Calling heath department on hoarding parents?

[sweetana3]

It was an eye opener to watch selected episodes of Hoarder on TV. People would give up kids, health, life even to have the stuff. The show dealt with a variety of relatives and reactions from friends and neither had any affect on the hoarder. The professionals acknowledged the difficulty and took it slow with counseling along the way (expensive and not often available).

All I can say is pick your battles carefully. Unless there is counseling to go along with any medications, the person will not change. No "logic" in the world appears to work. It is a brain wiring issue.

[Miss Cellane]

There is some helpful information at the Children of Hoarders website: http://childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/

But this is a a mental illness, and until that is treated, progress will be minimal.

Before you call in government assistance, try to find out what might happen. Say, for example, they will condemn your parents' house. Is this really what you want to have happen? Your parents homeless, taking a huge financial loss? You might get them help, but it might come at a huge cost for them. Do try to find out what the options are before you call in the authorities. Once they have been notified, you can't undo that.

[Ultralight]

Okay, I really appreciate everyone's insights, concerns, and general solidarity.

I reflected a lot on this since I originally posted it. I find this hard to admit, but a large part of my urge to get the authorities involved comes from a need for revenge -- for some retribution -- and I know that is not ideal. I know that is not about helping them.

In the far recesses of my mind I am thinking: "If their house gets condemned that would be a fitting punishment for making my sister and I grow up in that hoard and for all problems that came along with it. This is my chance to teach them a g-d d-amned lesson they'll never forget!"

But then I have to remind myself that my mom is very, very mentally ill -- and not just with compulsive hoarding -- but with depression, anxiety, some "mild" delusions (she believes in "shapeshifters" that are human by day, coyote by night, for example).

I have a real problem with being wronged and then not being able to do anything about it. I hold grudges for eternities.

My parents' hoarding meant:
-I could not have dates over in high school, so I did not date; it was just easier that way
-There were puddles of cat pee all over the carpet, so I would often step in it and wet my foot or sock unless I wore shoes everywhere
-Cat vomit could be anywhere at any time, like in between the couch cushions, in a crumpled blanket, etc.
-The basement floor was covered in cat feces
-Rooms were unusable or piled high with old clothes
-The toilet had to be flushed with a bucket of water
-The bathroom and carpets had black mold all over them
-Cats would frequently jump on counters and the stove and eat from the container or pots and pans where my mom was preparing food, then she'd feed the food to my sister and I
-My clothes were constantly wrinkled and covered in cat and dog hair
-My house was shamefully dirty-looking and stinky and I'd never have friends over; I was embarrassed
-There were bugs in my cereal; I have eaten so many bugs in my life
-The hoard made it hard for me to focus on anything while in the house, like it gave me some ADD or something
-I saw my little sister move out the day after she finished high school and go live with her drunken friends 2 hours away because she could not stand living there a day longer
-I spent so much time feeling disgusted by the mess -- all the dirty dishes, the spills not cleaned up, filth just everywhere

Okay, you probably get what I am saying by now.

But my bottom line, after a lot of reflection and self-honesty, is that my plan to call the health dept. or the fire dept. and get the house condemned came from my desire for revenge, my desire to punish them. Having this vengeful urge is not mentally healthy for me. So my intention is to redouble my efforts to simply emotionally divest from them. I am not sure how to do this, but I know it will take practice.

When my parents pass away, I will sport a hazmat suit and then I'll throw everything in that house away. That will be when I finally am able to just let go of it all. That tense, angry feeling in my chest will then relax. I'll be able to move on and make that hoard a distant memory, maybe even something I darkly joke about with close friends.

Thoughts?

[Chicken lady]

Walk away. Work on your own mental health. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. He's been dead for years and my father is still angry. When his second wife went into assisted living she tried to give some things to our family. Nice furniture and books and such. My father told my mother she was not to bring anything from that house into his home. My brother and I got some small items - mostly that originally belonged to my grandmother, and I still put them away when dad visits.

I am sorry no one rescued you when you were a kid.

[Float On]

Jake, I'm sorry you as a child had to live in those conditions. You are showing great strength by not seeking revenge. Setting boundaries is a good thing like never stepping foot near the property, only be willing to meet with them on neutral ground, making choices about how you live your own life, having a plan in place for when the time comes for the final clean-up.

[Ultralight]

Walk away. Work on your own mental health. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. He's been dead for years and my father is still angry. When his second wife went into assisted living she tried to give some things to our family. Nice furniture and books and such. My father told my mother she was not to bring anything from that house into his home. My brother and I got some small items - mostly that originally belonged to my grandmother, and I still put them away when dad visits.

I am sorry no one rescued you when you were a kid.

Thank you for saying that, all of that. You are right.

[Ultralight]

Jake, I'm sorry you as a child had to live in those conditions. You are showing great strength by not seeking revenge. Setting boundaries is a good thing like never stepping foot near the property, only be willing to meet with them on neutral ground, making choices about how you live your own life, having a plan in place for when the time comes for the final clean-up.

Thanks.

Yes, I'll need a plan eventually to deal with a final clean up. Maybe just having a real plan will set my mind at ease and let me just kind of disengage in a mentally healthy way, and then reengage for the final clean up, whenever it comes.

[Float On]

Thanks.

Yes, I'll need a plan eventually to deal with a final clean up. Maybe just having a real plan will set my mind at ease and let me just kind of disengage in a mentally healthy way, and then reengage for the final clean up, whenever it comes.

That plan could be you doing the physical labor and releasing all the anger as you toss everything or it could be hiring the job done by a clean-up crew, a simple closure. It might be worth visiting with a counselor a few times to discuss and talk through both options and what is best for you in the end.

[rodeosweetheart]

I posted before I read your last post. Sorry, I think you've done some excellent self-reflection.
Yeah, so sorry for your childhood pain with your parents, that must have been very hard.

[JaneV2.0]

You might consult a local animal shelter to see if they will take any pets your parents have remaining. If the animals are being neglected, they can be seized. I know in Oregon, the humane society is very good about rescuing and rehoming neglected animals from hoarding situations.