Marriage issues - wonder if others can relate

I'm in a strange place with my marriage. I would normally be bringing this to a therapist, but my recent search for one of those hasn't borne fruit (though I'm not giving up). But the guy I've loved and lived with for twelve years is really bringing me down. I think it might be that he has a mood disorder. He's wonderful sometimes, then beyond cranky other times. He often shows contempt for me - eye-rolling, impatience, snapping at me, or ignoring me.

OTOH, when he's feeling good, we share all kinds of jokes and stuff. And he's adorable as a person. We feel the same way about tons of stuff. He's doing a great job in life and looks great on paper (kind of like me), but he's very, very depressed. He just got a promotion, which included more money and a better title. He seems to be really suffering in the transition to a different kind of position, though everyone LOVES him at work. (I was envious the other day when the woman I call his "work wife" sent him a card for no reason, just to tell him thanks for his help and inspiration at work).

People love him, but he's not fond of them, and is having trouble doing all kinds of things. I've urged him to sign up for an acting class or a photography class, two things he's shown interest in. He'll commit tentatively, but drops out after one class, or lets the registration date slide. He has follow-through problems that I recognize - I have them too, and especially when I'm down.

Although neither of us has ever been diagnosed with it, I think we both suffer from depressive episodes. We bring each other down when we're both at a low point. I keep thinking that if I were cheerier, I could pull him up. And when I'm down, he just sort of reinforces me. Although he does give me intellectual support - agrees with my position, my thoughts, gets it when something at work makes me feel angry or dismissed. He's pretty much the voice of reason in my life, and that among so many other things is part of why I love him.

But he's just miserable, and I'm so tired of being snapped at. I'm at a point where I'm asking myself: why keep trying?

The other day I achieved something I've been wanting since I was a child - I've been writing a book, and sending out proposals to publishers for a few months. The other day I got an email from an editor saying his publishing house is interested in signing my book! I couldn't believe it! My hubby was supportive and seemed excited for me, but in a few minutes he had picked up a book and was reading it intently - just totally checked out. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't want to count my chickens anyway until I actually sign a contract. But I would have liked to have felt some excitement coming from him. And it was weird - just lip service, but no real interest in what I've done.

He did say, "You've been talking about this for months. Six times a day -I wish I could get a book deal, I wish I could get a book deal." It sounded sarcastic, not really supportive. And a few days before that he said, "You're going crazy." I had probably been talking about one of my paranoid themes, which is something like "my co-workers don't like me." He hears this all the time, and I'm sure he's sick of it. But he's never said I was going crazy in a serious way. It sounded like a criticism - it wasn't a friendly sort of thing at all.

We bicker about money non-stop.

And - we're incompatible in other ways, but this is long enough already.

We don't have kids, just a big fat lazy cat we both love. If we separate, I don't see any reason to stop being friends - as long as he would still want that. He's younger than me, and I feel like he really deserves a shot at being happy with someone who would be better for him.

But I'm feeling an intense desire to just curl up alone in a dark room and not have to see him for a while, until I figure out what I want to do.

Has anyone gone through this - is anyone going through something like this right now? Just feeling a bit down, since this is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy, etc...

Thanks for listening!

I think all marriages have ups and downs. I mean, all I have to go on here is a post on an internet forum, but I think life is just kind of like that. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's a struggle. I really doubt that separating or finding another relationship is going to change that. It is what it is, you know. Nobody is compatible in every way, but it sounds like you have a pretty good base underneath it all. Shared values, sense of humour, etc. I'd keep at it.

I forgot to say, congratulations on the book deal! So cool!

I hope I didn't seem dismissive. You said you are prone to depression yourself, which I have struggled with too. I find that I really have to stop telling myself that if X, Y or Z were different, I wouldn't be so down. I tend to read way more into what people say when I am depressed than is actually meant and kind of talk myself in circles. Since you mention paranoid themes, maybe that is just a common thing for people who are depressed.

Aside from getting rid of really toxic people, crazymakers who thrive on made-up drama, alcoholics, etc. I haven't really found that the answer to my problems is in a change of scenery or a change of company. The changes are in myself. The same is likely true for both you and your husband. He's not going to necessarily find some magical person who is better for him. It's not about that. Similarly, while it is sometimes hard not to get what you need from your spouse, sometimes you just have to decide that you are going to decide to be OK anyway.

Have him see a real doctor, there are plenty of underlying medical conditions that could be contributing to his behavior.

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Originally Posted by bae

Have him see a real doctor, there are plenty of underlying medical conditions that could be contributing to his behavior.

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Absolutely. A solid medical doctor can & will refer to a therapist as appropriate. And, of course, he's a grown-up, and can make his own choices, so if he doesn't want treatment, that's his business.

Marriages do go through many cycles. You're describing behavior that I would consider disrespectful and contemptuous, which is what eye-rolling is. Very hurtful. May I suggest reading Dr. John Gottman's work? He has many good books on marriage. Bonus... He's a real doctor, of the PhD variety.

Here is his website: http://www.gottman.com/

Thanks Redfox for the Gottman book - haven't heard of him, but he sounds interesting.

Yes Bae, I agree - I think he could use treatment too. He's had a couple of bad experiences with therapists, so he's not at all keen on pursuing treatment. He is on a medication called citalopram - he's been on it for a few years, but I wonder if drug therapies lose their effectiveness over time? He's having angry episodes that are just like what he had when we first met, before he went on medication. His physician is pretty passive and underwhelming, never asks him questions, and hubby doesn't volunteer much - claims the guy makes him uncomfortable, so he just wants to get out of there as soon as possible. We need to find him a better doctor for sure.

We found out this year that he has a lymph condition called
sarcoidosis, but they didn't say anything about the possibility of it affecting his mood. Something to ask about.

This marriage thing is supposed to be for better or worse, and I know that- I don't want to be selfish in how I approach this. But it's hard - we just hate being around each other right now. He'll ride me about getting time off from work to match his vacation, and then when I've got the dates and we're both free to do something with our time off - no enthusiasm, and he just shuts me down no matter what I suggest. Everything is NO! It's like he's a two year old, going through that phase where self-assertion is all about refusal. I am older than him, but I'm not his mother. I keep thinking: he shouldn't do this to me!

He's having problems with his mother too at the moment. He has apologized for being cranky during this time. But he seems unable to stop scapegoating me.

Still, as you say, if he won't make a move to help himself, there's not a lot I can do.

Stella, thanks for your response. You're right, we have a lot going for us together. It just seems to be submerged right now. I agree, it's important to keep level-headed no matter what is happening in my marriage. Is that what you meant - lol?

I do think that there's such a thing as the writing on the wall though...As I get older, I just feel that my time is limited and I want to spend it the way I want. I don't want to be unhappy, staying longer at work, which I hate, so I don't have to go home, which I also hate. I hate having to hate my life...

Thanks guys for your compassionate responses, it's really helping right now!

How old is he?

Get a *real* doctor on the case - his depression might simply be a symptom of some other underlying problem (sleep apnea, low testosterone, thyroid issues, diet problems, lots of things...)

Hi Bae, yes, he has a physician, the one who prescribed Citalopram for him a while back. A few months ago hubby had a strange episode at work - flashing lights, memory loss, a moment where he couldn't see. We rushed him to the doctor, thinking it might have been a stroke.

They did every test they make on my hubby. EVERYTHING! (We just got a bill for the battery of tests - over 20k. Thank goodness for insurance, lol. ) They did every brain/heart/lung thing, every blood test, every cat scan and brain imaging thing you can imagine. They've been putting him through these tests over a period of months, and the docs are totally baffled. They think it was a severe migraine. His thyroid is normal, his brain looks fine, his heart seems great. They put him on baby aspirin just in case - which doesn't make sense to me. I mean, if they determined beyond a doubt that he doesn't have any blood or heart problems, why is keeping his blood thin important?

I think they're just baffled.

They discovered he has a lymph node thing called sarcoidosis, an inflammatory condition of the lungs which is not super serious - apparently it often clears up on its own. Doesn't seem related to mood.

Hubby is 37.

Low testosterone, interesting, I suppose it's possible.

Oh, another thing - he's been on Jenny Craig for a couple of years now. He's lost about 60 pounds. The food is supposed to be nutritionally balanced, but it's possible he's having some kind of reaction to it.

We'll find a new doc and see if we can nail it down. Thanks for the ideas :)

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Originally Posted by bae

How old is he?

Get a *real* doctor on the case - his depression might simply be a symptom of some other underlying problem (sleep apnea, low testosterone, thyroid issues, diet problems, lots of things...)

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Having to eat Jenny Craig food for a couple of years would depress me.

Bae: Why do you continue to say "real" doctor? Has this guy been going to witch doctors or podiatrists?

Psychiatrists are MD's and psychologists are PhD's.

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Originally Posted by bunnys

Having to eat Jenny Craig food for a couple of years would depress me.

Bae: Why do you continue to say "real" doctor? Has this guy been going to witch doctors or podiatrists?

Psychiatrists are MD's and psychologists are PhD's.

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By "real" doctor I mean one interested in getting to the bottom of things. I have noticed a wide variance in the skill levels and interest in reaching a root cause amongst members of the medical profession.

No, you're right. That's true. Slap 'em with a prescription, usher out the door and "next!"

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I agree, it's important to keep level-headed no matter what is happening in my marriage. Is that what you meant - lol?

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Yes, that's what I meant. Also, just not taking a depressed person's actions too personally. Not excusing them, necessarily, just not getting sucked into the negativity. I know that can be quite hard to do, but it's good to find that place where you can have some level of OK no matter what's going on around you.

I agree with bae, too, about seeing a doctor.

Sorry you're having to deal with this, kitten. FWIW, a friend's BIL suddenly turned into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and it turned out to be diabetes.

I know your hubby has had lots of medical tests, but this behavior sure sounds like it has a medical basis. I hope there's some explanation found soon, for both your sakes.

Congrats on your book deal!

I don't have any suggestions other than what you've already been given above, but I hope things work out for you and your husband.

Marriage can be very hard at times. Having been married myself for almost 38 years I can attest to this. :) Hang in there. Examine what you may be doing negatively yourself to add to the mix - I am often guilty of this... and like others have already said, have your DH see a doctor that will get to the root of his problems. If his problem isn't physical or mental, then maybe time for marriage counseling, which can be quite helpful for some. DH and I sought marriage counseling when we had been married about 10 years. We learned how to communicate more effectively, which has been immensely beneficial for all of these years since...

And, definitely live the life you wish as he works through his medical stuff - or not. This is a talking-to I am also giving myself. My younger DH is not happy with his trajectory, and he's 43, hitting that mid-life re-evaluation. (Maybe yours is too, among other potential issues.) I cannot postpone my life while my DH catches up to his. This serves no one.

It does read like an underlying condition. With my husband, we started working with a naturopath and it's made a *massive* difference. He had all kinds of gut flora issues, and according to some new research, overgrowths of these particular colonies of bacteria release toxins that connect to both anxiety and depression behaviors.

Since he's been going through the protocols to get his gut decolonized and properly recolonized, his mood has changed *immensely!* So many things that I thought were personality or organic to his brain structure or what have you, turned out to be biochemical based on the biproducts of these bacterial overgrowths! It's truly amazing the differences.

He is still cranky sometimes? does he still get anxious? Yes. But, he's not as quick to anger AND he's also not likely to go toward his "OCD-like" tendencies (or go into a shell where nothing exists except whatever he's fixated on at the moment) which makes our relationship really challenging.

It's been about two years, and honestly, we have been under more stress in that time than ever before, and he handles it like it's *nothing* -- all since sorting his gut flora.

He still is working on a couple of protocols with her, but she even reversed his "greying hair" -- which is to say he had two grey hairs about 6 months ago, and those have likely fallen out or something because there are not grey hairs on his head anymore. :)

There's no point adding anything about him, medically, as I agree about what the others have said.

But some other points: Does he think there's a problem? Does he know that you think there's a problem? Is he fine with just being cranky with you? Does he want to feel better? Does he care if your marriage ends or continues?

As far as you: What do you do when he's in his moods? Do you call him on it? Do you sit there and take it? Leave the room? Go out? Snap back? You can only control what you do.
Do you have your own space in your house? It's nice to have somewhere to just do your own thing.

As far as marriage, yes, it's supposed to be for life, etc etc. But, let's face it, today, you CAN leave a toxic marriage. I believe in keeping my marriage going through hard times but I don't believe in putting my marriage before my soul or my mental health. If my marriage reached a point where it was ruining my life, I would leave. People also say you should put your spouse before yourself. I only feel that works up to a point. I won't put him first if doing so ruins my own psyche.

His possible illness doesn't override your right to live in a safe environment. You have to decide what you will and will not tolerate and stick to it. You need to find a way to live your own life alongside his, if he doesn't want to participate in yours.

Best of luck to you and keep us updated.

Whether there are kids or pets or major economic inequalities to address or not, ending a marriage is A Big Deal. I agree with the others that a bad marriage does not have to go on till one of you dies. And, kitten, I understand you've been in this spot a while (per your post). But you probably would not turn out not-so-DH if he was diagnosed with diabetes or anemia; if there is an underlying chemical/hormonal deficiency, it should be addressed.

DH is unlikely to want to find a new, more "aggressive" doctor at this particular point in the cycle, so, kitten, is there any way you can ride out the current dip until things get back to a more even keel so you can make a more-readily-received suggestion to address the issues between you and for him to see a doctor? Could it be that you could ask a clergyperson or doctor friend to make the suggestion? Maybe it would sound more important if DH hears it from someone else whom he respects.

Beyond that, the reaction to whatever goes on is yours. Only you can control your reaction to what's going on; in DH's case, right now he seems especially inable to do so, and that may well be tied to a medical issue or some long-underlying emotional issue he has not yet addressed. And you will not be able to "motivate" him to do anything he does not want to. All you can do is provide the stimuli that can make choosing a certain path worth his effort.

Finally, I would suggest doing a Web search for the phrase "emotional divorce". One of you (including you) may well have decided (rightly or wrongly) that this marriage cannot be saved and may already have "checked out", making it even harder to survive the troughs in a relationship.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by bae

By "real" doctor I mean one interested in getting to the bottom of things. I have noticed a wide variance in the skill levels and interest in reaching a root cause amongst members of the medical profession.

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Glad for the clarification. In my personal experience I have also found this to be the case, and have never found a fail-safe way to find one short of perseverence and continued networking and being willing to "dump" most other doctors along the way - kind of like dating, actually!

Great suggestions, guys.

Hm, I wonder now about the gut flora thing. Also interested in the diabetes suggestion.

As for how I respond - I usually get quiet and ride out his moods. He'll either snap out of it on his own - suddenly become very up and full of energy - or he'll kind of grin and bear it for my sake, because we're supposed to be having a nice time. We live in a big city without a car, and can walk most places.

Sometimes, though, when it's cold and windy or raining, I want to take a cab home. He'll refuse, saying we can walk the distance, it costs too much, he can't stand the drivers, etic. But at some point during the walk - let's say I give a sigh or shiver or something - he'll suddenly turn and flag down a cab in a fit of anger - like I've forced him to do something with my passive-aggressive behavior. Whereas I haven't been doing that at all - it's really been colder than a you-know-what lately. So I sighed, so sue me! Then he realizes he's been an asshole, and as we're sitting in the cab, he'll turn and look at me with this frozen grin on this face. Like - "See? I'm trying to be cheerful. I'm a nice guy, right? Got you the cab you wanted? Happy now?" But the whole time he's really furious that had had to cave in to me.

He gets up at 1 am for his super-early work shift, and when he's off, like during the holidays, his brain just gets him up at the same time anyway. So there we are, both awake at 1 am, and he's singing and dancing around the bed and cutting up. I'm feeling really relieved the darkness has receded. But it always comes back. I've wondered if it could be a manic-depressive thing, but the manic episodes are few and far between, and pretty short-lived.

We argue about money, and that's tough, but he's right. I'm kind of a spendthrift, and I start shopping more when I'm unhappy or under stress. This just makes my situation with hubby worse. I've often been grateful for the fact that he's a tightwad - if we were both misery-spenders, we'd really be in the hole. We have some retail debt that we've been knocking down steadily (on a program called AFS that works well for us) and just put a big chunk on what we owe the IRS. Getting there.

The worst of our tense moments seem to happen when I complain about my job. He starts snapping at me to just do this, or just do that, or "don't worry about those piss-ants," lol! His advice is actually pretty good. But as they often say in mars/venus books, at these times I just want him to empathize with me and soothe me. He says, "I'm not mad at you. I just get angry at these people destroying your peace of mind. They're not worth it." And he's right. But his support is somehow not supportive. He wants me to buck up and get through it and get over it. I'm not so hot at that.

We live in a tiny studio apartment, so not much time to be apart when we're home - it's a source of angst for sure. The bed is a queen, but with the cat - who somehow unfolds to four times her standing-up size when she's lying down - we can barely move once we're settled in for the night. He'll get up multiple times to go to the bathroom - I've wondered if he has a prostate thing, but he says it's all the water he drinks on the Jenny program.

Bunnys - "I'd be depressed too" about the Jenny Craig food - touche! Just the smell of it when he's microwaving it makes me wanna hurl! He seems to like it though, lol

And he can NEVER get comfortable, at least not until he's really out like a log. That'll be about four hours in. So he's operating on incomplete sleep all the time.

I know he's suffering. I hate to see it. I'm trying not to concentrate exclusively on what he's doing to me. But yeah, we're both in hell right now.

One of the saddest things is how we don't nourish each other any more, when we're just together. We walk everywhere, and sometimes it's a fifty minute walk to get somewhere, and we'll just be walking silently. We can't think of anything to say to each other. He likes to hold hands, though. But I miss the days when we chattered non-stop. These days, though, my mind is always somewhere else - and I think his is, too.

Steve, good point about the emotional divorce idea. Yeah, I really think this has already happened, sadly. I don't think it would be impossible to come back from it. We love each other enough to make it work, if some other things could fall in place. The question is, do I want it to?

I've wondered if I'm just not the sort of person who should be married. If I can't take the good with the bad, maybe I don't deserve any of it. I'm kind of depressed, and always have been. I'm not a good person for someone who needs a sparkly partner, a person who "loves life" or whatever. I've never been that way. I really think he needs an injection of positivity, something wonderful and bright. He's too young to slide into old-man curmudgeonhood. It's just heartbreaking to see this.

Thanks again for the suggestions to find a good physician who can get to the bottom of the physical issues. Maybe it will all work out. I really appreciate your responses, guys!

Thanks for the congrats too!

Sleep apnea should be considered. 4 hours to get settled means a sleep disorder. It took 10 years of sleep misery before I was diagnosed, and I was a b*tch much of the time. And JC food is expensive!

Good luck. Please consider finding a therapist.

DH does this every winter, it lasts months. He's already on Prozac, but I think a light box would help too. He wouldn't hear it (or anything else) from me or anyone else and he says he loves cold weather and hates sunight. He considers not geting help "independence." The rest of the year, he's great.

I'm with redfox. I think a sleep disorder has something to do with this, and I'm sure getting up everyday at 1AM isn't helping. I'm a ***** too when I am really overtired.

You sound depressed also. Are you getting help for your depression?

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I've wondered if I'm just not the sort of person who should be married. If I can't take the good with the bad, maybe I don't deserve any of it. I'm kind of depressed, and always have been. I'm not a good person for someone who needs a sparkly partner, a person who "loves life" or whatever. I've never been that way. I really think he needs an injection of positivity, something wonderful and bright. He's too young to slide into old-man curmudgeonhood. It's just heartbreaking to see this.

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Some of this paragraph sounds like the kind of dramatic thinking I have sometimes fallen into when I am depressed. It really isn't helpful to repeat stuff to yourself like, "Maybe I don't deserve this if I'm having a hard time dealing with the bad stuff". Everyone has a hard time dealing with bad stuff. If we didn't, it wouldn't be bad stuff. It's the nature of the beast. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that struggling is a normal part of life. You don't have to be perfect, happy and bubbly all the time to be a worthy person. No one is happy, perfect and bubbly all the time. No one.

Also, I think for the most part it's not helpful to say, "I think he'd be better off with..." You can help him in some ways, but let him make the decisions about that. I hope this doesn't come across harshly, but I have found it kind of irritating and controling in past relationships when people get too heavily invested in deciding what I need and it has never turned out especially well when I have tried to do it to others. If you don't want him, be honest about that. Don't paint it like you'd be doing him a favour. He's an adult and can make that decision for himself.

Some of the things he does sound like crappy things that would legitimately tick me off, even if they didn't tick me off to the point of wanting a divorce. Others sound like things you may need to find a solution for yourself. Do you have girlfriends to complain to about work? I have a couple of women friends that are great for those times I just want to complain without needing a plan to fix things. I always find it most productive to focus on what I can do to better the bad times than what my spouse can do. It's true that at some point, both people need to be involved, but I see a lot of my friends getting into what seems like an emotional game of chicken, "I'll work on my part of it after you do." That never goes very far, and really, it's not a good habit to get into whatever your state is in life. Married, single, widowed, etc. You're always going to run into difficult situations and difficult people and that dynamic can happen in any kind of relationship.

Stella, good point - and I've caught myself trying to justify a decision to get out of this thing ALL kinds of ways. Yes, it sounds like a classic breakup line - it's not you, it's me. Sounds like a self-justifying strategy, and I've definitely been prey to these kinds of self-soothing and perhaps hypocritical thoughts. I always imagine myself post-divorce (just as a sort of thought experiment), lying alone on my new hubby-less bed and being just eaten up by guilt. So naturally justifications pop into my head, like - he's better off without me. This would be an instance of my attempts to assuage my own guilt over initiating the break-up. I don't see this kind of thing as being controlling, necessarily, but I do see your point that trying to frame the break-up in a certain way could come off like a control move.

Yes, it's about both of us, not just me. I'm an introvert with a tendency to withdraw during troubled times. Not a lot of female friends, which is why I end up crying to a bunch of internet strangers. I've been in therapy most of my life - I keep thinking I should have this being-alive thing figured out by now. I recall how my parents kept shoving me at these self-important pill-dispensing bozos back in the seventies, and the ultimatum was hilarious: cure her in six months! Yeah, right. That was more than thirty years ago. Still working on it, and I'll get back to you when I've got all the answers ;)

So yes - I need to take care of myself, hubby needs to take care of himself, and somehow we have to work it all out together.

The other piece of this is - I think he's got a whole other life, emotional or otherwise, that I know nothing about. The advice of my last therapist was to just ask him about this. We talk about everything but our relationship - so maybe it's time.

Thanks for the light bulb moments, you guys, I appreciate this more than you know!

Getting up multiple times a night to use the restroom was one of my sleep apnea symptoms, as well as the not-getting-to-sleep-for-hours business. immediate improvement upon treatment.

Hi bae, that's really interesting about sleep apnea. I'll make sure we check that out. Thanks!

kitten,
Congratulations on your book! That's fabulous! I don't really have any advice or answers...I'm single and I don't have marital experience. I would listen to your body, though. For me, that's my best barometer. I'm not sure how old you are, but I think midlife is really hard on people. (men and women.) I know I need to exercise every day and eat every two hours. That keeps me on an even keel. I also have to have a creative outlet and spend time in nature. Not having close female friends is very hard. It's so helpful to have someone to discuss your problems with...I can talk with my mom and a couple of neighbors. I also have a gay male friend who gives excellent advice, and an older guy that I used to dance with (he's straight,) who is a good friend and is very wise. I think we need that. Loneliness is depressing. Do you journal? Do you have a spiritual practice? I think staying balanced takes work. It also helps me to read inspiring books. I drink soy milk for estrogen and do yoga to balance my hormones. Kathrine Hepburn said that people should get married and live next door to one another. I always chuckled at that.

Hi Kitten, I agree with Awakened Soul's contribution above.

Just to add: like others, my marriage has been up and down...last five years have been very up. We're very different people, but we have much in common, too. Along the way, I've discovered:

--take turns being boss in your marriage--let your spouse win sometimes--you (or spouse) don't always have to be right.

--humor cures ill-humor. Not everything is a life or death struggle. Smile and dance.

--only you can make yourself happy. Learn to give yourself optimistic internal messages. I've found when I'm pointing the finger of blame at spouse, three fingers are pointing right back at me. What am I really unhappy about?

--give spouse alone time, time to de-compress and not have to talk. Don't expect emotional support when spouse is depleted from work or lack of sleep.

--have several good same-gender friends to speak with...don't make spouse your only confidante.

--artists/writers can have tender sensibilities--it's what makes them creative. Treat yourself tenderly--but treat your spouse that way, too. A hug and an "I love you" go a long way toward a happy relationship.

Thanks awakenedsoul and HappyHiker, I loved hearing your responses :)

I hope I'm not coming off like some b!itch who's always complaining to hubby that everything is his fault. Not me at all - I'm a big self-blamer actually. But I do tend to withdraw when I'm unhappy, and that can come off like passive-aggression I think. I grew up in a chaotic home with parents who rejected me from the start - my mother was always screaming and my dad was constantly trying to bait me into arguments. I HATE noise, arguments, confrontations, etc. My response to their rigged game was just to shut down, and that became my MO. I realize it's counterproductive for me as an adult, but I don't always know that I'm doing it.

With my hubby there is real love (something that was missing with my parents), and sometimes I think he would just like to know where I am. So thanks for the reminders to include him. :)