How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?

[Float On]

It was very selfless of his girlfriend to yield to his wants to be child-free.

I wonder why he did not tell her he was not interested in having kids. I also wonder why she would, around year 14, still think her big day was going to come (followed promptly by a baby carriage).

By then I think she was resigned to "this is all I get".

[Ultralight]

I have read this thread with interest, as DH & I appeared to have some similar issues when we dated. I hesitated to reply b/c it can sound pretty bad to some people, and I can sound at times stupid or greedy, but oh well, I don't really care what anyone thinks of it anymore, and I know that DH & I are solid.

1. DH and I dated for 3 years before getting engaged and married within the year after that. We broke up several times during the 3 years, partly b/c he was not interested in getting married again or in having children ever. I proposed to him in the first year or two, and he said, "No thanks. Nothing personal, just not doing that again." Instead of ending our relationship, I decided that he was the best person I knew, that I wanted to be with him, and figured it would end at some point b/c I knew I wanted kids. Instead, he came around to marriage and to kids. In fact, he had to propose a couple of times to convince me that he meant it.

2. DH was cheap. Not frugal--cheap. When we first started dating, he was making no money and I was earning plenty, so I paid for almost everything, no problem, including international mission trips that we both did. When he started making a little money, I'd get offended when he would spend it on crap or on futzing around on his Jeep and then tell me he couldn't afford anything that I wanted to do. I did make him take me out to dinner sometimes at that point--usually to an ethnic restaurant, nothing fancy. We broke up one time b/c he refused to spend money on a visit to see me (by then we lived a flight away from each other) after I'd spent money and vacation time visiting him more than once. He was earning some at that point. I needed to know that I was worth his time and his energy and his money. When he did show up, he brought an engagement ring. Before I accepted the ring, I got the stone changed--from a chip to a tiny stone. I made him pay for it.

3. I believe in marriage, and I believe in going "all in." When DH & I (finally) got married, I tackled his debt with our combined income, most of which was earned by me, as if it were OUR debt, because at that point it was. I was happy to eat rice & beans (kind of easy when you're hispanic) and spend very little and simply be together. There is a saying in Spanish, "Contigo, pan y cebollas." With you, bread and onions (is enough). I'm the one who has budgeted and invested and grown our net worth, not by my income alone (we've both had ups and downs with income) but by my work for our family as a single unit. DH doesn't know from budgeting or investing. He's a great DIYer and has saved us thousands in home repairs and improvements. We are a team.

UA, if I were your girlfriend, I'd think you care more about fishing than about me if that's where you're putting your money, your energy, and your time.

Some folks drink, others take prozac; some smoke Mary Jane, others stare at the idiot box. I go fishing.

I have to do something to keep from going insane.

[Ultralight]

By then I think she was resigned to "this is all I get".

So she settled? I think settling is underrated.

[JaneV2.0]

... I would date, and I would enter a relationship, but I doubt I'd enter a marriage or even a live-in relationship. I really don't live well with others, I like my space and quiet and alone time.

I couldn't agree more. We sometimes talk about the duplex we'd live in--which usually devolves into an argument about fences, levels, exterior colors...Yeah, no.

And I was always completely upfront about not wanting children, which was a moot point since I had my tubes tied in my twenties. I wouldn't conceal something so important.

[Ultralight]

I couldn't agree more. We sometimes talk about the duplex we'd live in--which usually devolves into an argument about fences, levels, exterior colors...Yeah, no.

And I was always completely upfront about not wanting children, which was a moot point since I had my tubes tied in my twenties. I wouldn't conceal something so important.

Jane: Why did you not want kids? May I ask what made you go to the lengths of getting a tubal in your 20s?

[Alan]

there were at least two vasectomies that the patients attribute to ongoing physical problems. I believe them.

I had one nearly 30 years ago, and would do it again although I'd remember this time not to try jumping rain puddles the next day. Did you know you can hear stitches pop?

[Ultralight]

I had one nearly 30 years ago, and would do it again although I'd remember this time not to try jumping rain puddles the next day. Did you know you can hear stitches pop?

Ouch!

You would do it all again?! You did not fear complications, illnesses, or that sort of thing?

[JaneV2.0]

Jane: Why did you not want kids? May I ask what made you go to the lengths of getting a tubal in your 20s?

Reasons? Too many to count. The short answer is that motherhood never had much appeal for me--it seemed like a whole lot of work for a questionable return; my parents certainly didn't make it look like fun. :-D I wasn't crazy about children even when I was one. I had enough responsibility supporting myself, and I didn't want to give up my independence. I have no regrets.

I was surprised to discover that so many women found/find resistance to getting sterilized after I had my procedure done. I conferred with my doctor and returned a year later to schedule the operation. It was clear I had given it sufficient thought.

[iris lilies]

So she settled? I think settling is underrated.

I see people who are ambivalent about their goals. Most of us have some vagaries in our thinking and having children is often one of those things.

But if someone clearly wants children and she is a competent adult, it is totally on her, in my opinion, to go get with a man who shares this important goal. The key word here is "clearly".

I see this all the time on Wedding Bee posts. There is a sad section called "waiting" where women write about waiting for their man to propose. Their biological clock is running out. They can't figure out if he will be up for kids eventually, or not. It's a real life dilemma.

[Float On]

I couldn't agree more. We sometimes talk about the duplex we'd live in--which usually devolves into an argument about fences, levels, exterior colors...Yeah, no.

Made me laugh. When we were engaged, DH got sick and tired of all the teasing things men say to each other when someone is going to get married. He decided if one more person said something negative about marriage that was it...we'd just live next to each other. A friend came up to him and said "hey, heard you are getting married!"...DH thought, this is it. Guess, we'll look for a duplex. And the friend said "that's great, you'll love being married!" and walked off. DH ran after him and said "Tell me more!". We ended up being in a newly wed small group that that man and his wife hosted. What a great experience....and no duplex (though sometimes we wished we'd gone that route).