Calling heath department on hoarding parents?

You know, there are other sides to leaving your kids stuff. My mom said that one of the greatest gifts my grandmother left her was a house full of stuff. It was a huge house and very full of things ranging from very valuable to the traditional "pieces of string too short to save" (that's from a joke).

It took over a year to clear the house. Spending hours every day with her brother, focusing on what was in front of her to do, having the grandkids come to visit and look through things...

My grandmother was my mother's best friend, they literally talked to each other every day of heir mutual lives except when my mom was on her honeymoon. Mom spent the last five years of Gram's life as one of her primary care givers. And if gram had died leaving an estate that could be wrapped up in a few weeks, my mother would ave been lost. Instead, she had time to get used to the house being empty and her mother being gone and slowly add new things to her days while still needing to get up and go over to the house and "take care of things".

I had a good friend that lived in a big old house with attic, etc. They tended to just put stuff up there-not hoarders. So her cancer comes back & the first thing she does is spend an entire summer cleaning that out so if her hubby wants to move after she dies it will be easy.

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Originally Posted by Chicken lady

You know, there are other sides to leaving your kids stuff. My mom said that one of the greatest gifts my grandmother left her was a house full of stuff. It was a huge house and very full of things ranging from very valuable to the traditional "pieces of string too short to save" (that's from a joke).

It took over a year to clear the house. Spending hours every day with her brother, focusing on what was in front of her to do, having the grandkids come to visit and look through things...

My grandmother was my mother's best friend, they literally talked to each other every day of heir mutual lives except when my mom was on her honeymoon. Mom spent the last five years of Gram's life as one of her primary care givers. And if gram had died leaving an estate that could be wrapped up in a few weeks, my mother would ave been lost. Instead, she had time to get used to the house being empty and her mother being gone and slowly add new things to her days while still needing to get up and go over to the house and "take care of things".

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I think it all really depends on what a person values and if they take into consideration what their kids value.

My sis and I made it clear to my mom (and to my dad, though his problem is much less severe and would probably not exist at all if it weren't for my mom).

Neither of us want to deal with the problems associated with cleaning out her house after she passes. It is more than just stuff -- knick-knacks, trinkets, etc.

It is also urine-soaked carpets, black mold covered walls, animal-feces and vomit encrusted furniture, and so forth.

All of this ends up being a massive amount of dangerous work (exposure to toxins and disease) in a structurally unsound (because of neglect) house.

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry

I had a good friend that lived in a big old house with attic, etc. They tended to just put stuff up there-not hoarders. So her cancer comes back & the first thing she does is spend an entire summer cleaning that out so if her hubby wants to move after she dies it will be easy.

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This is going to be massively controversial. But I am going to say it anyway.

Imagine if they had never cluttered the attic. She could have spent that entire summer with her husband instead of cleaning.

Now, some might say she could have done that anyway -- just ignore the attic clutter. True enough.

But then in the wake of her death her husband has to deal with that clutter in the attic. Sad.

So why accumulate the clutter in the first place? Value your time! Use it wisely.

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Originally Posted by Chicken lady

You know, there are other sides to leaving your kids stuff. My mom said that one of the greatest gifts my grandmother left her was a house full of stuff. It was a huge house and very full of things ranging from very valuable to the traditional "pieces of string too short to save" (that's from a joke).

It took over a year to clear the house. Spending hours every day with her brother, focusing on what was in front of her to do, having the grandkids come to visit and look through things...

My grandmother was my mother's best friend, they literally talked to each other every day of heir mutual lives except when my mom was on her honeymoon. Mom spent the last five years of Gram's life as one of her primary care givers. And if gram had died leaving an estate that could be wrapped up in a few weeks, my mother would ave been lost. Instead, she had time to get used to the house being empty and her mother being gone and slowly add new things to her days while still needing to get up and go over to the house and "take care of things".

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That is a beautiful illustration of one size doesn't fit all. It is a nice example of how your mother and her mother were in sync.

But that wouldn't work for most people. I cannot imagine liking spending a year of my life fussing with someone else's junk that became my junk. I can't even imagine it if I were retired, let alone carrying a full time job. If retired, I could see spending a week or two cleaning out parental belongings and that would be ok, but no more time than that.

But out in the end, my mother was thoughtful of us kids and gave us choices or disposed of a lot of stuff in various moves and while she was capable. When we had to fully liquidate her house after she was incapable, for me it was one trip there to pick through any remaining things I wanted and taking only a few things.

My brother was left there to get rid of the stuff, but he had my blessing to hire someone to come and take it all. He would not, nor would his wife. They are the ones who felt compelled to go through each item, touching each one, fussing with it, putting it a garage sale. That is entirely on him, his choice. He kept all profits from this stuff with my blessing because it was his work that realized the profit, not mine. And believe me when
I say my mom had very little stuff by the end. And oh, I forgot this--we rented her house to a relative who later bought it, so any large pieces of furniture he wanted, he got for free. None of them were worth real money.

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Originally Posted by UltraliteAngler

This is going to be massively controversial. But I am going to say it anyway.

Imagine if they had never cluttered the attic. She could have spent that entire summer with her husband instead of cleaning.

Now, some might say she could have done that anyway -- just ignore the attic clutter. True enough.

But then in the wake of her death her husband has to deal with that clutter in the attic. Sad.

So why accumulate the clutter in the first place? Value your time! Use it wisely.

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I think you're missing something critical here: we are all doing the best we can. If we could do better, we would. This is not to say that you can't be hurt by how someone's actions affect you, but to realize that if they could do things differently, they would.

I think compassion is needed for someone who misses out on some of the good things life has to offer because they have a condition (whatever the condition or issue might be), that controls their lives to such a degree that it pushes their loved ones away.

Iris Lillies, when my grandmother was alive my mom spent three full days a week at her house, plus two half days (one morning and one afternoon/evening, both including lunch). On the other three days she either called or stopped by.

After her death, mom and my uncle spent two full weeks, and after that they just met for lunch every day and worked mornings/afternoons as the felt like it. Mom was home for dinner with dad every night - which was the first big change.

At the end they were just going by for an hour or so and not every day, and then they were meeting not at the house for lunch to hand off things that had gone home with one or the other. My grandmother died in march of 2013 and my mom just took my uncle "his last envelope of pictures from the albums." in September.

I don't think my uncle would have spent so much time with her if he hadn't felt responsible to "do his share" of the work.

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Originally Posted by watergoddess

I think you're missing something critical here: we are all doing the best we can. If we could do better, we would. This is not to say that you can't be hurt by how someone's actions affect you, but to realize that if they could do things differently, they would.

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I actually don't believe this is true.

Lol, I actually agree with you there.

Some days I am doing the best I can. Other days I am lazy and self centered.

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Originally Posted by Chicken lady

Lol, I actually agree with you there.

Some days I am doing the best I can. Other days I am lazy and self centered.

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you and me, sister!;)