line that was never crossed with regard to sanitation, so no matter how messy things were, and how much junk there was, dishes got cleaned etc.. No pet pee etc., although most of the time growing up their were no pets either.

I don't recognize most of the descriptions of what motivates hoarders in my parents so I really think it's all BS :). Ok, ok, what applies to some people might not apply to others, I know. Love of stuff? Nah. But thinking stuff might be useful someday? Yea. Attachment to some distant past with a great loss? Not really, but some level of minor depression perhaps (maybe some people's very lives feel like a loss). But more just a feeling of overwhelm and hopelessness about the whole thing. A feeling of complete failure as a human being for being unable to keep the place clean whenever thinking about it (I suppose akin to what some very overweight and unhappy people might feel when they step on the scale), and a feeling of immensity of the task ahead. I think the feeling of failure of being unable to keep something clean has a gender component, like it's worse if you're a woman, because even when they appear liberated, many women secretly grew up thinking it was their job. If the place wasn't clean it wasn't really both partners fault ....

Do I obsess on my parents hoarding? No. You know why? Because they were so completely messed up in other ways, that hoarding was really a very small component of their messed up-ness! I don't mean they were bad really but .....

First of all, I am so sorry you and your sister had to grow up like that. I wonder if CPS had gotten involved, would your parents have shaped up (probably not without medication and therapy) or would you and you sister been taken out? Would that have been for the best or could you have been separated and placed in different foster homes? At any rate, you were a kid, you deserved all the things that went along with being a kid and you in no way got them, I am very sorry for that.

2 thoughts- hoarding compulsion has been in the DSM V since 2013, it is considered a mental disorder. So they should qualify for therapy and meds under their health insurance. In NY, if insurance covers any medical disease they have to cover mental health disorders the same, same number of visits allowed at same co-pay as seeing a primary, I believe this to be national, not sure. Second- do you have any emotional closeness, do you chat, go places with them, visit (not out of obligation) regularly? If you get nothing but negative feelings and intense stress from your relationship, going beyond the hoarding you alluded to, I would say there is no shame in walking away. I would leave your number for emergencies, an explanation that this dynamic is not healthy for you and you are done, I'd give the name of someone to call if they are open to help, then turn around, walk away and start putting the energy you had to put into them, into making your own life as happy and healthy as possible. This does not make you cold or cruel, call once a month if doing so is healthy for you, they failed you on what sounds like every level. Even if they are sick, one of them was probably on the ball enough at various times to realize they were sucking at parents and needed help. And at those lucid times, they took no action, I would guess. If you do not want these two relationships, it is 100% ok. Time for you to excise the bad, take in the good and create that simple life you've been talking about.

Ultralite, Sorry to read about your experiences growing up---truly awful, and you have reason to feel angry and betrayed by your parents. At the same time, there is a saying that roughly states, "Revenge is like drinking poison and expecting the other guy to die." Plus, even if you called the authorities and they condemned the home and forced your parents to leave, would you really get any satisfaction? You still wouldn't get what you probably would want or deserve. You would not, of course, get your childhood and adolescence back. But it would also be very unlikely that you would get an apology or admission that they had wronged you in any way. I doubt they are capable of that kind of self-reflection. So what's the point? I agree with others' comments about just letting go and getting on with your own life.

If you're concerned about their safety or anyone else's, then by all means look into what resources are available and let the appropriate agencies deal with it. It sounds like your parents have severe mental issues.

Jake:
I realized that my subconscious had been mulling over your story all day, and tonight my thoughts began to crystalize and I had to respond.
I've told you something of my own childhood, and while it certainly wasn't as severely bad as yours, there were some definite similarities. The whole couldn't date, couldn't have people over - oh yes, that was my life as well. I actually didn't even know that people went out and did stuff until after high school.
The mental health issues are luckily being currently medicated, I think, but they weren't when I was a kid. There were incidents.

One of the big things, which you didn't explicitly state, but is abundantly clear from your story, is how you couldn't count on your parents at all. I've so been there. I usually felt like the third parent - all the worry and responsibility, with none of the rights. It's hard to be a kid when it seems that the adults around you are incompetent.

There's something about having parents who didn't have your back that twists up your psyche. My sister (8 years younger) and I have been discussing this in the last year, as the abuse she suffered was brought back to the surface recently, and we really hadn't ever talked about our experiences before. We realized that we shared similar issues such as dreams/nightmares of parental indifference - the ones where you are being kidnapped or are injured and they just don't care at all. There were real life instances of this as well for her. I just became super independent and detached. She bore a greater burden of abuse. I wasn't able to protect her.

Anyway as we became teens/young adults, another similarity we experienced was that we didn't feel we deserved anything (like even basic legal things, like not to be assaulted) or had any right to get what we wanted or needed. We discussed it recently mostly in terms of abusive and inappropriate relationships, and things of that nature. Our mother is like the supreme anti-feminist. We grew up with the impression that we'd be lucky to have any guy pay any attention to us at all, so if one did we'd better just take that, regardless of how we were treated, or how much we hated the guy. (It wasn't until my 20s that I realized I had a right to like and choose a guy I dated.) But I'm sure it affected us in other ways, too - my avoidance of university for example, my fear of being noticed or being assertive in anyway.

This stuff can affect your life so much. And whereas I can mostly avoid, and my sister can be completely estranged, you have an ongoing situation which must weigh on you heavily. I don't know what the solution is. People say counselling but I'd be hypocritical to strongly recommend that as I've avoided it myself.

But sometimes it can help to just realize that your childhood may be holding you back in your adult life - making you feel unworthy of good things, making you feel that you need to settle for whatever, and shouldn't be discontent or strive for more, because you don't have a right to be happy, you feel that you don't have any power, that you're not the type of person who does whatever it is that the ideal you would be doing. (Actually that Playing Big book is kind of along those lines.)

I know this is super long and personal. Just my rambling thoughts on the topic. I could have shared this privately, but although I'm addressing your situation, I know other people have similar bad childhoods and maybe writing this openly will be helpful for someone. At least knowing that they aren't the only one who didn't have the cliche happy childhood may be some comfort. Sadly that does tends to make me feel a bit better about my background.

Kestra +1. You are not alone. This is bringing up a lot of stuff for me.

Kestra, my parents are not hoarders, but so much of what you wrote resonates with me also, particular the having to settle because no one would want me, not wanting to draw attention, the parental indifference. Thank you for sharing your story. I was told I was too loud, and too smart and boys wouldn't like me unless I pretended to be someone else who wasn't smart. I had a mother who was so wrapped up in impressing people - sometimes ones she didn't even know- that she ignored the needs in her own family. I learned very early not to ask for anything. I went without a lot of basics so that my mother could have Hummels and new furniture every few years. When I brought some of this up as an adult, my mother's response was "well you didn't ASK". Ironically, now that my mother is in her 80's, she's trying to unload a lot of these purchases and no one in the family is interested in them. I heard her say "why did I spend money on all this?"

I appreciate your honesty, Jake. My experience was similar in some regards. My childhood was chaotically alcoholic. While my mother wasn't a hoarder, she just devoted herself to trying to get my dad to stop drinking, and so everything else was neglected--housekeeping, meals, laundry, etc. I, too, suffered from the fear that friends would stop by (which, of course, they didn't), or fear that I would come home from school to find my parents yelling, with all the shades drawn, leaving my brothers and I to have cereal for dinner. I never, ever thought my mother was alcoholic, too, but my aunt (my father's sister) has lately been trying to thrust upon me, after all these years, the fact that my mother was the alcoholic who got my father to start drinking--(kind of like Days of Wine and Roses in a gender reversal). I don't know why at this point in her life she has to upend my perception of my mother as being the sober, long-suffering wife, but anyway, maybe that does account for why my home was SO chaotic.

However, my mother was the one with the moment of clarity when I was about 12 and she divorced my father--a really taboo move back in the 60s, esp if you were Catholic, which we were. But I swear to God it was like the black veil of death being lifted, and I had an astoundingly happy high school life (since most kids hate high school, I guess that's the silver lining of having a childhood that sucks by comparison).

I have always advised people who "stay together for the kids" NOT to do them ANY favors. Honestly. I thank God and my mother every day for her courage.

But in terms of what you express, I think you've gotten very wise words. Yes, put their lives behind you and get on with your own. Follow your own bliss. And try to be forgiving, as hard as it might be, because resentment will eat you alive.

As far as counseling, I would have to agree that it's not for everyone. However, if you should decide to pursue it, try to get a good referral. Just as in any profession or vocation, there are good and bad psychologists and counselors. I personally would find a Psy.D. or Ph.D. in Psychology, due to the advanced training and techniques that they can employ. Even then, you need to watch out for those who have you come in every week (or even more than once a week) and air your grievances without challenging any of those or providing concrete examples of how to change the negative thinking into something more productive. Some will just keep you coming back indefinitely, and there is some relief at the time having a listening ear--but you don't move forward that way. In fact, a good psychologist should challenge some of your thoughts and make you examine them more closely. They also can employ various homework assignments or do some testing in the office to help clarify a course of treatment/counseling. If I were to consult a psychologist, I would ask early on how many sessions he/she felt I would need, as that would be an indication of an intent to be more than a sounding board and that they will do their job and give you the tools to deal with your issues from childhood.

I don't believe everyone needs counseling to move past family of origin issues, but I also know that some benefit immensely. I have worked with and around psychologists and psychiatrists for many years and seen both the good and the bad. If you find a good one, he/she can be remarkably effective. OTOH, I have never personally engaged the services of one and believe that many people can be aware enough to manage on their own. Or, maybe just a few sessions to provide some ideas on how to cope and even thrive.

Apropos of this thread, I found this interesting NPR article on "what constitutes 'elderly'"

http://www.npr.org/2013/03/12/174124...who-is-elderly

I don't mind being called old--like "fat" it's a simple descriptor; "elderly" is something else. It indicates a certain feebleness.