More or less financially secure when married?

Do you feel more financially secure with your spouse/SO or less? Do you think you would feel more, or less, financially secure if you were single and had greater control over your financial assets even if they were less then when you are part of a couple? When I was married, my DH was an extremely frugal saver like me. No debts, no costly lifestyle, very much lived below his/our means and saved. He had a good job, made good money and would never have just whittled it away on useless stuff (sports and hobbies aside). But I always felt LESS financially secure then I did when I was single evn though I had a good job and my own money. I think part of it was that I made career choices when I was married that I wouldn't have made while I was single - choices like quitting a job and giving up great lifelong benefits to follow him. And even though I did get a god job eventually, it still put a big ding in my future finances. Once I was divorced and able to do what i wanted financially and job-wise, I actually felt MORE financially secure. How about you?

I met my husband when I was just a couple years out of college, and still getting established. I was a yuppie wannabe, even though I didn't have the money. I also grew up poor and deprived and this was my first experience having disposable income. And dispose of it I did. I had no savings to speak of and maybe a thousand or two in credit card debt. My husband spent what little savings he had on my engagement ring, but had no debt. He also had no credit because his card had been revoked because he forgot to pay it monthly.

Yeah we were a pair. Now we're pretty comfortable. Both fairly frugal, though I'm a spendthrift compared to him. Thank god for the internet, if not, he would never buy new clothes and still be wearing those old 1970's clothes he had when I met him in the mid 1980's (there was a leisure suit in his closet, that was not allowed to move with him). We both know the other is responsible with money. I have more hobbies, do the household shopping, and therefore spend more of it. Big ticket items are discussed. The only thing I've ever said no to was when he wanted hair replacements. He looks fine. I find him handsome. I think people with the plugs aren't fooling anyone anyways. We have similar values regarding money and goals. I think that is a big help. We don't argue about money.

My SO is probably more frugal than I am, and certainly practices simple living. I would have no qualms about sharing finances with him in the abstract. But I'm more comfortable paddling my own old and leaky canoe and I feel reasonably financially secure in it.

First marriage: less secure. Second (last!) marriage: more secure.

In my first marriage, we had a couple of scares brought on by (shall we say) a dim awareness that bills were supposed to be paid on time (not being stored in one's car for a couple of weeks) and by a pattern of unemployment that outlasted the marriage. 'Nuff said.

My (current) wife and I are on pretty much the same page about almost everything. She "grew up" as a single parent making very little money and she made it work. Things didn't change much as she earned promotions and more money. She's not hung up on labels and having "stuff" to show off yet she's not just plain cheap. She's happy to just putter around the house or have informal dinners with friends. We do have a continual difference of opinion regarding energy conservation, but she understands that that is a "button" with me and I've gotten more comfortable with, say, replacing always-on incandescent bulbs with CFLs or LEDs than continually running around shutting off the lights which are left on. Both of us want to retire as comfortably as we can plan to, and are willing to forgo the toys now to make that happen (of course, my semi-retirement/new career somewhat enforces that, but she's very OK with that).

The way I see our current situation, we have a stable income and a stable outgo. We have the same basic viewpoint about what money is for. We're willing to discuss changes so we can accomplish our goals, and, frankly, while two cannot live as cheaply as one, it certainly does not cost two (married) people twice as much to live, which is its own saving. That all makes it much easier.

I hate to say it but I think I would of been better off financially if I had taken my intended path instead of getting married right after college.

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Originally Posted by Float On

I hate to say it but I think I would of been better off financially if I had taken my intended path instead of getting married right after college.

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It's funny because even though I WAS better off financially married (i.e. had more money, more medical and retirerment benefits, etc..), I FELT less secure financially. Don't know why really but had that nagging feeling that I would endf up being a bag lady in my old age because I was married (if we broke up). A feeling I never had when I was single and completely self-suppoirting. Probably some kind of fear based on feeling I was somewhat dependant on him and his income and current and future benefits even though I wasn't. But I did give up that nice military pension and medical benefits for life that I would have gotten if I just stayed in a few more years, so maybe that's it. Would have probably felt very secure married or not if I had those guareented.

Great question. I'm single; never been married. Since I started consciously living simply, my finances have really improved. I've learned that I can easily live on less, and I like that. My father always tells me, "Now, if you get married, that's your house." It makes me chuckle. He's afraid I'll get married and lose my assets. I have no debt and my cottage and car are paid off. I lived with a man when I was in my thirties, and he was terrible with money. He owed the IRS $250,000. and he lost his house. What a lesson. Fortunately, I just paid half of the bills, and didn't get mixed up in his finances. He went bankrupt. I did notice that when I lived with him, I made a lot more money than usual, but I didn't save any of it. Needless to say, living with him was a big mistake.

I'm set up now with an early retirement and very low expenses. If anything changes, I'll have to go back to work, but so far so good. Each year I've been able to find more ways to cut back and save money. I never thought I'd be growing my own food or taking the bus, but I am! I like the freedom of spending less and having inexpensive hobbies. I enjoy not having to work with people I don't like. I can pick and choose, and that's a relief.

I think a big part of a successful relationship is finding someone who also lives simply and manages their money well. Saving money and living beneath your means is a discipline. It took me a while to get it back. Life is much less stressful now!

When DH and I got married, we have $150 between us. 46 years later, we are comfortable with enough, no debt or mortgage and no great healthcare expenses with our extended health coverage on a company plan for eye, dental, drug and medical.

Significantly more financially secure now that I'm married. Though I have had a large salary increase as well, which is generally unrelated to being married. I've never been financially insecure, but previously I didn't have a very high savings rate. When I got married my expenses were either the same or lower (hard to exactly compare single and being a home owner to married and renting) but we live in a nicer place and the total household income is double. We both maintain security by managing our money separately and do have a pre-nup. But there is absolutely no hiding of money or worrying about what the other person bought. We're both so frugal and don't have a problem getting good employment, so some of it is luck. That said, I wouldn't have married someone who would drag me down financially, even with completely separate money.

When it comes to finances, I feel as though I live like I'm single, but am in fact married.

So I am careful to keep my earnings at a good level that would support me no matter what happens, but enjoy the additional stability of a frugal, simple-living spouse, which is just icing on the cake. Mmmm, cake.

I've never been very good at depending on anyone else.

And I've been in long term relationships before where I was decidedly worse off being "paired" than being single, as they were clueless and irresponsible with money.

I'm actually not sure. When SO and I first moved in together my fixed expenses stayed about the same, but expenses like eating/drinking out went way down because I moved to the NJ suburbs to live with him. Even though we now live in a big city we still cook at home every night but friday, etc, so that's still good and most likely a net positive for my finances.

SO is definitely much more of a spender than I am. He had a fair amount of debt 10 years ago when we met, but he paid off the last of that a little over a year ago and has also been building a decent 401k all along. However, I have a significantly higher net worth and unless he really ramps up his savings I probably always will. Almost all of our furniture is stuff he purchased because he wanted to have nice stuff. My den still has my old futon and bookcases and such that I bought before we met. He desperately wants me to get a better computer armoire but I am fine with the used one I bought from a friend for $40 almost 20 years ago.

We keep separate finances and probably always will due to our different spending habits. He makes roughly 50% more then I do so I don't think it's my place to tell him to be more frugal. He lives within his means and is saving for the future. Just not as fast as I would if I had his income. I don't spend any more now then I would if I were single so, on paper at least, I shouldn't feel less secure, but somehow I think I do feel less secure. Maybe it's concern that if he became disabled or long-term unemployed for some other reason that would leave me responsible for more expenses than I am now. After all, if I had to support us both it's not as though we could move into a 250 sq foot apartment like I lived in when I was single. (well, we could, but I'm sure you'd be reading about the homicide investigation within a few months of the move so that would probably be a bad idea...)

I'm more financially stable being married because my household has a higher net worth with the two of us. DH is frugal and doesn't like to spend money.

I made more money than DH when we met. He was a graduate student. But he HAD more money than I had, by a lot. Between his early net worth (which we turned into a paid-for house), my regular income, his ability to fix anything so we don't buy it new, and our (both) frugality, we are a good financial team. I believe that my household net worth is much more than twice what I would have built up as a single person.

I am better off financially for being married. My husband had a good career when he was working and is overall very frugal.

DH and I were both working in engineering when we met. We made choices together that impacted our financial security and they've all turned out well. He went back to school for a PhD while I continued to work, and during this time we got married. When DD was born, I quit working and our frugal lifestyle really paid off as he was still finishing his degree. He went into academia, which pays less than either of us used to earn in industry, but we work well as a team, he has good medical and retirement benefits, and his schedule is more flexible. So although I'm not working and it would likely be a challenge for me to work in engineering again after almost 10 years out of the field, I do feel financially secure. The one working/one at home system allows us both to have more leisure time than if we were both working paying jobs.

At retirement married couples generally have a much greater net worth than single people. Especially couples that have been married long term. Had I stayed married (no thanks!) we would have 2 retirement incomes with similar expenses that I have a single person.

Definitely more secure as a married person. Once DH and I married, we were able to live on one income and save the other income. DH and I have always lived fairly modestly though.

While my wife is somewhat less frugal than I am, I believe we, (and I), are more financially secure because of the marriage. We balance each other nicely, though I get frustrated with some of my wife's spending.

In my first marriage, I felt a thousand times less financially secure than I did when I was single, even though we had more money. First husband was a big spender and a chronic debtor, and it never got any better at all with him. When I was divorced and had completely broken away from him financially, I was making absolutely squat/zero/diddle, but I felt a thousand times MORE secure financially, because I could trust myself to do whatever it took (and it took a LOT) to keep myself afloat. I did accrue some significant debt, but I also managed to pay it off (except for the house) in full, and had an excellent credit record.

In my second/current marriage, I feel even more secure financially than I did when I was single. Both of us worked wholeheartedly to clean up our past mistakes, clear all our debt, and not accrue any more. We now live very modestly, and DH is extremely careful with money. We've taken good steps to protect each other in case of physical incapacitation or death, and we've also cured ourselves of that dreaded "keep up with the Joneses" disease we both suffered from. I am VERY happy with this situation. In addition, we've also done some long and hard thinking about the cost of money being paid for by life energy, as in YMOYL. We've made better choices professionally that support our physical, mental, spiritual and emotional health, as well as our marriage, over simply trying to take whatever jobs that pay us the highest number of dollars. I really like living this way and do NOT, EVER wish to go back to my previous, crazy, stupid, harmful way of living.

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Originally Posted by Iris lily

I'm more financially stable being married because my household has a higher net worth with the two of us. DH is frugal and doesn't like to spend money.

I made more money than DH when we met. He was a graduate student. But he HAD more money than I had, by a lot. Between his early net worth (which we turned into a paid-for house), my regular income, his ability to fix anything so we don't buy it new, and our (both) frugality, we are a good financial team. I believe that my household net worth is much more than twice what I would have built up as a single person.

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Our situation is very similar to this. DH and I met in grad school and neither of us had a lot of money, but we also had no debt. I had better fellowship support than he did, so I partially supported him through the last couple of years of grad school (including some strategic support even before we got married). We then managed to land two decent-paying jobs in the non-profit sector, and pretty much continued to live like grad students until we bought our first apartment in NYC. That turned out to be a great investment -- more than doubled our money in the 3 years we owned the place -- and then we relocated to China and had very low expenses in our first city (housing paid by employer, very low cost of living otherwise). We have managed to save the bulk of one of our salaries most years, and have made another very solid real estate investment, and our net worth continues to grow at impressive rates as a result. We might have been able to accomplish 50% of that each, in a similar timeframe, but I doubt it -- sharing housing and benefits really cuts down the per-head cost of living, which means more to go into savings.

If we were to split up we would both take a pretty big financial hit -- the cost of maintaining two households for our kids would certainly be more than what we currently spend, and we wouldn't be able to maintain the same quality of life if we were each trying to do it on our own. At a minimum, we'd have to cut waaaay back on both retirement and college fund savings. The retirement nest egg target number would also need to be bumped way up to account for the higher cost of housing we would need as individuals. Better to stick together and work on our issues, which are minor in the grand scheme of things.

lhamo

lhamo

I was financially secure when I was single and I am financially secure married. I am the miser in the family, my husband is the spendthrift and together we make it work. And it is NOT true that 2 can live a cheaply as 1.

Better married; we're both frugal in different ways and not frugal in different ways, but on the whole, there's more to save for when saving for him and me both. So I save more than I would for just me alone. Both ways, though, the bag lady image persists--or now living in Santa Fe, it's the living-under-the-bridge image, as quite a few do near our street.

When I married now-DH he had a lot of debt and I had just a little savings. Even though I had to sacrifice to get rid of the debt, financially overall, I think we are better together than either one of of would be alone, especially him, haha. It would have been much harder for him to pay off the debt on one income. Now, we still basically live on one income and sock the other to our mortgage and savings/retirement. I guess some of the same thing could be financially accomplished through a roommate situation, but I doubt either of us alone could have qualified to buy our rental properties.

Being a "unit" does mean we have to make decisions with the other one in mind. A former coworker sent DH a job posting in another state. Its not something he would have seriously considered but he definitely wasn't considering it since he had me to think about also. If we ever did move or make a huge career shift it would have to be a joint decision.

Interesting discussion. I have never been married as the gal I asked wanted to be a kept woman. The roommate situation, would be financially beneficial to me, probably by a great deal. Yet I just can't bring myself to get a roommate as I don't think I could stand to live with someone else (never did it always only had myself to depend on).
I have joked about the tax benefits of marriage and lower insurance rates. I say I need a mail order bride, in another country where they are happy to stay. (both get the claims, have an open marriage, and if some country that has universal health care, well then if I got sick, there is a established relationship) Since marriage is viewed as a contract, rather then a religious thing now days, I joked with lawyers I know, that one should create a contract with an expiration/renewal date.

TooMuch Stuff - for some reason I always thought your were a female! I originally started this thread because a friend of mine - a guy - said he had assumed when he got married that he and his wife, both with good jobs and no kids (DINKS) would become more financially secure but it has been jiust the opposite. He feels they spend alot more together then either one (well...at least him) would spend seperately. That she wants a bit more lavish lifestyle them him and is more into owning "stuff". I know talking to other married people with 2 good incomes between them, that seems to be a common thing - feeling less finacialy secure irregardless of how much they earned together. But it seems to be opposite for the people on this forum so maybe it takes two simple livers married to each other to make on feel more financially secure.

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Originally Posted by Spartana

TooMuch Stuff - for some reason I always thought your were a female! I originally started this thread because a friend of mine - a guy - said he had assumed when he got married that he and his wife, both with good jobs and no kids (DINKS) would become more financially secure but it has been jiust the opposite. He feels they spend alot more together then either one (well...at least him) would spend seperately. That she wants a bit more lavish lifestyle them him and is more into owning "stuff". I know talking to other married people with 2 good incomes between them, that seems to be a common thing - feeling less finacialy secure irregardless of how much they earned together. But it seems to be opposite for the people on this forum so maybe it takes two simple livers married to each other to make on feel more financially secure.

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Interesting. I wonder if it could also be an introvert/extrovert thing, as well as a simple liver thing. There are certainly lots of things to do as a couple that could cause more money spending. But if both people are also introverted and enjoy the cheaper couple things, it might not be that expensive. I'm just picturing an extrovert/introvert couple, where the extrovert wants to go to so many things that cost money and rightfully so wants to do the fun things with their partner, causing them both to have to spend money. Two extroverts could be even worse. However, if both are introverted, such as my husband and myself, most things that cost money also involve other people in some fashion, so we avoid a lot of those activities. Just some random thoughts - don't know if any real life basis to any of this.

Well Kestra I am going to throw a wrench into your idea. I know, and have known too many people who would be classified as introverts and buy stuff, to make up for other issues like not connecting with people. (stuff as a substitute)

I feel more financially secure. We are a team and I don't really worry about job loss because there are two of us. We are both quite frugal and sensible. But we also enjoy our lives and spend money on enjoyment.

Before kids we socked away savings. During the younger years of kids we had paid off all debt which was a help because the caregiver cost $24k a year

Now, no more caregiver and it coincided with no more job for dh-hows that for timing?

We live well with just my income. And I know if I lost my job I can rely on dh

Feel far more secure being married. But we have always blended our finances

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Originally Posted by ToomuchStuff

Well Kestra I am going to throw a wrench into your idea. I know, and have known too many people who would be classified as introverts and buy stuff, to make up for other issues like not connecting with people. (stuff as a substitute)

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So did these big spenders express to you their frustration at not being gregarious party animals, and their subsequent need to shop, or was that just your armchair diagnosis? And how would you explain extroverted shoppers? Because, after all, shopping is a national pastime, like it or not, and introverts are a minority from what I can see.

I ask because it's my experience of introversion (which I don't consider a flaw or failure) that I'm rarely interested in "connecting" more than I already do. Thus, no need for maladaptive behaviors.

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Originally Posted by JaneV2.0

So did these big spenders express to you their frustration at not being gregarious party animals, and their subsequent need to shop, or was that just your armchair diagnosis? And how would you explain extroverted shoppers? Because, after all, shopping is a national pastime, like it or not, and introverts are a minority from what I can see.

I ask because it's my experience of introversion (which I don't consider a flaw or failure) that I'm rarely interested in "connecting" more than I already do. Thus, no need for maladaptive behaviors.

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In the area I have grown up in, there are numerous family issues that I have been the one people come to over the years. I prefer not to go into them more then that. In my own family, I have had issues as well, but in my case, multiple family members taught me growing up that the best and luckiest thing and I could do was die as I was going to grow up like a few certain family members they viewed me as. So growing up, in a weird way that helped, as I looked at what the abuser/attacker/etc. would not want to happen and gave them that advice as well as passing stuff on to law enforcement when I could. There is a lot that I think makes my life fairly unique and a lot I would prefer not to share. I can tell you I myself am the reason for my name, as I used stuff as a substitute for relationships and people (first lesson in life, don't trust anyone, especially not family), so I would have a pretend outside face, and was really introverted. (only act with people when I had to)

That is why I prefer the internet to people, however I seem to know too many people and never expected to. A lot of them however, I am connected to because of the bad stuff that is shared, or I learn about through connections; other connections are due to work.

Definitely more financially secure married than not. 2 incomes, shared living expenses. DINK (dual income no kids) was great for saving. But for us that lasted 9 months. Once DD#1 came along, we went down to one (the lesser) income. By the time DD#2 came along, we were still on one income, but had switched to the greater one. So while my initial statement is true, it is also true that we are less financially secure with kids.

This is a very interesting subject for me right now since losing my DH a couple of weeks ago. My income has been cut down by 2/3 and I am having to completely change my mode of living. I have it figured out and can make it when I get all of the junk cut out(cable, cell phone, lower house payment {re-fi}, dropping a couple of insurance policies, eating out, etc. ). I am going solo and it is rather frightening. But, also, I want to prove to myself that I can.

My girls are SAHMs and I worry about them because they totally depend on their husbands. I think that they should be able to stay home, but times have so changed.