Discipline. (Growing up and as a parent).

[Mrs-M]

Margene's thread- (dealing with passive aggressive spouse) posted under the Family Matters & Relationships forum along with an entry of mine I made in response to her topic made me think, "how was discipline handled in your home"? (Both growing up and when you became a parent).

Spankings? Groundings? Restricted use of electronic devices/television watching/etc? Taking into consideration the age group of this forum I'm assuming (back then) both parents took part in the deliverance of discipline, but how about you as a parent? Did you have the support of your spouse when it came to discipline, or did you go it alone like me?

My dad always worked (outside the home) when I was growing up so mom was the disciplinarian in our home. Spanking was at the top of her list when it came to reining us kids in and correcting us, standard for the time. (Late 50's, 1960's).

As a parent I was the sole disciplinarian in our home, DH wanted nothing to do with it. (I hate the divide of a one parent disciplinarian role). I think it can and does generate a divide as to what parent the children feel more love for or respect for. I'm happy to say no divide was ever established in our home (to the best of my knowledge), but still.

ETA: I used spanking (pants dustings) with all my kids except the last two, along with a host of other restrictive measures.

[bae]

Both my wife and I participate in disciplinary measures, and make sure to consult frequently to make sure we are on the same page to prevent inconsistencies.

We have never used any manner of physical discipline. My wife and I are both pacific, though not pacifists, and do not approve of the initiation of violence except in self-defense of self or others. This extends to harsh words, throwing pans, slamming doors, stomping off, and other such things.

We do impose consequences, and communicate clearly ahead of time with our oh-too-clever offspring what our expectations are, and what the consequences are for trouble. No waffling, no do-overs, justice is swift, impartial, and relentless :-)

Now and then, especially as we are in the teen years, there is testing. So far, so good - I think the secret is our constant open communication between all parties, and our discussions ahead of any incidents, so that everyone is clear.

[leslieann]

I like bae's inclusion of door slamming and stomping off as violence. They are certainly behaviours that indicate a particular frame of mind and suggest that the person might like to slam or stomp YOU. I think I'll add them to my list of "not really okay" ways to behave for teens. They are not okay for adults in our house, so there isn't any logical reason why a child should have a different set. The child, by the way, is fourteen. Thanks!

[ApatheticNoMore]

I tend to sympathize most with the natural consequences school of discipline (show kids the natural consequences of their actions) although I'm not sure how well it works in practice. Hey, I'm not a parent. (And even I wouldn't let my kids, if I had them, run out into the street to find out the natural consequences of *that*. Physical safety trumps all such principles).

Discipline growing up: many times we got away with murder (well not literal murder of course, but permissiveness yea). A few rare times I got a spanking when parents had decided they were being too permissive and swung the other way. A few times I had to eat soap for some words that came out of my mouth. Sometimes a parent would erupt into violent rage at our misbehavior (and you feared for you life then, if you knew what was good for you, you hid and ducked and covered because anything could happen in those rages). Sometimes they'd say absolutely horrible things about us when we misbehaved (about us as people, not just our behavior). Sometimes there were attempts at groundings that were never enforced. Always there was shame and being made to feel like a bad person. Shame was so dominant in that house that, hmpf, you know I tend to near totally reject shame altogether as an adult. I don't think I could do a worse job at discipline than my parents if I wanted to!!! Permissiveness is not actually the worst discipline style out there.

[iris lily]

Sadly, children who are not physically punished and who are subject to logic and reason as a discliplinary measure just turn into Republicans as my liberal Democratic (party) parents found. Both me and my brother dispapointed our mother. I'm sure it was her style of discipline.

[Mrs-M]

Nice to hear from you Bae. Parental sharing is something I would have really liked to have when my kids were young. Just being able to sit down and consult with one another as to the proper approach and consequence (discipline related) would have been such a blessing. I am happy to report that one thing in our house has changed since then, now that the older kids are older and bigger, my husband has taken on a more proactive roll in what does and doesn't happen now, and that in itself has been a warm welcome. It's allowed me to let go a bit and play spectator in the bleachers for a change.

Leslieann. My second oldest daughter will be 14 this year.

ApatheticNoMore. I relate to so much of the upbringing you speak of. It really was such a different time back then wasn't it. I'm glad in many ways to see those days past. I like the style of parenting I see nowadays (for the most past), although there are still times I feel some kids need more.

[Mrs-M]

Iris. Just caught your post! LMAO! I fall under the same crowd as you. By the way Iris, check out our posting times. 7:52!

[Karla]

Disciplining our children comes much more naturally to my husband. I am more of a softy, but have seen how it has paid off with our older son and do my best (even though it is out of my comfort zone.) In the meantime, I like to think I've also influenced him finding ways to be more patient with both of our sons. We really look at this parenting thing like we are a team and we've bonded over sticking together.

[Mrs-M]

Hi Karla. Thanks for dropping by. I've always been somewhat of a softy too, always have been, however my firm side did have a way of shining through at times when needed. In reading Bae's and your entries, I too can relate now to a more tighter and closer bond I have with my husband now that we're both involved with the discipline side of things in our home. It just makes things that much more easy. Never should one parent (in a two parent home) be burdened with the responsibility of doling out discipline while the other parent looks the other way.

P.S. I'll be sure to check out you blog just as soon as I can!

[loosechickens]

hehehehe.....maybe it works in reverse as well, Iris Lily......I come from quite a rock ribbed Republican family who really modeled what bae describes as the parenting style of he and his wife, although my father, not retired, was seldom home. And look......I ended up being a Democrat.

Gotta watch those Republican homes....they have an unfortunate tendency to produce liberals, hahahaha. Maybe it's like all those heterosexual homes producing all those gay kids. Something MUST be done......

sorry...just kind of feeling silly.......

raised my kids as bae describes.....ended up with one liberal and one conservative Republican Fox News aficionado.......

just not a fan of spanking....but very much a fan of presenting a united front. Kids are born adept manipulators, so are quick to take advantage of any "cracks" in the system.