Confused and in love at 65

I haven't been on here in quite some time. Not sure if I have posted since my husband passed away about a year and 3 months ago. We had a very difficult marriage. I was the one that was the main support in the family. He wasn't very responsible and also had serious health issues for the last 35 yrs. The last few yrs we did heal our relationship but still I have felt bitter at times and went through a horrible grieving process with all kinds of emotions I had stifled for 45 years. We got married at 20, I am 65 now.


His best friend was his best man at our wedding. Unbeknownst to me he had a secret crush on me back then. When I was dating my husband casually I had a crush on his best friend also. Neither of us said anything because of loyalty to my husband. We hooked up on facebook about 10 years ago and became very good friends, kidding around with each other and just having fun.


Then my husband passed away. A year later in Sept. his best friend let me know he was in love with me. I was shocked. And confused. He had never been in a serious relationship over these 45 yrs and never been in love. He said I am the only one he has loved. He has pretty much been alone with very few friends. We click with our personalities.


But he doesn't communicate every day with me. Only a couple times a week and I usually have to initiate it. And that bothers me. If you are in love shouldn't you be talking every day? He just doesn't seem to understand that. He wants me to move to where he is. I am lonely and I do love him and I trust him. But he just isn't a very big talker. I know he loves me, but am I missing something? I told him for now I just want to be friends and I will visit him in a few months to see how we get along. But should I bother going there when he doesn't make an effort to talk to me. Maybe I am too needy. Does anyone have any experience with this situation? I am grateful for any advice I can get. I think I might be looking for a Hallmark movie love and expecting too much. I wonder if him being in his 60's and never married has something to do with not communicating that well. Thank you for enlightening me if you can.

I am guessing he is not used to a lot of communication. I would take it slow and visit so you get to know the older him.

I think that sounds pretty wise and what I should be doing. Just you saying get to know "the older him" makes me stop and think. I know I am a completely different person than when I was 20 and obviously he is too. Thank you!

I would trust your instincts and take it slow.

As a general rule of thumb, I consider it a red flag if an adult over 40 has not been in a long-term committed relationship ever. That suggests to me they don't have the skills to sustain one. It's totally possible he could learn - and you could learn how to navigate a healthier one than the one you had - but I think you're right to give yourselves time together without rushing in to living in the same place.

You both are making me see this objectively and that is what I needed. My thinking is really muddled on this. Love always clouds good judgement. I appreciate so much your taking time to respond to me.

My dad lost my mom at about 85. He remarried a 45 year old and it was a totally different experience for both of them than any previous relationship. It was most amazing (and wonderful) thing to see. I agree with the take it easy approach. There is nothing and no one rushing you into something. My brother is in his 60s and never married. Just never found anyone to take him in hand. But he has a lot of women friends all over and is a really good man.

At this age, we are no longer worried about pregnancy but of the impact of old age. Marriage is not necessary. But moving for someone is close to marriage and if he was no longer around, do you want to live in that new location?

If the visit goes well later he should come visit you. You should not be doing all the traveling.

Factors for me would be is he healthy or consciously or subconsciously looking for a nurse and is he easy enough to get along with that you wouldn't mind being around him a lot if/when you are a retiree.

Different people communicate in different ways. Some are talkers, others are not. This may help - https://oureverydaylife.com/love-languages-5533438.html

May I suggest that you go very slowly. My DH passed 7 years ago so while you and I each are unique, we do share common emotions and responses. You first need to clear up your thinking based on your past marriage, clean out the baggage so that you are seeing any new relationship honestly without the colour of the lens of the past. Whether you knew this friend from the past, it still is a brand-new relationship.

Are you seeing him for his valuable qualities that you truly value or are you simply lonely? What is he seeing and looking for?
The answers will come but take time. It is a lovely adventure and I wish you well.

Also be sure that he isn’t in love with how you did most of the heavy lifting in your marriage. He might have romanticized that aspect of your marriage, and be thinking you will be the grown up in a marriage with him also. I think a big part of your new friendship with him should be a clear understanding of how you were not happy in your marriage. That any new relationship will need to be different.

I would suggest that you invite him to come to you first. Observe the interactions in your own environment. Thereafter, make it an alternating travel relationship.

I'm nearly 40y married to a very quiet introvert. We started dating at 16. The only communication we had is when I called him. We dated just 1/week on Saturday nights. Verbal communication is just not his comfort zone. Some days we talk all day long, and other days we are more like toddlers engaged in parallel play.

I concur with others who encourage you not to move too quickly to his environment. It could turn out that you may both thrive better in your environment than his.

Sweetana3 - Actually, the location is one reason I would like to go...lol. I figure if it doesn't work out with him at least I will have the good weather :) I am in Houston and have never gotten used to the humidity and bugs. I am so glad to hear it worked out with your dad. I love hearing stories like that.

And you are absolutely right, no rushing....

Yppej - He has asked to come here and I told him no, I would rather go there first. Mainly because I want to see if it is a place I would like to live in.

Yes, health is a very big consideration. He does have a bad back, but as far as serious health problems like my husband had, he sounds like he is healthy. But who knows? I know I don't want to be a caregiver anymore. So yes, you are right, especially as we get older, who knows what could happen health wise. Thank you for that advice.

If I outlive my husband, I will not marry nor live with a significant other again. Next door neighbors would be close enough. Dates, romance, sure. But I’m not their mother. And if they need medical care, the medical system can provide that. My husband, on the other hand, can expect whatever he needs from me, as we made a deal at ages 19 and 21, and there’s lots of history and trust between us.

Being a woman and a nurse, I will not become a free caregiver to someone I just met when I’m looking forward to starting my retirement. That would not be expected automatically of a man, but it’s a double expectation for female nurses. We are human too, and no we don’t live just to care for others.

Tammy - Gosh I am glad I posted on here...lol. I need people to slap some sense into me. Unfortunately when you are going through a grief period you feel alone and someone tells you they love you and you lose all common sense. You think "Oh wow, someone wants me!" Your vision is really distorted through the tears and loneliness. I have 2 cats and I can always join groups of like interests if I am lonely. And this may sound a little cold, but I just don't want to be a caregiver anymore. Yeah, the single life for me.....

razz - I love the Gary Smalley link. Thank you so much! And you are so right. I still have a lot of years of baggage to go through and I am not thinking clearly. I do value different qualities in him and admire him, but I don't think I am ready yet.

The link you posted is very informative and makes you look at things differently in relationships. It is very helpful. Thank you again!

ejchase - Yes, I was thinking that also. It isn't often you find someone in their 60's who hasn't been in at least one serious relationship. And I really need to take it slow. He is a very likeable man, although not very talkative...lol. That's o.k. I talk enough for both of us....haha.

It would take some "navigating" as you said (I like that word for this situation :) ) Should be interesting.....

“ toddlers engaged in parallel play” is brilliant! That is us a great deal of the time. Even when we are outside in “the” garden we are not interacting because I have my area and he has his area.

Gardnr - That is encouraging to hear about your relationship with your husband. I always feel rejected when he doesn't call me or initiate contact. I am alway thinking "you say you love me and want me there, so why don't you want to talk to me." But it is just the different personalities. I have a big mouth and he doesn't....lol.

Yes, I plan on visiting where he lives first and spend some time getting to know him and then I will make my decision. I already know I don't like where I am. To humid and too many bugs.....Houston.

iris lilies - I like that phrase also “ toddlers engaged in parallel play." I had never looked at it that way before and it makes perfect sense. My husband and I used to watch T.V. in separate rooms. Because we weren't interested in each other's shows. But it was comforting knowing someone was there in the next room living and breathing :)

So there’s two ideas going on here -

1. You want to move due to weather
2. He says he loves you

You can do #1 with or without him.

For #2 I think you should let him show you the love. Don’t contact him first. Make him prove it.

It might work out but you shouldn’t do all the work in the relationship.

Tammy - I think that is what I really wanted to hear. I wanted someone to validate what I had been thinking. i thought I was thinking wrong so didn't bring it up. You just gave me the kick in the butt I needed. No more contacting him. Its all on him now. This feels very freeing.

Thank you very much Tammy. Grasshopper is learning.....slow....but learning.

You might find bell hooks' book "All About Love: New Visions" to be quite helpful in your situation.

I learned a lot from reading this book bs k in the day when I was a more religious person - the concepts stayed with me:

https://books.google.com/books/about...d=-YVDDgAAQBAJ

I’ll give Bae’s a read too. It sounds good.

Is it possible that one can be in love with the idea of being in love?

razz - I think so. I know I had such a difficult marriage without much romance and after 45 years someone said they wanted me and loved me I was so shocked and enamored I didn't even stop to think. It felt like I was a different person living in a fantasy world. Yep, I was more than likely in love with love. I felt so empty for so long and all of a sudden I felt special. Fortunately it was someone I was already friends with and I knew he was a good man that I trusted.

Tammy - That looks like it would be a really good book. I for sure need to learn more about boundaries. I have always been a doormat and too agreeable to everything. Thank you for the recommendation.

Bae - I for sure will be checking this one out. It sounds pretty intriguing. Thank you so much for letting me know about it.

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Originally Posted by corkym

Bae - I for sure will be checking this one out. It sounds pretty intriguing. Thank you so much for letting me know about it.

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After a recent divorce after a 40-year relationship, this book was very helpful in refinding myself.

bae - Wow, 40 years. I am sure that is one of the most painful things in your life you had to go through. Thank you so much for letting me know about the book. I for sure will be looking into it.