Feeling Left Out

[chrissieq]

I went to a morning training today with several folks I work with and realized that they were planning on going out to lunch together and I was, obviously, not included. Really, they were passing notes with the name of the restaurant!! How Junior High of them!

In reality, I am sure I would have passed even if invited for 2 reasons - I had a long list of things I needed to get done and these are not people I really want to spend time with.
How Junior High of me!!

I need to let this go but also need to accept that these aren't the kind of people I want to put energy into - why am I letting them?!

I just needed to say this and now I think I can let it go. Thanks for listening.

[Gardenarian]

ouch.
I so hate it when things like this happen. I also tend to go back to my adolescent self when around others who are immature. It makes my stomach ache to think about it.
(((((hugs)))))

[Marianne]

Yes, ouch. And how juvenile of them, too.
Some people/relationships - you just need to flush 'em and forget 'em.

OR if you're stronger than I am, kill them with kindness. That'll get 'em every time.

[mtnlaurel]

How is it that grown people can be so lame? Super hugs.

[Zoebird]

yeah, it's annoying.

you know what helped me, though? i don't know when this came up, but it was a good realization. it wasn't an us/them thing.

here's the story for context.

i had two law school friends, and we all got along. we did this thing where we all had dinner together once a month, and we traded hosting. all of us lived a fair distance from each other (at least an hour from each other's houses in a triangle-shape), and we were all about 40 minutes from school.

after school, my two friends would often get together for dinner, study sessions, lunch, snacks, concerts, whatever. i was never invited or included.

at first i felt hurt, but then something clicked:

"it's ok for them to forge their own relationship, and have their own time without me." While we had a great time altogether, after this realization, i never felt jealous of times i was excluded, or hurt by it. I just recognized that sometimes people don't include me, and that it's ok that i'm not included.

and it works really well in a lot of circumstances.

[mm1970]

Oh, it happens all the time. I remember playing volleyball with a group when I first moved to CA. My husband was spending the summer in Europe, and this was his crowd. On one Saturday, one of the couples invited two new couples to play, and talked the whole time about the dinner party they were all having later.

The next week the same couple pointed out that it was my hubby's birthday, and that they'd be happy to come over and eat cake if I made one for him (you know, the hubby in Europe).

I've also been at a couple of weddings where groups will steal chairs from another table so they can cram 12 people on an 8 person table. Or at holiday parties where you come back and find your purse/jacket have been moved. I can't believe it. I mean are we 10? It's dinner. It's 45 minutes. You can't socialize with other people for 45 minutes? If I am at a wedding or party and I am at a full table and see an almost empty table near me, I make a point to move over there, even without my husband sometimes, and be social.

On the other hand, I remember being 20-something and meeting a friend of a friend (guy) at a happy hour and finding him really interesting, and wanting to get to know him better. I was engaged, it wasn't a dating thing, just a "hey, this guy is interesting" thing. He was rude and made it *very* clear that he had no interest. I just shrugged my shoulders and said "eh". I mean, I don't like everyone in the world, and not everyone is going to like me. And that's okay. At least I'm polite.

[Merski]

Junior High! Can we ever move past it? I guess I'm pretty immature because I get that feeling of being left out/excluded at work too. Hugs to you.

[razz]

Good for you for recognizing and seeing past this.

I keep being delighted and surprised how neat it is to have somewhere like this SLF to vent just these yucky experiences and receive wonderful insights, empathy and understanding in how to cope.

[CathyA]

Its difficult to feel rejected..........even if its by people who you don't particularly care for!
Just as razz just said......good for you for seeing past this.
((((hugs)))))

[reader99]

Feelings are still feelings, regardless of age. Could be we associate these things with junior high because feelings are so very strong at that age. Excluding people is still hurtful even in maturity. Knowing that one didn't want to socialize with those people anyway is a great antidote.