Hold me back from saying what I feel

I am involved in a quilt guild. I recently learned of a family where the father died, leaving the mom to raise four small children. The apartment next door to them had a fire and they lost everything to water/ smoke damage. I asked my quilt group to help me make quilts for the kids, who are currently staying with relatives but will move next month. I got the materials, and several friends donated batting etc. and chipped in for the fabric.

Well iI sent an email asking my fellow quilters to join us in a sewing bee day. I got wonderful responses, except one woman ranted about how she and several others were talking and they did not want her money spent on charities, people should not have four kids unless they can support them. Really hateful stuff.

I was was so tempted to share her email, but held myself back. I haven't responded to her yet. Talk about mean and ignorant.

Maybe reading her mean-spirited rant would make the good-hearted quilters even more determined to help. I know that's how it would motivate me. And she's shown herself for what she is. Bonus.

(It would be interesting to know who agreed with her, but I notice that kind of person often says they have a big posse without much proof...)

I make quilts for children as a donation. I would not give anything that I would not gift to someone I know and love. Am always amazed at fellow quilters (not all of course) that say "it is good enough", "they dont need anything any better", etc. Some give wonderful fabric and some give scraps I would not use for a dog bed.

Just as the world is full of all kinds of people, quilters are all different kinds of people. I am sure the churches are full of them also and they probably think they are religious. Most just need to be ignored or have a one time direct comment made to them.

If you need to write her back, I think I'd just say "I'm sorry, I can't" is fine. Please don't feel you need to explain.

Or "thank you for responding, I'm sorry you feel that way."

But really, unless I had a relationship with her, I'd just ignore her.

I've always wondered about people like this. Personally I'm all for ZPG, but these kids are already here for heaven's sake. Should or shouldn't have kids is really no longer the point, how self righteous do you have to be not to help send them warm blankets. >:(

That said, I agree with the Chicken Lady ... I think all you can possibly do by "shedding light on this" is escalate a potential rift in your group. If you want them out, this is a good time to do it, and if not, smile calmly, roll your eyes a little and send a double set of quilts.:moon:

I'd delete and move on.

I assume from your post that you aren't friends with her beyond just that she's in the quilting group. In that case I'd just hit delete and move on. There are a lot of mean, selfish people in the world and now you know that she's one of them. Confronting her, outing her, whatever, isn't going to do anything except create drama and potentially a rift in the group.

Gosh, I think I might give her a call and just sweetly ask if she'd had a chance to read your entire message? just because you're sure she realizes no one knows that their husband will die and leave them with 4 kids to raise alone, and certainly no one plans for the apartment next door to catch fire, and you're sure she'd appreciate some quilts if the same thing had happened to her family...

Otherwise, just delete it and move on; it must have gotten lost in cyberspace.

I will definitely not hold you back from saying what you feel.
That's just abominable!

I agree with mschisgo2 that face-to-face verbal may be the way to go as it is much easier for many people to hide behind a keyboard and blast out their absurdities. I'd like to see her own that bunch of hogwash in person.
I would respond to her RSVP according to etiquette - 'Thank you for letting me know you won't be there'... or whatever.
Then in next in person encounter I might say, "I've got to tell you I was blown away by your response to making quilts for the children whose father died and the apartment next door burnt down." or however you want to phrase it.

I guess you need to think about what your end game is - Do you need to say it so it doesn't drive you crazy? Do you feel that in this one doable instance you need to set the record straight?

She sounds like a total toxic loon. Proceed with caution.

I guess the Delete and Move On advice is probably really the best.

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Originally Posted by flowerseverywhere

I am involved in a quilt guild. I recently learned of a family where the father died, leaving the mom to raise four small children. The apartment next door to them had a fire and they lost everything to water/ smoke damage. I asked my quilt group to help me make quilts for the kids, who are currently staying with relatives but will move next month. I got the materials, and several friends donated batting etc. and chipped in for the fabric.

Well iI sent an email asking my fellow quilters to join us in a sewing bee day. I got wonderful responses, except one woman ranted about how she and several others were talking and they did not want her money spent on charities, people should not have four kids unless they can support them. Really hateful stuff.

I was was so tempted to share her email, but held myself back. I haven't responded to her yet. Talk about mean and ignorant.

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Not enough information.
The father died, ok, but did he leave insurance and this is just a recent death, that then the fire happened of has he been dead several years, etc?
Do they have renters insurance and this is just a giving the kids warm blankets thing, or are they down and out? The kids are staying with relatives, what about the mother? Where are they moving?

Any idea why she ranted? Is she, herself having difficulties? Has family that won't support their own kids (seen that before)? This also reads like she got mad and finally learned how to say no, as you say her and others were spending her money. Who are the others? (might be benefical to you so you keep them off asking lists)

If you decided to share her email, it should be redacted somewhat (missing her email address, identifying information). You could do both a survey to find out who feels that way and explain that you would like a tactful no thank you, rather then deal with all the beliefs of the person. (not a facebook user but that would be one place I would expect to see something like that)
I am ignorant here because I don't have enough facts. She might be as well.
Mean, well that just may be how life experience has dumped on her, and she hasn't learned there are other ways to deal.

How much drama do you need in your life right now

I'm with those who say just delete and move on.

It sounds like what's important here is that you want to do a generous thing for the family, which is great. Do that with the people who have the same positive urge and enjoy. No need to spend any time or energy on nonsense. As others have said, people like that woman are everywhere and always will be. Just appreciate doing your kind act with other like-minded folks. Getting into drama with her isn't going to lead to anything constructive, so let it be.

Thanks for letting me vent. I ignored the whole thing. But she came today when we were sewing to express her opinion. Talk about toxic. I went on doing what I was doing and several members clarified things. The president of the group politely told her perhaps she should find a new group if she did not like how ours was run.

How sad to live your life like that.

The group works well when things like this can be "taken care of". Appears most of you in agreement.

It is a lot of fun to make things for others, especially children. I have issues about "Christmas families and presents" due to huge problems at work around this issue but making quilts for kids makes me feel good and I do it all year long.

This is one of my favorite patterns. I can whip out a twin size top with no waste in around 4 hours. The sizes are very flexible. You just need three strips of equal size from each fabric. Some of mine are 5 inches and some can be 7 inches. There just need to be three equal ones.

https://baywindowquiltshop.files.wor...s-the-spot.pdf

I have made it in sports, racing, jungle, and other "theme" prints and stretch them by adding tone on tone or solids that somehow go with the theme prints. One I called Costa Rica because it had bright jungle prints with lizards and green leaf prints. It was really bright and happy. A half yard of a theme fabric can bring a lot of other fabrics together.

What an unhappy person to act that way. Glad your group is compassionate. I make scarfs for the homeless every year. Sometimes I buy yarn & sometimes people donate it to me. That poor family certainly did not plan any of those horrible events.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by flowerseverywhere

Thanks for letting me vent. I ignored the whole thing. But she came today when we were sewing to express her opinion. Talk about toxic. I went on doing what I was doing and several members clarified things. The president of the group politely told her perhaps she should find a new group if she did not like how ours was run.

How sad to live your life like that.

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Not only did she not want to help, she was bothered by other people wanting to help??? I just, umm... wow. I guess I'm not even sure what to say to that. Glad to hear that she seems to be an outlier in the group.

it sounds like you have a great group there, i am glad the president was willing to say something so the toxic stuff does not need to go unchecked. there is ignoring it and then there is a point to put a stop to it.

i know i like making homemade gifts especially for those who are struggling in any way. i generally think about them as i work, or beneficial thoughts in general. it is pretty hard to be grumpy when you are making a gift. i think that energy goes with the item you make and i am sure the family will appreciate it. my brother lost his home in a fire 2 years ago, they had insurance to replace everything so i give them things like christmas ornaments and crochet kitchen items that you need to collect. they seem to like the ornaments a lot.

Thanks for the pattern link Sweetana. I have a huge stack of 2.5" strips people gave to me, we could easily see them that way.

Wonderful idea deal about scarves for the homeless. The ornament idea post fire is great too.

I think I was so upset because I felt like she was personally attacking me. Unfortunately we are in a climate of hate towards immigrants, poor people and people with many children among others. It is fueled by all the hateful cyber bullying, talk show hosts and media spin out there. Sometimes I get awful emails forwarded to me, and when I check them out on snopes they have been circulating since 2002 or so. I ask people not to send me those but occasionally one slips through.
There are some people who make poor decision after poor decision and expect someone else to bail them out. But there are so many out there who are trying to work hard, better themselves and make a better life for their children. Some people are mentally ill as well. unfortunately this woman is missing out on so much life has to offer. I hope she does not come back. If I had taken the bait and responded to her The way I wanted to I would have been no better than her.

I'm glad you are doing this good work, flowers...I know a group who does this too. They give small, twin quilts to foster kids. They often hear how much they love them because sometimes it's the only thing the child has ever had new and belonged to only him or her.

Glad you and your group got it solved. Now she can go join those "others" who get to use her stuff.

Kay, we do that too. It is fun and fulfilling. Jp1, she was upset because she thought we were using her dues to pay for the fabric, when in fact it was donated.