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Thread: Health and aging

  1. #1
    Senior Member flowerseverywhere's Avatar
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    Health and aging

    Living in Florida around lots of retirees watching people age is fascinating. I've developed a friendship with two women and we have really worked together to be as healthy as possible. We go to the pool each morning. Other activities include a combo Tai Chi, meditation and chair yoga class, and on our own do many other activities. We encourage each other to stay active and eat healthily. Luckily we all are frugal and much more minimalist than average.

    Our discussion today was aging in place. When you reach 80 or whatever the number is for you, and don't feel comfortable driving, living alone and so on, what are your plans?
    The 81 year old widow is on an independent living list and her house is ready to go on the market. The 64 YO has a much older husband but he refuses to stop driving, drinking, eating right so she has really becoming very independent of him. He has lots of Serious medical problems, so she has plans to move near her kids if she is alone. I do some activities with DH, some with others and some alone. we share chores.

    My plan is to stay in my house hopefully with DH still around, and gradually add in housekeeper, use delivery, uber type service etc. until it is not safe or we do not want the responsibility that comes with home ownership. At that time we will get an apartment or rent a house. Either here or closer to the kids. I've told my kids to tell us if they feel it
    is becoming dangerous for us to live here. Then we will talk to them before we make any decisions. I feel it is very selfish to be unsafe to yourself or others and stay in your house and worrying your kids half to death. We've seen it happen, and it is incredibly hard on the kids and leaves them bitter and worn out. we are all going to go eventually.

    My problem with independent living is the significant buy in and the fact they can change hands.

    Have you made plans?

  2. #2
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by flowerseverywhere View Post
    I feel it is very selfish to be unsafe to yourself or others and stay in your house and worrying your kids half to death. We've seen it happen, and it is incredibly hard on the kids and leaves them bitter and worn out. we are all going to go eventually.

    My problem with independent living is the significant buy in and the fact they can change hands.

    Have you made plans?
    I think that committing to stay in your house can be selfish or not, depending upon the individual. My great-aunt lived in her small apartment until the day she died at 92. My son's ex-girlfriend's grandmother was a hoot--she lived in a big Victorian house, hosted jazz sessions at which she played the piano, and drank whiskey every night, and she died in her sleep at age 99 and 11 months.

    That doesn't answer your question. I've thought about it, though, because while I adore this house and am completely independent right now, being "old" up here you take risks--if you have a medical emergency it takes 20 minutes to get an ambulance, and from there you have a 30 minute ride to the nearest hospital. That's a concern. The winters are long, cold and snowy. That's a concern. If you can't drive, the best you can do on your own is walk 1.7 miles to the market, get Meals on Wheels, or depend upon neighbors and friends to pick you up things or take you shopping. That's a concern.

    I have considered that when I get to the point where DH isn't around, and I can't drive and I have a medical condition that would necessitate immediate care if I had an acute event, I would move to Burlington to be closer to my kids and within walking distance of food and basic services. I'd find a small apartment or a 55+ community with different levels of assistance (high level of care would be less desirable and last resort option)

    If DH is around and we are both in that situation, I would hope he would agree that this would be the best course of action.

    We just learned that the people who owned this house for decades only decided to move to Florida when they reached that tipping point--the wife had a heart condition and the husband didn't want to risk her having an event being 45 minutes from help. He actually died last year, and she's still kicking in her late 80s.

    I really hope that we don't need to rely on our Plan B for at least a decade. We are both quite healthy (TBH, DH surprisingly so) and at this point I don't see any time in the near future when I'd have to seriously consider moving.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  3. #3
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    Such a great question! I think we will try to get to our late 70's in a home on land such as we have now, but certainly re-evaluate by the age of 76-78. Either we will have to start hiring help at that point, or we will get rid of the house on land and rent or buy something in a town where we can avoid driving somehow.

    I'd love to say 80 we would re-evaluate but that is kind of late, and I'd rather be proactive.

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    Moving NOW to a retirement community where there are many activities and avenues for socialization. Here we are isolated and have too big a house that we no longer care to maintain. I am sure we are making the right decision. If not, we have no encumbrances and can change the situation. Closing on the house is Friday and we head out!

  5. #5
    Senior Member Tradd's Avatar
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    I’m 54. Single, no kids or partner, live alone. I made the choice to move to a ground floor rented condo back in 2008 as I’d lived for years in apartments with a ton of stairs. It was a good choice as I later developed sciatica and knee issues. I doubt I will ever buy. That’s OK with me. I’ve always rented. It means I can move as needed, if I want to, at the end of my lease. It’s a small space so easy to care for.

  6. #6
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    So how much is the buy in fee for these assisted living places?

    I’m just not attracted to the assisted living places in the St. Louis region because they are all out in the boondocks and the architecture quality is lacking severely.

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    We have two big complexes here and prices do depend on apartment, new or old cottage and whatever. I heard from one woman that her contract was over $250,000 with monthly fee. I have heard higher too. Never gotten farther than that since hopefully it will be awhile before we would need to consider this and I am fine with renting if necessary.

    Discussions are hard since there are so many definitions of independent, assisted, continuing care, nursing and memory care. We even have semi independent here because the rental mom is in could not make a go of a more advanced assisted living. They are all just trying to make money.

    Note: living a big city with a lot of these facilities of all kinds and lots of available services. Decision would be very different if I thought I would need more accessibility. A friend had a 4 hour round trip for cancer care.

  8. #8
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    I've thought about this. DH is not interested in discussing it. However, we plan to age in place, as long as possible. Although we have a 2 story home, we can easily live on the ground floor if needed, and we could put in a stair-lift if it comes to that. As we are/have always been working class, we don't have a huge amount of retirement savings but enough to live carefully on. If we went into care, it's so costly that we'd soon hit the Medicaid threshold. We did put our house in a trust so as to protect that, our only real asset, for our two adult children (who deal with some metal health challenges and seem unlikely to be high-wage earners...). I know there are some pros to renting, but when we talk to DH's older brother, who has always rented, it's frightening to hear how their rent just keeps going up. They pay more for a really crappy apartment than we ever did for a house payment, including taxes and insurance and basic up-keep, and since we paid off the mortgage, we've paid out WAY less. I know it's different in other locales, and everyone's circumstances are not ours. I am am introvert, and DH is fairly introverted. I swear, I could go for days happily not interacting with anyone in real life. The idea of living in a community with a bunch of other old people just does not seem appealing.

  9. #9
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by early morning View Post
    The idea of living in a community with a bunch of other old people just does not seem appealing.
    Hear, hear! I love the relationship we have with our next door neighbors because they feel the same way. It's almost painful for them to interact with others--but we were here for them when he had a heart attack a few months ago--we called 911 and drove his wife to the hospital and stayed with him all night long.

    Then we went back home and waved to each other across our yard boundaries. They did come to my son's wedding last weekend, which was a labor of love for them, I am sure. DH has enough social energy for the four of us, so he keeps us tethered.

    As for the cost of renting vs ownership, I agree, early morning. I love how little I paid for this home in Paradise. I hope to keep it as long as I can--and if I can no longer live here myself, I rest in the fact that my kids will enjoy it.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  10. #10
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    We all like to talk about aging in place and it is totally fine. But also think about sudden permanent incapacity, need for advanced nursing care, or brain diseases. It is fine to say one is living independently until it takes a village of caretakers who are giving up their one or their multiple lives to keep you in place. It is most usually a spouse or partner or a child.

    Had one of our top elder lawyers give a talk and even they said it is not death that is the biggest crisis for most families but any form or incapacitation whether physical or mental. It can even come on suddenly like a stroke or slowly like dementia or ALS. We need to at least have a converstation and discuss various options for each spouse. And do not forget children that may be called on to drop everything.

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