My estranged family wants back into my life after 30 years.

[iris lilies]

I agree. It is healthier to cut ties. Gabor Mate, who has spent his professional life studying addiction, wrote in his book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts"

"A therapist once said to me, 'If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.' It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide."

Some people have to cut ties entirely with those who want to interact with them because they are unable to keep firm boundaries.

I suspect that is what happened with my niece who doesn’t speak to her mother, and has not spoken to her for more than a decade. Her mother is not openly toxic and the two were super close until my niece turned 20. Sure, her mother is…”extra” (and she irritates her brother who is my DH) but there was no addictions or mental illness or severe outward problems.

My guess is that my niece, being young and learning her way along in life, wasn’t able to set the firm boundaries needed to continue to interact with her mother. Now so much time has elapsed in this mode she is embarrassed to change it.

[Abigail]

Thanks @chrisgermany. I appreciate your answer. I just want you to know that it made me feel much better. I have not let these people back in my life. My dad is his own person and has to make decisions for himself. He decided he wanted to meet my sister for his birthday. I told him that is his choice but that he has to respect my decision that they are absolutely NOT allowed in my home - not inside, not outside, nowhere near us actually. I also told him that while he does live in my home and I am glad that he does live in my home, I would appreciate it if he did not disclose our home address to my biological sister and biological mother. I told him I have plenty of good reasons for that. He went to dinner with my sister and my mother for his birthday. He said they basically were just looking for money; sister needs money to go back to school and fix up her house, mother needs money to pay for medical bills apparently. He said he had a hard time believing any of what they were saying and that it seemed like they were shocked and not interested once he told them he has no money, no income coming in, no savings and lives with me. My sister and mother of course chose to go to the most expensive restaurant in town - and of course they had no money to pay for their bill. So he paid over $400 for the meal. He has not heard from them since - not a peep. I guess some people never change. And I hope we never hear from them again.

[happystuff]

Thanks @chrisgermany. I appreciate your answer. I just want you to know that it made me feel much better. I have not let these people back in my life. My dad is his own person and has to make decisions for himself. He decided he wanted to meet my sister for his birthday. I told him that is his choice but that he has to respect my decision that they are absolutely NOT allowed in my home - not inside, not outside, nowhere near us actually. I also told him that while he does live in my home and I am glad that he does live in my home, I would appreciate it if he did not disclose our home address to my biological sister and biological mother. I told him I have plenty of good reasons for that. He went to dinner with my sister and my mother for his birthday. He said they basically were just looking for money; sister needs money to go back to school and fix up her house, mother needs money to pay for medical bills apparently. He said he had a hard time believing any of what they were saying and that it seemed like they were shocked and not interested once he told them he has no money, no income coming in, no savings and lives with me. My sister and mother of course chose to go to the most expensive restaurant in town - and of course they had no money to pay for their bill. So he paid over $400 for the meal. He has not heard from them since - not a peep. I guess some people never change. And I hope we never hear from them again.

Congrats to you for standing firm in your desires. Sounds like it was an expensive "lesson" - so to speak - for your dad, but at least now he really does know where he stands with them.

[catherine]

I agree with happystuff. You handled that beautifully, Abigail.

[chrisgermany]

You did the right thing. It was sad for your father but he saw their true and unchanges colors.