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Thread: My estranged family wants back into my life after 30 years.

  1. #11
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    Sorry your bio sister and egg donor are horrible people. You have no obligation to deal with them and have the right to live a peaceful life. Don't let your father guilt you into interacting with them. He may wish to speak with his other daughter, you need to watch our for his interests.

    If he wants to speak with sister make it clear that it will happen in a well lit public place like a cafe for a specific amount of time, and you will drive him to and from the place. Take him there and sit a discrete distance away so you can keep an eye on them. Most likely she will give him some sob story and want money, once seeing he has very little will try to guilt him into giving his last penny or taking out loans for her.

    Talk to a lawyer or doctor about becoming his financial Power of Attorney, since he's getting older and wants to reconcile, he's an easy mark. Email you landlord and tell him a scam artist claiming to be your sister is trying to scam your elderly father, this way if/when she arrives at your door you have a paper trail with the landlord and call the police. Do this calmly, she'll count on you not wanting her to make a scene and upsetting your neighbors.

    Hope this helps you and that she goes away when she she's there's no more withdrawals available at the Bank of Dad.

  2. #12
    Senior Member Klunick's Avatar
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    My parents divorced when I was 8 but he had been in and out of the house for years due to leaving for "girlfriends" and mom taking him back. Us 3 kids had to convince my mom to stop taking him back and divorce. When he was around, he would always tell me that he didn't think I was his kid because I didn't look like him (brother and sister do but I look like my mom). With that, he said he didn't really have any feeling for me. He would never do stuff with me and excluded me when he would do stuff with my sister or take her anywhere. Brother is a lot older than me so he was already at college when most of this happened. He would never show up for our court ordered visitations. He would never call me to let me know why he didn't show up. We eventually stopped trying and life went on. Fast forward 20 years and suddenly he wanted to talk with me, call me, visit with me, etc. By that time, I didn't need a Dad and had done just fine without one for most of my life. I had no interest in a relationship with him. He was nothing but a stranger to me. He would reach out and I would ignore. He ended up dying a few years ago and when I got a copy of the Will, I was reference as "the daughter that never existed". I had to laugh at that. I was given $5 in his Will which I didn't accept. Didn't go to his funeral and don't plan on ever visiting his grave. I don't feel bad about it at all. He made his choice when I was little. He decided that I wasn't his daughter and he didn't want anything to do with me. Him coming to the realization when he was old that he made a mistake and wanted to fix it was a "too little too late" situation in my mind.

  3. #13
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    That's a sad story. He sounds awful. I really feel for your younger self and am glad you do not feel bad about it anymore.
    My first husband treated our sons in a similar fashion. He died and they were nice enough to go to his funeral. I didn't.

  4. #14
    Senior Member Klunick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tybee View Post
    That's a sad story. He sounds awful. I really feel for your younger self and am glad you do not feel bad about it anymore.
    My first husband treated our sons in a similar fashion. He died and they were nice enough to go to his funeral. I didn't.
    I know there is a saying like "Hurt people hurt people". He was so miserable in his life that he lied about every aspect of it even though a lot of his earlier life was pretty great. The man couldn't even tell the truth about his name. His name was Jack but he would say it was Jackson. Only people before a certain period of his life knew the truth. He lied about his military accomplishments even though he did some pretty cool stuff while in the military. My mom went to his funeral which was at Arlington National Cemetery and even received the flag that was draped over his casket. I think that was because she was the wife during the military years so his new wife wasn't eligible to receive it. I think my dad died knowing full well how much he screwed up his life. Divorcing my mom, cheating on her and his current wife, lying to anyone and everyone, being a mean person in general, etc. I can't imagine people feeling the way about me the way so many people felt about him. I wasn't the only one he hurt beyond repair. Others chose to forgive but most didn't.

  5. #15
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I wish that people could have a "Scrooge" experience and see their ghosts of Christmas Future. I wonder how they would change?

    I have a bracelet with 7 beads on it, each a different color and each representing my female relatives who had a big positive impact on my life in different ways. I cherish their memories and every day I say a prayer of gratitude for their roles in my life.

    OTOH, when everyone is posting pictures on social media of their fathers on Father's Day with glowing tributes, I have nothing at all to say about my father--and I have always been the one to be kind to his memory. People tell me he was funny. I know he was very creative and philosophical. He was basically a good human being. But he was a crappy father, and on my bracelet, the color of my mother's stone is red, for her courage in leaving him in the early 60s when no one got divorced and, she thereby saved the family.

    Two of my brothers have nothing good to say about him, with good reason. He was terrible to them. My youngest brother has more benign feelings towards him, as do I. If I were my father and if there is a heaven and hell, I would be in hell right now, looking at the wasted opportunity to share a loving life with my own children, and having to stare down the consequences of my own selfishness and refusal to change.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  6. #16
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by catherine View Post
    I wish that people could have a "Scrooge" experience and see their ghosts of Christmas Future. I wonder how they would change?

    I have a bracelet with 7 beads on it, each a different color and each representing my female relatives who had a big positive impact on my life in different ways. I cherish their memories and every day I say a prayer of gratitude for their roles in my life.

    OTOH, when everyone is posting pictures on social media of their fathers on Father's Day with glowing tributes, I have nothing at all to say about my father--and I have always been the one to be kind to his memory. People tell me he was funny. I know he was very creative and philosophical. He was basically a good human being. But he was a crappy father, and on my bracelet, the color of my mother's stone is red, for her courage in leaving him in the early 60s when no one got divorced and, she thereby saved the family.

    Two of my brothers have nothing good to say about him, with good reason. He was terrible to them. My youngest brother has more benign feelings towards him, as do I. If I were my father and if there is a heaven and hell, I would be in hell right now, looking at the wasted opportunity to share a loving life with my own children, and having to stare down the consequences of my own selfishness and refusal to change.
    my Great grandmother divorced her alchoholic husband back in the day when “ no one got divorced” so yes, people were getting divorced.

    I run into newspaper articles about her restaurant business in Des Moines where she was an active member of the women’s business association. It is nice, reading about her activities. I am grateful for visiting the downtown building where her restaurant was, decades before Des Moines city fathers decided to tear it down.

    Downtown Des Moines—now a generic midwestern downtown where nothing is recognizable from previous generations. Hope they are are happy, those city fathers.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 8-16-24 at 5:48pm.

  7. #17
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    On the subject of not so great fathers and grandfathers, it is interesting that the identified alcoholic, this great grandfather, is the one whose family I could trace back to Scotland. FINALLY. Finally, got back to 1400’s Scotland.

    I suspect my Stuart great great grandfather of being a drinker but there is no confirmation. He seemed to have troubles and spent some time in the county poor house. His is the lineage I wanted to trace, but no luck.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 8-16-24 at 5:48pm.

  8. #18
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by iris lilies View Post
    On the subject of not so great fathers and grandfathers, it is interesting that the identified alcoholic, this great grandfather, is the one whose family I could trace back to Scotland. FINALLY. Finally, got back to 16xx Scotland.

    I suspect my Stuart great great grandfather of being a drinker but there is no confirmation. He seemed to have troubles and spent some time in the county poor house. His is the lineage I wanted to trace, but no luck.
    Well, ya know, the Scots do love the drink.
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
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  9. #19
    Senior Member iris lilies's Avatar
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    Generally speaking, I think It’s healthier to cut ties with toxic family, or at least to keep a distance with firm boundaries. I’m never going to say “oh but they’re your family! Family is everything!” Ummm, nope. I assume people I know who have cut family ties have their own good reasons even if they’re not obvious to me, and even if it’s not necessarily what I would do in that situation.

    I just finished reading Hidden Valley Road about a family who had 12 children, and 6 of the brothers ended up with schizophrenia. The two youngest in that family were girls, and they experienced extreme trauma and dysfunction. A lot of violence went on in their home. One of the mentally ill brothers raped them.

    these two sisters in adulthood handled their family relations very differently with one creating quite a distance, and the other jumping into solve all the famiy problems by taking legal custody of her mentally ill brothers, taking them to appointments, working with their doctors on medication.

    The sister who is doing so much of the work was, predictably, angry with the sister who distanced herself. She was resentful that her sister and other siblings did not step up and in the way she imagined they should step up.

    How often do we see this dynamic?

    by the end of the book, it seems that both sisters had come to accept the reality that everyone’s path in life will be different and none of them should resent others for the path they choose. Well, that seems like a neat and tidy summary, that really is the way life should be.
    Last edited by iris lilies; 8-16-24 at 5:50pm.

  10. #20
    Senior Member catherine's Avatar
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    I agree. It is healthier to cut ties. Gabor Mate, who has spent his professional life studying addiction, wrote in his book "In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts"

    "A therapist once said to me, 'If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.' It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide."
    "Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it--every, every minute?" Emily Webb, Our Town
    www.silententry.wordpress.com

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