Small Talk - Can't Do It, Hate It

I HATE small talk. I HATE it so much!

I find it soooo pointless. It seems people that do small talk can go on and on for an eternity about NOTHING but when you ask them something important, they have nothing to say. AT ALL. Or, if you even ask them about the task at hand or the reason why you are meeting or anything that is of any importance to what is actually going on, they say nothing at all.

Also, I am extremely bad at small talk. When I small talk, no one listens or says anything. But, when they small talk you are supposed to listen and react to what they are saying.

So, how do I get better at small talk? At least to get through it?

Or, how do I deal with it so I can get through it?

Any perspective?

I am an introvert, too. When I was in high school, my dad (also an introvert), decided I should go to youth group at church to learn how to do small talk and be in groups with people. None of the kids in the youth group (or in our church) went to the same high school I did except for one girl and our schools were, in fact, rivals so there was little common ground. I spent a lot of quiet time there, but eventually learned to cope somewhat. Now I can pretty much prattle with the best of them, even if I know nothing about the subject. If you ask people a couple of questions, they will usually run with it and take over the conversation. Since I don't watch TV I can't really converse about the shows, but if I ask someone about their favorite TV show and why they like it, I don't usually have to say anything else, and I can think about what I want to while they ramble on. I'm not sure my dad's idea was the best solution, but I don't think I'm terribly scarred. However, now people come up and talk to me all the time, and I really wish they wouldn't. Drat my parents for teaching me to be polite.

Don't ask me, I suck at small talk! Which is why I hate to go to big events like art openings (I'm an artist and get invited to them a lot) where you are expected to hang onto a glass of wine and chat wth people you never met before. So I go, grab the obligatory glass, look at all the art, and escape as fast as I can.

Ditto here. Hate it, not good at it. I don't watch TV either, and I don't care about pro sports. I can't even feign interest in those topics.
There were some interesting insights into small talk in the book about introversion that's been getting a lot of press this year (Quiet -- cant remember the subtitle).

ugh..small talk. Whenever I am stuck in this situation I think back to an old Simpsons episode where Ralph falls for Lisa. As they are walking home they fall into an uncomfortable silence. So Ralph says, 'so....do you like...stuff?'

I always say that in my head at these functions. Hate them...don't know what to say, can never break into a small group to add my two cents..I was wander around willing myself to be invisible.

I too am an introvert and I too am not especially good at small talk. Especially about topics which I consider vapid like celebrity gossip.....I have a real problem with celebrity gossip as there are suffering starving people in the world, how can anyone occupy themselves with celebrity gossip? ugggggh. Or the kind of small talk that seems to be so important in so many workplaces - I would much rather the quality of my work did my talking for me and just let me be if I am producing up to par.....But it doesn't seem to work that way in many workplaces. Rob

I guess I do what you would term 'small talk' all the time. I can usually find something to say to or ask any individual. I never know what I might learn from someone if I don't talk with them. Example, I was walking out of a gas station and commented to a customer at the gas pump 'nice truck'. He proceeded to tell me all about it, more than I really needed to know but he said it made his day. Conversely, if I get no response or sense no interest then I assume the other person is not into small talk so I bow out, won't push it, I can live with silence too.

My suggestion would be to not think of it as 'small talk', but 'small probing' like domestic goddess says
If I can get someone going on a topic that they love... then I feel a lot less pressure to be entertaining
Best thing I can say, "I don't know anything about that, tell me more"

Go to Event prepped with 3 or so general what-nots that are current:
Before you attend an event... breeze through the Wall Street Journal weekend section or if you are at an industry event scan through a trade publication, swing by npr.com for their feel good stories
Is event at an interesting location -- learn a little historical fact about it to share
Ask if person is from that location originally and learn more about where they're from, if you've traveled there, share your favorite story
The Summer Olympics are coming up -- are you going to watch it? Do you have a favorite event?
Did you watch the KY Derby this year - what a win by I'll have Another, such a shame he can't go for the triple crown

Before you enter the room - breath mint, breathe in/breathe out, shoulders back, chin up, smile.... if you have a really open persona, it just seems to work and before you know it the mix & mingle is over and if you are lucky you spoke to a couple of interesting people
You are in that space at that time and moment - it is yours, own it.

Just think of all the proud introverts on this board and how interesting everyone is and the various passions we all have -- whether Intro or Extro....

I call working a room at an event lofting people softballs... thankfully I love it and my jobs have depended on it quite a bit.

Owning a business taught me to talk to people and get to know them. That's really why they choose your business much of the time, because they like you. I found that they just felt better telling someone they trusted what was going on in their lives. I would also point out how they were improving, or other strengths I could see. I think it's a skill to talk with people. Now I enjoy it.

I found Meetup and volunteering very helpful for practicing small talk. The task at hand makes it so you're actually doing something besides just making small talk. Also in a group you don't have to contribute a lot, you actually get to listen a lot more since the conversation is divided among more people.

I do find people who like to talk but not to listen tiring. Since I usually don't have as much to say, I actually like it when someone wants to pick up the slack. But when I do have something to say, I don't like it when you just see in the person's face the only thing they are thinking about when you are talking is what they are going to say next.

On the other hand... how do you become a good listener? Any great books or ideas to suggest?

I have a bad bad habit of seeing anyone while I am out walking and striking a conversation about nothing, birds, trees, weather, their gardens. SO I guess that consitutes small talk. Yet a deep conversation, prying questions about life/views/family/politics and such I want nothing to do with and go quiet when those are brought up.

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Originally Posted by creaker

I do find people who like to talk but not to listen tiring. Since I usually don't have as much to say, I actually like it when someone wants to pick up the slack. But when I do have something to say, I don't like it when you just see in the person's face the only thing they are thinking about when you are talking is what they are going to say next.

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I was just talking to someone about this today: I just came back from a week's vacation, but hate it when people ask me "how was your vacation/what did you do/blah blah blah?" First, I am private, hate small talk and it's none of their business. Second, it's none of their business. So.....I just kind of wait and don't answer, and most of these folks simply carry on the conversation as if I had answered, telling me how sucky it was for me to be gone, how they couldn't do this or that without me, etc. Then the subject is changed, I'm back in my comfort zone and it's as if I'd never left.

Small talk is boring unless I am talking about something that interests me. Back some years ago I would talk to anyone in my neighborhood because there was always scads of things to talk about. Complete strangers, and I could chat them up. But now, I'm not as involved as I once was in neighborhood affairs and I don't care as much about stuff as I once did so I don't have curiosity about who is doing what, where, when, and why.

And, when I meet people at fundraisers, usually we can talk about the organization 'cause we both like it. Recently DH and I attended Circus Flora's fundraiser. I went up to one man who looked familiar and asked him "hmmm, how do I know you?" He talked about his volunteer efforts at the Botanical Gardens, and voila! That's where I had seen him! Later, I went up to another man who looked very familiar and I told him "I know you! I just have to figure out from where!" And I started down my list of places and hit it on the first: My neighborhood! ten years ago he lived in my neighborhood and he walked his dog a lot so I saw him often. So then we played the Who Do You Know and Which House Did You Live In? games and low and behold, he had sold his house to our close friends. Small world.

But outside of this city I am pretty much a social dud. I personally believe that my neighborhood is the center of this city which is the center of the universe and I'm not very interested in you if you aren't from St. Louis. Unless perhaps you are Royalty or (even better!) have a good Royalty story to share! haha.

I dislike small talk and sometimes wish people would move on to important things like the weather:) To be truthful, I'm not sure where small talk ends and meaningful talk begins. I could talk about a fascinating book I read recently about bird migration that I'm sure would make many yawn in pure boredom. Many conversations seem to me to be monologues occurring simultaneously. I am an introvert and generally a person of few words, but really treasure a good dialogue.

I am pretty shy, but I have to do small talk for work quite a bit. It is not so bad if you go in with a few ideas in mind. Some that work for me are:

1. Are you a native of ____? If yes, ask if it's changed much. (Of course it has, and they will happily tell you about it). If no, they will probably tell you how they happened to move there, or where they're from.
2. Ask for advice. People love to be helpful. Not "life direction" advice, but things like "WHere's a good place to go for breakfast around here?" or "Where do you find the best (local specialty) around here?" It works better if you can be specific--"Can you recommend any good restaurants?" is too general for people to come up with a good answer on the fly.
3. One that was suggested to me, and works really well if you can work it in, is "What books do you like to reread (or what movie have you watched a million times)?" If you ask people if they've read any good books or seen any good movies lately, they might be embarrassed if they haven't, but asking about a favorite is less threatening somehow.
4. If it's the right kind of situation, asking people where they met their spouses, partners or best friends brings out some amazing stories. Or, depending on the crowd, celebrity close encounters. (This is a good one if you are at say, a dinner, and everyone is stuck sitting for a couple of hours.)
5. Complimenting something can sometimes work (the wine, a piece of jewelry, art) because the owner will tell you the story behind it.
6. Where were you when X happened? It doesn't have to be a big national tragedy (that's kind of a bummer) but it works great with blizzards, hurricanes, or other major weather events.

These are all for social occasions when chatting at some length is expected--I don't particularly feel the need to chat with strangers although if someone starts a conversation in say a store line, I will usually try to answer pleasantly.

Other things to keep in mind--if the other person is a talker, sometimes the best gift you can give is to listen. Small talk doesn't have to be about fascinating you, it can be about putting some good karma into the universe by being kind to someone who needs a little human contact. If you are lucky enough to hear something really interesting or engage in a stimulating conversation, it's a gift from the universe, but it doesn't always have to be that way to be good small talk. Also, a pastor once told me, and I think he was right, that a group needs to spend at least eight hours together before they are comfortable enough to really open up with each other and have substantive conversations. So if you expect that in more casual situations, it's not surprising people don't go very deep.

Hope this helps...

I think of small talk as monkey grooming. When I find myself trapped in it, I take the role of "good listener." I'd be happy to talk about bird migration, even though I know nothing about it; I might learn something.

i think the main reason i do not like small talk is because i am so different than everyone else. any small talk discussion would have to be followed by some kind of explanation as to myself or listening to some kind of judgement or the ever popular "oh, that is different"

thanks

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Originally Posted by ctg492

I have a bad bad habit of seeing anyone while I am out walking and striking a conversation about nothing, birds, trees, weather, their gardens. SO I guess that consitutes small talk. Yet a deep conversation, prying questions about life/views/family/politics and such I want nothing to do with and go quiet when those are brought up.

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I've found that most people don't mind a short conversation with a stranger as long as no personal questions are asked. In fact, I've been able to find out lots of things about them, such as their children, favourite recipes, pets, etc. It's a pleasant experience for both of us.

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Originally Posted by heydude

i think the main reason i do not like small talk is because i am so different than everyone else. any small talk discussion would have to be followed by some kind of explanation as to myself or listening to some kind of judgement or the ever popular "oh, that is different"

thanks

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Oh, no, no, no.

The whole point of small talk is that you do not have to say anything substantial about yourself at all. Like Jane says, it's monkey grooming. If you do not like monkeys, aviod places where they gather. If you find yourself in a situation that requires it, ask the other person a couple open ended questions and let them rip. If you smile and say things to them like "Wow, that is so cool!" (my generation) or "Wow, that is so badass!" (my daughter's generation) and "What did you do then?" you do not ever have to reveal that you are different than the rest of us.


Though, some of us like different people, actually seek them out. Ummm, like here.

Introvert at heart here. Don't mind spewing mindless blather at my leisure from a keyboard here, but can't do it very well in the physical world.

Then there's small talk's obnoxious mean girl big sister--gossip. Sometimes harmless, often not. My beloved meets neighborhood pals every morning for coffee, then fills me in later on the lives of people I don't know, will never know, don't want to know...Sometimes I call him on it, but more often I listen. http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists...viannen_19.gif The odd couple.

Small talk is NOT my thing!!!! :0! But I try hard when I have to.... >8)

http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists...viannen_19.gif The odd couple.

Love it, Jane!!!

Having to engage in small talk is really not the end of the age. I find that most people are willing to talk, so I think the idea of asking a question and then just listening to the answer is a good solution to the drudgery of having to carry on a conversation about nothing. Keeping a mental list of questions like AmeliaJane's seems like a workable solution. Of course, if you find yourself with another introvery who is doing the same sort of thing, you can both have a good laugh about it later. I think about the worst that can happen is that you might find yourself bored for a few minutes, but who knows? You may meet someone you can be friendly with for a long time to come.

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Originally Posted by frugal-one

On the other hand... how do you become a good listener? Any great books or ideas to suggest?

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Like anything else...practice.
Take some of AmeliaJane's questions. Ask one and only one. Listen to the answer. When the person stops talking, ask a question relevant to what they just said.

I dislike small talk, though I can do it. I do love to hear people tell the story of their life. But most people won't do it if you aren't listening.

How wonderful! I thought it was just me!. I not only suck at small talk, I find that a huge factor is actually caring. I just don't care about little things. I notice at work many women love to talk about remodeling and decorating their homes. Don't care. Or they like to talk about reality TV. The Bachelor and what not. Don't care. Talk about the kids sports game. Don't care. Not caring makes it hard to do small talk. I can't pay attention and stick with it. And I feel like heel for feeling that way.

I used to be more shy and bad at small talk but now I look at it like getting to know a person more. I ask questions about them, and by the way, people love to talk about themselves. So I find some common ground with them eventually that we can share upon. When I am with women I'll ask questions like what are your hobbies, do you have children, how long have you been doing ------? Where did you get your hair cut. It really helps to break the ice and to really get to know others. It is a little hard for me with men since I am not into any sports but when summer comes along I'll talk about their lawn if they are outside and I am into having a great organic lawn myself so it works out great. If you like dogs that is always an ice breaker. I have net a whole neighborhood because of my dogs!

Good luck and let us know how you make out!

For me, small talk is a gentle way of being present with someone new or someone I am not friends with. We're checking each other out, gauging via body language, tone, & words if someone is safe, interesting, and interested in further conversation. I love engaging others in small talk. It leads to big talk! I am always confused when I hear someone express their distaste for it. I nearly always find a spark with folks. Perhaps it's an extrovert thing.

I am an introvert and am not ashamed of it. The world needs all types of people. Small talk is a waste of time to me also. The problem is to not become a hermit (which I would truly love!)

Being introverted is not the same as being shy. It just gives you more time to think before answering.. I lot of people could benefit from that.

The funny thing is that when I am at work it is like a switch flips and I become the different person. Miss congeniaity (I am sure that is my opinion only), but it sure is great to be home!

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Originally Posted by JaneV2.0

Then there's small talk's obnoxious mean girl big sister--gossip. Sometimes harmless, often not. My beloved meets neighborhood pals every morning for coffee, then fills me in later on the lives of people I don't know, will never know, don't want to know...Sometimes I call him on it, but more often I listen. http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists...viannen_19.gif The odd couple.

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Jane that is so my situation, too. And his info is not always correct. I pretty much tune it out because he likes to talk to hear his head rattle! Sometimes, tho, if irritates me no end!!!!!

In thinking about this more, I think I make a distinction between small talk and small-minded talk.

Small talk is just a pleasant, benign way to get to know someone and make gentle connections. I like that kind of small talk. It's fun to hear people's stories, and get to learn about them a little and share little things that will make for fun, pleasant chat.

Small-minded talk is another whole thing that I HATE: and that would include gossip and ego-infested blether.

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Originally Posted by catherine

In thinking about this more, I think I make a distinction between small talk and small-minded talk.

Small talk is just a pleasant, benign way to get to know someone and make gentle connections. I like that kind of small talk. It's fun to hear people's stories, and get to learn about them a little and share little things that will make for fun, pleasant chat.

Small-minded talk is another whole thing that I HATE: and that would include gossip and ego-infested blether.

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+1

I agree also, catherine. Especially in settings where you expect to see people on a regular basis, e.g. at work, it doesn't hurt to have a brief exchange with someone about their home improvement project, or their sick pet, or last night's big game. I also feel like this type of small talk builds an emotional bank so that when asking for or granting favors, it's different than when you're approached by a colleague who's a virtual stranger.

I've always been shy but as I've gotten older, I've become a chatterbox. I've also gotten pretty good at small talk----I can start up a conversation with anyone about anything. It started when I began my massage career and I wanted my client to feel at ease. They don't know me, a total stranger who will be touching their body, and they may feel a bit uncomfortable.

The more you talk to people you don't know, the more you find you have in common with them. Almost everyone is interesting.

I'm not very good with small talk, but I'm getting better. I've always been shy, and I'm trying to break out of that a bit. I do work at it, especially if I'm in a situation with someone I think I'd like to know better. Before I think I had a habit of leaving most of the conversation up to them - now I try to be a little more proactive about coming up with topics to talk about.

It does seems to be easier to come up with things to talk about when I'm doing a shared activity with someone than when I'm in a purely social setting, like a party.

I think a certain amount of small talk (not the small-minded variety) greases the wheels of community. It doesn't have to be a long drawn-out production, just a matter of showing gentle interest in someone else's life. "How are the kids?" needn't be intrusive. I bet most people know when someone has children, and you don't have to mention the child's drug problem or latest DUI arrest. But asking a generic, open-ended question can give a parent the chance to mention something they are proud of their child for, and sometimes parents sorely need that.