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Thread: I Hate My House (Long)

  1. #141
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    I am going to call the EAP on Monday at lunchtime. Last time they had trouble finding me someone near where I live so this time I am going to see if they have someone near where I work. I get out at 4 PM so it is still regular business hours then which may help. By the time I get home it is 5.

    It is hard because I know my son loves me, but his anxiety leads him to try to control every little thing and by extension me. He feels badly being dependent as well, and is very generous with me (Mother's Day, birthday, Xmas) with what little income he has. But he is not happy, and I doubt moving will make him happy, but it is worth a shot. He latches onto anything with a whiff of negativity because it reinforces his low self-esteem while often discounting positive feedback as flattery. He compares himself to our neighbor around the same age who already owns his own home. So it is hard for him and me.

  2. #142
    Senior Member Teacher Terry's Avatar
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    I really feel for both of you. Such a difficult situation. Glad you are seeking counseling.

  3. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Teacher Terry View Post
    I really feel for both of you. Such a difficult situation. Glad you are seeking counseling.
    Me too, so glad you will call EAP.

  4. #144
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    The EAP is working on finding me a counselor. It takes about 7 business days. Most providers only want to do remote sessions. The insurance company will not pay for telehealth (audio only) just Zoom. I do not have a device with a camera so that complicates things, but they will try.

    Meanwhile concerned about the suicidal implications of my son's note (I can't confide in my own mother as you will call the police) I did just that. He is not involved in any criminal activity so all he could confide that would be reportable would be suicidal thoughts. I am not going to do nothing and then if he dies blame myself the rest of my life. They will try to reach him via his VOIP numbers in case he is parked somewhere with wifi and will also keep an eye out for his car.

    7 or 8 years ago I had to do the missing person report thing and that time he eventually came home on his own.

  5. #145
    Senior Member boss mare's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Yppej View Post
    I have been looking at houses for sale and found one that would be perfect for me a half hour from where I work. It is affordable housing and you don't have to be a first time home buyer, but ... I earn about $1500 too much per year to qualify.

    Meanwhile my son is back to saying he will get his own place. He is now splitting his time between staying in the house when I am at work and staying in his car when I am around because he has a litany of complaints including:

    - He was going to order light bulbs (a responsibility he insists is his because he does extensive research on them) and he didn't like that I requested different bulbs than we discussed a few years back - he sent me a long email accusing me of being a revisionist.

    - He then blocked my phone number and my email so I went and knocked on his door because I had manure to be spread so I can put in the garden and he always wants to do heavy outdoor work. He said, "Please leave me alone" and I said, "Then don't get mad when I do things" and I spread the manure myself. A few days later he noticed and had a panic attack saying I was causing his anxiety and I didn't care about him.

    -The lights were dimming and I asked him about a time frame for the electrician and he said I was harassing him on purpose because he cut off contact with me and I am being aggressive.

    - He has been cleaning, at his methodical pace, and in the midst of working in the bathroom left such a big mess I couldn't get in the room, and so we got into an argument about that. The third time I asked him to clean it up I said something I shouldn't have, that he would never do that to a stranger, how can he do it to his own mother, what sort of son is he. Apparently he did not hear me the first two times because he had his fan on and would not open the door to hear me. He left me a note implying he is suicidal and saying he can't confide in me as I will call the police.

    I continue to look for another home and would like to move if/when he does leave. There is a real estate company in the state, not the We Buy Ugly Houses people but one that is more reputable, that will buy your house as is and if they sell it for more down the road than they paid for it you get a cut of that.

    If the market is such that I can't easily sell and buy elsewhere I will start fixing up this house and thank you all for your ideas on that.

    ETA in his latest note he said if I do one more thing to hurt him (emotionally, I never hit him or anything) he will permanently cut off contact with me. So if I do something like call in the electrician it's game over. I feel blackmailed and trapped and he wrote he feels trapped because it can take a while to get housing. At age 18 he lived with my parents for a year and sent them a long letter after he moved out telling them how awful it was and saying he would rather be homeless than ever live with them again. In his latest missive he said I was worse than them.

    I thought about trying again for counseling. (Last time the counselor did a no call no show.) But the eye doctor just told me this past week masks are required in medical settings indefinitely. If I go for counseling I know I will cry and you can't blow your nose when you're wearing a mask, and the mask will get all covered in tears and snot. The mask mandate is cruel and unusual punishment.
    .... Most counselors are doing Telahealth /Zoom You can cry and blow your nose without having to wear a mask. And best of all... You can have a session anywhere you get wifi. I had a Telehealth appointment with my counselor and I was running late due to a car accident and traffic jam. Pulled into the nearest Mc Donalds and sat in my car in the parking lot and had my session . I even had a session in the parking lot of my horse trainers one time. Please get the help you need

  6. #146
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    Yes, my session was Zoom--well, not Zoom, but some medical product equivalent with more privacy than Zoom. I don't like telemed sessions either but hey, you do what you have to do. I am so glad you are being proactive--it's the right thing to do, Yppej, as you just have to speak out and explain to people what is going on. That is a really good thing, including calling the police.

  7. #147
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    He called my brother stating the police were texting him and he was well and saying I should cancel the missing persons report. They would not do that without speaking with him. Later my brother let me know that DS said he did speak with the police and passed his wellness check but is not coming home "yet".

  8. #148
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    Honestly, if I were you I would put the house up for sale now, and then rent for a while while I looked. Seriously.

  9. #149
    Senior Member Yppej's Avatar
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    I am starting to take baby steps to the way I want to live. Last night I closed the blinds. I used a laser pointer and got a look at the area where the ceiling is caving in. It has a walkway above it, but I know other areas are probably open to the roof.

    Years ago when I had a boyfriend he didn't like he was looking into getting housing but when we broke up he stopped. I think this time he will go through with it.

  10. #150
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    He needs to move out, for your protection. I would work hard to keep him from moving back. And I know you love him, and he loves you. But this situation is not tenable, and you need to be protected from his mental illness, as does he.

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