middle kiddo and issue with drinking

[mtnlaurel]

ZG - The great thing is that you all live in a huge Metro area and I bet your daughter will find all different kinds of AA meetings and you Alanon meetings...
you might even be able to find a group with a Buddhist leaning or other Buddhist practitioners in attendance.
In the last group that I regularly attended before we moved there was a Buddhist and I got so much from her.

Here is the info on Denver Central Office of AA: 303-322-4440
Alanon: (303) 321-8788

Meditation is totally inline with what goes on in AA..

I won't lie to you - there are some dud meetings out there.. so try some different ones before you write it off.
I have even found that the times of the day that meetings are can draw different crowds too.

[Zoe Girl]

on the AlAnon thing i think i need to try another group or maybe understand it better. i had an individual in my life that was abusive and AA, but i can separate them. when i went to the al-anon meeting there was nothing about how to help find a treatment plan or when to help and when to back off. it was basically the 12 steps for us. i have an extensive background in similar work but through buddhism (hence the reason i love refuge recovery). rather than enabling too much i feel like i was really good at letting her problem be her problem and not take it personally. i simply had no control or much effect on her. She has not gotten into DUI trouble but i drug her through the bit of online high school she finally did. Mostly the problem we have had is extreme moods and bad boyfriends. she has issues with her siblings due to her moods and boyfriends. i am 90% sure she has an underlying mood disorder, probably bipolar 2 based on when she would still see the doctor.

[Zoe Girl]

oh i missed some posts in writing. i found young adult AA for my kid and there are 5 meetings a week. thank you mtnlaurel, this is bringing up some stuff and it is about the first time i have started to cry. i have been dealing with the mental health and school based services for a long time until my son dropped out and took the ged last year. i am capable, well spoken and know how it works, which means i also realize a lot of the limits. i am not in charge of them, just supporting. it has been an exhausting few years. in the middle of it i have been openly criticized by my mom, their dad and previously when i had contact with their grandfather he was pretty horrible. He is the big AA person who is also a flaming narcissist. So i simply don't want to walk into a meeting and be treated as if i am totally new to all of this, or get a whiff of that 'AA is the only way" vibe.

About a year ago my ex pushed very hard to have my son sent to a mental hospital for social anxiety and truancy. He skipped all the current people such as counselor, psychiatrist and school social workers to find a new psychiatrist and then lied to me about it so my son was mute for hours thinking that he was going to be sent away immediately. the dr was professional and figured it but it was still traumatic. Half of it was about our son and half was about a last chance to come after me. so i am very very sensitive to going to someplace like a meeting and how i am treated. if you don't know i have a masters in education, have worked with kids/schools for years and have a reputation in my department of being able to handle the challenging kids/families well. in realizing this (and thank you for letting me share) i can work on it.

okay the people at the first al-anon meeting i tried reminded me of my ex FIL's christmas party. please laugh with this. we went to the party with the 2 kids we had so far and it was a room of the walking wounded. you know when you meet in certain places like a meeting and it is like "hi, my name is __, i was beaten, have depression and am 90 days sober". well his parties were big meetings. then the person asks me how i know the host, yeah. i explained we were the family members and these were his grandchildren. big blank stare let me know that he had no idea that the host had family, grandchildren, anything. sooo, it was actually kinda funny. i feel like i went to meetings for years just by showing up at their house.

[mtnlaurel]

Dear Zoegirl - I am sincerely wishing you peace.
I can only relate my direct experience with my alcoholism.

Please know that you are not alone here on this board.

ETA: If I went too hardsell on AA and upset you. I apologize. That was not my intention.
I am a firm believer in attraction rather than promotion.
And I do not think AA is the only way, it just happen to work for me.

[rodeosweetheart]

I hear you; meetings really vary so much, some are great and some not so great, at least in my experience with al-anon and open AA meetings. You had mentioned AA so I figured that was what your daughter had decided to do, and I did want to be supportive and say that many, many people find recovery in AA, and in my experience with addicted family members, counselors almost always have seemed to recommend AA, and in my coursework in addictions, it is always stated that the numbers are best for AA, the prognosis for recovery. But many people do not like AA and its ilk for a variety of reasons, and there are other options, too, as you state with the refuge program--there are the rehab medical models and other models, and if she does not want to go to AA that in no way means that she is not going to be able to find something that works for her!

And if you have tried Al Anon and it is not for you, then that is very reasonable, too! I guess what I was trying to say is that it is her recovery and you are pretty powerless over it (but that may just be my take on it, my viewpoint, which is shaped by 12 step programs) and I hope you can detach with love from the process of her finding her recovery, as to me, at least, it is one of those "put on your oxygen mask first" moments. But that is just, again, what i would wish for someone I care about (you) and may be entirely inapplicable to your situation.

I am really sorry you are going through this right now.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I've seen rehabs have more of an effect than AA. But lots of rehabs are based on AA? Yes they are, with other stuff as well, they usually have a whole set of classes you take when there - most are AA, some on dealing with moods etc., I'm told equine therapy (with a horse) was uniquely powerful but that was at an expensive rehab that I don't think is affordable (a lot of money was spent, so that now everyone is pretty broke, I think of writing off small loans now as everyone is broke, and I feel bad squeezing blood out of a stone).

you usually don't leave rehab without having been prescribed anti-depressants etc.. (whether that is good or bad). Of course anti-depressants as such (because many addicts are depressed) are probably not the right treatment for bi-polar, so they are probably only too eager to prescribe hastily.

But try whatever you can, if might work, eventually doing enough stuff with the intent to recover is probably what works.

. But many people do not like AA and its ilk for a variety of reasons

yea that was the problem, there was a problem that the person I'm thinking about ranges from "spiritual but not religious" to "agnostic", which is a difficult fit for AA. There was the problem that the person started to have deep contempt for the people in AA (for instance most of the women had prostituted themselves, had sex for money for a fix, at one point or another) Now, one shouldn't have contempt, but .... some do. The stories were so extreme that it became only to easy to say "at least I'm not that bad". Still it's been rehabs and sober livings and AA and jail time (even got the AA cake for a year of genuine (though many lie about it) sobriety and then used and landed in jail for DUI a few months later), and still on some pharma instead of harder drugs so .... where's that easy path to sobriety again?

[mtnlaurel]

I can relate to both Zoegirl's and ANM's negative experiences with people that have attended AA.
But on the face of it - it doesn't really sound like they were practicing the program as outlined in the text of Alcoholics Anonymous.

That's one of the reasons it's Anonymous - (ETA: so the individual doesn't overshadow the group and its' primary purpose)
I maybe shouldn't have even opened up here, but I couldn't just sit on my hands because I know first hand how painful it is.

I went through a stint where I didn't go to AA, I was so turned off by the AA Clubhouse Blowhard or other things I came up with.
But when I really found my back up against the wall emotionally a few years ago I gave going to meetings another try and it really helped me - and the meetings were exceptional there. I found an early morning meeting that was amazing.

It's been 17 years since my last drink.
On the couple of occasions that I have been prescribed narcotics, I give them to my husband to administer them to me - I've seen way too many people picked off by pharmaceuticals.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you guys, I really don't have that big of an issue with AA, I am really worried that my daughter will not continue the process to get help. And I may have to deal with some of my issues to help her. However I am tired of it all, and I want to go home, and not do my paperwork, and be able to tell my supervisor I need time off without worrying about telling why (or that my program will fall apart in the meantime).

I posted this facebook thing that said there are 2 kinds of tired, one is a need for rest and the other a need for peace. That is very profound, I am working towards the peace.

[Zoe Girl]

I went through a stint where I didn't go to AA, I was so turned off by the AA Clubhouse Blowhard or other things I came up with.
But when I really found my back up against the wall emotionally a few years ago I gave going to meetings another try and it really helped me - and the meetings were exceptional there. I found an early morning meeting that was amazing.

I didn't join any Buddhist or meditation groups for a long time for the same reason, the experts who pontificated and had no real practice. Then a couple years ago I hit my exhaustion, loneliness, desperate point (most likely part of it was this same kid, hmm) and I went to Dharma Punx. We aren't perfect but it was perfect for me at the time and has been for a few years. Really my life line some days.