See above where I mention how I am aware of this irony.Originally Posted by iris lily
This is a bit harsh.
Never respect her? How do you get this?
See above where I mention how I am aware of this irony.
This is a bit harsh.
Never respect her? How do you get this?
With my daughter I do a LOT of sharing the process I'm going through. I also try to help her sort through her belongings regularly and we talk a lot about thoughts and feelings and reasons to discard items. I also zone her - she can only keep her stuff in her room, her closet (which is not in her room) and a specific section of storage rack. This helps keep her aware of what she has and discourages putting things "here for now".
i think that making decisions and processing items helps build healthy pathways in the brain.
on judging. That's unfortunate. My kids judged me when they were younger, but every teenager judges their parents (and I bet every parent comes up short). They have grown past that and we have more adult relationships now. They still "judge" as in "have opinions on" my home, but they do not "judge" as in "criticize and blame" me. The thoughts they express are based more evaluating on effects and results and less on evaluating my thoughts and actions. ("It was great that we could all stay at the house" vs. "I'm glad you finally cleaned out the guest room.") or ("if the dolls make you happy, you should be able to have the out where you can enjoy them." Vs. "why the h*ll would you want to collect those?")
i like to think I'm reaping the reward of how they were raised. When someone got hurt or caused damage or a problem, I always tried to start by determining the intent and thoughts behind their actions. It was important to me that they deal with the consequences of their actions, but there was a huge difference to me between breaking a vase because you were trying to put it away (so next time you'll make sure it's dry, wait for help if it's heavy, etc. ok, now let's clean this up. I know you're sorry, I can get a new one.) or because you threw it (let's talk about better ways to deal with your anger, you realize this could have ended a lot worse, you will need to earn the money to replace that, no you can't help him in the kitchen unless I'm there, last time you threw a vase at him and I'm not confident yet that you won't do it again...) because of poor judgement (this is one of the reasons we don't run in the living room...) or by accident (I know you didn't see the vase on the edge of the counter. That was basically my fault. Or just be more careful, ok?)
i also am am curious as to what makes you think your s.o. Is a hoarder. I remember you talking once about a garage full of "future garage sale stuff" but I seem to recall that a garage sale actually happened? Do you have other concerns? - oops, took too long to type. Reading now.
And here, you fooled us into thinking it was just religion that was the big issue with yu two.
My take on your view of life is that you dislike hoarding above all else, it influences your daily actions, it permeates your regular thoughts.
I only know you from a message board but dude, your near constant references to hoarding shows at you have more than a little problem with it. No matter who is hoarding you will have a problem with that behavior, it will grate on you, you will needle her, you will fuss with her actions.
Let me be clear, I am not saying you should dump the GF only because you will never be able to live with her. Plenty of people can have great relationships and maintan separate households.
Her potential hoarding is an extreme red flag in a relationship with you regardless of where you two live.
I am curious to know how she doesnt see that. She has shown you who she is, you have shown her you cant stand that. How can rational adults think they can overcome this with Luuurv?
So now, I really want to know how one determines one is 20% happier.
so you are going to zone her by house.
And yep, she sounds like me. I think you have said she is resigned to the idea that she will never have children if she is with you? I would not have found that acceptable, but, assuming I was single, if I had met dh after my children were grown (now) and I had my own house, I would never have married him or cleaned out for him. I'd be perfectly content with the zoned by house arrangement.
She and I have split up several times over the past three years. Once was for like 10 months. She initiates trying again. I have been willing to try again and again.
I am getting pretty long in the tooth, and break-ups really take a lot out of me emotionally.
For her, I think she sees a guy who is polite, kind, principled, and employed. And that is good enough, plenty really.
The differences on stuff and on atheism/religion don't matter much to her.
20% is my best guess. I'd say 10% would be the number that meditation has helped me to be more happy.
I know this: Since I simplified my life I have been a lot happier. My depression rarely goes too deep. My blue moods don't last as long. It is easier to relax.
Why would you have never married him? Why would you not be cleaning out for him?
Also:
I do think about the issue of hoarding often, but probably not as often as you might think from this forum.
Hoarding is mostly an intellectual interest, though obviously some real-life stuff comes into play too, and I think about that -- such as with my parents and with my significant other.
I spend a lot of time thinking about books I am reading, various social issues, how I will probably do some fishing from shore in September, how I can walk or bike somewhere, fun ways to keep Harlan entertained, food, music, nature, etc.
I am not a piece of paper girl. For me, marriage represented a security that was nice to have but primarily created a structure for raising children - home and family. The division of labor we created was such that he provided the majority of the financial support and with my age and work history, now, I could never catch up, so obtaining my own independently supported hoarder friendly home is not an option (I think he would choose me to keep the farm and he get a condo in the city). Also, I'm used to living with him and I like it - Most the time.
However, if I were financially independent, accustomed to living alone, and had my own house, I would be unwilling to share my space, complicate my finances, and compromise my independence, for what? What would I get out of marriage and a shared home that I couldn't have without those things? Single women live longer.
Also, dh would not be happy living by himself. He turned down a short term posting overseas because I refused to go. I thought he should just get a little apartment and enjoy it. He thought I was insane.
For what? I dunno... Men are considered superfluous nowadays, for the most part.
Single women live longer?
There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote