The slow fade?

[Teacher Terry]

APNM: a few k is not going to spoil a kid. It could be used for education, to buy a house, any number of things. Most likely UL will not even die which is a good thing. He is doing that just to spite his Dad so really acting just as childish and stupid as his Dad. It is more mature to take the higher ground.

[catherine]

Hope this isn't a hijack, but it's a story that's closely related, because it's about giving with strings. This just happened the other day.

DH was a video producer until he "retired"--so a lot of equipment is stored in the garage, unused at this point. One of the guys at the farm we go to all the time is the farm AV guy--he films and produces little video blogs of farm goings-on, video newsletters, and YouTube content about the farm.

DH is crazy about this farm and so he made a gift of some expensive equipment--some microphones and a lighting kit. The AV guy was really thankful and said that he would make good use of them.

So DH was on FB the other day and saw that this AV/farm friend announced on his FB page that he was starting a video business. DH was angry--he said that it made him mad that "C" accepted his equipment and is now profiting from it. The gift, DH's mind, was to benefit the farm and only the farm. DH is now asking for the equipment back! Awkward!

I argued with him over that, telling him that unless he specified conditions to "C" he has no input on what happens to a gift that he freely gives. I was surprised that DH was really upset over it.

I think this goes back to the OP because it's trying to control something that by definition is no longer yours to control.

At the same time, after the dust settles, I hope, UA, you resist the urge to further poison the gift with spite. You might as well be grateful for whatever you can in your relationship and let the rest go.

[Ultralight]

Most likely UL will not even die which is a good thing.

I am immortal?

[Teacher Terry]

By the time you die your Dad will be gone so no one to spite and the kid long grown etc and no one will give a shit about that tiny bit of $.

[Ultralight]

By the time you die your Dad will be gone so no one to spite and the kid long grown etc and no one will give a shit about that tiny bit of $.

If my dad passes on, then I will change the beneficiary.

[Teacher Terry]

I guess you can't see how childish and spiteful this is? Oh well it just poisons the person that is taking the action. Also some day your DAd won't be here and then your actions are irreversible.

[Ultralight]

I guess you can't see how childish and spiteful this is? Oh well it just poisons the person that is taking the action. Also some day your DAd won't be here and then your actions are irreversible.

Hmmm...

You know, something I really dislike about my mom and dad is just how spiteful and vindictive they are.

[merince]

I just don't understand it. You're changing the beneficiary to spite/aggravate your dad while at the same time you're planning never talking to him again. How is he going to know that you're punishing him if you're never planning on contacting him again? Sounds like some kind of complicated mind game from here.

[Ultralight]

Sounds like some kind of complicated mind game from here.

Well, it is. It really is. This kind of thing is fairly normal in my family, which should be obvious throughout this thread.

And while I am not planning to be in contact with my dad I am sure that word will get back to him as I will strategically leak the info to people who will tell him.

But again, more complicated mind game...

I don't like that my parents do these mind games. I don't like how spiteful and vindictive they are either. I really don't.

So I have been rethinking this plan, as I am not really a supporter of the Brady Campaign either (not that I support the NRA!).

But for some time I have been thinking of opening a supplementary retirement vehicle at my work and designating the beneficiary as an atheist group I am part of.

So I may do this, as I was planning to do it before this incident. That way I am not doing something out of spite or vindictiveness.

I'd rather not be a spiteful or vindictive person, even though it comes very natural to me.

With that said, I am not a forgiving person either though.

[merince]

I am glad to read the above, UL. Spite and vindictiveness are not a way to live a life, even though they feel mighty good in the heat of the moment

Edited to add: It takes two to tango. If you really want to cut off contact, then just do that. Strategically leaking info to people who will tell him is not cutting off contact. It is maintaining contact. Dropping the rope, becoming a black hole is cutting off contact. I hope this makes sense.