Ways to Acknowledge a Family Member's Death

[goldensmom]

A close family member recently passed away. She was cremated and here was no funeral or memorial. I would like to acknowledge her passing beyond a card and telephone call (they live many states away). They are not 'cause' or 'church' people so a memorial contribution to an organization/church would not be meaningful to them. I was thinking of a gift certificate to a local gardening center so they could get a tree or shrub or something to plant in her memory. Never been in this situation before. Suggestions?

[iris lily]

A close family member recently passed away. She was cremated and here was no funeral or memorial. I would like to acknowledge her passing beyond a card and telephone call (they live many states away). They are not 'cause' or 'church' people so a memorial contribution to an organization/church would not be meaningful to them. I was thinking of a gift certificate to a local gardening center so they could get a tree or shrub or something to plant in her memory. Never been in this situation before. Suggestions?

I was put in that situation--twice--and resented it. Think about it this way: you are giving them a job, assigning a task, if you will. At least, that's how it came across to me. Someone went to a great deal of trouble to get us a live rose bush as a memorial for DH's mother but that didn't work for several reasons. Someone else insisted that we have a memorial tree for my father in the Park, and whil that was ok, the detials of working it out was my time and I didn't wnat to give up time for htat.

Not everyone will see it this way, I know, but for me, the gift of live plants intended as a memorial was not helpful.

However, if you know for certain that they are avid gardeneners, it might be ok.

[earthshepherd]

What about a remembrance quilt or knitted shawl?

[catherine]

I kind of agree with Iris Lilly, except a gift certificate is better than getting a tree handed to you. At least they could spend it on anything they want.

I personally think, given what you said about how none of the traditional gestures are going to work in this case, that a simple letter or card remembering what you loved about that person would really be the most appropriate thing.

[goldensmom]

I was put in that situation--twice--and resented it. Think about it this way: you are giving them a job, assigning a task, if you will. At least, that's how it came across to me. Someone went to a great deal of trouble to get us a live rose bush as a memorial for DH's mother but that didn't work for several reasons. Someone else insisted that we have a memorial tree for my father in the Park, and whil that was ok, the detials of working it out was my time and I didn't wnat to give up time for htat.

Not everyone will see it this way, I know, but for me, the gift of live plants intended as a memorial was not helpful.

However, if you know for certain that they are avid gardeneners, it might be ok.

Iris lily, You bring up a good point. Although they are 'yard people' now, the surviving spouse not want to go to the bother or may move and the 'memorial' plant/shrub would then be in someone else's yard. Keep thinking.

[redfox]

Unless, of course, you get a plant for your yard. What about a non-traditional memorial - such as an evening for drinks and memory sharing? You could host a few people over, or go out.

[nswef]

If they had no memorial or service it could be they want nothing formal. In that case I agree with writing a letter with memories you have of that person that they might not have. It's small, thoughtful and portable. It also helps you to memorialize the person in your mind. Keep a copy for yourself.

[loosechickens]

I agree with the warm, comforting effects of a nice letter, remembering things you admired or loved in the person, thoughts about how they affected your life, etc., and acknowledgement of how much they will be missed by everyone in the family.

You may have unique things to say about this person that they really didn't even know about her, and it's always nice for family members to know their loved one has touched lives.

[Kat]

I would adore a plant dedicated to the memory of a loved one, but I'm not sure everyone would. I agree with others than a nice card or letter with a heartfelt memory (or memories) might be the way to go. My DH wrote a letter like this to his aunt after his uncle died. He shared how much his uncle had meant to him and how the legacy he left behind was still affecting his life. She died a short time later, and then her kids told DH how much she loved that letter and how she had read it over and over again.

Edited for spelling!

[Lainey]

Another idea is a memorial bench with a small plaque. I've noticed them in local municipal and non-profit gardens, as well as the local VA cemetery.
I wonder if a call to their local park board could give you some details (and if it's a little pricey, maybe some other family members would chip in.)