Practical strategies to cope with being alone?

[catherine]

If my DH were a minimalist he'd definitely be a bandit purger. But I could never, ever be. We have all the kids' stuff in our garage, and I have actually retrieved stuff of theirs from the curb that he put out there on garbage day. I think it's really disrespectful to throw out someone's stuff without asking them first. And my kids have even given me permission to get rid of the stuff! They don't even know what's in there, and they've been out of the house for 10 years+! I will almost definitely have a change of heart when I go to sell the house, though.

BUT, I think a mom has the right to purge clothes from a six year old's closet, unless the child has a particular item of clothing that they love.

[Ultralight]

I am mostly against bandit purging. I want the person to want to purge.

But I do think there are times when The State has the right and obligation to bandit purge. Case in point: Unsanitary or dangerous hoarding conditions.

[merince]

My kids are a little older - ten and seven. I tell them I am going to clean out their dressers and anything that is torn, stained or wrong size will go. Usually, they start helping but quickly lose interest. You cannot expect a kid to want to purge - that is a boring activity.

[Teacher Terry]

When my kids were little I gave away their clothes and toys they outgrew and they knew that the stuff was going to foster homes for the kids. Occasionally they would meet one of the fosters because the parents or guardian wouldn’t be home on time so I would bring them home. People would be running late, etc and I would need to get home for my kids. As teens they would decide.

[ToomuchStuff]

The minimalist mom told me this when we were having a drink: "I might be an over-purger!"

I said: "No such thing!"

And we both giggled.

Wouldn't that depend on if she did binging first?

[iris lilies]

uL, at a recent garden club meeting, someone came to the meeting clutching Marie Kondo’s book and said “I was hoping to hook up with someone here to talk about de cluttering!”

Even though I had already agreed to go out to lunch with others after the meeting, I went to lunch with the declutterer. We had lots of conversations about it.

[Miss Cellaneous]

When I was a kid, my parents "bandit purged" before every move. Dad was in the military, so we moved a lot.

Looking back as an adult, I can understand why they did this. With seven kids, the amount of work they would have had to do to get all of us to sort through and discard some of our things would have been a major undertaking, and would have taken months of nagging. And some of my siblings still wouldn't have finished by moving day.

However, this stealth purging led to us hiding things whenever we knew a move was coming. Let's just say that my parents did not always make good choices. Mom thought that I put a doll in a box in my dresser because I didn't like it anymore. In fact, it had been a gift from my grandmother. It was a doll she had had as a child. It was fragile, I loved it, and I was trying to take good care of it. And it got tossed. So we learned to cling to stuff, and hide it, because we weren't given the option to choose for ourselves what to keep and what to let go of. And when you are in a new house, new state or country, new school every year or two, having old, familiar things around you can be comforting. When those things are just suddenly gone one day when you come home from school, it is jarring.

And we did not learn, as children, how to evaluate things and make choices about what to keep and what to donate/trash. I think this is an important skill that parents should teach children. For years after I was on my own, I kept everything, even things that I knew I should let go, because I didn't know how to let things go. My childhood had only taught me how to cling to things.

I'm not a hoarder, but my home does get cluttered with stuff from time to time, and I have to force myself to deal with letting things go. It is still a bit difficult, but I have been able to set limits on how much/what things to keep, which has helped immensely.

[Ultralight]

uL, at a recent garden club meeting, someone came to the meeting clutching Marie Kondo’s book and said “I was hoping to hook up with someone here to talk about de cluttering!”

Even though I had already agreed to go out to lunch with others after the meeting, I went to lunch with the declutterer. We had lots of conversations about it.

Was she my type?

[Ultralight]

The minimalist mom gave me the old heave-ho today via email. She said she is taking a break from dated and wished me well.

I thanked her for her candor and wished her well too. My guess is she was not interested in me in particular, but softened her message by saying she was taking a break from dating.

Probably for the best, I don't think it could have worked anyway.

[SteveinMN]

I'm sorry to hear that, UL. But good for you for giving the relationship a shot.

[JaneV2.0]

I have a practical strategy--enjoy your own company. There are no guarantees you'll find a partner--or keep one--so learning to entertain yourself is a valuable skill.

[iris lilies]

Was she my type?

Haha, she is old and married.

[Ultralight]

Haha, she is old and married.

How old and how married?!

[JaneV2.0]

I inquired something like that once about a mutual acquaintance--"How married?" :D
Those were the days.

[Ultralight]

I went on a date with a lovely Tanzanian woman last weekend. Age 46, no kids, never married, college educated, employed full time.

We met for tea at a cafe and then strolled through the neighborhood together.

The rapport was natural and easy! Conversation flowed pretty well and we learned a lot about each other.

[catherine]

Sounds like you had a great time, UL!

[Ultralight]

Sounds like you had a great time, UL!

Yes! Then she told me she is in the process of adopting a baby from Africa.

[Teacher Terry]

You are jinxed:))

[rosarugosa]

Yes! Then she told me she is in the process of adopting a baby from Africa.

Oh come on! You were holding that one back as a zinger - and it was certainly a good one! :laff:

[iris lilies]

Yes! Then she told me she is in the process of adopting a baby from Africa.
Oh sweet jesus.

[iris lilies]

Oh come on! You were holding that one back as a zinger - and it was certainly a good one! :laff:
Yeah, he can do comedy. He has gotta turn this show into humor otherwise he will cry.

[spatula]

Meditation has helped a lot. It made me realize that I can be happy while being alone. In the quiet of reading a book, or journaling. But being alone all the time can be hard too. You can try local meetups in your area.

[bae]

This past week has been pretty much my first week of being alone for real. It's a work in progress :-)

[SteveinMN]

This past week has been pretty much my first week of being alone for real. It's a work in progress :-)
To appropriate a phrase from another status, "It gets better."

[JaneV2.0]

I'm fortunate; I spent my formative years as an only child. I learned to love solitude roaming the fields and dunes as a junior naturalist. I require little companionship. Although I wouldn't mind a little more than I have now, I'm pretty happy entertaining myself. Right now I'm watching the neighborhood birds make drunken fools of themselves diving at Madrona berries in the sunlight.

[Ultralight]

Last night I went to a long happy hour as two colleagues were quitting and moving on.

The happy hour ended up going until past 1am.

But... some people brought their spouses or significant others.

And I made what I consider an observation of note.

If you don't have a partner but you want one, people look at you a certain way.

If you do want a partner and you do indeed have one, then people look at you like you are worthy of having a partner.

[Ultralight]

I have a dang cold today. Which sucks...

And it sucks more because I am sweating it out alone.

[SteveinMN]

If you don't have a partner but you want one, people look at you a certain way.

If you do want a partner and you do indeed have one, then people look at you like you are worthy of having a partner.
I've long observed that myself. I met more potential girlfriends when I was with a girlfriend than I did when I was solo. Best I can figure it, being seen with a girlfriend means you must be an okay partner; if you're not, you're (at best) an unknown quantity. Not a complete theory, I know, but it happened enough to me to draw a line among the dots.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I suspect it's just how people can react to what they perceive as failure at things they think should be perfectly achievable if one wants them. I mean if one fails at the impossible dream (to make it into pro-sports or to break into acting or something), people get that, as those goals were kind of beyond them to begin with, but at the commonplace .. If one really and truly doesn't want something it's not failure exactly (might in some cases be strange but that is a lesser stigma to just be seen as a weirdo than to be seen as a failure).

[herbgeek]

Steve- another possibility: when you have a partner, you are being more yourself, relaxed and others can see that. When I've seen people alone (particularly in venues where there is alcohol), sometimes people can exude a more hungry/looking vibe which can also appear as needy. You get a better response to relaxed vs.needy.

[Ultralight]

I suspect it's just how people can react to what they perceive as failure at things they think should be perfectly achievable if one wants them. I mean if one fails at the impossible dream (to make it into pro-sports or to break into acting or something), people get that, as those goals were kind of beyond them to begin with, but at the commonplace .. If one really and truly doesn't want something it's not failure exactly (might in some cases be strange but that is a lesser stigma to just be seen as a weirdo than to be seen as a failure).

Good points here. I have another colleague who has zero interest in a life partner. He is fiercely independent. He doesn't get the "you failed at what ought to be easy -- finding a life partner" look like I get.

[Ultralight]

Steve- another possibility: when you have a partner, you are being more yourself, relaxed and others can see that. When I've seen people alone (particularly in venues where there is alcohol), sometimes people can exude a more hungry/looking vibe which can also appear as needy. You get a better response to relaxed vs.needy.

I tend to be pretty darned gregarious at our happy hours and work events. Maybe that is seen as hungry?

But I am the instigator of play, the joker. I got us all playing duckpin bowling on Friday night's happy hour. Lots of goofy celebratory dances and poses for strikes and spares.

I have a tendency to use a lot of self-deprecating humor (I mean, the well of material is bottomless!). And much of that comes from my wacky dating experiences.

At work I am thought of "the person who will say what is on everyone else's mind" according to my colleagues who resigned. They respect me as a truth teller but not really as a leader or even as a dedicated professional.

[JaneV2.0]

I remember being able to spot that hungry/needy/desperate vibe from afar. I always avoided those people because I knew they weren't interested in me per se. Anyone would do.

[SteveinMN]

Steve- another possibility: when you have a partner, you are being more yourself, relaxed and others can see that.
Maybe... I like to think I didn't get by for several years of being single constantly looking around and seeming needy. If anything I strapped the filters on a bit more tightly when I had a girlfriend because there still was an impression to be made and situations in which I was around her friends, who didn't yet know me. The "relaxed" part came later.

[catherine]

Maybe... I like to think I didn't get by for several years of being single constantly looking around and seeming needy. If anything I strapped the filters on a bit more tightly when I had a girlfriend because there still was an impression to be made and situations in which I was around her friends, who didn't yet know me. The "relaxed" part came later.

I can see that. I remember a boss who told me "It's easier to get a job when you have a job" and maybe the same is true for getting a life partner. Thinking out loud, but maybe an aura of "success" speaks volumes: whether it's financial success or success in relationships. "Everybody wants a winner, so nobody wants me." My DS34 struggles with this so much, being an "unconventional" success--meaning he loves his job, he devotes a lot of time to his music and he's inspired by his surroundings. But society sometimes demands a different definition. Doesn't matter. Find that person who sees your success. And nothing wrong with "faking it til you make it"--I've done a lot of that.

I was going to post the Liza Minelli Caberet version of this great song but that's a little outdated, so I'm going to post this awesome version of an American Idol contestant, Michael J. Woodard.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZzfiPPeTCAU

[JaneV2.0]

There's likely something to that; my partner was attached when I met him.

[bae]

Now that I'm about three months out from my partner leaving, I must apparently read as "happy and not insane", as random decent folks are asking me out, out-of-the-blue. It's very odd, I have zero experience in these matters. I have never been on a date in my life, for instance, if you don't count a few formal "dates" with my partner when we were teenagers.

I suppose I better budget more for coffee in town and such.

[Gardnr]

I suppose I better budget more for coffee in town and such.

LOL.....enjoy some friendly conversation. I've been w/hubby since we were 16 so I have nothing to offer.

[SteveinMN]

Despite the circumstances which got you there, bae, revel in your status as a person worthy of being pursued. :) I enjoyed dating, but, then, rejection (at least early on) didn't bother me at all and I liked getting to know new and different people, especially after many years of it being otherwise. Yes, budget some more money. It's a good way to spend it, IMHO.

[Ultralight]

Now that I'm about three months out from my partner leaving, I must apparently read as "happy and not insane", as random decent folks are asking me out, out-of-the-blue. It's very odd, I have zero experience in these matters. I have never been on a date in my life, for instance, if you don't count a few formal "dates" with my partner when we were teenagers.

I suppose I better budget more for coffee in town and such.

Have fun, amigo! :)

[Ultralight]

Despite the circumstances which got you there, bae, revel in your status as a person worthy of being pursued. :)

Agree with this 100%!

[Teacher Terry]

I think that is great Bae! You never know when or where you will meet your next partner.

[bae]

Apparently also, the phrase "Netflix and chill" has some meanings with which I was previously unacquainted with.

[Tradd]

Bae, that sounds promising. A chance for coffee out and possibly some interesting conversation.

[SteveinMN]

Apparently also, the phrase "Netflix and chill" has some meanings with which I was previously unacquainted with.
Umm, should one of us more-recently-singled folk have a little chat with you? ;)

Dating now is very different than it was 20-30 years ago, in both good and bad ways.

[JaneV2.0]

I saw this coming. After all, you live in a tight-knit community and word travels fast.

"Netflix and chill?" Those saucy minxes aren't wasting any time...:D

[Tiam]

I haven't read this entire thread, but I, too, find myself in a life I never really imagined at this age of 59. Alone. No boy friend, no husband, no significant other. And I'm an extreme introvert. Getting out and doing stuff outside of my comfort zone is extraordinarily difficult for me. Other than the odd get together with a grown child or an old acquaintance, I spend every day, day in, day out alone. I'm not terrible 'lonely' per se, because alone time is not bad.I need it and enjoy it, but it is unbalanced. I would like a companion to be with but have no desire to get out there. I'm kind of hopelessly out of touch with the world, I have some mobility issues so the usual, getting out into our beautiful wild country to hike, bird watch, ski, dance or whatever isn't really something I do much of. I have no peers interested in what I am interested in. No one who wants to share my thoughts or interests..No religious or political affiliation.I have a job, so I get face to face human interaction, such as it is, but finding a way to live a life alone and to find others with common interests is much, much harder.

[Tiam]

To appropriate a phrase from another status, "It gets better."


I'm starting to ask: Really? Can't see it right now. Reminds me of a Beatles lyric: "You got to admit it's getting better. It's getting better, all the time. (Can't get much worse!" Not sure about that last lyric.

[Ultralight]

I haven't read this entire thread, but I, too, find myself in a life I never really imagined at this age of 59. Alone. No boy friend, no husband, no significant other.

You may not have read the whole thread. But you totally get it. This is, in large part, what this thread is about.

I am 39, divorced, live by myself, and have no good prospects for a life partner. So I feel your anguish too.


And I'm an extreme introvert. Getting out and doing stuff outside of my comfort zone is extraordinarily difficult for me.

This is tricky. I do like to get out there and do stuff. The problem is that while I make acquaintances I don't really make deep friendships. So there is this hole in my social fabric...

So even if you were getting out there, it is no guarantee that you'd make great connections.


Other than the odd get together with a grown child or an old acquaintance, I spend every day, day in, day out alone.

How many grown kids do you have? Do they know you suffer from chronic loneliness?

A colleague of mine and I were talking about this on Friday. We go home every night to our apartments. No one is there but our dog. We make dinner for one. Every night.


I'm not terrible 'lonely' per se, because alone time is not bad.I need it and enjoy it, but it is unbalanced.

You literally need the balance.


I would like a companion to be with but have no desire to get out there.

I liken this feeling to freezing to death. At first you might be like: "I gotta get warm! I got to!" and you struggle against the cold.

But after a certain amount of time you stop struggling. And then you notice that you don't feel so cold anymore, you don't even shiver. You just feel sleepy. Then you start to doze off...

But this is literally how people die from freezing!

So you must keep struggling!


I'm kind of hopelessly out of touch with the world, I have some mobility issues so the usual, getting out into our beautiful wild country to hike, bird watch, ski, dance or whatever isn't really something I do much of.

Are you able to cook? The government in the UK is doing all sorts of things to help people with chronic loneliness. One of the main things they suggest are cooking classes.


I have no peers interested in what I am interested in. No one who wants to share my thoughts or interests..No religious or political affiliation.

What are your thoughts and interests?


I have a job, so I get face to face human interaction, such as it is, but finding a way to live a life alone and to find others with common interests is much, much harder.

The job might skate you through for several more years. But I encourage you to keep looking for other connections!

[SteveinMN]

Originally Posted by SteveinMN http://www.simplelivingforum.net/images/buttons/viewpost-right.png (http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?p=311103#post311103)
To appropriate a phrase from another status, "It gets better."
I'm starting to ask: Really? Can't see it right now. Reminds me of a Beatles lyric: "You got to admit it's getting better. It's getting better, all the time. (Can't get much worse!" Not sure about that last lyric.
In my case, it certainly did. In bae's case, I believe it will. I think attitude has a lot to do with it.

When I divorced (in my 40s), I knew I needed to be okay with the idea that I might never be in another long-term relationship. Not that I had to like the idea but it was a possibility. On the other hand, by then I knew it was better to be alone than wish I was. I knew I was my own good company. I had a career, I had friends, I had interests and I believed I had a lot to bring to a long-term relationship. Despite being highly introverted and sailing into uncharted territory, I knew I probably would be okay. And I am.

When my ex and I separated, I took steps to make sure I didn’t make my new life too comfortable. I moved from a large-ish suburban house to a studio apartment in a busy, very walkable neighborhood. Small kitchen, no cable, dial-up Internet. "Forced" exposure to people as I walked for exercise or looked in interesting stores or ate at a local restaurant. I didn't want to "cocoon" when I got home after work. I sure-as-shooting wasn't going to meet anyone new in my apartment so I took steps to minimize that. I went to concerts and movies and restaurants by myself. I let family and friends I trusted know I was okay with being fixed up with women they knew. I was pretty fearless about asking women out on dates; I wasn’t asking for the rest of their lives; just for a few hours. And, just as every woman was not going to be my cup of tea, I was sure I wouldn't be every woman's cup of tea, so a 'no' didn't bring me down. Sure, there were lonely times. But I knew if I did not push myself, I would not get what I wanted. UL's "freezing" metaphor is quite applicable here.

I will grant that life at 40 is different from life at 60. Women over 50, particularly, seem to enjoy/endure a kind of invisibility (depends on their reaction to it, I think). But DW and I met at 47. And I know at least 4-6 women in their 50s and 60s that I would pursue right now if I were not married. I think being single when one is older is tougher than when you're younger. But, like so many other goals in life, it can be worth pushing yourself to get what you (say you) want.

In bae's case, he has many activities in which he engages; he's mentioned visiting the mainland more often to meet people, and he expresses (at least in the posts I've read here) a willingness to move on with life and not let his current situation be the endgame. I think he'll be okay.

[Lainey]

Tiam,
all it takes is one or two buddies to make life much more enjoyable. You're old enough to join the local chapter of AARP, for instance. Here they have simple events like going to the movies together. Even sitting in a theater watching a film together with the option of a coffee before or after is a nice outing.
I'd also suggest Meetup.com As others have said, online is where it's at these days and even trying a few get-togethers would be more activity than you have now. A book club, a pottery making class, or auditing a local college class. May be corny but it does work.

And I don't know your living situation but there are a number of 55+ senior only apartments here in the metro Phoenix area. I've heard many stories of people who initially reluctantly moved into them only to find they really enjoyed being with others their age. You naturally start socializing at the pool, or in the mailroom area, or laundry room, etc. It's not forced, but they find themselves making acquaintances and then friends.

There's plenty of other introverts out there, just take the first steps and you'll be glad you did.

[iris lilies]

UL, I love that metaphor of freezing.

Another idea is atrophy, like muscle atrophy, ya know? —our social skills atrophy if we dont use them. Part of our social skills are skills to develop and maintain deep relationships.

I am not a very social person and humans irritate me. Yet, I have to deal with the humans in order to accomplish the work that I think is important. Ugh, humans. I suppose I can complain about them because I have a richness of human interaction. But our deep friendships are much fewer because our friends are moving away.

I will also say that in my experience strong bonds are formed with other people through work. I don’t mean you have to be friends with your colleagues at your paid job. I mean that the strong bonds with people in our neighborhood came through joint work projects, and then we would knock off and have beers and food.


Already I am seeing the connections in our Herman place. I am recognizing the same names over and over who are leaders in the community who do the work at the history Museum, the arts Council‘s, etc. etc. It is already reminding me of this neighborhood. When I searched for a weekend house, I was looking for places that had strong social institutions.

[Teacher Terry]

IL, have your friends left St. Louis or just the neighborhood? Do you think you may move to Hermann full time? Team, I would join some meetup groups as others suggested. A friend of mine is 72 and not looking for a man. She joined a book club and a year later are happily living together. This is something she never thought would happen at her age.

[iris lilies]

It is looking more and more likely that we will move to Hermann permanently. In the next 18 months our two closest friends will be gone, and that is after seeing several move over the past five years. One is moving across the country, the other is moving within the region but 30 minutes away.

[catherine]

It is looking more and more likely that we will move to Hermann permanently. In the next 18 months our two closest friends will be gone, and that is after seeing several move over the past five years. One is moving across the country, the other is moving within the region but 30 minutes away.


Wow!!! Big change! How are you feeling about that?

[Teacher Terry]

Yes that is a big change. Get the house completely done before you move otherwise you know what will happen:))

[iris lilies]

Wow!!! Big change! How are you feeling about that?
Every day now I think about not living in this house here in the city. I love our first floor because I thnk it is beautiful with its 11’ tall ceilings, crown molding, pink and green color scheme. It leads right into our outdoor space, a brick
patio and stone steps up into flower and orchard. I love our first floor!

I am indifferent to our 2nd floor (where it rains!) and our 3rd floor. The basement is good for storage. So yeah, I could move.

oh, just heard more gunshots. 1,2,3,4,5,6, and counting. The brothers, they be out and about this afternoon. Fk that chit.

But back to Hermann: it just occurred to me that we could lose all of our money and we could move to Hermann and be perfectly happy in that house the way it is. Taxes are $1000 annually. It has new windows and a new furnace. Functionally it is fine.

[boss mare]

I have a dang cold today. Which sucks...

And it sucks more because I am sweating it out alone.

to tie in with your other thread about your distain for the need for cell phones and this thread about what to do if you are alone and a life emergency happens ….
You don't get it both ways . I myself had a wake up call about 10 years ago. I was bound and determined not to learn how to text. I drove me to distraction to see people texting on their phones and not holding a real conversation...….. And I was not going to have my phone on my person during working hours



Until..... Warning full on grown up story here Might even be TMI or too much if you are squeamish




I was in a dental office with a bunch of very very very young women . Even the Dr was young enough to be my daughter

I was having some menstrual issues that was a new thing to me : irregular and very very heavy bleeding.. up until this time. I knew exactly when Aunt Flo would come and visit.
So... I end up having a "flash flood" of epic proportions while assisting and a young patient in the chair. there was nothing I could do about it and I was stuck … The Dr had already left and I was supposed to finish up and escort the patient out. Well that was not doing to happen. I had sit in the operatory to holler for about 15 or so minutes to have someone form the front desk come and escort the patient out and had to gesture what my problem was and they could also get me what I needed to clean up, and get myself into the restroom. The parent of the patient was wondering if something was wrong because her kid was not out as soon as
they should have. That all could have been avoided if I was able to text the gals in the front desk that I had an issue and come get the patient and could " clear" the hallway so I could make a "clean get away" to the employee bathroom. You better believe that I started to learn how to text that very afternoon AND I kept my phone on me..

[Ultralight]

to tie in with your other thread about your distain for the need for cell phones and this thread about what to do if you are alone and a life emergency happens ….
You don't get it both ways . I myself had a wake up call about 10 years ago. I was bound and determined not to learn how to text. I drove me to distraction to see people texting on their phones and not holding a real conversation...….. And I was not going to have my phone on my person during working hours



Until..... Warning full on grown up story here Might even be TMI or too much if you are squeamish




I was in a dental office with a bunch of very very very young women . Even the Dr was young enough to be my daughter

I was having some menstrual issues that was a new thing to me : irregular and very very heavy bleeding.. up until this time. I knew exactly when Aunt Flo would come and visit.
So... I end up having a "flash flood" of epic proportions while assisting and a young patient in the chair. there was nothing I could do about it and I was stuck … The Dr had already left and I was supposed to finish up and escort the patient out. Well that was not doing to happen. I had sit in the operatory to holler for about 15 or so minutes to have someone form the front desk come and escort the patient out and had to gesture what my problem was and they could also get me what I needed to clean up, and get myself into the restroom. The parent of the patient was wondering if something was wrong because her kid was not out as soon as
they should have. That all could have been avoided if I was able to text the gals in the front desk that I had an issue and come get the patient and could " clear" the hallway so I could make a "clean get away" to the employee bathroom. You better believe that I started to learn how to text that very afternoon AND I kept my phone on me..

That is one hell of a story.

Last week I actually had a moment when I wished I had a cell phone.

Two of my coworkers resigned on the same day. So everyone went to lunch to celebrate.

I was walking with a group of 5 of us downtown to the restaurant. We walked past the main bus station and there was a baby in a stroller. There was a man standing next to the stroller, looking into it, talking to the baby. I looked into this man's eyes and I knew he was crazy -- demented or mentally ill -- whatever you want to say. He was unstable and unhinged. As we walked past him he pointed into the stroller, looked at my coworkers and I, and shouted: "He will eat your heart!!!"

So my suspicions about this madman were confirmed in this one statement.

I don't know if this man knew the baby or was a stranger or where the mom was. We knew nothing except what we had seen.

I am very protective of children and old people. Seeing that defenseless baby at risk and in danger because of this madman upset me. I told my coworkers: "We have to do something. We cannot just let that baby be in danger."

To my utter surprise all my coworkers just wanted to ignore this and walk away.

After debating with them what to do (or if to do anything at all) for a few minutes I finally asked one of them for their cell phone. I called the heat. I explained the situation and they sent out first-responders.

During this whole episode I thought: "I wish I had a damn cell phone!"

[catherine]

Yeah, a cell phone is a tool. It's up to us to regulate its use. And it's true that the ability to text definitely comes in handy. I think about the time my MIL and I split up in a department store, and we lost each other for 2 hours!! When I found her sitting on a couch in the corner of the store, we were both livid at each other. Or a similar time when we were leaving VT in two cars--my BIL/MIL in one and my DH/kids in another. We were going to meet at a certain place before taking off to our respective homes and we waited for them forever. We finally left and when we got home, my MIL said that BIL didn't feel like meeting us. (Yes, he's been a bit strange for a long time).

Things like that don't happen anymore. "Where R U?" is SUCH a useful text message!!

[Tammy]

Thank you for not walking away UL. And I can’t believe the others would have!

[catherine]

Thank you for not walking away UL. And I can’t believe the others would have!

Yes, I agree!! UL did you ever find out what happened, or what the story was?

[SteveinMN]

I was walking with a group of 5 of us downtown to the restaurant. We walked past the main bus station and there was a baby in a stroller. There was a man standing next to the stroller, looking into it, talking to the baby. I looked into this man's eyes and I knew he was crazy -- demented or mentally ill -- whatever you want to say. He was unstable and unhinged. As we walked past him he pointed into the stroller, looked at my coworkers and I, and shouted: "He will eat your heart!!!"

So my suspicions about this madman were confirmed in this one statement.

I don't know if this man knew the baby or was a stranger or where the mom was.
Where was the mom (or dad FTM)? I find that almost as disturbing as the crazy guy.

[Teacher Terry]

I can’t believe your friends were going to walk away. Thanks for helping the baby. I saved a young girl from a man 34 years ago and never forgot it. Thanks

[bae]

Well, yick.

I've recently gone out on casual coffee/lunch/hiking dates with 4 different people who had reached out to me.

Three of them were quite reasonable folks, we had a good time. One of them could clearly "work out", in the sense of having a decent friend to hang out with and do mutually interesting things.

However, today's person, who I've known for 5-6 years casually, opened in the first 5 minutes of having coffee with such casual homophobia, transphobia, and body-shaming that, well, there was no second cup of coffee. Well, at least I got the house all spiffed up anyways.

But seriously, who leads with that sort of thing?

[Ultralight]

Well, yick.

I've recently gone out on casual coffee/lunch/hiking dates with 4 different people who had reached out to me.

Three of them were quite reasonable folks, we had a good time.

Today's person, who I've known for 5-6 years casually, opened in the first 5 minutes of having coffee with such casual homophobia, transphobia, and body-shaming that, well, there was no second cup of coffee. Well, at least I got the house all spiffed up anyways.

But seriously, who leads with that sort of thing?

Dude. You will continue to be surprised by how people conduct themselves on dates. I have some wacky-as-all-hell stories.

[bae]

Dude. You will continue to be surprised by how people conduct themselves on dates. I have some wacky-as-all-hell stories.

Give me some help here, this is all new to me!

(Damn, I'm glad I didn't give this one the full tour of the house, some of the books on some of the bookshelves would have stroked her out...)

[Ultralight]

I have had a woman tell me how "amazing" her vagina is within the first five minutes of a date.

I have had women ask me some incredibly personal questions way, way too early.

I also have had a woman -- who was white -- explain to me why she thought it was fine to use the word n-gger any time she wanted.

[Ultralight]

Give me some help here, this is all new to me!

(Damn, I'm glad I didn't give this one the full tour of the house, some of the books on some of the bookshelves would have stroked her out...)

Do you meet up at public places like parks for a walk or cafes for a beverage? Even a lunch is a good "preliminary" date, though slightly more costly.

I would be nervous to bring women to my apartment so quickly. But I tend to be very cautious.

You are also in the "Adventure" stage of dating. haha
So it might get irreverent!

[bae]

Do you meet up at public places like parks for a walk or cafes for a beverage? ...

I would be nervous to bring women to my apartment so quickly. But I tend to be very cautious.


Well, these are all folks I've known for years, many of whom have been up to the house for dinner before in different contexts. Locations so far have been: my place, their place, cafe in town, local park for dogs/hiking.

It's not strange randos from some web site. But today's person totally surprised me.

[Teacher Terry]

Wow you guys. It must be harder than I thought to act normal.

[bae]

Wow you guys. It must be harder than I thought to act normal.

Right? You'd think someone could hold it together for a cup of coffee and a scone.

(Bonus for today though: I baked enough scones for tomorrow!)

[Teacher Terry]

Too funny Bae:~)

[JaneV2.0]

I like it when people show their hand early--way preferable to those who hide all their dirt under the rug until you've invested a lot of time in them.

That reminds me of the guy I met for drinks--recommended by a friend--who spent an hour or two going on about how Hitler was right--just misunderstood--and say, I hear you drive a Volkswagen! I admitted to being partially German, which practically sent him into paroxysms of delight. I didn't see him again--he was busted in California. last I heard, for gun trafficking. I've never been a fan of blind dates, and that sealed it.

[SteveinMN]

Wow you guys. It must be harder than I thought to act normal.
For some people... I guess I was pretty lucky when I was dating, though I heard some stories from the women I was dating. One involved a first date (!) in which the guy offered to "pop" her "divorce cherry" (she declined his generosity).

I agree with Jane; better to see the dysfunction before you get too close. I preferred to meet in very public locations for the first couple of dates and always had something (even if it was organizing my shampoo bottles at home) scheduled for two hours after our date started so I had a ready excuse in case things were going south ("Oh, geez, I gotta get going..."). I was reticent on the details: didn't meet at my place (or theirs), used the throwaway email address until we became an item, etc. Though I was pretty fearless about "fishing off the company dock", the company at which I worked was big enough that, if things didn't work out, we didn't necessarily ever have to run across each other again.

I enjoyed dating, but maybe that's because I didn't run into a string of -- umm -- interesting people like that.

[saguaro]

Right? You'd think someone could hold it together for a cup of coffee and a scone.

(Bonus for today though: I baked enough scones for tomorrow!)

Married myself, but several single friends have regaled me with tales of some of their first dates. It's interesting how some people can't hold it together for just a few hours. Then again, they show their hand early so you can move on.

By chance, DH and I went to a local restaurant and lo and behold, one of my friends was there on a first date, though we didn't notice until after we were seated. They were just a few booths away but by the way the guy was talking about his divorce (broadcasting was more like it) I could see there was not going to be a next date for my friend, which there wasn't.


That reminds me of the guy I met for drinks--recommended by a friend--who spent an hour or two going on about how Hitler was right--just misunderstood--and say, I hear you drive a Volkswagen! I admitted to being partially German, which practically sent him into paroxysms of delight. I didn't see him again--he was busted in California. last I heard, for gun trafficking. I've never been a fan of blind dates, and that sealed it.

My one and only blind date was set up by a friend. It really didn't go well, just all around awkward, nothing really in common though my friend was convinced we would hit it off. But it created an awkward workplace situation afterward for my friend, as this guy was a coworker of hers and he didn't want to interact with her. It was weird for her and I felt rather bad about that.

[Ultralight]

Married myself

Wait, is that even legal?

[Chicken lady]

UL, that could be the answer to all your problems - the one person who finds all of your quirks appealing and wants to meet all of your improvement goals....

[JaneV2.0]

It's a thing. It's called sologamy.

[ToomuchStuff]

It's a thing. It's called sologamy.

The term I always heard was go f yourself.:~)