This is a general post to get some differing viewpoints on family spending, for those of us who are empty nesters, with aging parents in the mix.

I'd like to get some ideas here, as I am feeling really overwhelmed by family obligations, perceived and real, and their impact on the sustainability of my lifestyle over the long haul.

I have obligated myself to give my son a part of a downpayment on a house. Which means I am obligated to do the same for the other two sons. This is okay, so long as they all don't need it at the same time, but I am giving the one the sum this year, and it is kind of freaking me out. At the end of last year, I gave another son money to move and to hire a divorce lawyer, and I am not expecting this money back. I also gave him money for my grandson's medical bills. Another son got nothing for college, because he dropped out, and I'd like to give him what I gave the others, but at least give him part of a house downpayment, if he ever gets to that point where he is buying a house.

I have also started accounts for my two grandchildren and want to add to them each year, but I am just nervous about the long range sustainability of this. It only came to a head when I needed to help the one unexpectedly last year, and when I rather grandly offered the house downpayment (why the hell did I do that, I wonder).

Then there are the parents, who are going to be requiring more travel funds and possibly moving in with us, which will mean adapting the house for disabilities, etc.

I have been accustomed to doing things like paying for their travel (the kids) to come see us, or to a family reunion, renting the space, but I think am going to have to let go of this, as well as letting go of the kind of birthday and Christmas presents I have been giving them over the past 10 years since they moved out. The bank of mom is going to have to close down, except for the house downpayment help and true emergencies. And even the true emergencies are going to have to be limited--I just cannot keep doing this.

It is not the kids--I keep offering. (What is wrong with me?)

What do you all do on this subject, to rein yourself in so that long term, you can help/give/stay involved but still not endanger your long term sustainabiliy?

Just looking for ideas and what you all do,and thanks.

They pay their own bills, etc, most of the time, anyway, and have only come to me with emergencies,

Do the rest of you obey certain guidelines--like saying okay, I will only give x percent, or how gifts and travel will be handled from now on, as I get older, and their income increases?

Thanks in advance for ideas you might have.