right, that's how I feel, too! The age has definitely risen as my own age has risen, so that at 59, someone in their 60's does not seem the least bit elderly to me...
right, that's how I feel, too! The age has definitely risen as my own age has risen, so that at 59, someone in their 60's does not seem the least bit elderly to me...
I haven't read this whole thread, but I have a close friend who has a mother that is a hoarder Her and her brother tried to do something about it at one point and her mother felt what I would call betrayed by her children and she was mad as heck...consider that this could really put a rift between you and your parents. Also where will they live if they are evicted. They are older now and probably would have more of a hard time with this...everyone is free to live as they want....Just my opinion though!
Reading this whole conversation with great interest. I became fascinated with this topic when I noticed that a close friend had evolved into a hoarder. From everything I have read, seen, and heard about, hoarders almost never change---and the ones who do improve and maintain the improvement are living with someone full time (family) who helps them manage their emotions and behaviors minute to minute, day to day.
Jake, and everyone who had to grow up in a hoarding home---I feel bad for you. I can't even imagine how awful that would be.
Jake--you seem really committed to thoughtful reflection and careful decisions. Somehow you seem to have come through this with some amazing strengths. I think you might be able to let go of that tight feeling in your chest without having to wait for several decades until your parents pass away. That is what I hope for you.
Totally agree with the people who are affirming disengagement. Do what *you* need to be healthy and content.
I really appreciate so much -- so, so much -- or what you all said here. Great insights, kind words, and general moral support. Thank you.
This has helped me to come up with a plan, for myself, to deal with this situation for myself.
This, exactly thisOriginally Posted by Rachel
My father toward the end of his life was a dangerous driver. He couldn't see well enough, had Parkinson's and a big need to get out of the house. Relatives told their kids not to go in a car with him. He had no clue. I told him in a calm, neutral way that I was going to have his driver's license retested and when I got back to my home across the country, he called and told me his life would be over and he would kill himself if I did that. He took it that I was trying to get back at him for things he had done to me. I wasn't. After he told me he'd kill himself, I didn't have the nerve to do that about his driver's license. I think my saying that to him was one of the very few times in his adult life that someone had brought up limits to him, like he should set them. Obviously he knew he couldn't pass the driver's test again. So I agree with all those who say if you try to change the situation with your parents, it will make your relationship worse. On the other hand, for the animals, I would do it in a flash.
Last edited by larknm; 8-9-15 at 6:54pm.
I think deep in our hearts we know that our comforts, our conveniences are at the expense of other people. Grace Lee Boggs
If anyone else is dealing with a parent driving dangerously, I'd ask the doctor to address it to spare your relationship but also many communities have a program that actually evaluates drivers to see if they are safe or if something simple can be done to make them safer. Ours is a service one of outpatient rehab centers offers. It gives the person some dignity and if, in the end, they are not allowed to drive, at least they know you tried to "help" them
We all are trying to spare the elderly drivers feelings but what about the innocent people (including kids) walking or driving and hurt or killed by an elderly driver? What about them?
This is true for so many of us even if our parents weren't hoarders. I still recall the terror of being in a car at night with my alcoholic father....praying that the car wouldn't leave the road and checking to see that his eyes were still open while he drove. Those precarious feelings never really go away. At some point, I realized that my parents were imperfect humans just like the rest of us and not the grownups I had hope in as a child.There's something about having parents who didn't have your back that twists up your psyche.
Yep, me, too. That's pretty much the turning point, when you realize that.
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