Marriage issues - wonder if others can relate
I'm in a strange place with my marriage. I would normally be bringing this to a therapist, but my recent search for one of those hasn't borne fruit (though I'm not giving up). But the guy I've loved and lived with for twelve years is really bringing me down. I think it might be that he has a mood disorder. He's wonderful sometimes, then beyond cranky other times. He often shows contempt for me - eye-rolling, impatience, snapping at me, or ignoring me.
OTOH, when he's feeling good, we share all kinds of jokes and stuff. And he's adorable as a person. We feel the same way about tons of stuff. He's doing a great job in life and looks great on paper (kind of like me), but he's very, very depressed. He just got a promotion, which included more money and a better title. He seems to be really suffering in the transition to a different kind of position, though everyone LOVES him at work. (I was envious the other day when the woman I call his "work wife" sent him a card for no reason, just to tell him thanks for his help and inspiration at work).
People love him, but he's not fond of them, and is having trouble doing all kinds of things. I've urged him to sign up for an acting class or a photography class, two things he's shown interest in. He'll commit tentatively, but drops out after one class, or lets the registration date slide. He has follow-through problems that I recognize - I have them too, and especially when I'm down.
Although neither of us has ever been diagnosed with it, I think we both suffer from depressive episodes. We bring each other down when we're both at a low point. I keep thinking that if I were cheerier, I could pull him up. And when I'm down, he just sort of reinforces me. Although he does give me intellectual support - agrees with my position, my thoughts, gets it when something at work makes me feel angry or dismissed. He's pretty much the voice of reason in my life, and that among so many other things is part of why I love him.
But he's just miserable, and I'm so tired of being snapped at. I'm at a point where I'm asking myself: why keep trying?
The other day I achieved something I've been wanting since I was a child - I've been writing a book, and sending out proposals to publishers for a few months. The other day I got an email from an editor saying his publishing house is interested in signing my book! I couldn't believe it! My hubby was supportive and seemed excited for me, but in a few minutes he had picked up a book and was reading it intently - just totally checked out. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't want to count my chickens anyway until I actually sign a contract. But I would have liked to have felt some excitement coming from him. And it was weird - just lip service, but no real interest in what I've done.
He did say, "You've been talking about this for months. Six times a day -I wish I could get a book deal, I wish I could get a book deal." It sounded sarcastic, not really supportive. And a few days before that he said, "You're going crazy." I had probably been talking about one of my paranoid themes, which is something like "my co-workers don't like me." He hears this all the time, and I'm sure he's sick of it. But he's never said I was going crazy in a serious way. It sounded like a criticism - it wasn't a friendly sort of thing at all.
We bicker about money non-stop.
And - we're incompatible in other ways, but this is long enough already.
We don't have kids, just a big fat lazy cat we both love. If we separate, I don't see any reason to stop being friends - as long as he would still want that. He's younger than me, and I feel like he really deserves a shot at being happy with someone who would be better for him.
But I'm feeling an intense desire to just curl up alone in a dark room and not have to see him for a while, until I figure out what I want to do.
Has anyone gone through this - is anyone going through something like this right now? Just feeling a bit down, since this is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy, etc...
Thanks for listening!
