Stepping Back: What are the Consequences?

[Tybee]

It's the elsewhere stuff I am having trouble imagining getting rid of, although it would obviously be easier to find an inexpensive new house in New England if I did not need so much space for stuff and for patterns of living such as two work at home people, one of whom (not me) is a talk outloud auditory person.

You may indeed be able to pull it off, and consider me impressed--but we have been living in too small houses for the past ten years--four years in one that was 860 square feet, year round, and I could not at that time get rid of the boxes in the garage, and I had no guest room or second bathroom, both of which it would be lovely to have. I have tried the "here, we will pay for you to stay at the xyz lodge and you'll have so much fun at the waterpark," etc. and are always greeted with sad faces, but we want to stay with you, and eat pancakes.

[catherine]

I have tried the "here, we will pay for you to stay at the xyz lodge and you'll have so much fun at the waterpark," etc. and are always greeted with sad faces, but we want to stay with you, and eat pancakes.

I agree. This is the crux of this thread. My son is coming up at the end of August and we have offered to clear out and stay elsewhere, and he and his family (1 wife, 2 young kids) can live in our 2 bedroom house. But they pushed back. I told him specifically that we chose to buy a small house and then pay for guests, because that's cheaper than buying a bigger house so that you can accommodate the occasional guest, but this is not acceptable to them.

And, if we did clear out and let them have this house, I can't see my DIL being thrilled with the 10 gallon hot water heater.

[KayLR]

I agree. This is the crux of this thread. My son is coming up at the end of August and we have offered to clear out and stay elsewhere, and he and his family (1 wife, 2 young kids) can live in our 2 bedroom house. But they pushed back. I told him specifically that we chose to buy a small house and then pay for guests, because that's cheaper than buying a bigger house so that you can accommodate the occasional guest, but this is not acceptable to them.

And, if we did clear out and let them have this house, I can't see my DIL being thrilled with the 10 gallon hot water heater.

Sheesh, I make that request of my DD and she hasn't spoken to me since, almost 18 months. Seriously.

[catherine]

Sheesh, I make that request of my DD and she hasn't spoken to me since, almost 18 months. Seriously.

No... don't tell me that!

IL: Yes, that was the very logical course of action for me. I don't get why people would be offended or unwilling to sleep somewhere else and still get together during the day. I'm inclined to be like the Nearings, who said that people liked to come by, but not stay, because they had to work and the food wasn't great. She told them "suit yourself" and felt no guilt when they left early. It was her life, after all. And that's how I'm feeling these days.

[SteveinMN]

I don't get why people would be offended or unwilling to sleep somewhere else and still get together during the day.

Maybe because 1) they have a mental picture of what they want the experience to be; and 2) in practical terms, sleeping somewhere else and getting together during the day just doesn't work out in practice as well as it does in thought. One party wonders how early they can call the other to see if they're awake and moving around, and getting ready and transporting between locations burns time too. Kids' needs complicate that process further. Maybe taking offense is an overly strong reaction, but I can see unhappiness over such an invitation.

[Gardnr]

No... don't tell me that!

IL: Yes, that was the very logical course of action for me. I don't get why people would be offended or unwilling to sleep somewhere else and still get together during the day. I'm inclined to be like the Nearings, who said that people liked to come by, but not stay, because they had to work and the food wasn't great. She told them "suit yourself" and felt no guilt when they left early. It was her life, after all. And that's how I'm feeling these days.

Having had this experience when invited to family events, arriving to find out we are in a hotel (at our own expense which is NOT my issue).....it does feel quite different. You wake up in a hotel, make coffee IF it is provided, shower get dressed, wait for a phone call or text that says "we're up, come on over, get in car, drive to "the home" where everyone has been up chatting and catching up for awhile, comfy in their jammies or shorts or sweats and you feel like you've missed out on half the day. and the reverse in the evening. Now if it's close walking distance allowing a stroll over in jammies that is different.

Don't get me wrong, we have only 1 guest room in each city and mountain home. Well, the cabin has an open loft with a double bed so we could have 4 guests in beds. We did not buy for a bunch of guests a few days each year.

[Tybee]

Oh Kay, that's just awful. I think that is what I fear happening. IL, why do you want to add on to your Hermann house? Is it so you can add a bathroom and guest space? I knew someone in SC who did that--just added a bathroom and a front porch, which made house much better for guests. Cheaper than moving, for sure.

Catherine, I wonder how many other grandparents/parents are going through this. My son was kind enough to bring my grandson up a couple of years ago, and the dog had a torn asl and I had to keep the dog and the grandbaby separate--my son wanted me to take out the baby gate, but the dog was in pain, and is shy and fearful, and it was so tense.

[catherine]

Oh Kay, that's just awful. I think that is what I fear happening. IL, why do you want to add on to your Hermann house? Is it so you can add a bathroom and guest space? I knew someone in SC who did that--just added a bathroom and a front porch, which made house much better for guests. Cheaper than moving, for sure.

Catherine, I wonder how many other grandparents/parents are going through this. My son was kind enough to bring my grandson up a couple of years ago, and the dog had a torn asl and I had to keep the dog and the grandbaby separate--my son wanted me to take out the baby gate, but the dog was in pain, and is shy and fearful, and it was so tense.

Well, at least I don't have the complication of a dog anymore. I love dogs, and I miss my Nessie desperately, but I have no desire to get another dog. Why would kids expect their parents to continue to give and give and give?

[catherine]

Why would kids expect their parents to continue to give and give and give?

Just to clarify, my kids are not demanding. They have always been loving and giving to ME. Maybe it's MY problem. That I WANT to give and give and give but don't have the bandwidth. My kids absolutely understand that, and they have since they were 9 years old and thanked me profusely for giving them a pack of tube socks for their birthdays, when that was all I could afford. So I am NOT talking about my kids' expectations. I'm talking about my own wish that I could just keep giving to them, but I know that I can't. Tybee, to your point about Helen Nearing, I hear what you're saying.

[iris lilies]

... IL, why do you want to add on to your Hermann house? Is it so you can add a bathroom and guest space? I knew someone in SC who did that--just added a bathroom and a front porch, which made house much better for guests. Cheaper than moving, for sure....

We dont have a plan from the architect yet. But I envision building on a room in back with lots of windows to take advantage of our view, it is really sweet.

When we first got this house, I was talking to DH about necessary renovations (the garage- turned-bedroom needs to become a kitchen and oh yeah, lets add some HVAC, haha and we need a double garage) and
I said “and then in a few years we can add a 3 season room” and soon after, it struck me that hell, we need to build that NOW because “in a few years” I will be dead.

this house has been messed with several times. It has 5 exterior doors, to illustrate one thing that is problematic.

So anyway, this house needs a re working of the space, and we arent doing that to accomodate guests. I am doing it to make it more accomodating to MY everyday life.