How to convince my girlfriend she does not need to go on pricey dates?

[Ultralight]

I agree. Although sometimes in my mind I think maybe a woman should only pay 70 or whatever it is% of her way, that is what women earn for doing the same job as men.

If a woman explained this to me, especially at the beginning on first dates and such, I would agree to these terms for obvious reasons.

[catherine]

I say, let her pay for the whole date. Why is the man the one who always has to pay? If she's really into going out, tell her you'd love to accept her offer to take you out. She makes more than you, and that's what she's into. So be it.

Then, on her birthday, or some random time, I'd surprise her and take her to a really nice place, your treat. That would be far less than $2400.

[Ultralight]

You're on the verge of telling her that you value your money more than you value her. I'd suggest you get out of the relationship now and give her a chance to find a better pairing.

I don't think that is it. What I am saying is that I think she and I could have as much fun and romance by spending very little money -- or even no money. Cooking together is romantic. Walks in the park are romantic. Great conversation is romantic. Doing silly dances to P-Funk at home is fun. Riding bikes is fun.

[rodeosweetheart]

I don't think that is it. What I am saying is that I think she and I could have as much fun and romance by spending very little money -- or even no money. Cooking together is romantic. Walks in the park are romantic. Great conversation is romantic. Doing silly dances to P-Funk at home is fun. Riding bikes is fun.

But can you see that maybe you are defining and controlling the relationship, saying what is romantic and what is not? Maybe to her, these things are not fun.

She's entitled to her idea of what she wants in a romantic relationship, as are you. You both are. But you may not find it together.

Perhaps you are finding out that at some level, you are not very compatible. The title of your thread indicates you want to change her, and I'm not sure that ever works.

[Ultralight]

But can you see that maybe you are defining and controlling the relationship, saying what is romantic and what is not? Maybe to her, these things are not fun.

She's entitled to her idea of what she wants in a romantic relationship, as are you. You both are. But you may not find it together.

Perhaps you are finding out that at some level, you are not very compatible. The title of your thread indicates you want to change her, and I'm not sure that ever works.

Good points. Ahh... I guess it was wishful thinking.

I have found that if I change, my relationships last longer. So in this case, I am planning to give her the pricey dates she wants doing things I am usually not interested in.

[rodeosweetheart]

Good points. Ahh... I guess it was wishful thinking.

I have found that if I change, my relationships last longer. So in this case, I am planning to give her the pricey dates she wants doing things I am usually not interested in.

Okay, and also, why don't you try to find some meet ups for fly fishing folk (very alliterative!) because maybe you have not met the girl of your dreams. . .

(It makes me sad you have to cut back on what you love to do.)

[Dhiana]

I don't think that is it. What I am saying is that I think she and I could have as much fun and romance by spending very little money -- or even no money. Cooking together is romantic. Walks in the park are romantic. Great conversation is romantic. Doing silly dances to P-Funk at home is fun. Riding bikes is fun.

I agree with Alan.

YOU find these activities fun and romantic. To some women out there they are.
To your current girlfriend, it sounds like they are not.

[Radicchio]

I 100% agree with rodeosweetheart! Imagine it the other way around. Suppose she has been asking her friends how to convince you that you really don't need to go fishing and has a list of reasons why it isn't practical or fun? You are both entitled to your preferences and opinions, but not to impose them on each other. Compromise is great, though. If one is not willing to compromise in any way regarding their lifestyle then a serious relationship probably isn't going to happen. If your main objection is financial and you have determined that you really can't afford to pay for what she is asking, then you could be frank with her and say you just can't afford it. Maybe she would feel it was worth it to pay herself. However, you need to know whether you will be thinking about what a waste of money it is each time you go out on one of those dates. If so, then you're not going to enjoy it and eventually it will erode the relationship.

Thinking back to my dating days, I was a pretty cheap date because I didn't have a lot financially when I was younger. However, I remember when it occurred to me that I should make sure to not start a pattern of doing something that I wouldn't be willing to continue to do indefinitely---so I consciously made sure that the "dating me" was the same as the "everyday me," if that makes sense. That meant that as soon as I could see something was a real deal breaker for me, I would immediately break it off with that person, which I believe was kinder to both of us than to continue when I could see we had no future as a couple. I have now been happily married to the same man for decades, but I did have a near-miss before that when I was carried away by my attraction and enjoyment of the company and attention of someone who, fortunately, I realized wasn't a good match for me. Great guy, just not a good match.

So if you really are contemplating how you can change this woman, maybe you're not a good match? Of course, you might not be considering a serious or long-term relationship, but you still need to be honest with yourself and with her.

[Ultralight]

Let me use a bit of hyperbole to explain how Alan's assertion that I value money over her does not hold water.

Suppose my gf said: "I want to take a weekend date every weekend to Cancun, Mexico otherwise I am deprived of proper dates."

Would anyone then say: "Well, unless you take her to Cancun every weekend you are telling her you value money more than her."?

Any takers for that rationale now?

[catherine]

Let me use a bit of hyperbole to explain how Alan's assertion that I value money over her does not hold water.

Suppose my gf said: "I want to take weekend date every weekend to Cancun, Mexico otherwise I am deprived of proper dates."

Would anyone then say: "Well, unless you take her to Cancun every weekend you are telling her you value money more than her."?

Any takers for that rationale now?

I think what Alan is saying is that a little compromise is called for. Every relationship has to give and take a little. She goes out on a boat with you, and you treat her to a relatively inexpensive night out. If you want to "change her" out of what she genuinely feels is fun, and I personally don't disagree with her, maybe you need to look for someone that's a closer match for you. In this scenario, your inability to compromise suggests that you value $2400 over her (not the hypothetical scenario you have set up).

Or, ask her to pay for it, in which case she just MAY come to the same conclusion Alan did, unless you come up with a good case for what SHE has to gain by YOU stashing your money in a 401k.