Dating a man 11 years younger...

[Valley]

I'm not trying to be rude, but you did say many negative things about this man awakened. Why are you not willing to discuss this issue intelligently? You can still disagree in the end, but it's smart to listen to a lot of different opinions when your heart is racing too far ahead of your head. Someone told me that desperation smells worse than perspiration when I was trying too hard to find "Mr Right". You know what, they were right and I had to slow down and see my choices more clearly and realistically! Good luck to you.

[Marion]

A quick comment about dating younger men, I have found it to be very common but the difference with the older man/younger woman situation is that people don't brag about it, therefore we underestimate the numbers.
Another remark: I have noticed that many people seem to think that a "successful" relationship is one that lasts until death. I disagree. For me, a successful relationship is one that makes you grow as a human being, makes your life more beautiful. I have known many couples who were very smug about the number of years they had been together but who were deeply miserable together nonetheless.

[ApatheticNoMore]

coddling = leaving people free to make their own mistakes? (they are adults right? and I don't mean in any special situation where they may lack technical knowledge that someone might be an expert in - but ordinary human stuff).

which I can't even say with certainty are mistakes (where's that crystal ball?). On the one hand our hearts are not involved confuzzling us. On the other hand we don't have the actual feedback on character etc. that AS does because we don't know the plumber guy from Adam pretty much. I do generally tend to be too empathetic to guys though (the wrong guys ), but I would like to believe people can change if they show evidence of changing (ie the drinking is well in the past and never happens anymore) and that they aren't just their past (that baggage of which Packy speaks, that everyone who is not a youngster has? .....).

Oh and Dr Freud .... getting involved with someone with possible (or again maybe they really are entirely in the past) substance abuse issues is a little potentially uh interesting for someone who claims to come from a family of addicts (as in worth exploring, not that he necessarily is a good or bad partner). I don't see much harm in erring toward getting to know someone better, but abusiveness would be the reddest of red flags to me as would continued substance abuse.

[Aqua Blue]

A quick comment about dating younger men, I have found it to be very common but the difference with the older man/younger woman situation is that people don't brag about it, therefore we underestimate the numbers.
Another remark: I have noticed that many people seem to think that a "successful" relationship is one that lasts until death. I disagree. For me, a successful relationship is one that makes you grow as a human being, makes your life more beautiful. I have known many couples who were very smug about the number of years they had been together but who were deeply miserable together nonetheless.

Thanks for the comment, it gives me something to think about not just in romantic relationships but in all relationships.

My own experience was being married to a verbally and somewhat physically abusive man for 20 years. My take on abusers are they play a little game. First they test the waters, if they get caught they act all sorry and "try" to make it up to you and if that works then they rinse and repeat. Each time their behavior gets a little worse. They also like to use the "I was just joking, you are way to sensitive etc" when they get caught. It's a cat and mouse game to them which is maybe why other animals pick up on that sooner than people. Then suddenly one day you wake up totally in their snare. I had become very unsure of myself, was I really the problem?, didn't I have any sense of humor? etc. I had deserted my friends in an effort to make this work, because my "friends were filling me with the wrong ideas"

Sure, normal non abusive people do make mistakes and all relationships have their issues but you will never win the game with an abuser. They really don't have any respect for others and particularly others of the opposite sex. I think how that person treats woman in his family(mother, sisters etc) is a good indicator of how he will treat you. JMHO

[pinkytoe]

I would presume by now that awakened knows what she is doing. Even a fling is permissible as no one said it has to be a permanent thing.

[Aqua Blue]

pinkytoe, you are absolutely right.

Even the littlest hint of abuse gets my radar up. Obviously I should have never invested 20 years.

[Teacher Terry]

AS: It is sad that the woman you ride the bus with is so closed down that she can't even accept a ride from that man. I was in 2 bad marriages-one 22 years & verbally abusive. I was open to a relationship but always said I would never marry again-did not want to be trapped. After my hubby & I were together 5 years I wanted to get married & we have been happy for the past 16. Having a partner you enjoy makes everything better.

[Songbird]

Songbird: If we can't accept input from each other and accept opinions that differ somewhat from our own, we might as well all go talk to ourselves in our bathroom mirrors instead of talking to each other here. I don't see where you've attacked anyone or said anything offensive. Glad to have you around.

Thank you, rosa rugosa. I really appreciate that!

[Songbird]

I would presume by now that awakened knows what she is doing. Even a fling is permissible as no one said it has to be a permanent thing.

I don't think even having a fling with someone that is verbally abusive within a very short time period of meeting them, as Awakenedsoul has described in her posts here, is the thing to do. Verbal abuse is just the beginning of something really bad. A huge red flag, along with her dog not liking this guy....

[Songbird]

Another remark: I have noticed that many people seem to think that a "successful" relationship is one that lasts until death. I disagree. For me, a successful relationship is one that makes you grow as a human being, makes your life more beautiful. I have known many couples who were very smug about the number of years they had been together but who were deeply miserable together nonetheless.

I agree with this, Marion, about your description of a successful relationship. However, I don't really think it's the norm for miserable couples to stay together long term anymore. Now back in my Grandma's day they definitely did.... These days usually once a couple becomes empty nesters and they find they are no longer happy together they move on. I've been married nearly 40 years and it's because my DH has always been my best friend, lover, support, etc. There is no one I would rather be with and vice versa. If I were miserable I wouldn't still be here, nor would he...