How to figure how much?

[iris lilies]

But you also have to take care of yourself, unless your certain that the kids will help you if needed. If the kids are not asking, why are you offering if your worried that it might put you in a bind? Save the money until a true emergency comes up or your sure you won't need it.

Like.

Seriously, for people at ANY economic level, put on your own oxygen mask first before trying to save your children.

If you (the generic you) are financially set for retirement, I think it's great to help out your 20 something kids with vacation tickets, house down payments, etc. But if you aren't there yet, remember that you've already done your job by launching them out into life with skills and presumably some sort of formal education. And if you can offer your parental home as the place where they can land if they crash & burn, that is generous. I would say pretty much the same thing for supporting elderly parents.

The Millionaire Next Door has quite a lot to say about "economic outpatient" help for adult children, and it ain't pretty.

The Mr.Money Mustache forums discuss this pretty often, although those guys are fairly young and they have the problem of supporting parents, and often parents who have lived large and then crashed and burned. Probably those parents are my age, ugh, how awful to burden one's children in this way. Since the MMM board if composed of international members, there is a fair number of non-Western attitudes about the elderly, and many grandparents just take for granted that the youngsters will support them.

[iris lilies]

I will also say that my mother said regularly and clearly "We are paying for your education, that is your 'inheritance.' " The clear communication was very good in keeping expectations in check.

There was no notion of tit-for-tat that if I didn't go to college, I would get an equal amount of money. It was education or naught. And that said, they DID give a few cash handouts to us over the years, entirely voluntary on their part, and I got a tidy little sum at her death, but since all of that equals only 3% of our total net worth, it's not as though I got rich with family money.

[iris lilies]

Why are you even thinking about paying for houses and weddings? These are not NEEDS they are WANTS.

[ApatheticNoMore]

If you give money to your kids it should definitely be equal amounts (and yea even the kid that doesn't go to college - eventually - maybe don't let them on to that right away ). Yea people say the kids who have done better financially (and remember better is relative) don't' resent getting less. But actually it's like an incredibly forcible punch to the gut, so that frankly giving all the kids nothing would be better.

And if you can offer your parental home as the place where they can land if they crash & burn, that is generous.

it's a whole lot.

[iris lilies]

If you give money to your kids it should definitely be equal amounts (and yea even the kid that doesn't go to college - eventually - maybe don't let them on to that right away ). Yea people say the kids who have done better financially (and remember better is relative) don't' resent getting less. But actually it's like an incredibly forcible punch to the gut, so that frankly giving all the kids nothing would be better...

It might be, depends on the family and sibling relationships. In our families, probably because there was always a stated effort to be "fair" that there are few resentments of distribution of money.

One thing is going on right now in DH's family. DH's father has, at the moment (because farmland is valued high) a lot of wealth. He is paying for complete replacement of his grandson's teeth. Grandson is a former meth-head.

I think that is great use of his money. This child was sort of a lost soul, the kid was dealt a bad hand in life by getting a skanky mother and a father who didn't save him from that soon enough and then, the kid ended up with an evil step-mom. But I digress. All of his peers, his cousins, had great parents. I suspect that everyone in the family thinks it is the least anyone can do for this young man, to give him expensive dental work.

But I also know of plenty of sibling situations where the chronically irresponsible child gets never-ending economic help from parents and siblings resent it, as they should. So many times this kind of thing ends up bankrupting the helper parents. It's a common theme on the MMM site.

[rodeosweetheart]

APN, you are right, that is a lot, that they know they are always welcome if they need a place to land and regroup.

IL, I read The Millionaire Next Door, too, and the economic outpatient stuff is part of what I am taking into consideration--it sure seemed to hurt, rather than help, didn't it. I sure don't want to get into that syndrome, like some of those families in the book! No chance I'd have that much to give them, anyway, lol. Like Catherine said, it's present, not future, money only.

I think I want to do what my parents did, what their parents did. I'd like to feel I have a hand in my grandchildren's long term prosperity, even if it's more symbolic than anything else! When my son went to college in 2000, he cashed in savings bonds that his great aunt had gotten for him at birth--it meant a lot to me. That't the kind of thing I am going for here, not the economic outpatient stuff, God forbid.

Some of this probably has to do with wanting to pass on what other generations did for me, to feel connected to the larger pattern of the family taking care of subsequent generations.

But I have to make adjustments based on the realities of my own economic circumstances, and I am definitely going to have to cut back on things like Christmas and tickets, so that I will have enough for more important things.

Although I really wish I could just fund a family reunion every year, wouldn't that be nice.

And I really admire those of you who are taking care of elderly parents. That is a good thing, I think. Have finished with weddings and college, so nothing to worry about there, thank Goodness.

[Teacher Terry]

When i was married to the kid's Dad we paid for college-all 3 had a chance to go. Once we divorced my salary could not afford it so when they decided to finish college as adults I gave them a free place to live & fed them. They took loans to finish school. I have helped the kids as they need it so different amounts to different ones at different times. Only my oldest is married & we gave him $3,000 towards wedding. When they were in their 20's I would buy plane tickets for visits but now they range in age from 35-41 so I don't. One of my boys I have had to quit helping because he has a drug addiction & now I won't let him live with us because when he is using he steals, etc. My oldest son & his wife will live with us for a year so they can save $ for down payment on house but they buy their own food so not really costing me anything. Once my Dad died my Mom lived on the part of his pension that was left & it was very small. She would not take any $ from any of her 3 kids. However, we could treat her for gifts & she would even accept an expensive vacation so that is how we all helped her.

[razz]

When our two girls were around sixteen years of age, I had seen a horror example of family financial obligations run amok and the parents suffering enormously. After talking it over with DH, we agreed and advised them that we would give the girls a lump sum towards their wedding and as much as we could afford beyond the tuition for their education, nothing further!!!
That was what they were able to plan for and advise their partners when they entered the picture. Saved a lot of grief. When I sold our farm after DH passed away, I gave the two an inheritance from the proceeds for the two girls only. The balance was mine to use as I saw fit. If there is something left after my demise so be it. If nothing, so be it. Both families are content with the full disclosure from the get-go.

[Zoe Girl]

i am in a different situation, i really hope i can help my kids and i am doing better financially for the next year. in a year child support is over and i will face a serious drop in income. So i am putting aside as much as possible for that and to help my kids. over the last several years i have put money and effort into various mental health things such as counseling and psych appointments. my parents have helped me and i know they have not sent the same money to my siblings. i am perfectly fine with that, My brother owns rental properties, his kids will go to college, his house will be paid in 15 years. i work in social services, got divorced, and am very frugal with what i do get from my parents. my parents don't owe me anything and i would figure out things on my own, but in my buddhist practice there are things we learn about generosity, both giving and receiving. My mom at least is pretty supportive of the work i do and even my buddhist practice which includes supporting others. So i gratefully accept that i will never come close to earning what my brother does, it has been a HUGE struggle in acceptance honestly, and that often people have offered support in various material ways that allow me to keep doing the work that i do. i wonder if this is off topic by now.

So i am thinking about starting accounts for all my kids and put in money monthly. i already get savings bonds every year with part of my tax returns in their names.

[SteveinMN]

I think the answer to your question is that "nothing is constant but change". We always are in changing circumstances, and even well-laid plans need to be altered based on unforeseen circumstances.

Over the last few years, we've made it clear to everyone -- family, friends, etc. -- that we are finishing our big earning years and preparing for retirement ourselves, so we are on pretty much a cash basis now. We asked DD and SiL what they wanted as Christmas gifts and told them right out that, while we were happy to consider some of those items, we weren't going into debt to provide gifts. This, of course, comes after we gave them a substantial amount of money last year for their wedding (another thread in this forum). When our friends decided last year to go on a cruise this year, we agreed to go, stating up front that we were not "buying up to keep up". If one of our moms had a sudden financial need or something big happened with DD/DSiL, we'd figure out what we could do and do that, feeling okay about our involvement and not fearing for our own future.

We probably would not have done the same were I still making what I was at my old job (or, presumably, more, assuming promotion/raises). But life changes. There's nothing wrong with a cash-only ethos at any point in life, but it would be easier to sidestep that had we been able to rely on future earning power and credit. We assume none of that now. It might be time to have a frank conversation with your kids and find out if you all are on the same page regarding expectations and abilities.