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Thread: I Hate My House (Long)

  1. #1
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    I Hate My House (Long)

    Is covid and being home getting to anyone else? I have a long list of grievances, but know I should be saving for retirement and not fixing these:

    One bathroom, right outside my bedroom. DS has OCD and won't use the bathroom until I and my germs have been out of it for awhile. So he will come down in the night and tries to be quiet but I wake up and of course then I need to go. This is the source of endless arguments especially on weekends since I am home all the time, and the older I get the more I have to go.

    The family room is the logical place to add a half bath but the acoustic tile ceiling is coming down in places so likely would create issues with a building inspection for a bathroom. The ceiling also has holes and stains.

    The kitchen, original to the house, built in 1950, has missing cabinet doors, jagged dog-eared countertops, a gaping hole where the broken dishwasher was that I removed, and some the piping under the sink is metal and does not meet code. DS will only eat packaged foods and wants to cook and eat more healthfully but will only do so if we get a new dishwasher since he thinks washing dishes by hand is not sanitary. He uses styrofoam bowls and plastic utensils only, despite my telling him from me and my brothers working in a plastic cutlery factory as teens the plastics are not sanitary. Kids used to goof around, using the forks to "comb" their hair, throw silverware at each other and some lands on the floor but is scooped up and packaged, etc. He says he will pay for the dishwasher but I would pay for the plumbing and electrical.

    The hot water is rusty so either the hot water heater is bad or the old piping is rusting out.

    All the old insulation either disintegrated over the years (blown in ground up newspaper in the attic and walls) or got soaked with mouse urine (the pink stuff in the basement) and was pulled out. It would make sense if removing the ceiling to install insulation at the same time. And this would allow at least the side of DS's room to be insulated rather than having to go through a crawl space in his closet. He does not want anyone in his room due to his germaphobia and it is cold up there.

    The electricity is also out in his room due to overloading and I have been waiting since summer for him to prepare himself for someone to fix this. He is running a cord downstairs for power, but this also impacts me. Some lights downstairs do not work because they are on the same circuit. Also to use his microwave he unplugs the primary set top box and then I get no TV reception until he fixes it. We were told years ago we need to add a subpanel but he doesn't like the idea as it might involve someone going in his room to rework which putlets go where.

    He has terrible social anxiety and wants to minimize his time outdoors where people can see him shoveling so he used his $1200 stimulus and bought a snowblower. So when the ground thaws we have to get a shed to put it in since a device with gas cannot be in the house, plus the house has no ramp to move it down. We do not have a garage. He will not let me shovel because he says it makes him look bad to the neighbors.

    The house is cold not only due to lack of insulation but because he insists on having the blinds open at night as he is paranoid people will let their dogs poop on the yard and not pick it up. If he hears a noise he wants to be able to rush downstairs and look out the window quickly without having to open a blind, because the cord for the blind could have my germs on it. One time he tried opening the blind holding a disinfectant wipe but the cord brushed against him and he got "dirty". I tried closing the blinds in the fall when it started getting cold and it was a huge argument. This dog poop paranoia has been going on for over a year now and last winter got so severe he landed up in the psych ward suicidal. He does not care that I don't want people to be able to see into the house when it is dark and the lights are on. His illness rules supreme.

    We installed floodlights for security and he wants cameras also to catch dog pooper non scoopers. He does not want a wifi security system because it could be hacked. He built a computer but has not done anything else for weeks now - run cabling, order the cameras, etc though these are expenses I am covering.

    And the floodlights were a waste. He complained I kept setting them off or the plow trucks or trash trucks did and he was worried this would annoy the neighbors, and also desensitize them so if an intruder came they would not pay attention. I was going out of my way in a back door to avoid tripping them, but that back door went through a room where he installed homemade window bars and he was worried with the lights on people would see the bars and be prepared to cut through them if they were casing the house. So one evening I was bringing in groceries and rather than stumble in the dark back room came in the closer side door tripping the floodlights and he refuses to have them on now saying I am too incompetent to be around them. This was the last of numerous arguments about the lights.

    The furnace is over 23 years old, don't know how long it will trying to heat the cold house with the blinds open all night.

    So this is not so much I hate my house as I hate the strain of living in a 71 year old house with a mentally ill person and I feel very trapped. With covid and having to stay home so much it is definitely the hardest year yet. There have been so many arguments he hasn't even been willing to celebrate Christmas with me yet.

    The house is also cluttered with all sorts of things he does not want in his room because they are "dirty". He will use the sink and shower but will not use the toilet since he is worried about back splash. So some of the things laying around are gallons of urine. He has a commode in his room and poops onto tin foil he puts in the trash. I have tried many times to get him to use the toilet to no avail. He will not let me know who his counselor or psychiatrist are since he is afraid I will report this to them.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    He needs professional help. I would start with the social worker at the hospital he was last seen at. The SW should be able to provide you with appropriate resources. So very sorry for both of you.

  3. #3
    Senior Member razz's Avatar
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    Is he able to work or live independently of you and your support?

    This seems an almost unbelievable scenario. There are a number of different challenges that need to be addressed. The condition of the house is just one.
    As Cicero said, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.”

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    Senior Member bae's Avatar
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    With the conditions you describe, I'd make sure my home insurance was paid up and sufficiently sized.

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    Do you have EAP at work? I would start by calling them; they might have suggestions as this sounds like a crisis situation to me.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    He is not able to work. He was finally approved for SSI but the amount is low because he lives with me. Due to his social anxiety I cannot see him living in subsidized housing, which are all apartments with common walls and even closer proximity to people.

    I don't see what will happen if I ever retire and we have to be around each other all day.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    I called the EAP when he was hospitalized. They could only come up with one counselor for me and she pulled a no show.

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    Try again. Keep trying until you get some help. You are in crisis, understandably.

  9. #9
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    Oh my, that is a tough situation. I am wondering what happens to your son if something happens to you? It doesn't sound like either your son's condition or your living situation is something that can continue as it is indefinitely.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    We also have issues in the summer. According to my son the HVAC tech said our house does not support central air because the ductwork is too "wonky". So we use window A/Cs and he does not want me talking to him at a volume he can hear over them. He won't watch TV except with headphones because he is so worried the neighbors will hear. Never mind that the neighbors themselves are noisy. He also cut a hole in his window frame to get the AC to fit and he never patched it for winter, another reason the house is cold in winter, and something that allows normal conversations to be heard through the exterior wall.

    So one solution would be to move to a different house further from any neighbors, ideally with two bathrooms, a dishwasher, etc. Housing is the same or cheaper in the area where I work, but I do not think anyone would want to buy my house with it as run down as it is.

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