How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?

My girlfriend says she feels "deprived" of going on dates. She wants two "real" date nights a month. I agreed to this.

She wants to do things that I consider pricey, especially since it costs about $20 just to drive to her house and back from my place. Throw in a meal at a restaurant ($30, give or take) and an activity (movie, mini-golf, museum, whatever she wants -- and that is another $30, give or take) and we are up to $80; or more not counting driving to where ever the restaurant and activities are, which could push things over the $100 mark.

This is $200 a month or $2400 a year -- that could be a lot of money going into my IRA or an emergency fund!

I am not sure what to do...

Thoughts?

Have her pay her own way; it's only fair.

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Originally Posted by JaneV2.0

Have her pay her own way; it's only fair.

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I am not sure she'd consider that a date. Though she'd probably offer to treat me perhaps 25% of the time.

Even if she did pay her own way each time, that would still add up to a good chunk of change for me to pay for myself.

I thought dates were supposed to be mutually enjoyable events.

You sound resentful already. Why are you doing only things she likes to do?
Do you two do any date activities that you both like to do?

Or maybe it's time for a new girlfriend?

Most people enjoy activities that cost some money--at least occasionally. Good luck finding a woman that only enjoys quiet nights at home or walks in the park. I'm sure they're out there.

But I'm a firm believer in people paying their own way.

You're on the verge of telling her that you value your money more than you value her. I'd suggest you get out of the relationship now and give her a chance to find a better pairing.

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Originally Posted by Dhiana

I thought dates were supposed to be mutually enjoyable events.

You sound resentful already. Why are you doing only things she likes to do?
Do you two do any date activities that you both like to do?

Or maybe it's time for a new girlfriend?

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Resentful? I wouldn't go that far. I am concerned about the costs and somewhat annoyed that she is not that concerned about my financial situation.

She is significantly older than me and well-established in her career. She make about $20k more a year than me, plus she has a defined benefit pension plan, a 401 k, a traditional IRA, and a Roth IRA. She also contributes to Social Security. I basically have a 401k and a tiny Roth IRA (they add up to about $15k -- all I have saved for retirement!).

I am doing what she likes to do because what I like to do would not be considered a date. I like to go fishing, ride my bike, cook food together, and take part in community organizations -- stuff like that.

In order to make room in my budget for the dates I am going to go fishing much less, probably much, much less. That is the place in my expenses with the most room to wriggle.

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Originally Posted by JaneV2.0

Most people enjoy activities that cost some money--at least occasionally. Good luck finding a woman that only enjoys quiet nights at home or walks in the park.

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I know. This is why I agreed to the date nights.

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Have her pay her own way; it's only fair.

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I agree. Although sometimes in my mind I think maybe a woman should only pay 70 or whatever it is% of her way, that is what women earn for doing the same job as men :) Oh really, I'm not that dour and political to go on a date with, it's just a private chuckle of mine. But there's if you've initially met (initial dates) where if might make a man feel gentlemanly to treat (really I don't fight a man to wear the pants, even though I usually wear pants :)), and when your already in a full blown relationship where I really think it should be more equal (except on her birthday, your anniversary of meeting maybe etc. where it might be nice to treat)

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Even if she did pay her own way each time, that would still add up to a good chunk of change for me to pay for myself.

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yea your dealing with basic incompatibilities there, not necessarily fatal ones but I'm not sure what can be done but compromise. If people like some things that cost money: plays, museums, even botanical gardens, zoos, day trips that cost some admission or at least gas and you don't .... And none of those things by themselves are super expensive, but they aren't free. I guess you can try substitute activities, try making a nice dinner instead of going out, making it oneself or making it together (even then it might not be as cheap as the PB&J one would have made oneself - well it isn't the single life I guess). Try watching a movie at home (of course this doesn't help if one doesn't' own a t.v.! - I don't own one either btw, and has only a tiny computer screen). You could try to get her into cheap hobbies like fishing or maybe camping, but it might not take, and if someone really likes some cultural activity they might just do fishing on top of that even if it does!

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

I am not sure she'd consider that a date. Though she'd probably offer to treat me perhaps 25% of the time.

Even if she did pay her own way each time, that would still add up to a good chunk of change for me to pay for myself.

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This seems like an excellent arena in which to work out compromises acceptable to both of you, to see if this is going to be a relationship that works for both of you!

One idea is to meet and date in the middle somewhere?

At least you guys can figure out what unspoken assumptions are going on, and whether your assumptions and her assumptions mesh comfortably!

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Originally Posted by ApatheticNoMore

I agree. Although sometimes in my mind I think maybe a woman should only pay 70 or whatever it is% of her way, that is what women earn for doing the same job as men.

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If a woman explained this to me, especially at the beginning on first dates and such, I would agree to these terms for obvious reasons.

I say, let her pay for the whole date. Why is the man the one who always has to pay? If she's really into going out, tell her you'd love to accept her offer to take you out. She makes more than you, and that's what she's into. So be it.

Then, on her birthday, or some random time, I'd surprise her and take her to a really nice place, your treat. That would be far less than $2400.

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Originally Posted by Alan

You're on the verge of telling her that you value your money more than you value her. I'd suggest you get out of the relationship now and give her a chance to find a better pairing.

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I don't think that is it. What I am saying is that I think she and I could have as much fun and romance by spending very little money -- or even no money. Cooking together is romantic. Walks in the park are romantic. Great conversation is romantic. Doing silly dances to P-Funk at home is fun. Riding bikes is fun.

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

I don't think that is it. What I am saying is that I think she and I could have as much fun and romance by spending very little money -- or even no money. Cooking together is romantic. Walks in the park are romantic. Great conversation is romantic. Doing silly dances to P-Funk at home is fun. Riding bikes is fun.

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But can you see that maybe you are defining and controlling the relationship, saying what is romantic and what is not? Maybe to her, these things are not fun.

She's entitled to her idea of what she wants in a romantic relationship, as are you. You both are. But you may not find it together.

Perhaps you are finding out that at some level, you are not very compatible. The title of your thread indicates you want to change her, and I'm not sure that ever works.

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Originally Posted by rodeosweetheart

But can you see that maybe you are defining and controlling the relationship, saying what is romantic and what is not? Maybe to her, these things are not fun.

She's entitled to her idea of what she wants in a romantic relationship, as are you. You both are. But you may not find it together.

Perhaps you are finding out that at some level, you are not very compatible. The title of your thread indicates you want to change her, and I'm not sure that ever works.

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Good points. Ahh... I guess it was wishful thinking.

I have found that if I change, my relationships last longer. So in this case, I am planning to give her the pricey dates she wants doing things I am usually not interested in.

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

Good points. Ahh... I guess it was wishful thinking.

I have found that if I change, my relationships last longer. So in this case, I am planning to give her the pricey dates she wants doing things I am usually not interested in.

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Okay, and also, why don't you try to find some meet ups for fly fishing folk (very alliterative!) because maybe you have not met the girl of your dreams. . .

(It makes me sad you have to cut back on what you love to do.)

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

I don't think that is it. What I am saying is that I think she and I could have as much fun and romance by spending very little money -- or even no money. Cooking together is romantic. Walks in the park are romantic. Great conversation is romantic. Doing silly dances to P-Funk at home is fun. Riding bikes is fun.

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I agree with Alan.

YOU find these activities fun and romantic. To some women out there they are.
To your current girlfriend, it sounds like they are not.

I 100% agree with rodeosweetheart! Imagine it the other way around. Suppose she has been asking her friends how to convince you that you really don't need to go fishing and has a list of reasons why it isn't practical or fun? You are both entitled to your preferences and opinions, but not to impose them on each other. Compromise is great, though. If one is not willing to compromise in any way regarding their lifestyle then a serious relationship probably isn't going to happen. If your main objection is financial and you have determined that you really can't afford to pay for what she is asking, then you could be frank with her and say you just can't afford it. Maybe she would feel it was worth it to pay herself. However, you need to know whether you will be thinking about what a waste of money it is each time you go out on one of those dates. If so, then you're not going to enjoy it and eventually it will erode the relationship.

Thinking back to my dating days, I was a pretty cheap date because I didn't have a lot financially when I was younger. However, I remember when it occurred to me that I should make sure to not start a pattern of doing something that I wouldn't be willing to continue to do indefinitely---so I consciously made sure that the "dating me" was the same as the "everyday me," if that makes sense. That meant that as soon as I could see something was a real deal breaker for me, I would immediately break it off with that person, which I believe was kinder to both of us than to continue when I could see we had no future as a couple. I have now been happily married to the same man for decades, but I did have a near-miss before that when I was carried away by my attraction and enjoyment of the company and attention of someone who, fortunately, I realized wasn't a good match for me. Great guy, just not a good match.

So if you really are contemplating how you can change this woman, maybe you're not a good match? Of course, you might not be considering a serious or long-term relationship, but you still need to be honest with yourself and with her.

Let me use a bit of hyperbole to explain how Alan's assertion that I value money over her does not hold water.

Suppose my gf said: "I want to take a weekend date every weekend to Cancun, Mexico otherwise I am deprived of proper dates."

Would anyone then say: "Well, unless you take her to Cancun every weekend you are telling her you value money more than her."?

Any takers for that rationale now?

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

Let me use a bit of hyperbole to explain how Alan's assertion that I value money over her does not hold water.

Suppose my gf said: "I want to take weekend date every weekend to Cancun, Mexico otherwise I am deprived of proper dates."

Would anyone then say: "Well, unless you take her to Cancun every weekend you are telling her you value money more than her."?

Any takers for that rationale now?

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I think what Alan is saying is that a little compromise is called for. Every relationship has to give and take a little. She goes out on a boat with you, and you treat her to a relatively inexpensive night out. If you want to "change her" out of what she genuinely feels is fun, and I personally don't disagree with her, maybe you need to look for someone that's a closer match for you. In this scenario, your inability to compromise suggests that you value $2400 over her (not the hypothetical scenario you have set up).

Or, ask her to pay for it, in which case she just MAY come to the same conclusion Alan did, unless you come up with a good case for what SHE has to gain by YOU stashing your money in a 401k.

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Originally Posted by catherine

I think what Alan is saying is that a little compromise is called for. Every relationship has to give and take a little. She goes out on a boat with you, and you treat her to a relatively inexpensive night out. If you want to "change her" out of what she genuinely feels is fun, and I personally don't disagree with her, maybe you need to look for someone that's a closer match for you. In this scenario, your inability to compromise suggests that you value $2400 over her (not the hypothetical scenario you have set up).

Or, ask her to pay for it, in which case she just MAY come to the same conclusion Alan did.

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Okay, I see.

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

Let me use a bit of hyperbole to explain how Alan's assertion that I value money over her does not hold water.

Suppose my gf said: "I want to take a weekend date every weekend to Cancun, Mexico otherwise I am deprived of proper dates."

Would anyone then say: "Well, unless you take her to Cancun every weekend you are telling her you value money more than her."?

Any takers for that rationale now?

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I've already responded at length above. But of course your scenario is quite different. However, I'm assuming that most of us could not afford either the time or the money to meet that request so it would be a case of being unable, not unwilling, to do so. You indicated above that you could manage it financially but that you might have to sacrifice some of the time that you enjoy doing something else. So you get to choose which is more important (i.e, which you value more) to you. In your case maybe you would have understood this better if he had said that you are telling her you enjoy fishing more than time with her. You can have both, but you might have to both compromise. Try to understand her point of view for a change instead of trying to solve this issue by only considering your preferences.

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

Let me use a bit of hyperbole to explain how Alan's assertion that I value money over her does not hold water.

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Dude, you started this thread and titled it: "How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?". You not only placed emphasis on price, but you went on to add it all up to an annual dollar figure. You imply that you want to be with her, but you don't want to pay the price, which you've noted as $2400. How should we take that?

After reading the responses here and taking them into consideration, I'll take her on the dates as she desires. That seems like the best option to keep her happy, keep the relationship from falling apart, and to keep her from getting the idea that I would rather have a better funded retirement.

I suppose I started this thread out of frustration resulting from my sticker-shock of date costs.

If I cut about 50% of my fishing out and cut a few other corners here and there I won't notice the money gone from the dates. Seems like a reasonable compromise.

You already resent her. You already assume that she is the one who should change. Go fishing.

I have purposefully left out the major things I have changed/compromised on that I wanted.

I don't think I ever added up the financial cost of any relationship, ever. Probably why I'm not rich. :idea:

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Originally Posted by JaneV2.0

I don't think I ever added up the financial cost of any relationship, ever. Probably why I'm not rich. :idea:

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I hear ya.

You already know how this will end.

Dump her and flee to Bolivia.

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Originally Posted by bae

You already know how this will end.

Dump her and flee to Bolivia.

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Ain't gonna lie, I loled at that!

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

I have purposefully left out the major things I have changed/compromised on that I wanted.

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And have you left out some things that she has compromised on, as well? If only one person in a relationship has made adjustments or compromises to make the relationship work, that's an uneven partnership and eventually the person making all the concessions will resent it---maybe not right away, but at some point. Or that person will dig his/her heels in and refuse to compromise anymore, which can be just as deadly to a relationship.

The dating stage is the most fun part - that giddy phase where everything is wonderful and possible, and magical. Not the best part, mind you, I think the deep contentment and satisfaction of a committed long-term relationship is the best part. But if you guys are not having fun already, when the relationship is all about fun, maybe you need to think seriously about what kind of life you both want. What are the shared activities and values that would make the relationship deeper and stronger over time? And more satisfying?

Years ago I read a book, How to Tell if Someone is the Right Person in 2 Dates or Less, or something along those lines. Basically it encourages the reader to really think seriously about what kind of life they want, what values they hold dear, what they bring to a relationship, what they desire (and don't want) in a mate, etc... By clarifying what it is that you want out of a partner, and what you have to offer as a partner, it somehow makes the whole process easier. And a lot more fun! Most people probably put more research and thought into what kind of car they want to get than what kind of person they want to spend their lives with.

If you are only doing the dates to placate her, I doubt that they will be much fun for her. It seems you would both get short-changed. What is it that draws the two of you together, that made the relationship flourish in the first place?

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Originally Posted by watergoddess

The dating stage is the most fun part - that giddy phase where everything is wonderful and possible, and magical. Not the best part, mind you, I think the deep contentment and satisfaction of a committed long-term relationship is the best part. But if you guys are not having fun already, when the relationship is all about fun, maybe you need to think seriously about what kind of life you both want. What are the shared activities and values that would make the relationship deeper and stronger over time? And more satisfying?

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Unfortunately we don't really have shared activities that we are both passionate about. She is very religious. I am an atheist. She loves to watch TV. I don't even own one. She likes to go shopping. I don't. I help her in her garden sometimes, which is fun. She went fishing with me a few times this season, mostly just to put the time in together. This is a theme.

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What is it that draws the two of you together, that made the relationship flourish in the first place?

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She likes that I am polite and respectful to her. She also likes that I have an education and a steady, decent job. I can also make her laugh.

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If you are only doing the dates to placate her, I doubt that they will be much fun for her. It seems you would both get short-changed.

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try to enjoy them. Ok if one hates an activity this may never happen. But if an activity is one one doesn't mind but just doesn't think is worth the money it might. She likes to go out to eat, well maybe there are cuisines you've never tried that might be interesting (hmm never had Ethiopian food, let's give it a try ....). She likes movies, okay well this new film does look interesting (again this is unlikely to work if one hates all movies). There's a miniature golf course we haven't yet tried, it's in a nice park, so can get a nature fix ... or something.

It's time to find a woman who has the same definition of date as you do.

This is the book I was talking about: http://www.amazon.com/Know-Someone-W.../dp/0785269045

If I remember correctly, it had a religious/faith-based aspect to it, but you can simply ignore that aspect of it. I remember feeling very "selfish" when I was defining what I wanted in a mate, but I think it's healthy to know what you need and want in a relationship. I think both people need to have a clear idea of what kind of life and partner they want to have. Personally, I feel that a good partner/mate is someone who enriches our life by being in it.

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

Unfortunately we don't really have shared activities that we are both passionate about. She is very religious. I am an atheist. She loves to watch TV. I don't even own one. She likes to go shopping. I don't. I help her in her garden sometimes, which is fun. She went fishing with me a few times this season, mostly just to put the time in together. This is a theme.



She likes that I am polite and respectful to her. She also likes that I have an education and a steady, decent job. I can also make her laugh.

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It might be your frustration talking, but right now it seems that you don't perceive a lot of benefits in being in this relationship. I would encourage you to look deeper and find the good, so that you are not looking at this from a limited perspective. For example, if you make her laugh, that's a pretty big thing, but you listed it last. You also have not mentioned what it is that drew you to her, and what you like about her.

The book might be interesting, if it has exercises etc.. The title of course is nonsense IMO :). While one might know one doesn't want to see someone again in two dates (or one), one wont' know the right person in two dates generally, except in the rare destiny at first sight cases and that's rare.

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Originally Posted by watergoddess

It might be your frustration talking, but right now it seems that you don't perceive a lot of benefits in being in this relationship. I would encourage you to look deeper and find the good, so that you are not looking at this from a limited perspective. For example, if you make her laugh, that's a pretty big thing, but you listed it last. You also have not mentioned what it is that drew you to her, and what you like about her.

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Hey, I listed making her laugh in the top three! ;)
I like that she rescued her dogs and that she is okay with remaining child-free. She is also physically very attractive to me.

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Originally Posted by ApatheticNoMore

The book might be interesting, if it has exercises etc.. The title of course is nonsense IMO :). While one might know one doesn't want to see someone again in two dates (or one), one wont' know the right person in two dates generally, except in the rare destiny at first sight cases and that's rare. Noone really needs unrealistic expectations.

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Yeah, the title is out there. But the author talks about how if we really listen and pay attention to people, they will reveal themselves pretty quickly, in 2 dates or less apperently. I never really tested the theory, but it's true that you can tell who people are pretty quickly if you pay attention and if you are honest with yourself. Someone else said, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." I think our biggest obstacle is being clear with ourselves about what we really want (or deserve, for those of us who grew up feeling that we didn't deserve much). Once we make an intention, it's pretty easy to make decisions that align with that intention. If we are serious about it. And if we genuinely believe we deserve to take care of ourselves.

The book does have exercises - that's what I liked about it. It's kind of a workbook on learning about yourself, what you want, what's important, what you feel you bring to a relationship (so that you value yourself and also look at your shortcomings honestly), etc... I highly recommend it.