Wishing I could figure out the friend thing

Yesterday I was noticing that I am watching "tv" (online) too much again. And I realized I am watching shows with weird, socially disfunctional characters because they are comforting. I am lonely and I want to hang out with the characters.

i was telling dh about a social interaction that didn't go well at the foodbank yesterday and he said "we have a guy at work who always tells too much truth. You'd love him." And I asked "can you bring him home to dinner?" Dh laughed. I said " seriously." He said "no."

I told him I need to do something about my social life. "My best friends are 16 y.o. Autistics kids" ("aspbergers" is now "high functioning autism") he said "it's about where you hang out."

So I asked where I should hang out and he just said "I don't know, I have no friends because I'm always at work or working on this house." (Or playing racquetball after work on Mondays, golf group after work on Tuesdays, racquetball or soccer on Wednesdays, stopping off at the bar with guys from work on Fridays. - I'm not complaining, I just don't think that was an honest statement, so don't feel too sorry for him)

i remember having a conversation with one of my best friends from college about how his mom would get upset with him because neighborhood kids would come over and ask if he wanted to come out and play and he would ask " and do what?" And when they would suggest something he'd give a response like "no, I'd rather read." And go back inside. Made sense to me.

is there a "dating" app where you can list "socially disfunctional overly honest introvert with the following interests seeks friends within a 15 minute drive who will go home unoffended when told to, for conversation during parallel activities"?

yes, I know that's funny. It's also serious. Part of the problem with my life is that people laugh in the wrong places.

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Originally Posted by Chicken lady

is there a "dating" app where you can list "socially disfunctional overly honest introvert with the following interests seeks friends within a 15 minute drive who will go home unoffended when told to, for conversation during parallel activities"?

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:)

I don't know if there's an app for that, but sounds tempting to me, CL. Too bad you don't live in Central Jersey!

Interesting dilemma. There is a fair amount of friend shopping on the sites I visit. I dont have any answers for ya, CL.

one suggestion for you, since you are anti-social try a few activities with other people for a limited time.

Say, some kind of class that meets once or twice a week for an hour?

It is easier to commit for a limited time and see where it leads.

Even some volunteer work might be good.

If not for work and church, I would never leave the house...........

Quilt guild? Polymer clay group? (I threw that in because with your ceramics background, you might be a natural.) Book club?

Maybe You could teach a class to adults with autism? I think there's quite an overlap between people with Asperger's and so-called neurotypical people. IMO, Asperger's is just another variation of people, and not a pathology.

I love my job. The coworkers I like are all very busy and live 45 minutes or more away.

i'm not a church person - too much honesty

i'm volunteering 3x every 2 weeks at the food bank. It would be 4, but dh insists I stay home every other Thursday night (as Thursday's are his only night without a regular activity)

there is EMT training 5 minutes from my house, I do not want to become an EMT. I looked into a quilting class at the library, but it was evenings, and required me to buy a bunch of supplies to make a project I didn't want. ("I'd rather read")
when I take pottery classes I meet people I like. The studio is a good community. It is also over an hour from my house and most of the classes and all of the social events are in the evenings. I have an hour of chores to do in the evenings before I can go to bed. Most of my mornings start at 5:30.

i realize that my schedule is not compatible with the schedules of most other people, but it is built around the things in my life that work well. (My marriage, my farm, my job) Screwing up all the things that work well in the hope of fixing one thing that doesn't seems stupid.

we're beginning to see why I have no friends, right?

I don't know, it seems like if you have a real need, you "need" to meet it--it's like houses, it can be a great house but if there is something wrong with the location or the floorplan, you are never going to be at ease with it. I say change the schedule somehow to make time to meet some new friends.

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is there a "dating" app where you can list "socially disfunctional overly honest introvert with the following interests seeks friends within a 15 minute drive who will go home unoffended when told to, for conversation during parallel activities"?

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Too bad you aren't in central Massachusetts, because then we'd at least have a club of two members. I also don't have kids, so there isn't that common bond with a lot of folks. Substituting "my niece, my nephew" in kid conversations doesn't go over big with a lot of folks. I'm not particularly religious, I don't watch much TV or follow celebrities, movies, music etc. So if you were to map me and other people in a Venn diagram, there would not be much overlap.

I'm not so sure about your socially disfunctional label. Honesty isn't popular, but I wouldn't call it disfunctional.

I have a friend (who often shows up when it is not convenient for me and also sometimes stays too long, but on the flip side has a really busy social life and is rarely available) who invited me to a pasta making party at her home some time ago.

i said "how many people are coming, and do I know any of them and do they all know each other?" She described the guest list for me (the fact that she responded as if my response was normal is why we are friends) and I said "i don't know. I'd really like to learn how to make the pasta, but..." And she said "People." And I said "yeah." I didn't go.

"too much honesty" is perhaps a tactful way of saying "no tact and over shares"?

There's a graphic tee with the message "Eww--people" that I've thought about buying. :D

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Originally Posted by JaneV2.0

There's a graphic tee with the message "Eww--people" that I've thought about buying. :D

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This weekend I was stressed with work, and DH had some friends over--I excused myself and they understood, but even though I was in my home office, they were in the back yard and LOUD. I would go out every hour for about 10 minutes just so I wasn't completely rude, but I found myself coming up with every excuse in the book to get back in the house.. "Let me check the oven," "I need a sweater," "I have to respond to an email," "I think the dog is thirsty."

I simply could not take 5 hours of loud, raucous talking and laughing. OTOH, DH had a great time. To each his own.

I really don't have many regular "friends." In fact, now that I think of it, I don't have any. Hmmm.. No wonder I spend too much time on this site and Facebook.

I totally get it, and it is an actual problem for me right now. I realized that one of the problems I have getting things done and taking care of practical matters is that I don;t have a best friend or partner. Seems silly but just someone to check in with and have a conversation, maybe mention that I took care of something practical. One of those things you are supposed to be capable of on your own .

I love that your friend understood you, that is hard for me. Most people see that I am okay on my own, maybe a bit prickly in my demeanor, and don't realize how much I need them to call me now and then. And schedules is a huge thing. I have flexible time during the day and really busy late afternoons. Sometimes on the weekend I just nap multiple times.

I realized that I have to value things and work at it that are not my ideal relationships. I also realize I have socially awkward and times I come across as not very friendly. So learning to value the friends that are not my first choice is a big deal, learning to value activities that are not my favorite (but also not super painful) is a big deal, and pushing myself a little. It took a LOT of aloneness to get to this point.

Can you find an activity that starts when your job ends so you can stay in town to enjoy it and then go home?

It's not so much the activities, it's the people. I need to find some compatible people who live near me, and are available when my dh is not and I'm not working. That means some weekdays (currently Monday afternoons and most Tuesday's and Thursday's) and some evenings. But ideally I'm in bed before 9:30, so starting chores by 8:30.

most adult evening activities start "after dinner" 7 or later.

my job ends at 2:15 or 3:30. I usually run errands on the way home. One day I stopped at a farmer's market and met someone who seemed nice - the market is 45 minutes from my house and she drives in an hour from a wide angle. She lives maybe an hour and 15 minutes from me.

it was easier when my kids were home and we got together with out her homeschoolers. But none of the adult relationships lasted because what we had in common was the kids. The kids grew up and the moms either went back to work full time or "got their own lives back" and started doing stuff I don't want to do (as in want to not do) like go out to lunch, shopping, events, trips... Nobody wants to come over and chat with you while they knit and you hang your laundry if their kids aren't playing with yours. Also, the conversations were about things like math curriculum, so that's unlikely to transfer....

CL, do you have neighbors, live in a neighborhood, or are you rural? Are there any women your age close by maybe in the same predicament?

I'm in many ways just like you. I have no real friends either in the sense of the word as we grew up knowing it. I think I'm thinking about the women who used to drop in on my mom, women who lived next door and would come to the back door and have a visit with mom while she ironed or whatever. I'd like that.

I did meet a couple our (DH & myself) age last weekend when I was out front weeding. They were on a walk and stopped to chat. Then we ran into them again at the farmers market the next day.
But we live in a neighborhood where it would (ostensibly--if I wasn't so introverted) be easy to invite a neighbor over for a bbq or just dessert or something on a weekend. I hope we can cultivate this friendship a bit.

I am rural. The family to the north is mom, possible stepdad, two young adult daughters, the younger of whom I know vaguely through my kids going to high school with her - history of drug use, possible minor legal trouble. All presumably employed full time as they are gone all day. Generally also gone into the evening or having the type of social event that involves beer, loud music, and corn hole. We dug the mom's car out of the snow once years ago.

Across the street from them is Denny the mentally ill disabled Vietnam vet who blessedly hasn't spoken to me since November 9th, and his wife who works long hours and takes long vacations out of town.

across the street from me is a young couple with a three year old son. Both work full time.

to my south is ? A house, with some cars and some earthmoving equipment.

the speed limit on my road is 55mph and there are no walkable shoulders.

My mom had suburb friends. I disliked them and their children with whom I was forced to associate. At best, I'd guess they thought I was weird.

At one point when I was little, we lived in a house where all the backyards on the block connected. There were 5 families with kids and one with intermittent grandkids all in a 4 year age range. I played with the other kids - in their yards as much as possible, mostly because they had jungle gyms and stuff. I did not have anything like that because my dad didn't want other people's kids in his yard. What I remember when we moved isn't not feeling sad because I'd never see them again - it's that I cared so little that wether or not I'd ever see them again never crossed my mind.

I was 7. I got a new house and yard which I loved, a new school - to which I was indifferent, and a new "best friend" which was a matter of convenience. My mother knew her mother, we lived near each other, and she was willing to let me choose our activities. Later she made other friends who shared her interests and I moved on without regrets. In contrast, When we moved when my kids were 6, 8, and 10, the kids were most concerned about what would happen to their social connections. One of the girls who was in my Dd's wedding has been her friend since they were 6.

How about other employees at your school that might want to go out for coffee and talk after work?

One of them has tried to schedule a "let's go out for drinks to the bar two doors down" 5 times. It's been cancelled due to nobody could make it, 5 times. The coworkers I like all have to go to their other job or pick up their kids after work.

also, I'm trying to find some people who live close enough that they would come here. That would not be my coworkers.

CL, looking back over your OP, I'm wondering what kind of social life you would like to have. What do you see when you imagine it? Are you sure you want more of a social life, or do you just feel like you should?

Have you ever looked at meetup.com? Kind of a neat way to find people in your area with similar interests. I did a story over the winter about groups that get together to play board games. Several started on meetup.com

I want to know people who can come by on short (or maybe a week) notice for a few hours to either do a specific activity (pick berries, make jam or cheese, swim) or bring their own entertainment (you work on your project, I'll work on my project, we'll talk, you can borrow my toys to work on your project) and then leave.

mary used to come by for coffee and knit or spin (now she's getting her Ph.D.) she always had to leave to pick up her kid before I needed to make dinner. It was good. Megan came once to pick Berries before she moved an hour away.

i want to have conversations with people who are not my family, that last more than 5 minutes, and are not work task related. And I want to have them with people with whom I don't feel like I have to think about every word I say.

example:
"hi, how are you?"
"fine, how are you?"
"fine."

this is is not a conversation, it is a social ritual divorced from the meaning of the words that I often still screw up if I don't actually think about it.
i actually answer "how are you?" (Over sharing, awkward, they didn't want to know)
i analyze out loud ("do you actually want to know?" Because I'm not fine and would like to talk about it - awkward, embarrassing)
i forget to ask "how are you?" (Because I don't care)
i ask "how are you?" While looking people in the eyes in an intonation that demands an actual response (because I do care - awkward, invasive, person really wanted to keep walking.)
i argue ("fine." "No you aren't. You've been crying." - awkward, invasive, rude, embarrassing...)

that's just one example that happens a lot. People are exhausting.

So if you want the person to come to you it has to be someone that lives close or it won't happen. You are putting so many boundaries on this that I don't see how it will work. Are you willing to go to their house too? I think you find people exhausting because you have a unique personality so someone has to be the right fit. I have a hard time understandng that it is hard to make good friends as I have lived in 5 states and never had an issue. However, it takes work to make that happen.

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Originally Posted by Chicken lady

I want to know people who can come by on short (or maybe a week) notice for a few hours to either do a specific activity (pick berries, make jam or cheese, swim) or bring their own entertainment (you work on your project, I'll work on my project, we'll talk, you can borrow my toys to work on your project) and then leave.

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This why I like to do volunteer stuff and meetups. That expanded to some friendships and activities outside of that around a particular event I do weekly (and we do usually hit up a bar afterwards). Enough so that email was getting too complicated to announce or organize events so we set up an email group.

The thing is, though it sometimes can be tiring, it's something that has to be worked at. Very true it's "building relationships".

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Originally Posted by Teacher Terry

So if you want the person to come to you it has to be someone that lives close or it won't happen. You are putting so many boundaries on this that I don't see how it will work. Are you willing to go to their house too? I think you find people exhausting because you have a unique personality so someone has to be the right fit. I have a hard time understandng that it is hard to make good friends as I have lived in 5 states and never had an issue. However, it takes work to make that happen.

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By sentence:

Yes. Or someone who is interested enough in the farm thing to make a slightly longer drive.

Maybe that's why I don't have friends. Maybe it won't work.

maybe. Depends on where their house is and how interesting to me it is.

Probably.

See your previous sentence.

And, what do you mean by "takes work"? If you mean "you have to do a bunch of stuff you don't want to do/act like somebody you aren't" I have enough of that. I can "socialize" with other humans under those conditions any time I want. Change that - any time I have to, I don't ever actually want to. I can be charming. I go to events with dh for work or with his work people and then wives like me and then we have to get together as couples, or dh encourages me to pursue the "friendship": "she likes you." - no, she likes my wife act. Then I get worn out by the social obligations and convince him to fade back to just guy stuff or she actually gets to know me and quietly fades away and I am happy to let her.

The whole point is that I would like a couple of actual friends who don't require that. 2 would be plenty as long as they were each available around a dozen times a year.

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Originally Posted by Chicken lady

I want to know people who can come by on short (or maybe a week) notice for a few hours to either do a specific activity (pick berries, make jam or cheese, swim) or bring their own entertainment (you work on your project, I'll work on my project, we'll talk, you can borrow my toys to work on your project) and then leave.

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I would be your friend, that sounds perfect to me. I could bring my crochet or celtic knot work I am drawing. I would even love to pick berries. Then I would have a point where I needed to go, and for you to not take it personally that I did not move in or call you daily, and that would be great.

I don't think you are the person who lives in Colorado however, there is someone not really close to me but in the state I think.

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I want to know people who can come by on short (or maybe a week) notice for a few hours to either do a specific activity (pick berries, make jam or cheese, swim) or bring their own entertainment (you work on your project, I'll work on my project, we'll talk, you can borrow my toys to work on your project) and then leave.

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it sounds good to me, I also like to take long walks (really I do). :)

I totally like the sedate stuff, but introverts and their quiet (boring to most people) past-times are not typical for sure.

No, I live in Ohio. But yes Zoe Girl, I think you would be a good friend.

Okay--I started my own cat club and also a religion and a political party. But people don't want to get involved . But yeah---I can understand that.

okay----i have been able to continue corresponding with the girl i used to "stalk" when she was 15, in ak. shee doesn't seem to mind, though my best buddy Al would predict that any day now, i'll be served with a 'straining ordeerr to cease-n'-desist. yup. well, Al, does have a very(X4444) limited perspective--he married the first little ol' gal that crossed his path, and they been together ever since. which, is kinda atypical, these days. but yeah--my online hs friend is now 70 but still youthful. yup. plus---a pretty good influence, on mee. so, there's that. i usta get out my high school annual, and look at her sophomore "mugshot" every now and then, and o' course--track her movements when puters' came along. but yeah---she has nearly perfect spelling & punctuation, texting on a cell phone! how do you kids like that?

okay----this whole thread has kinda shed some light on perhaps WHY you have attractive, intelligent schoolteachers who make the mistake of "dating" their students. and, much like people who use illicit drugs, it may be that only a minority of offenders ever get in trouble for it. think about it. one word: proximity. wait--two words: frequent proximity. hope that helps you some. thankk mee.

okay----case example of outrageous deviant behavior. this happened like 35 years ago---a guy in his 20's was an HR on a college campus, here, where there are copiu/s numbers of hot, rich, intelligent coeds. (i've worked there as a janitor, so i know) yup. but what did he do? he became completely infatuated with a local tee-vee newscaster, and commenced stalking her. i mean literally; the outcome was, he broke into her apartment several time, and lay in waiting for her to return home, late at night. But see---she out foxed him; she brought along her good ol' boy constuction-worker bf, who was carrying, and discovered the would-be attackker, who was fatally shot, as he tried to make his exit. end of story. the newscaster moved to doo-doo town, the good-ol-boy is building fine homes in suburbia, and the stalker has his last resting place over in cabool. he had the same last name as BTK, by the way. isn't that a-may-zeen? truew story, tho. but yeah---the study of BTK's ancestry is kinda intriguing. it's already been done, BAFIK, no books have been written. prolly would cause a backlash. btk's paternal gp's were cousins, and i believe that his great-greats were, as well. prolly, the newscasters' stalkler and would-be assailant was a member of the same clan. quite likely. i make that assumption on the basis of proximity. yup. how do ya like that?

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Originally Posted by littlebittybobby

okay----case example of deviant behavior. this happened like 35 years ago---a guy in his 20's was an HR on a college campus, here, where there are copiu/s numbers of hot, rich, intelligent coeds. (i've worked there as a janitor, so i know) yup. but what did he do? he became completely infatuated with a local tee-vee newscaster, and commenced stalking her. i mean literally; the outcome was, he broke into her apartment several time, and lay in waiting for her to return home, late at night. But see---she out foxed him; she brought along her good ol' boy constuction-worker bf, who was carrying, and discovered the would-be attackker, who was fatally shot, as he tried to make his exit. end of story. the newscaster moved to doo-doo town, the good-ol-boy is building fine homes in suburbia, and the stalker has his last resting place over in cabool. he had the same last name as BTK, by the way. isn't that a-may-zeen? truew story, tho.

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Hmmmm, do you see anything instructional in this story?

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Originally Posted by iris lilies

Hmmmm, do you see anything instructional in this story?

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Hmmmm. Not really. But yeah---the takeaway is that you kids should do some research on BTK. I might just go ahead & lease that building in Herman, Zurra that I've mentioned several times, and maybe put in a microbrewery featuring authentic German Beers. Yah. Or else, get the rights to brew up Lemp-brand beer. How do you like that? Okay---at the damaged salvage discount grocery store down the street, they have a supply of handy product from Contadina. What it is, is like squirt bottle of pizza sauce, very paste-like, that you can use to fortify those store-bought frozen pizzas. It's because they tend to skip on the ingredients---especially the sauce. Yep. Hope that helps you kids some. I wore myselfout, using caps in this post, so time to call it a day. But yeah---thankk mee. Yup.

okay---yeah, i need to get back on track, here. but yeah----yesterday, i was re-reading the obit of the mom of the 15-year-old i usta stalk, up in Ak. i just had the impulse to do so, and it was very enlightening. yup. anyway, my "victim" gives me helpful advice, but(thus far) not advice overload, which is good. anyway, i sent her a photo of a similar car to the one her late mom usta drive, up there. last week, she said she was heading to her daughters home for a few days, so i looked on google maps and sent along a photo of the street view of that location. it was a vacant lot, all rocky and no structures. i axed if her daughter lived in a vacant lot, and suggested that she get a tent and maybe a picnic table, to sit on. well, you just know this provoked fear and outrage, and the indignant response was to ask HOW i knew her daughters place location? so yeah----that's how proficient i am at stalking. so anyway----she(the 15-year old i used to stalk 55 years ago) recently moved, and i just know she is waiting anxiously to see if i find her new place. we'll see. to be continued. but yeah i may call my new place in herman: "Honecks Inn'" in honor of that longest-serving prison inmate & notable Hermanite.. my sources tell me that herman, mo is culturally similar to that littlebitty city waaaaay up in the middle o' nowhere, in that it was founded as an experimental utopian concept. yah. hope that helps you kids some.