Marriage issues - wonder if others can relate

[kitten]

I'm in a strange place with my marriage. I would normally be bringing this to a therapist, but my recent search for one of those hasn't borne fruit (though I'm not giving up). But the guy I've loved and lived with for twelve years is really bringing me down. I think it might be that he has a mood disorder. He's wonderful sometimes, then beyond cranky other times. He often shows contempt for me - eye-rolling, impatience, snapping at me, or ignoring me.

OTOH, when he's feeling good, we share all kinds of jokes and stuff. And he's adorable as a person. We feel the same way about tons of stuff. He's doing a great job in life and looks great on paper (kind of like me), but he's very, very depressed. He just got a promotion, which included more money and a better title. He seems to be really suffering in the transition to a different kind of position, though everyone LOVES him at work. (I was envious the other day when the woman I call his "work wife" sent him a card for no reason, just to tell him thanks for his help and inspiration at work).

People love him, but he's not fond of them, and is having trouble doing all kinds of things. I've urged him to sign up for an acting class or a photography class, two things he's shown interest in. He'll commit tentatively, but drops out after one class, or lets the registration date slide. He has follow-through problems that I recognize - I have them too, and especially when I'm down.

Although neither of us has ever been diagnosed with it, I think we both suffer from depressive episodes. We bring each other down when we're both at a low point. I keep thinking that if I were cheerier, I could pull him up. And when I'm down, he just sort of reinforces me. Although he does give me intellectual support - agrees with my position, my thoughts, gets it when something at work makes me feel angry or dismissed. He's pretty much the voice of reason in my life, and that among so many other things is part of why I love him.

But he's just miserable, and I'm so tired of being snapped at. I'm at a point where I'm asking myself: why keep trying?

The other day I achieved something I've been wanting since I was a child - I've been writing a book, and sending out proposals to publishers for a few months. The other day I got an email from an editor saying his publishing house is interested in signing my book! I couldn't believe it! My hubby was supportive and seemed excited for me, but in a few minutes he had picked up a book and was reading it intently - just totally checked out. I don't have a lot of friends, and I don't want to count my chickens anyway until I actually sign a contract. But I would have liked to have felt some excitement coming from him. And it was weird - just lip service, but no real interest in what I've done.

He did say, "You've been talking about this for months. Six times a day -I wish I could get a book deal, I wish I could get a book deal." It sounded sarcastic, not really supportive. And a few days before that he said, "You're going crazy." I had probably been talking about one of my paranoid themes, which is something like "my co-workers don't like me." He hears this all the time, and I'm sure he's sick of it. But he's never said I was going crazy in a serious way. It sounded like a criticism - it wasn't a friendly sort of thing at all.

We bicker about money non-stop.

And - we're incompatible in other ways, but this is long enough already.

We don't have kids, just a big fat lazy cat we both love. If we separate, I don't see any reason to stop being friends - as long as he would still want that. He's younger than me, and I feel like he really deserves a shot at being happy with someone who would be better for him.

But I'm feeling an intense desire to just curl up alone in a dark room and not have to see him for a while, until I figure out what I want to do.

Has anyone gone through this - is anyone going through something like this right now? Just feeling a bit down, since this is supposed to be a time of celebration and joy, etc...

Thanks for listening!

[Stella]

I think all marriages have ups and downs. I mean, all I have to go on here is a post on an internet forum, but I think life is just kind of like that. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's a struggle. I really doubt that separating or finding another relationship is going to change that. It is what it is, you know. Nobody is compatible in every way, but it sounds like you have a pretty good base underneath it all. Shared values, sense of humour, etc. I'd keep at it.

[Stella]

I forgot to say, congratulations on the book deal! So cool!

I hope I didn't seem dismissive. You said you are prone to depression yourself, which I have struggled with too. I find that I really have to stop telling myself that if X, Y or Z were different, I wouldn't be so down. I tend to read way more into what people say when I am depressed than is actually meant and kind of talk myself in circles. Since you mention paranoid themes, maybe that is just a common thing for people who are depressed.

Aside from getting rid of really toxic people, crazymakers who thrive on made-up drama, alcoholics, etc. I haven't really found that the answer to my problems is in a change of scenery or a change of company. The changes are in myself. The same is likely true for both you and your husband. He's not going to necessarily find some magical person who is better for him. It's not about that. Similarly, while it is sometimes hard not to get what you need from your spouse, sometimes you just have to decide that you are going to decide to be OK anyway.

[bae]

Have him see a real doctor, there are plenty of underlying medical conditions that could be contributing to his behavior.

[redfox]

Have him see a real doctor, there are plenty of underlying medical conditions that could be contributing to his behavior.

Absolutely. A solid medical doctor can & will refer to a therapist as appropriate. And, of course, he's a grown-up, and can make his own choices, so if he doesn't want treatment, that's his business.

Marriages do go through many cycles. You're describing behavior that I would consider disrespectful and contemptuous, which is what eye-rolling is. Very hurtful. May I suggest reading Dr. John Gottman's work? He has many good books on marriage. Bonus... He's a real doctor, of the PhD variety.

Here is his website: http://www.gottman.com/

[kitten]

Thanks Redfox for the Gottman book - haven't heard of him, but he sounds interesting.

Yes Bae, I agree - I think he could use treatment too. He's had a couple of bad experiences with therapists, so he's not at all keen on pursuing treatment. He is on a medication called citalopram - he's been on it for a few years, but I wonder if drug therapies lose their effectiveness over time? He's having angry episodes that are just like what he had when we first met, before he went on medication. His physician is pretty passive and underwhelming, never asks him questions, and hubby doesn't volunteer much - claims the guy makes him uncomfortable, so he just wants to get out of there as soon as possible. We need to find him a better doctor for sure.

We found out this year that he has a lymph condition called
sarcoidosis, but they didn't say anything about the possibility of it affecting his mood. Something to ask about.

This marriage thing is supposed to be for better or worse, and I know that- I don't want to be selfish in how I approach this. But it's hard - we just hate being around each other right now. He'll ride me about getting time off from work to match his vacation, and then when I've got the dates and we're both free to do something with our time off - no enthusiasm, and he just shuts me down no matter what I suggest. Everything is NO! It's like he's a two year old, going through that phase where self-assertion is all about refusal. I am older than him, but I'm not his mother. I keep thinking: he shouldn't do this to me!

He's having problems with his mother too at the moment. He has apologized for being cranky during this time. But he seems unable to stop scapegoating me.

Still, as you say, if he won't make a move to help himself, there's not a lot I can do.

Stella, thanks for your response. You're right, we have a lot going for us together. It just seems to be submerged right now. I agree, it's important to keep level-headed no matter what is happening in my marriage. Is that what you meant - lol?

I do think that there's such a thing as the writing on the wall though...As I get older, I just feel that my time is limited and I want to spend it the way I want. I don't want to be unhappy, staying longer at work, which I hate, so I don't have to go home, which I also hate. I hate having to hate my life...

Thanks guys for your compassionate responses, it's really helping right now!

[bae]

How old is he?

Get a *real* doctor on the case - his depression might simply be a symptom of some other underlying problem (sleep apnea, low testosterone, thyroid issues, diet problems, lots of things...)

[kitten]

Hi Bae, yes, he has a physician, the one who prescribed Citalopram for him a while back. A few months ago hubby had a strange episode at work - flashing lights, memory loss, a moment where he couldn't see. We rushed him to the doctor, thinking it might have been a stroke.

They did every test they make on my hubby. EVERYTHING! (We just got a bill for the battery of tests - over 20k. Thank goodness for insurance, lol. ) They did every brain/heart/lung thing, every blood test, every cat scan and brain imaging thing you can imagine. They've been putting him through these tests over a period of months, and the docs are totally baffled. They think it was a severe migraine. His thyroid is normal, his brain looks fine, his heart seems great. They put him on baby aspirin just in case - which doesn't make sense to me. I mean, if they determined beyond a doubt that he doesn't have any blood or heart problems, why is keeping his blood thin important?

I think they're just baffled.

They discovered he has a lymph node thing called sarcoidosis, an inflammatory condition of the lungs which is not super serious - apparently it often clears up on its own. Doesn't seem related to mood.

Hubby is 37.

Low testosterone, interesting, I suppose it's possible.

Oh, another thing - he's been on Jenny Craig for a couple of years now. He's lost about 60 pounds. The food is supposed to be nutritionally balanced, but it's possible he's having some kind of reaction to it.

We'll find a new doc and see if we can nail it down. Thanks for the ideas

How old is he?

Get a *real* doctor on the case - his depression might simply be a symptom of some other underlying problem (sleep apnea, low testosterone, thyroid issues, diet problems, lots of things...)

[bunnys]

Having to eat Jenny Craig food for a couple of years would depress me.

Bae: Why do you continue to say "real" doctor? Has this guy been going to witch doctors or podiatrists?

Psychiatrists are MD's and psychologists are PhD's.

[bae]

Having to eat Jenny Craig food for a couple of years would depress me.

Bae: Why do you continue to say "real" doctor? Has this guy been going to witch doctors or podiatrists?

Psychiatrists are MD's and psychologists are PhD's.

By "real" doctor I mean one interested in getting to the bottom of things. I have noticed a wide variance in the skill levels and interest in reaching a root cause amongst members of the medical profession.